More funnies

Hope everyone has a great Easter. Here are some more funnies.

OK which blogger is this?

Something tells me Lil Derrick is doing some early career training.

Does it scare away the thetans?

Some funnies

What men do.

There are three reasons a man will make a bed:
1. He is trying to get laid
2. He is in the military.
3. He is 35 and mom told him no more Warcraft until he does it.

Men will always try to throw something at the trash can because if they make it then they don't have to get up. If they miss, the next person can get it.

Farts are the poor man's WMD. We all have a little terrorist inside.

Men are like dogs, they have to smell things to understand them. Don't get in the way.

If you are the last female in the bar at 2:00am you are guaranteed a date..so leave at 1:45 if you know what's good for you.

Men don't cry. Our eyes water at inappropriate times.

Men are never too sick to go to work but are always too sick to do housework.

Men often refer to their belly as "table muscle" "Beer investment dividend" or "tool shed"

Men's eyes are involuntarily drawn to boobs regardless of what the boobs are attached to. It's a vestigial caveman thing. Either don't get angry or buy him glasses with boobs painted on the lenses.

Men don't like watching movies unless they have guns and explosions or dick and fart jokes or all of the above...are you listening Hollywood?

Wives and girlfriends...here is some advice: If your man is in the bathroom and says: "holy shit! Come look at this!" ...Don't! .....As a side note, don't let them take the digital camera into the bathroom either.

Men's and women's noses differ greatly. To a woman, baby poop is cute. To a man it's !awwwagrabbable! followed by dry heaves. If you want your husband to change a diaper, buy a gas mask or make a cologne soaked bandana he can tie around his face.

Sorry that name is taken

Hat tip to: http://www.vincentchow.net/

Not Safe for work!!!

Children's letters to the Democratic party

Children are especially interested in the upcoming election. Here are some letters received recently by the Democratic National Committee.

"Does everyone in my family move to Canada if Obama is elected, or is it just everyone on my Daddy's side?" - Henrietta, Age 11,

"How is my daddy going to get his money for retirement if Obama is going to take it all and give it to the cracker heads?" - Jenny, Age 10

"Does Obama only wear a turban when he visits his family in Kenya?" - Katherine, Age 13,

"I'm saving myslef for marage, Is Obama going to make me have sex with my girlfriend and smoke marniguana and cigarittes before I'm old enough? - Jonathan, Age 12

"I'm so scared of Obama! Is he going to bite my head off and feed it to the Puff Daddy like Momma says?" - Jack, Age 7,

"What is a half-breeded nappity headed comanist snoffabeach?" Gillian , Age 5

"Will Obama make my Daddy pay shaniqua more money to clean my bedroom? And can I still boss her around alot? I like it when she always calls me 'ma'am!" - Alison , Age 7,

"If Obama gets elected, is he going to let negroes live in my tree-fort!?" - Jimmy, Age 11,

"Does Obama think my daddy makes too much money? Is Obama gonna give daddy's money to Uncle Cecil so he can buy cracked cains? Mom says Obama wants to make her stamp her food, why??? - Nancy, Age 11,

"Dad's being saying this word lots when he reads about the Obama.... so What is a Knee Gar anyway? It sounds scary! Is it like a crocodile?" - Amy, Age 6

"Is Rushi Limbargh gonna stop Obama before he makes the white house secstion 8?" Todd, Age 9,

"Why does daddy cuss so much when Obama is on TV?" - Benjamin, Age 8

Hammer's demented poetry

I've seen a lot of poetry in my blog travels. Being of the caveman ilk, I don't usually avail myself to the fruitier pursuits. However, I think I found a way to create poetry for the common man who proudly farts, scratches his nuts and guzzles beer.

Haiku

From inner sanctum
A mighty rumble echos
Dare I release it?

