Aunt Clarabelle and the bionic pussy.

Aunt Clarabelle is on the wife's side of the family. For the longest time the only contact I had with her was at Christmas and Thanksgiving. That is until Aunt Clarabelle started a house cleaning business. Since the wife and I were both working all the time and kept weird hours, had a 2 year old and 4 dogs, we thought it might be a good idea to see if she could help with the housework.

She was already cleaning my sister in laws house, quite thoroughly I might add. So we decided to hire her. I was usually home in the morning when she came by to clean because I built computers in the morning delivered them in the afternoon.

I didn't know Clarabelle very well. She was about 60, short gray hair, skinny and was missing most of her front teeth. She was very Southern Baptist, opinionated and outspoken I soon found out.

I tried to stay out of her way when she cleaned and she did a good job except for the fact that she broke about every wine glass (Baptist conspiracy) vase and jar of bath oil we owned. She was always sorry and I didn't have the heart to take it out of her pay.

One day she broke another piece of crystal stemware and called me into the kitchen to show me the pieces. I sighed and told her "don't worry about it". All of the sudden Clarabelle pipes up with: "You know I just had surgery last week?" "Oh really are you ok?" I replied. She said "My vagina went inside out like a tube sock and fell out into my drawers and I kept peeing on myself"

My life suddenly began to flash before my eyes and my mouth went dry. My only response to this was a stuttered "uuggghh?" She went on and said "Yep they rebuilt my vagina and now it's good as new just like I was 18 again" At this point I'm a deer in the headlights ready to jump through the closest plate glass window. Even my normally rambunctious dog left the room with his tail between his legs.

I didn't move fast enough. Clarabelle continued her verbal water boarding with: " There's only one problem though, your Uncle Levi can't seem to penetrate me in my current condition" I looked down at my watch and shrieked "oh my god! I'm late for an appointment. See you later!"

It has taken years of counciling and many many martini's to get to the point where I can talk to you guys about this incident. Clarabelle doesn't clean our house anymore and I have trouble looking her in the eye at family functions. I still don't know what posessed her to spill her guts about the vaginal surgery. I hope she found what she needed to get the kinks worked out. I'll tell you one thing though, Uncle Levi sure looks happy.