Off to Vacation

Doesn't look like I'll have any computer access (don't own a laptop and I'm staying in a rented condo).

I'm sure I'll have plenty to rant about when I get back.

See you guys in a couple weeks.

Loathing language

There are some words and phrases being thrown about these days that really don't serve any purpose other than to piss me off. These groups of words make me want to stop reading, turn off the radio, TV, or smack the shit out of the person making the offending blather.

See if you agree with my choices.

1. "I'm just sayin" This phrase is meant to thinly disguise an insult but not enough to excuse the fact that someone is verbally shitting on you.

Example: Hey bud, people in your line of work are usually fuckin liars and thieves.... I'm just sayin....

2. "Know what I'm sayin" or "Noamsane" People have replaced "Ummm" and "you know" with this meaningless 5 syllable verbal turd.

Unfortunately it is on the lips of every wannabe, faggot ass, whiteboy gangster from the suburbs.

3. "My bad" It may have been cute on Southpark ten years ago but now it sounds really really stupid coming out of the mouth of a 55 year old man. Who the fuck came up with "my bad", some mentally disabled guy from Compton who shits his pants a lot?

4. "Bling" Another term that has outlived it's novelty. Quit trying to act streetwise by using these stupid words from MTV.

5. "Fucktard" This term was ok at first, until the Internet commandos got hold of it and made it their own. Now anyone that doesn't agree with Al Gore is a "fucktard", anyone who doesn't Vote Hillary Obama 08 is a fucktard, anyone who thinks for themselves is a "fucktard"

6. "Sweet" another term that has outlived it's usefulness, now it just sounds stupid . Stop saying it.

7. "Sick" Not the stomach flu sick, but the one that took the place of cool and rad. "man, that trick was sick yo" It sounds fucking ignorant.

Maybe I'm getting old, but when I hear people talking these days I just want to hit them upside the head with a brick until they stop.

I think our language is devolving.

Tagged I'm it!

Carrie tagged me to write six weird things about me. I've probably listed 2490 so far but at risk of repeating some, I'll do a few more.

1. Computers hate me. I've been working on them for 13 years and not once has anything gone right or according to plan. I can build 5 identical machines with identical parts and every single one will be possessed by a different problem.

2. I have a bad habit of yelling "MOVE IT... YOU COCKSUCKER!" when people stop suddenly in the road in front of me for no apparent reason.

3. I grew up not being touched and to this day I cannot stand people getting close or putting their hands on me. It takes all of my will power not to be rude about it.

4. I have the most sensitive nose of anyone I know. I could be used as a rescue dog or to detect drugs at the airport. It's a mixed blessing because when something smells nasty it's downright painful.

5. I can fluctuate 50 or 60 pounds in weight, no one will notice and I still wear the same sized clothes.

6. I use herbs and natural remedies for everything and have done so for the last 15 years. I also try to convince others to do the same.

Hammer's 26th ***Adult content warning***

Some silly stuff and fun with Photoshop

NNot my work but sick and funny

Michael Moore in Monty Python's The meaning of life.

Fun with Captioning

More things that piss me off

The guy who flicks his cigarette out of his car window and sends a shower of embers into the dry grass on the side of the road.

Look idiot.. I know your 1977 Pacer has a freaking ashtray. Use it! Haven't you noticed that it hasn't rained in 4 months? Moron!

The person who flings a huge pile of fast food trash out the window of their brand new Mercedes Coupe while sitting at a traffic light.

I hope you get caught. I pray the cop is really pissed off that day and finds an excuse to tazer your worthless ass. Then I hope the judge puts you on a Texas road cleanup crew in July or August.

I show the lady at the customer service counter at the grocery store the lunchables I just purchased that smell like buzzard vomit. She yawns and drearily asks if I want my money back. I tell her to forget the money and get the rotten food off the fucking shelf before some unsupecting 3 year old dies from food poisoning.

The lady rolls her eyes at me and does nothing. Which makes me find the manager who seems to care just barely more.

I hope these people choke on their germ infested filth or get personally sued for failing to prevent someone from getting sick.

The Chinese Buffet: We walk in and order just as the buffet opens. First thing I notice is all the food is cold. They forgot to turn the buffet warmers on. It takes me about 10 min of arguing with the manager to convince him that their food is cold. Since I'm there for a birthday lunch I stick it out.

The next thing I know I bite into a rangoon and there are legs sticking out of it.
I call the waitress over and she exclaims: "that no bug! that crispy onion!"

I politely counter with "onions are not black with legs" She takes the offending food to the kitchen and comes back with: "ok you no pay..everybody else pay". Never an I'm sorry or anything like that. Mysteriously I lost my appetite at that point.

Plus selling. I know it's your job buddy, but when I say no that doesn't mean keep asking, and don't be retarded about it.

One time I went to pick up some dog food at the convenience store. I put the bag of purina on the counter and the clerk asks "would you like a fountain drink to go with that? I looked him squarely in the eye and said "No thanks. I'm going to eat it later"

I'm at the movie theater, I've spent about 25 bucks on tickets, 15 bucks for a popcorn and cokes.The movie starts and projector is aimed at the wall and there is no sound.