Limerick

Forty beer I did consume
Cans and bottles fill me room
A hairy belly hangs o'er my belt
A more manly odor you've ne'er smelt
If you'll excuse me now my drinking must resume

Monody

Tyrone Jackson didn't do nuffin
Law done shot him cause da crack he's puffin
Tyrone bees a star aflete n sheet
Dribbles dat bassaball on the street

His momma be cryin cause he was a good boy
He thought that glock be a cheap plastic toy
Tyrone be a scholar.. smartest of his kin
He be eighteen in the third grade again

So pour out some o dat malt liquor
For da homey who shoulda run quicker
He point dat gun when da pigs sayed stop
It's all good, we get to watch you on "Cops"

Monorhyme

As I sit on the cool seat of my crapper
A Field and stream magazine sits in my lapper
I'm trying to push but the turd is a trapper
Can't concentrate cause the dog is a yapper
If he doesn't shut up I'll give him a slapper
My poop just broke off... I call that a snapper
Forgot to buy paper I've got to wipe with a wrapper

Rude food across Asia

Below is a sampling odd Asian food names, Polynesian, Chinese, Thai, Indian and Korean. It's kind of embarassing ordering "phat prik ho" so I just tell them #27
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Puto: steamed cup cakes made with sticky rice flour and coconut milk (Means gay in several languages. I guess it fits)
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Bangus: grilled milkfish stuffed with vegetables (Be careful when you ask for this one)
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Loco Moco: a fried egg on top of a hamburger on top of a pile of rice - all smothered in brown gravy! (Literally Crazy booger)
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Pupu: appetizer, hors d'oeuvre (I thought ordering a pupu platter was the funniest thing when I was 8. Come to think of it, I still do.)
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Hor Fun: fried broad, thick rice noodles ($350 per hour no kinky stuff)
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Gook: a broth-like soup with rice (I guess since the Germans had already taken Kraut...)
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Kook Soo: noodles in broth with meat and vegetables (Long pig Boy named soo)
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Sopa Borracha: sponge cake with rum sauce (Literally drunk soup)
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Ma-Muang: mango (Is that a Mango in your pants or are you happy to see me?)
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Moo: pork (Is beef called oink?)
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Nam Prik: hot sauce (Or My dad's commanding officer in 67)
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Phat Prik: Stir fried vegetables (My former boss)
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Gasagasa: Poppy seeds (I'm thinking they cause flatulence...)
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Godambi: Cashews (Godambi these are good)
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Poondu: Garlic (Or what your girlfriend gets if she really really likes you)
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Here are some oddly named food products with hilarious commentary. http://www.dazbert.co.uk/sites/rudefood/

12 steps to not being gay.

Don't get offended or your panties in a knot because that would be really gay.

1. A man wearing two fancy earrings is gay. Unless you are a pirate or are sure you can kick my ass with tai kwan do, keep the earring thing to a maximum of one preferably less.

2. A guy who admits listening to Julia Fordham, Edie Brickell, or Alanis Morissette is gay. Period. End of story. Buy lots of turtle neck sweaters and argyle socks.

3. A woman with a wallet chain and spiked hair is most definitely gay or is really really pissed off at her mom for making her wear that giant bow in her hair in the 8th grade.

4. A man with a bag that is not a backpack, satchel, briefcase or gunny sack ...flamer....

5. Are you a male that owns skin care products not prescribed by a physician ..definitely been tooting on the meat horn.

6. Men are not supposed to be pretty. If you are extra smooth and boyish, take up boxing or repeatedly break beer bottles across your face until you look like Ernest Borgnine. Otherwise, if you go to prison, you will end up with tits tattooed on your back.

7. Fruity wine coolers are gay. Unless it is the only beverage you have left in the house.. then you put it in a plastic cup so nobody can see how gay you are for not buying enough beer.

8. Complaining about an injury that doesn't require emergency surgery is gay....like the coach says: "walk it off you damn sissy Mary".

9. Making hair go away from any part of your body other than above the shoulders is gay. I don't care if you are a swimmer. Men shaving their bodies invites gayness.. Just say no.

10. Touching another man in anything other than the quick high-five, belly bump or the quick type hug you give dad or grandpa is gay. Male to male touching outside of arm wrestling or a choke hold should be measured in milliseconds.

11. Watching lifetime, LMN, Oxygen, or any of the sundry estrogen charged television channels is gay. It is a scientific fact that men who watch Oprah are 120% more likely to crave hairy butts. Don't become a statistic.

