Things that bug me

I was reading a magazine in the doctor's office the other day and they kept referring to the Eastern Sea Borg.

I thought to myself.. WTF is a Sea Borg? Then coincidentally on the History channel I heard the narrator clearly say Sea Borg. I thought maybe they were talking about the Eastern Seaboard.

To be safe, I googled it . Just as I thought...The media is just plain ignorant.

Here are some others that often get past the editors.

Quite instead of Quiet

Loose instead of Lose

Very Unique (either it is or isn't)

"Irregardless" (an illogical double negative)

"Loafs" instead of loaves

"Saleing" instead of selling.

"for sell" instead of "For sale"

"midevil" instead of medieval

CURVE YOUR APPETITE (grrr)

Door Jam instead of Jamb

Grin and bare it instead of "bear". Bare is naked. I guess they could grin and bare it..

I know I know... I'm being an ass. I write conversationally and use many slang words. I'm sure I mess things up from time to time.

However, if I'm paying money for professionally written articles and books, I want it done right.

I was reading online about an air emergency a few weeks ago. The author wrote that, "passengers slid down the emergency "shoot" to safety."

I wrote an E-mail to the editor regarding the error and in his response he wrote that he saw no problem with the article.. So again, I wrote and asked if he had ever jumped out of a plane wearing a "parashoot"..The article was fixed within the hour.

Yeah I'm an ass.

Random thoughts

I don't understand what all the fuss is about. Aggression towards the United States or our allies needs to be met with overwhelming force and crushing vindictive punishment. This is the only thing our enemies understand. Negotiations are for civilized people We are not dealing with civilized people.

Civilized people do not castrate children for magic belt trinkets, Civilized people do not commit piracy, civilized people do not send suicide bombers into children's schools, civilized people do not legalize rape.

The perpetrators of these vile atrocities need to be killed right along with their sympathizers. Human life is indeed sacred until someone through their own actions forfeits their right to exist.
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I read that the NAACP, Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton are targeting Fox network for not showing enough minorites in their broadcasts.
Fox corporation bowed to the pressure and agreed to the demands rather than deal with protests and lawsuits....

Now Fox will now broadcast COPS and America's Most Wanted twice as often.
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Hollywood is ashamed of America and wants it to be punished. Ron Howard says that America doesn't deserve or need to be a world power anymore..

Opie Cunningham is more than entitled to his opinion and I'm sure people who are proud of their country will be more than happy to boycott his movies.
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The polar Ice Caps on Mars are shrinking...must be all those SUV's Al Gore warned us about.
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Here are my predictions for 2009: Riots, Earthquakes and Rabid Possums

WTF?

Take that animal hunters...


Spidey has a surprise for the evil fister.

Fo shizzle?

Musings

Celebrities... If you've known me for any length of time you know I'm not a media whore and I hold utter disdain for all things popular. I've come face to face with several celebrities and I ignored them like they weren't there. Even if I liked the particular actor, I wouldn't dream of bothering them.

The only exception was when I worked in a Bar where Augie Meyers was playing. I bought him a beer, shook his hand and thanked him for his music and that was it.

I'm so sick of hearing about the woes and poor decisions made by friends and family. You know, when I fuck up, I kick myself in the nuts, learn from my mistake and then I don't talk about it again. It's bad enough when I replay my screw up over and over in my head. I don't think that hashing it out for attention and sympathy is going to do myself or anyone else one iota of good.

These days when someone gives me shit, goes off on me, or does something that really pisses me off , I don't stew about it. I immediately take action and demand to be treated with respect. Life is too short for "I shoulda woulda said this or that'... just fucking do it. A coward dies a thousand deaths...That is about the truest statement I've ever heard.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone young or old...here it is...don't take no shit off nobody.

You might have to bide your time if it's a cop or a judge but you are better off standing up for what's right because getting the shit kicked out of you is usually a lot better than the inner turmoil caused by not doing anything. A predator can smell easy prey a mile away. Don't be a willing or compacent victim whether it be on the streets or in the bosses office.

Weeekend mini-rant

I woke up this morning to read this: Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will be right in the middle of his sensational, highly publicized run on Broadway in the play, "Equus." Radcliffe appears naked in the play, on stage, ......about blinding horses and having sex with them

You know guys, I wasn't a big Harry Potter fan but over the years, the series grew on me. You get to like the characters. Plus, a whole generation of kids are growing up with the hogwarts gang. So..now the Harry Potter kid decides he doesn't want to be typecast.

What? Did he just wake up one morning and have an epiphany? " Oh gee I know what will cure me of the Harry Potter curse!" I will get nekkid, stab out a horse's eyes and skull fuck it on Broadway! Yippeee!"