I look around at the 300 or so people around me. Nobody moves or makes a sound and lets the film play on. I finally get up, drag the kids with me and go find a manager. By the time I get back in the film is still without sound and no one has moved from their spot I'm thinking by this point that the world is doomed if people are really this apathetic, cowardly or lazy.

Some people say I encounter an inordinate amount of stupid assholes in my travels.

I'm just lucky I guess.

Thanks for the questions on Dear Hammer

I've received several great questions for dear hammer. Go over check em out and weigh in if you have anything you want to add. http://hammeroid.wordpress.com/

Thanks for keeping the advice column alive.

Hammer's guide to bathroom ettiquete

Whether you are in a public restroom, the bathroom at a friend's house or in the one you share with family, there are some things that you should and should not do.

Angering the deity of the porcelain temple is a bad idea, bad karma, bad juju. don't do it.

For those of you who don't know the basic rules or need a refresher, here they are:

1. No talking in the bathroom. Don't talk to the guy at the sink and especially to the person in the stall next to you. Nobody can perform their doody while someone is gabbing away at you..and this goes for cell phones too.

2. On the subject of noise. Grunting and groaning on a stuck turd is not good public restroom manners. If you have to make sounds like you are bench pressing 400Lbs of free weights at gold's gym, then maybe you can save that bowel movement for your home turf. Nobody wants to hear that shit...literally.

3. Some people think they can't help the explosive machine gun diarrhea fart. Maybe they are proud that they can make the bathroom sound like the 4th of July. Here's a trick..spread your butt cheeks a little farther apart. Sometimes your anus needs a little more room to do it's work so it doesn't sound like the battle of Midway.

4. If you piss on the seat wipe it off. Don't leave it for the next guy to sit in, nothing worse than sitting in some stranger's cold piss.

5. If you leave spackle on the back of the bowl or a Klingon stuck to the side, flush again before it hardens into a granite like substance that requires a belt sander to remove. This is mostly for when you use a bathroom in someones house. I can't tell you haw many hours I've spent scrubbing 30 year old half digested meat chunks off the back of my toilet bowl after my mother in law pays a visit to my abode. Don't you think one would be embarrassed to leave a shotgun shit chunk stain in someone else's toilet?

6. Check for toilet paper BEFORE you sit down. Sitting there screaming for toilet paper after you have done the deed will usually fall on deaf ears. Cowboy up, use your socks and learn to check the roll next time.

7 At the sink, if you splash water, wipe it up. I can't tell you how many times I leaned up against the sink and got a big wet spot right at dick level. You can't walk out of a public restroom with a wet crotch, everyone will assume you had an accident. You know how embarrassing it is to have someone walk in when you have your pants off and holding them up in front of that shitty hand dryer? Don't even bother making excuses..no talking rule remember?

8. This should probably go without saying but don't take your lunch and newspaper into the gimp stall at work, eat burger king, and read the wall street journal while taking a leisurely 30 minute dump. Do you really think the guy at the stall next to you wants to smell your Fish sandwich and tartar sauce mixed with a side of butt muffins? Where would someone learn an awful habit like that?

9 To top off the list, here are other things not to do in the restroom stall, No blogging, texting, gabbing, masturbating, singing, jingling keys, laughing or taking pictures with the cell phone.

Hope this list helps you overcome any bad habits you may have inadvertently acquired over the years.

Hammer's Disney World and Orlando Guide

As soon as the kids get out of school this week we are on our way to Disney World. I'm not so excited about it myself but the youngins love that shit.

I've learned to work the system. Here are some tips that will save your ass and help you have a much better time.

Stay off property. You will actually be closer to the parks because you won't have to walk your ass off to get out of the resort and to the parking lot. Disney properties have food courts and snack areas but the food sucks and costs and an arm and a leg. They've got you trapped because they make it such a pain in the ass to get out and go to a real restaurant.

Stay in a hotel with continental breakfast. You will save a ton of money and can pack up some fruit and things to take with you. This also will save time, and from standing in lines and dealing with hungry cranky kids.

Get to the parks early, If you get there as they open the gate, you will be able to ride twice as much and actually walk on to some of the bigger attractions right away. While everyone else is eating at the Shoneys, you can be enjoying the parks while it's still fairly cool and uncrowded.

Bring bottled water and snacks in a backpack. This will save your ass. Disney's Bottled water is expensive. Hot dogs and pretzels are 5 bucks each. I bring cookies, fruit, nuts and crackers. The kids will love you for it. It will save you and your wallet from collapse. You can also refill the bottles at the water fountain if you are as cheap as I am ;)

Don't buy park hopper tickets. You will actually save money by planning ahead and buying your park tickets individually. You would have to be super-human to be able to go from park to park over the course of a week. I've done it, it sucks and is very expensive. Buy your ticket at the gate and enjoy yourself. They will stamp your hand so you can come back later that day. This will also help in case someone wants to go do something besides the parks. They won't feel like they are wasting their tickets.