12. A Three way with 2 guys and a girl.....Cannot end up anything but gay. No straight man wants hairy balls flapping around anywhere near him. Don't do it. Sloppy seconds are much less gay.

I hope you have been educated in the fine art of not being gay.

If you are gay that's OK. We can be cool and hang out, drink beer and watch sports. Just don't bring quiche and finger sandwiches, cause that would be gay..

The dead man's balls

I've always loved bowling, never was much good at it, but there is always something satisfying about knocking shit down. It's probably the same reason I like target shooting.

Back in 1998 I watched the Big Lebowski and it rekindled my interest in bowling. I had my own business and in between jobs I would roll a few games. I ended up spending a lot of money bowling that year.

So I joined a league, it ended up saving me tons of money. The people at the brunswick bowl would feel sorry for me having to pay $70 for an afternoon in an empty bowling alley, so they fudged the bill for me more often than not.

One day, my mother in law showed up at my house. Her visits usually fill me with dread because there is always some crazy shit going on. More often than not she wants something from me or to make my life really annoying.

Much to my surprise, she opens up the trunk of her car and it's filled with bowling balls.

My eyes went wide, there were five of them and a pair of bowling shoes.

She was all proud of herself, mother in law had gone to a garage sale and the person was selling all the stuff that had belonged to her recently deceased husband.

Bowling balls are like Jock straps, you really don't want to use one that belonged to someone else and it's very unlikely that one would fit in the correct places if you know what I mean...

She got all these balls and accessories for 5 bucks, so I gave her the money and took the stuff to my workshop. I had no idea what I was going to do with all this shit.

I went through the balls. 4 of them were cheap plastic ones you can get at any sporting goods store for 14 bucks. The shoes were size 8. The man had giant hands and itty bitty feet.

There was one name brand ball labeled " the angle" It just so happened to have my initials on it. Seems the dead man and I had something in common. I just figured it was a weird coincidence.

I took the monogrammed ball to the pro shop that was owned by a retired pro bowler to get it checked out and possibly plugged and re-drilled for me as a spare.

He took one look at it and said that I had one of the best bowling balls of 20 some odd years ago and he himself had used one to win a championship in 1980.

He measured my hand, had me put my fingers in different gauges, then prepared to plug and drill the ball to fit. He stopped and said:

"This ball is already drilled exactly for your hand, I've never seen anything like it"

I tested the fit and it did indeed feel pretty good.

I went out on the lanes to try it out. The ball was drilled for finger tip bowling, and the two middle fingers were drilled first knuckle shallow for putting a spin on the ball.

I wasn't used to this and I ended up accidentally dropping the ball on my approach.

It rolled down the right side of the lane next to the gutter. It teetered on the edge all the way down. Then at the last second, it made a left turn and knocked down all the pins.

I tried several more times and found that all I had to do was drop the ball at the right side of the lane to make a strike. The ball did all the work.

My score was the highest ever at 274.

It almost seemed as if there was someone guiding it.

For about a year, I kept a 240 average. However I soon realized that this kind of bowling wasn't any fun.

The dead man's posessed ball was doing all the work and I had not truely learned to bowl. It was like cheating. I didn't like it.

So I went out and bought another nice new professional ball and I'm now trying to learn to bowl properly.


But, if I ever want to impress someone with an ultra high score...I just whip out the dead man's ball...

I took all the cheap balls out to my dad's place and shot them to pieces with my 30-30 just so they wouldn't get into the hands of an unscrupulous bowler.

I would hate to see some yahoo S.O.B win the PBA world championship by cheating with one of those damn things.

Away for the weekend

Going out of town this weekend, see you next week.

I'll leave you with these:


Anna Nicole Buried


Liberal Oscars


Funny Cats


Funny dogs

Some more funnies

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Funny stuff

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: When is your birthday?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY! : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?!
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

Bits of wisdom and a quick hammer video.

When shopping for something mechanical or electronic always weigh each box in your hand and pick the heaviest one. Heavy=good and is more likely to have all the parts included.

The cubed and shredded cheeses in the deli may seem like a good deal but they were trimmed from the middle of a moldy block and re=packaged. Give em the sniff test if you don't believe me.

