Hammer's Disney World and Orlando Guide

As soon as the kids get out of school this week we are on our way to Disney World. I'm not so excited about it myself but the youngins love that shit.

I've learned to work the system. Here are some tips that will save your ass and help you have a much better time.

Stay off property. You will actually be closer to the parks because you won't have to walk your ass off to get out of the resort and to the parking lot. Disney properties have food courts and snack areas but the food sucks and costs and an arm and a leg. They've got you trapped because they make it such a pain in the ass to get out and go to a real restaurant.

Stay in a hotel with continental breakfast. You will save a ton of money and can pack up some fruit and things to take with you. This also will save time, and from standing in lines and dealing with hungry cranky kids.

Get to the parks early, If you get there as they open the gate, you will be able to ride twice as much and actually walk on to some of the bigger attractions right away. While everyone else is eating at the Shoneys, you can be enjoying the parks while it's still fairly cool and uncrowded.

Bring bottled water and snacks in a backpack. This will save your ass. Disney's Bottled water is expensive. Hot dogs and pretzels are 5 bucks each. I bring cookies, fruit, nuts and crackers. The kids will love you for it. It will save you and your wallet from collapse. You can also refill the bottles at the water fountain if you are as cheap as I am ;)

Don't buy park hopper tickets. You will actually save money by planning ahead and buying your park tickets individually. You would have to be super-human to be able to go from park to park over the course of a week. I've done it, it sucks and is very expensive. Buy your ticket at the gate and enjoy yourself. They will stamp your hand so you can come back later that day. This will also help in case someone wants to go do something besides the parks. They won't feel like they are wasting their tickets.

Leave early: If you get to the park early you can do tons of stuff, get out of there in the early afternoon and go have lunch somewhere off property. Kissimi has tons of decent family restaurants that cost much less than the vile swill they serve at the parks. You can rest up, change clothes and go back to the park later if you want. Save your ticket and don't wash off your hand stamp.

Visit Universal studios, It's a 15 min drive right up I-4. The tickets are cheap and there are two huge parks with attractions that kick Disney's ass. Plan on two days there. They also have better restaurants and souvenirs so you can take it easy and stay the day.

Don't kill yourself. People go to these parks thinking they have to ride everything and see everything. Make a plan and decide what you want to see and do, get a park map and go have fun. If you don't get to everything, so what?... Some stuff sucks anyway, just go visit what looks interesting to you.

Use Fast Pass...Here's the trick, you can get a fast pass for a popular ride, go mess around and do other things. Your pass will tell you to come back in 40 min, then you can walk straight onto your ride. Sometimes they will let you have two fast passes at a time. This is great for people like me who get pissed at standing in a line for 2 hours for a 2 min ride. Watch out, when your fast pass time comes around, you will be walking right past people that have been standing in line in the hot sun for hours. They will want to pummel you.

Stay healthy: Florida is hot. Use sunscreen, drink lots of water, eat light, take it easy and don't get sick.

Wear good shoes: There will be a shitload of walking, wear good tennis shoes and thick socks.

Be careful of outside attractions. Many of these are complete scams. I paid 30 bucks to get into the Ripley's museum...it had one and a half rooms with 10 boring artifacts. Total rip off

Buy a Frommers travel guide and read up on things before you waste your money.

Bring cell phones, in case you get separated from your group. It's easy to get shuffled in the crowd and lose track of people.

Be sure to visit Downtown Disney, it's free, there is a movie theater, non Disney shops, cigars, coffee, non Disney restaurants and a nice relaxing place to walk around without spending tons of money.

Hope these tips help you if you plan on taking a trip to Mouse land this summer.