Leave early: If you get to the park early you can do tons of stuff, get out of there in the early afternoon and go have lunch somewhere off property. Kissimi has tons of decent family restaurants that cost much less than the vile swill they serve at the parks. You can rest up, change clothes and go back to the park later if you want. Save your ticket and don't wash off your hand stamp.

Visit Universal studios, It's a 15 min drive right up I-4. The tickets are cheap and there are two huge parks with attractions that kick Disney's ass. Plan on two days there. They also have better restaurants and souvenirs so you can take it easy and stay the day.

Don't kill yourself. People go to these parks thinking they have to ride everything and see everything. Make a plan and decide what you want to see and do, get a park map and go have fun. If you don't get to everything, so what?... Some stuff sucks anyway, just go visit what looks interesting to you.

Use Fast Pass...Here's the trick, you can get a fast pass for a popular ride, go mess around and do other things. Your pass will tell you to come back in 40 min, then you can walk straight onto your ride. Sometimes they will let you have two fast passes at a time. This is great for people like me who get pissed at standing in a line for 2 hours for a 2 min ride. Watch out, when your fast pass time comes around, you will be walking right past people that have been standing in line in the hot sun for hours. They will want to pummel you.

Stay healthy: Florida is hot. Use sunscreen, drink lots of water, eat light, take it easy and don't get sick.

Wear good shoes: There will be a shitload of walking, wear good tennis shoes and thick socks.

Be careful of outside attractions. Many of these are complete scams. I paid 30 bucks to get into the Ripley's museum...it had one and a half rooms with 10 boring artifacts. Total rip off

Buy a Frommers travel guide and read up on things before you waste your money.

Bring cell phones, in case you get separated from your group. It's easy to get shuffled in the crowd and lose track of people.

Be sure to visit Downtown Disney, it's free, there is a movie theater, non Disney shops, cigars, coffee, non Disney restaurants and a nice relaxing place to walk around without spending tons of money.

Hope these tips help you if you plan on taking a trip to Mouse land this summer.

Rude food across Asia

Below is a sampling odd Asian food names, Polynesian, Chinese, Thai, Indian and Korean. It's kind of embarassing ordering "phat prik ho" so I just tell them #27
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Puto: steamed cup cakes made with sticky rice flour and coconut milk (Means gay in several languages. I guess it fits)
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Bangus: grilled milkfish stuffed with vegetables (Be careful when you ask for this one)
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Loco Moco: a fried egg on top of a hamburger on top of a pile of rice - all smothered in brown gravy! (Literally Crazy booger)
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Pupu: appetizer, hors d'oeuvre (I thought ordering a pupu platter was the funniest thing when I was 8. Come to think of it, I still do.)
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Hor Fun: fried broad, thick rice noodles ($350 per hour no kinky stuff)
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Gook: a broth-like soup with rice (I guess since the Germans had already taken Kraut...)
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Kook Soo: noodles in broth with meat and vegetables (Long pig Boy named soo)
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Sopa Borracha: sponge cake with rum sauce (Literally drunk soup)
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Ma-Muang: mango (Is that a Mango in your pants or are you happy to see me?)
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Moo: pork (Is beef called oink?)
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Nam Prik: hot sauce (Or My dad's commanding officer in 67)
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Phat Prik: Stir fried vegetables (My former boss)
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Gasagasa: Poppy seeds (I'm thinking they cause flatulence...)
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Godambi: Cashews (Godambi these are good)
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Poondu: Garlic (Or what your girlfriend gets if she really really likes you)
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Here are some oddly named food products with hilarious commentary. http://www.dazbert.co.uk/sites/rudefood/

Lost Iraqis UPDATE!

A close friend informed me that there are some missing Iraqis that fell out of their boxes. It wasn't an escape, as the picture will verify.

Be on the look out for these four men. They shouldn't be hard to recognize.

If you happened to see any of these guys let me know and I'll make sure they get picked up and taken to their final destination.

And no this isn't a joke, but I think it's pretty funny. Can you guess why?

They are actually life like training dummies for the military. They were lost in transit and now my friend is frantically looking for them. These things cost several thousand dollars each.

Not sure why our tax money goes to this kind of shit, but I did get a kick out of the photo. That's for sure ...

Doing the right thing...How do you feel about it?

Up until recently, I was working as a DJ in a karaoke bar. I split the shifts with a couple of other guys. One night my counterpart called me in a panic.

"The Karaoke machine is broken what do we do?"

I told him not to worry I would pick up a new one and install it before my shift started that night.

I went to the music store, bought a new machine and paid the $250 out of my pocket. This place had a strict no return repair only policy.

I got to work, luckily the lady who owned the joint was there and I got reimbursed for the machine.

I hooked up the new one and it was D.O.A.

Shit!

I tried everything, and I called around to find that all the music supply stores were closed.

I hooked up the old machine and it was not reading the disks.