You can buy off brand Kahlua, it all tastes the same.

You can take a stale bag of chips spread them on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 5 min and make them as good as new.

All toothpaste and mouthwashes are the same. They all have the same ingredients Save your money and buy the cheap stuff.

A half a lemon dipped in table salt cleans counter tops better than most off the shelf products.

Always buy generic store brand medicines. Exact same ingredients half the price.

Don't take Tylenol if you drink. Bad combination for your liver. Remember, almost all cold medicines contain acetaminophen as well.

Remember to read something aloud before you hit the leave comment button. (I'm bad about it)

If you drink and blog and have failed to get the word verification correct more than 7 times in a row your comment probably isn't any good anyway.

The word "cunt" should be kept behind glass and only used in emergencies.

Hammer's 9th

Another silly one. Dennis Leary saves the animals

Hammer's 8th

I'm mostly of Irish descent so I thought I'd do a silly one in tribute.

Found something funny

Red state update

Hammer's sixth montage

I don't know why but this is one of my favorite songs.

Video number six.

Sometimes a few choice words have more meaning than an entire book.

I'm going to post some of my favorite quotes I've read over the years.

These phrases have been selected for their, poignancy, wit and wisdom.

They are in no particular order. Enjoy

An appeaser is somone who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last...Sir Winston Churchill

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government...Thomas Jefferson

One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.... Sir Winston Churchill

If I hadn't been President of the United States, I probably would have ended up a piano player in a bawdy house.... Harry S. Truman

The atom bomb was no "great decision." It was merely another powerful weapon in the arsenal of righteousness... Harry S. Truman

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same... Ronald Reagan

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other... Ronald Reagan

In Israel, free men and women are every day demonstrating the power of courage and faith. Back in 1948 when Israel was founded, pundits claimed the new country could never survive. Today, no one questions that. Israel is a land of stability and democracy in a region of tryanny and unrest... Ronald Reagan

America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our people...George W. Bush

Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists...George W. Bush

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine...Thomas Jefferson

I am mortified to be told that, in the United States of America, the sale of a book can become a subject of inquiry, and of criminal inquiry too...Thomas Jefferson

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes... Mark Twain

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper... Mark Twain

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable... Mark Twain

Our safety, our liberty, depends upon preserving the Constitution of the United States as our fathers made it inviolate. The people of the United States are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution... Abraham Lincoln

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself... Mark Twain

People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be...Abraham Lincoln

I can tell a young person where the mines are, but he's probably going to have to step on them anyway.... Burt Reynolds

I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober...Ozzy Osbourne

I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest....Homer Simpson

Aunt Clarabelle and the bionic pussy.

Aunt Clarabelle is on the wife's side of the family. For the longest time the only contact I had with her was at Christmas and Thanksgiving. That is until Aunt Clarabelle started a house cleaning business. Since the wife and I were both working all the time and kept weird hours, had a 2 year old and 4 dogs, we thought it might be a good idea to see if she could help with the housework.

She was already cleaning my sister in laws house, quite thoroughly I might add. So we decided to hire her. I was usually home in the morning when she came by to clean because I built computers in the morning delivered them in the afternoon.

I didn't know Clarabelle very well. She was about 60, short gray hair, skinny and was missing most of her front teeth. She was very Southern Baptist, opinionated and outspoken I soon found out.

I tried to stay out of her way when she cleaned and she did a good job except for the fact that she broke about every wine glass (Baptist conspiracy) vase and jar of bath oil we owned. She was always sorry and I didn't have the heart to take it out of her pay.

One day she broke another piece of crystal stemware and called me into the kitchen to show me the pieces. I sighed and told her "don't worry about it". All of the sudden Clarabelle pipes up with: "You know I just had surgery last week?" "Oh really are you ok?" I replied. She said "My vagina went inside out like a tube sock and fell out into my drawers and I kept peeing on myself"

My life suddenly began to flash before my eyes and my mouth went dry. My only response to this was a stuttered "uuggghh?" She went on and said "Yep they rebuilt my vagina and now it's good as new just like I was 18 again" At this point I'm a deer in the headlights ready to jump through the closest plate glass window. Even my normally rambunctious dog left the room with his tail between his legs.

