12 steps to not being gay.

Don't get offended or your panties in a knot because that would be really gay.

1. A man wearing two fancy earrings is gay. Unless you are a pirate or are sure you can kick my ass with tai kwan do, keep the earring thing to a maximum of one preferably less.

2. A guy who admits listening to Julia Fordham, Edie Brickell, or Alanis Morissette is gay. Period. End of story. Buy lots of turtle neck sweaters and argyle socks.

3. A woman with a wallet chain and spiked hair is most definitely gay or is really really pissed off at her mom for making her wear that giant bow in her hair in the 8th grade.

4. A man with a bag that is not a backpack, satchel, briefcase or gunny sack ...flamer....

5. Are you a male that owns skin care products not prescribed by a physician ..definitely been tooting on the meat horn.

6. Men are not supposed to be pretty. If you are extra smooth and boyish, take up boxing or repeatedly break beer bottles across your face until you look like Ernest Borgnine. Otherwise, if you go to prison, you will end up with tits tattooed on your back.

7. Fruity wine coolers are gay. Unless it is the only beverage you have left in the house.. then you put it in a plastic cup so nobody can see how gay you are for not buying enough beer.

8. Complaining about an injury that doesn't require emergency surgery is gay....like the coach says: "walk it off you damn sissy Mary".

9. Making hair go away from any part of your body other than above the shoulders is gay. I don't care if you are a swimmer. Men shaving their bodies invites gayness.. Just say no.

10. Touching another man in anything other than the quick high-five, belly bump or the quick type hug you give dad or grandpa is gay. Male to male touching outside of arm wrestling or a choke hold should be measured in milliseconds.

11. Watching lifetime, LMN, Oxygen, or any of the sundry estrogen charged television channels is gay. It is a scientific fact that men who watch Oprah are 120% more likely to crave hairy butts. Don't become a statistic.

12. A Three way with 2 guys and a girl.....Cannot end up anything but gay. No straight man wants hairy balls flapping around anywhere near him. Don't do it. Sloppy seconds are much less gay.

I hope you have been educated in the fine art of not being gay.

If you are gay that's OK. We can be cool and hang out, drink beer and watch sports. Just don't bring quiche and finger sandwiches, cause that would be gay..