I opened the CD drawer and blew inside and a hunk of cigarette ash flew out.

The old machine worked fine after that.

I boxed up the broken new one and took it to my car to see what I could do about getting it repaired to keep in the back office as a spare.

The next day I went to the music shop and explained what happened. They just said that it couldn't be fixed and they weren't going to carry that product anymore.
So they just reversed the charge on my credit card.

So there I was...

The club has a working Karaoke machine

I have the $250 reimbursed cash in my pocket.

The music store refunded my credit card.

Nobody was the wiser

Except me.

I went to bed that night worrying about it.

I didn't have another shift for a few days and brain kept nagging me about the money in my pocket. Do I just hand it back? How do I explain that I didn't replace the machine like they thought I did.

It was seriously bugging me.

I went across town and bought another new machine, went in early, hooked it up and put the old one in the office as a spare and told everyone that I got the old one repaired.

I still felt bad for lying but it seemed the simplest equitable solution.

Knowing I had made the situation right allowed me to sleep for the first time in a week.

I told some friends and acquaintances what had happened and my solution to the situation. Every single one of them said that they would have kept the money with a clear conscience as payment for all the trouble of driving around and fixing the machine .

I couldn't believe they could rationalize stealing that money. I felt guilty for having it in my pocket for 4 days.

I've used my situation as a hypothetical test for several folks and not one of them said they would return the money or make good on replacing the broken equipment.

What do you think?

Honestly, if your place of employment mistakenly gave you money for work you didn't do and nobody would ever find out...

Could you keep the cash and still feel alright about it?

It's ok to be honest ..some of my best friends said I was a dumbass for worrying about it.

Rosie calls American troops Terrorists

The Video has been removed from MSNBC but here is a partial transcript

This is from "The View"
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O’DONNELL: I just want to say something. 655,000 Iraqi civilians are dead. Who are the terrorists?

HASSELBECK: Who are the terrorists?

O’DONNELL: 655,000 Iraqis -- I'm saying you have to look, we invaded --

HASSELBECK: Wait, who are you calling terrorists now? Americans?

O’DONNELL: I'm saying if you were in Iraq, and the other country, the United States, the richest in the world, invaded your country and killed 655,000 of your citizens, what would you call us?

HASSELBECK: Are we killing their citizens or are their people also killing their citizens?

O’DONNELL: We're invading a sovereign nation, occupying a country against the U.N.
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Imus gets canned for calling a basketball team nappy headed ho's Two NY shock Jocks get canned for prank calling a Chinese restaurant asking for flied lice and Rosie gets to spew filth about our troops and get away with it?

That pisses me off.

Took a walk in the park today.

There is a giant park about 3 min from the house and since the weather was nice, I went for a walk.

I took some pics, some of them came out alright.

You can click on each for a much bigger picture.

Cactus flowers everywhere

Some kind of red berries.

I walked up on these guys and took several pics... they just stood there.

Attention Trolls, Assholes and Malcontents

This blog is for my amusement and for the amusement of my online friends.

It is not a place to spew your unfounded allegations about me or my readers.

It is not a place to call people names and insult their beliefs

This is not a place to make nasty comments about me or my family.

Take your fucked up shit elsewhere

I'm not writing this blog for controversy, politics or to change anyones mind.

This is the place where I write stories, post movies, explain my thoughts on things and tell a joke or two.

If I happen to write something that sticks in your craw:

You can politely disagree in the comments if you wish or write a rebuttal on your own blog and invite me to read it

To anyone who doesn't want to play nice.. I will delete your offending comments.

I'm not going to use comment moderation.

Most of you know me as an laid back easy going guy. It's difficult to get me riled.

Don't try.

To all the other nice folks that make a point to drop by read, lurk or comment..I thank you.

You have made this blog experiment a fulfilling hobby and I plan to continue for the foreseeable future.

To those who want to use my comment section as your personal latrine:

Fuck off, piss up a rope and eat shit.

Go find another sandbox to crap in.

Dear hammer advice website

I haven't received any questions for Dear Hammer for about a month. I'd like to spend some time over there dusting off the cobwebs.

If you guys need advice, have questions, concerns or want to vent in the form of a question just email me at bohab@hotmail.com then look for my answer at

http://hammeroid.wordpress.com/

I'll post a link to your blog or website in my reply if you wish or will keep your identity a secret if you choose.

If you don't have a question check out the archives.

Thanks in advance for participating.

Hammer #25 Language warning!

Trying some new stuff with video editing




Here is a pic of my dog Marvin. The girls brought them to me because they saw his red rocket and were worried that he was hurt.

Busy Day and good news

Woke up to a flat tire for a car that does not come equipped with a spare.

They lying sombitches at the car dealership told me that the vehicle was equipped with run-flat safety tires. Fucking liars. I'll never listen to a car salesman again without checking myself.

Luckily I have AAA and was able to have it towed to the tire shop. I waited two hours for them to find the special performance type tire at one of their locations

They said the flat was a manufacturing defect and I should try to get money from someone....