I didn't move fast enough. Clarabelle continued her verbal water boarding with: " There's only one problem though, your Uncle Levi can't seem to penetrate me in my current condition" I looked down at my watch and shrieked "oh my god! I'm late for an appointment. See you later!"

It has taken years of counciling and many many martini's to get to the point where I can talk to you guys about this incident. Clarabelle doesn't clean our house anymore and I have trouble looking her in the eye at family functions. I still don't know what posessed her to spill her guts about the vaginal surgery. I hope she found what she needed to get the kinks worked out. I'll tell you one thing though, Uncle Levi sure looks happy.

Mistaken identity

It all started in the second grade. I went to a Catholic school where we learned very little about religion but were taught the "sit kneel stand" thing, communion, and confession.

One project we were given was to go home and research our name and it's biblical origin. My parents looked into their bible, and some other books, called a professor they knew and it was decided my name was a translation of "Jesus". Being a little kid I did not realize the implications of going to school and relaying that tidbit of information.

The next day at school, everyone is talking about John, Matthew, Luke, Anne, Beth etc..For some reason, I was last to present. I told them my name meant Jesus. Everything went silent. The teacher turned a funny color not unlike an eggplant. Not another word was said. I could tell the teacher was angry, but I had no idea what I had done. The rest of the second grade was miserable from that moment on. I broke some code and became a messiah pariah.

These days, I live in a town where a good portion of the population sees the virgin Mary everywhere., In toast, moldy walls, car bumpers etc.. Every other week, my step mother is driving 100 miles to look at "the virgin" that has manifested itself in a tree stump or a bathtub stain.

When a stolen Jesus statue fell into the Rio grande river, people came to the police station to worship it in the evidence room.

I don't put a lot of faith in inanimate objects but what can you do? It makes people feel better to think Jesus and Mary are looking over them and making their presence known.

My father in law was a barber and a mean sonovabitch ex marine. He did not like me ..a messkin marrying his daughter. He never spoke to me and made it clear he never intended to. The last thing I wanted was him cutting my hair. So I just stopped getting haircuts all together.

About a year later, I quit my horrid corporate job that was killing me. I lived in a small rental house in west side neighborhood. I had my 401K money to live on and I was trying to get my head together and decide what to do with the rest of my life.

When I would go to the small Mexican restaurant by the house, people would whisper and stare at me. Little kids would point at me and say "Mama! it's Jesus!" then they would get smacked off their chair.

I never thought much about it. I was a medium complected, thin, 24 year old with long brown hair and a beard. I didn't see Jesus when I looked in the mirror.

When little kids would call me Jesus I figured it was just their simplistic view of the world making comparisons of the things they see around them.

I was mowing my lawn one day and I looked over and saw the neighbors lawn was 3 feet tall and out of control. I hadn't met the people but I knew it was a single mom, her severely disabled teenaged son and a very old man who lived there.

I figured they could use some help, so I let myself into their gate and cut down the jungle and made it look nice.

The old man was struggling down the wheelchair ramp with a five dollar bill by the time I finished. I told him that I didn't want any money. I just wanted to help out.

The old man started crying and said "Jesus it's really you" he begged me to come inside to show me his shrine. I was a little freaked out but this man was 95 years old crippled and harmless. I went inside he showed me his little corner where he kept his Jesus pictures and candles.

I was kind of touched that he really believed I was Jesus, so I sat and talked with him for a while.

Later that year my dad took me out for my birthday to a hole in the wall biker bar. Everyone kept coming up and staring at me. Finally a drunk guy in the band yelled into the microphone, "Jesus is in the house!" Frigging embarrassing. I don't like attention and it seemed this Jesus thing was getting out of hand.

My dad told me that resembling Jesus was a big responsibility and I had a lot to live up to. Thanks dad, not that I didn't have enough to do...

Why does this shit always happen to me? Why couldn't I look like David Hasselhoff or something.

Luckily, I don't get mistaken for the messiah much anymore. Now everyone thinks I'm silent bob.

Not sure which one is worse.