$313 for a fucking tire... My asshole hurts I think it needs an ice pack and a tampon.

While I was waiting, the wife called and told me good news that she is being promoted to a new position at a facility 5 min from the house.

She has been stressed lately from doing her bosses job for two years as well as her own and that of two other managers that had retired.

This is a 25 year career so far and she was afraid they were going to burn her out before she could retire.

Luckily someone noticed her dedication and hard work and sent her to this new position.

My wife's shitty manager and his boss who have been fat dumb and happy riding on my wife's back all this time are finally getting some payback.

My wife's replacement is the laziest, Ebonics speaking, discrimination lawsuit happy manager in the region. I'm laughing my ass off.

This woman "Janiqua" is so worthless that different departments pass her around like a hot potato. She does no work, is functionally illiterate and plays the race card every time someone tries to hold her accountable. No one documents her failures so any attempt to fire her will result in a huge lawsuit. Dumbasses!

They are so screwed!

I'm happy for my wife . She likes her career but this last stint was getting her down. Now she gets to learn something new and have a lot more flexibility. Part of her companies stipulation for her getting promoted in the first place is that I had to agree to put her career first and promise to drop everything and move anywhere in the country at a moments notice.

Weird huh?

I can't name the company due to the remote chance that someone who works there knows how to turn on a computer and read at a fifth grade level.

Hummus recipe

This is like bean dip but better.

1 can drained an rinsed garbanzo beans

1/2 lemon

1 tsp salt

1/4 cup olive oil

1/2 tsp ground black pepper

1/4 tsp paprika

2 Tsb Tahini (sunflower seed paste) can make it from scratch easily or buy at store

2 gloves garlic

Put the garbanzos in the food processor and start her up.

While mixing

Add 1/2 the olive oil

Add salt

Add garlic

Add Tahini

Scoop out the mixture and put it in a serving bowl

Squeeze lemon over the mixture

Add pepper

Pour the rest of the olive oil on top

Sprinkle paprika over top for flavor and color

Serve with pita bread or crackers

You will never go back to regular dip.

And it's good for you

Hand meme

I was tagged by Kitem

Normally this would be a place to crank out some dirty jokes about Rosie and her five sisters and their Uncle "Harry Palms" I'll go ahead and play this one straight...

.

A hand covered in scars

.

A hand that turns a wrench

.

A hand that holds a pistol when I target practice

.

A hand that hold my kids hand when we cross the street.

.

A hand that types out all this crazy blog shit day after day

.

A hand that massages my wife's feet when she needs it.

.

A hand that provides the fingernails I chew till they bleed.

.

This is my right hand.

.

I think I'll keep it.

99 questions some missing

Saw this over at Burfica's place

1. How old will you be in five years? 42
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? Kids
3. How tall are you? 6'4 and shrinking
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Skipping my wifes family reunion.
5. What's the last movie you saw? At the theater--Spider Man 3, at home Evil Dead II
6. Who was the last person you called? Wife
7. Who was the last person to call you? Wife
8. What was the last text message you received? Wrong number(Call the police because I have a hot twat tonight)
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? Friend Gary asking about weekend plans.
10. Do you prefer to call or text? call, Texting costs me a dime each.
11. What were you doing at 12am last night? Making a video to a small penis song
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? Divorced 21 years.
13. When is the last time you saw your mom? About 3 months ago surprise visit.
14. What color are your eyes? Brown .
15. What time did you wake up today? 5:00a.m. to make lunches and cook breakfast and talk to the kids before school.
16. What are you wearing right now? Tee Shirt and Jeans
17. What is your favorite Christmas song? Merry Fucking Christmas by Mr Garrison on SouthPark.
18. Where is your favorite place to be? Vegas.
19. Where is your least favourite place to be? Shopping
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? Ireland
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? Permanently retired
22. Do you tan or burn? Fester
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Dead floating zombie bodies outside my window
24. What was the last thing that REALLY made you laugh? This

25. How many TVs do you have in your house? 4
26. How big is your bed? Queen
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? Desktop
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Fully dressed
29. What color are your sheets? Green
30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 6
31. What is your favorite season? Winter.
32. What do you like about fall? the break from heat.
33. What do you like about winter? The holidays,
34. What do you like about the summer? Having kids home.
35. What do you like about spring? Nice weather.
36. How many states/provinces have you lived in? 4 Missouri, Kansas, New Mexico and Texas
37. What cities/towns have you lived in? Raytown, Prarie Villiage, Albuquereue,San Antonio
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Boots
39. Are you a social person? With a Beer or two
40. What was the last thing you ate? Apple
41. What is your favorite restaurant? Hole in the wall
42. What is your favorite ice cream? Strawberry Cheese cake
43. What is your favorite dessert? Chocolate cake
44. What is your favorite kind of soup? Broccoli
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? Rasberry
46. Do you like Chinese food? Yep
47. Do you like coffee? Sometimes
48. How many glasses of water a day? 1 or 2
49. What do you drink in the morning? Green Tea
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? right side
52. Do you know how to play poker? yes
53. Do you like to cuddle? Not really, my arm goes to sleep
54. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.
55. Do you have an addictive personality? Not really
56. Do you eat out or at home more often? Home
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Nope
59. Do you want kids? I got tham anyway so I'll keep em
60. Do you speak any other languages? Enough Spanish to get my ass beat
61. Have you ever gotten stitches? Yes Both times from broken glass
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? nope
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? Ocean
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats? Window so I can lean away from the 400 pound line backer next to me
65. Do you know how to drive stick? Yes.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? Guns and ingredients for making fancy food
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? Wedding band.
68. What is your favorite TV show? Venture Brothers
69. Can you roll your tongue?Kinda
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?When the kids hide them in the bed
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone? Beep Beep Beep?
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? Yeah but they don't fit.
74. What red object is closest to you right now? Red cup
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? Yeah
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed it saves on electricity.
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Bear if I had my gun.
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?Mustard for the fake nuggets I eat
80. What is your favorite food? Macaroni cassarole
81. Can you change the oil on a car? Yes
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yeah
83. Have you ever run out of gas? Once while helping someone who was out of gas.
84. What is your usual bedtime? 2 Am
85. What was the last book you read? the Probability Broach By L Neil Smith
86. Do you read the newspaper? No it's pure bullshit
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? American Rifleman
89. Do you watch soap operas? Never.
90. Do you dance in the car? No room
91. What radio station did you last listen to? Oldies
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you? Jack the dog
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper? Phone number
94. What is your favorite candle scent? Red
95. What is your favorite board game? Trivial pursuit 20 year edition
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?Mr Lampman my woodshop teacher
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent? 7 days

Hammer # 24 A song for the less endowed

Oh yeah after the video.... check this out..it makes a lot of sense>>>>>CLICK HERE

#23 Not my SUV

On the lighter side...

(note) this is probably an anti Gas Guzzler song ...But I like my SUV so I'm actually on the pro side of this debate. My fully loaded Expedition gets 27mpg if I use the cruise control at 60mph.

My Charger with the Hemi shuts down to 4 cylinders when cruising and gets fantastic highway mileage. I think it's more the way people drive than the car itself.

You can't pick who you are related to.

I've talked about most of the people in my family in one way or another so regular readers probably know something about them. Unfortunately I don't have very many nice things to say.

I've had this post brewing around in my head for a few months and now it's time to get it out.

Mom: Hard worker, emotionally dead inside, can fake being a nice person but can only hold up the facade for short periods of time. She is a survivor. I inherited her no nonsense attitude, competence and work ethic. Thankfully, I didn't inherit her cruel nature.

Dad: Hard worker, friendly, smart and outspoken, a born leader. I inherited his sense of humor, good nature and his ability to take charge of a situation. He suffers terribly from PTSD and lets himself be abused and manipulated by women.

Uncle Kevin: Good hearted, fun and a hard worker but is easily the most gullible 49 year old man I have ever met. Women screw him over constantly, he has always made poor decisions and has trouble finishing anything he starts. I'm worried because he was recently diagnosed with diabetes and will not control his diet. Still a good guy, always will be.

Aunt Katie: Kind, nurturing, self centered and spoiled She is prone to fit throwing and pouting. A life long hypochondriac. She is vain and scared to death of getting old. She is 49 as well. Picks bad men to date over and over. She raised her behaviorally challenged son mostly on her own. He was a mess as a child and the jury is still out on his future. She is finally independent and self sufficient but relies on my Grandmother heavily for emotional support.

Grandma: Bitter, acerbic and a trooper. She likes to gossip and talk about every ones mess. She raised all her kids herself and did the best she could. Sadly, she is a total enabler and has never held anyone accountable for their actions. She is still probably my favorite person because she balanced out the wickedness of my mother.

Mother in law: Spoiled from birth. Prone to throwing fits. Always has to get her way or there is hell to pay. She is a glutton, a spendthrift and cannot hold onto a dime. She enabled her children to become total losers and has never taken them to task for their rotten behavior and life choices. Conversely she is good with grandchildren, always makes their Halloween costumes and likes paying with them. However, she cannot control her mouth and is constantly pissing me off by making thinly veiled nasty comments about me and my wife when she disagrees with us.

Father in law: A pretty good guy, terribly abused as a child, spent most of his life depressed and angry, was disconnected from his children until he finally got medication. I'm about the only one he will talk to. His wife runs over him like a bulldozer and he will never stand up to her. If he crosses her, she locks herself in her room and screams and cries for days. Totally whipped.

Sister in law: a real piece of work. Can be charming but is a habitual liar. She lies about everything even if it is of no consequence. Instead of raising her kids she bought them piles of toys. She marries and dates men that she can manipulate and then blame when her life falls apart. She is manic and must be the center of attention at all times. She must pretend she is of a higher class than she really is. She is currently estranged from her oldest son, her two grandchildren, me, my wife (her sister) and our children. She blames me and my wife for stealing her son away from her and befriending the hated daughter in law.

Brother in law #1 Nice guy, habitually under employed, always broke, always picks the wrong crowd, been to prison for drugs and still hasn't stopped using. Owes me money and hasn't picked up a phone in 6 months. My kids always ask about him and that's the saddest part.

Brother in law #2 Youngest Child, Habitual liar, thief and manipulator, He always acts like the alpha male and tries to physically challenge and dominate all other men. He seems like a down to earth likable person if you don't know him. He is a former drug dealer and was jailed for attempted murder. He's now a Christian youth counselor that brags about how all the 17 year old girls under his tutelage want to have sex with him. He is married to a crazy manic depressive nut bag who threatens to kill herself every time he pisses her off. Owes me money, haven't seen him in over a year. I'm not bothered by his absence.

There are multiple stories about all these people but for now I just had to get this out of my head and recorded somewhere.

I should feel better for getting this off my chest, but for some reason I don't.

Another essay I agree with.

By Ted Nugent

Zero tolerance, huh? Gun-free zones, huh? Try this on for size: Columbine gun-free zone, New York City pizza shop gun-free zone, Luby's Cafeteria gun-free zone, Amish school in Pennsylvania gun-free zone and now Virginia Tech gun-free zone.

Anybody see what the evil Brady Campaign and other anti-gun cults have created? I personally have zero tolerance for evil and denial. And America had best wake up real fast that the brain-dead celebration of unarmed helplessness will get you killed every time, and I've about had enough of it.Nearly a decade ago, a Springfield, Oregon, high schooler, a hunter familiar with firearms, was able to bring an unfolding rampage to an abrupt end when he identified a gunman attempting to reload his .22-caliber rifle, made the tactical decision to make a move and tackled the shooter.

A few years back, an assistant principal at Pearl High School in Mississippi, which was a gun-free zone, retrieved his legally owned Colt .45 from his car and stopped a Columbine wannabe from continuing his massacre at another school after he had killed two and wounded more at Pearl.

At an eighth-grade school dance in Pennsylvania, a boy fatally shot a teacher and wounded two students before the owner of the dance hall brought the killing to a halt with his own gun. More recently, just a few miles up the road from Virginia Tech, two law school students ran to fetch their legally owned firearm to stop a madman from slaughtering anybody and everybody he pleased. These brave, average, armed citizens neutralized him pronto.

My hero, Dr. Suzanne Gratia Hupp, was not allowed by Texas law to carry her handgun into Luby's Cafeteria that fateful day in 1991, when due to bureaucrat-forced unarmed helplessness she could do nothing tostop satanic George Hennard from killing 23 people and wounding more than 20 others before he shot himself. Hupp was unarmed for no other reason than denial-ridden "feel good" politics. She has since led the charge for concealed weapon upgrade in Texas,where we can now stop evil.

Yet, there are still the mindless puppets of the Brady Campaign and other anti-gun organizations insisting on continuing the gun-free zone insanity by which innocents are forced into unarmed helplessness. Shame on them. Shame on America. Shame on the anti-gunners all. No one was foolish enough to debate Ryder truck regulations or ammonia nitrate restrictions or a "cult of agriculture fertilizer" following the unabashed evil of Timothy McVeigh's heinous crime against America on that fateful day in Oklahoma City.

No one faulted kitchen utensils or other hardware of choice after Jeffrey Dahmer was caught drugging,mutilating, raping, murdering and cannibalizing his victims. Nobody wanted "steak knife control" as they autopsied the dead nurses in Chicago, Illinois, as Richard Speck went on trial for mass murder.Evil is as evil does, and laws disarming guaranteed victims make evil people very, very happy. Shame on us.

Already spineless gun control advocates are squawking like chickens with their tiny-brained heads chopped off, making political hay over this most recent, devastating Virginia Tech massacre, when in fact it is their own forced gun-free zone policy that enabled the unchallenged methodical murder of 32 people.Thirty-two people dead on a U.S. college campus pursuing their American Dream, mowed-down over an extended period of time by a lone, non-American gunman in illegal possession of a firearm on campus in defiance of a zero-tolerance gun law. Feel better yet? Didn't think so.

Who doesn't get this? Who has the audacity to demand unarmed helplessness? Who likes dead good guys? I'll tell you who. People who tramp on the Second Amendment, that's who. People who refuse to accept the self-evident truth that free people have the God-given right to keep and bear arms, to defend themselves and their loved ones. People who are so desperate in their drive to control others, so mindless in their denial that they pretend access to gas causes arson, Ryder trucks and fertilizer cause terrorism, water causes drowning, forks and spoons cause obesity, dialing 911 will somehow save your life, and that their greedy clamoring to "feel good" is more important than admitting that armed citizens are much better equipped to stop evil than unarmed, helpless ones.

Pray for the families of victims everywhere, America. Study the methodology of evil. It has a profile, a system, a preferred environment where victims cannot fight back. Embrace the facts, demand upgrade and be certain that your children's school has a better plan than Virginia Tech or Columbine. Eliminate the insanity of gun-free zones, which will never, ever be gun-free zones. They will only be good guy gun-free zones, and that is a recipe for disaster written in blood on the altar of denial. I, for one, refuse to genuflect there.

Hammer 22 For all you cat lovers

Life's little challenges.

Last night about midnight, I went outside my front door to check the weather and to see if it had stopped raining.

I saw a huge puddle next to the door and I immediately knew it was the emergency overflow for the air conditioner condensation.

SHIT!

Trying not to wake everyone up, I opened the door where the ac unit was located and noticed it was all wet inside.

FUCK!

I grabbed some bleach from the laundry room and took off the cap to the condensation drainage pipe. It was full to the top.

ASSCOCK!

I went to the garage and grabbed an old tackle box. From the contents I procured a length of ten pound test line and a lead sinker.

I dropped the line down the pipe and it stopped after a few inches. I pulled it back up and the sinker was covered in white slimy muck. It had the consistency of wet toilet paper mixed with snot. This was some serious alien slime mold shit.

I was able to displace enough water to pour some bleach down the pipe.

The slime mold laughed at me and started foaming out of the pipe covering my hands in bleach and chunky slime. It formed another clog up top with caustic laundry bleach to add to my troubles.

I straightened a coat hanger and fished it down the hole and pulled up as much slime as I could. By this time it was about 1 AM and I'm sweating like a pig.

I figured I needed something to put some pressure on the pipe to blow that shit out of there.

I looked everywhere, The garden hose is a 50 footer and it was muddy outside so I wasn't about to drag that sombich upstairs.

Then I saw a hula hoop.

I grabbed that thing up and cut a section out of it with a kitchen knife. I put it down the drain pipe with a towel wrapped around the end.

On my knees in the closet blowing into a hula hoop, not my best moment.

I heard the water move, it was going down the emergency run off drain.

BUTT FUCK!

The water was going the wrong way. I blew harder this time and bleach splashed out onto my arms and clothes.

FUCK STICK!

It was 2:00 AM and I was tired of messing with it. I filled the pipe up with bleach, capped it off and went to bed in hopes the problem would correct itself in the night.

This morning I opened it up and saw no change, I dropped the fishing sinker back down into the hole.

I hear a gurgle and a swish and the water went down.

FINALLY

I ran down to the back yard and saw about 4 pounds of alien slime ooze out of the PVC pipe.

There is aways a slight endorphin release after a household job is completed successfully.

I could have called somebody, but the $100 per hour repair man doesn't usually do anything different than I do and always glares disapprovingly at my helplessness and incompetence.

I'm going to go out on a limb here.

During the LA riots back in 92 some people used the anarchy to burn down Korean, Arab and Indian run stores and shops. Why? Because they were jealous. They weren't mad at the cops or the old white guys running the big corporations, they were mad at people who arrived in the US without a goddamn dime and within two years owned a home and a successful business.

Many Americans do not have the work ethic or gumption to get off their asses and make something of themselves.

I don't give a flying fuck if you are a homeless drifter who writes poetry or plays a banjo... at least you are doing something.

How many people complain about being trapped in an office cubicle or working for the man, being held down and not being able to get a break. Fuck breaks! You have to make your own.

These same bastards are buying 6 dollar coffees each morning, eating an 11 dollar lunch at some shit assed bistro and drinking 40 or 50 dollars worth of overpriced booze at some pickup joint at least three times a week.

Wake the hell up! Take some of that cash and put it toward something useful like an education, your own business or a gun to put in your mouth so I don't have to listen to your mealy mouth "woe is me" bullshit anymore.

Some people insist on living like Paris Hilton by way of credit cards, payday loans and floating hot checks. Then they cry like little babies when they are forced to give blowjobs in the park so they don't lose their 40 inch plasma TV and Caddilac
Escalade.

I'm not going to go into all the fucking sacrifices I've made to survive on my own the last 20 years but I will tell you I had furniture that came from in front of a dumpster ate creamed corn and day old bread sandwiches and drove a 20 year old wrecked car with no AC, radio or brakes. Lets just suffice it to say there were no luxuries but the bills were paid, and all my shit was squared away.

It's about priorities

I frequently have to deal with relatives that want to borrow money from me. I find it really difficult to take them seriously when they walk up to my door with a frappacino, pack of Marlboro's and a bag of Burger King telling me that they can't make their cell phone payment and would I please loan them nine hundred fucking dollars.

Nine hundred dollars for a cell phone bill? Are they fucking insane? I told them to throw the fucker away and get a pre-paid phone if it was really a necessity. I even offered to give them my old phone, all they needed was to buy some minutes.

They got really pissed off and haven't spoken to me in over two years. Good riddance assholes.

It just goes to show that the values in this country have gone down the shitter. People care more about their possessions, trivial luxuries and partying than actually thinking about the future or taking steps to fulfill some lasting legacy... other than a mound of debt and a list of lame excuses.