Brilliant...Now instead of being know as the brave and noble boy wizard, you will be known as deeply disturbed horse fucker. .....................................................................................................................................................
Wife of Televangelist Joel Osteen is sued for allegedly assaulting a black female flight attendant.

According to court documents, Brown claims that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident and said her faith was affected. She is also suing Osteen for medical expenses for counseling. Brown wants an apology and wants to punish Victoria Osteen with punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of her net worth

So this woman was hit so hard that it exploded her anus and knocked out her religion gland.?

The people sitting right there in first class saw or heard nothing of the supposed assault that allegedly happened mere inches away from them.

I wonder if Brown is related to the stripper in the Duke rape case.

Mercifully, the jury called bullshit and sent the lying bitch packing.

This month's "Things that piss me off"

What the fuck good is a prius or any other hybrid for that matter if you are going to paint flames down the side of the sombitch and drive around like your gas pedal has two settings...on and off.

What? You getting about 7 miles per gallon out of that thing? Then I see you at the stoplight glaring smugly at my SUV. You know what? They are going to be scraping that snotty ass look off of the underside of an 18 wheeler when you plow under it at 90mph while chatting on your cellphone about how superior you are for going green. Dickheads.

Here in the states we drive on the right side of the road..that's just what we do. I also expect people would use similar logic while walking in the mall or pushing their cart's through the grocery store...nope that's just too much to expect. I've come to the conclusion that I'm surrounded by the walking braindead; idiots that shuffle around mindlessly with the sole purpose of blocking my way, wasting my time and pissing me off.

I was at the grocery store recently and I ended up in line with a cashier who had his pants hanging down below his ass cheeks. This asshole had red underwear and it looked like a fucking baboon's ass. I was dumbfounded. Then the bastard gave me the hard stare and kill whitey go to hell look.

Since I had the kids with me I didn't make a scene. I called the manager from the parking lot. He started making excuses about him forgetting his belt and that Le Tyronell is really a good boy and he wouldn't do anything like that.

I don't normally go off on people but this time something in my head snapped. I told the manager: Your piece of shit gangbanger cashier exposed his entire red calvin klein asscheeks to me, my children and the 90 year old lady behind me. He also glared at me and did not speak during the entire transaction. If you don't do something about it I'm going to your general manager and to corporate. The phone went silent for a second, then the manager started sputtering...he didn't speak to you...well that's unacceptable... I'll get right on it.

Yeah whatever...The manager was probably afraid of confronting LeTyronell and getting his ass capped on the way to his car at midnight....

My most offensive post to date

Anyone else notice that the dumbest, clumsiest most inept creature on TV these days is the male father figure? He always has a stupid scheme that causes trouble, he is always fucking things up, his kids and wife constantly insult him and treat him with less respect than an unflushed toilet grumpy. The commercials are worse...The regular Joe gets told how stupid he is by nearly everyone. It looks like there is something going on in Hollywood like white male guilt and self hatred by the pussies trying to brainwash us into submission.


When is the last time you saw a minority or a single mom get portrayed as an idiot on a commerical or sitcom? ...yeah me either.


I make it a point not to watch too much celebrity TV but I do like cooking shows because I learn a lot from them. I've noticed that my favorite food shows are starting to bring celebrity guests on to help cook...Paula Deen recently had Rosie O'Donnell on her show. It was fucking disgusting.

After they finished giving each other mutual rim jobs they started cooking. . Julia Childs would have chased that commie bitch out of her kitchen with a carving knife in one hand and a rolling pin in another..god rest her soul.


Then they bring the flamboyant fashion fags onto the next food network star and sure enough the flaming fudge packer starts rubbing up on one of the male contestants, mussing his hair and making sexual comments about his ass...C'mon! Enough already! I'm fine with celebrity pole smokers as long as they don't fucking dry hump everything on the set and make me lose my appetite. Folks like Ted Allen I'm fine with. He is as queer as a three dollar bill but he has composure, class and knows his shit...so to speak.

Why can't we go back to a time where we could say what we wanted, tell dirty jokes without having to look over our shoulder and drink three martini's at lunch if we wanted to? People these days are afraid of saying anything for fear of offending someone..anyone who might sue for discrimination.

Back when I first started working..some asshole would walk into the office and say to the secretary..."nice tits honey" she would either say "thank you" or stand up and kick him squaw in the nuts. Problem solved.

Used to be when two dudes got into a pissing match they took it outside and traded punches until one of the dudes had a change of heart...then they shook hands and went to a titty bar.

Now whenever some candy ass has a tiff with another employee he goes out on work related stress leave and sucks the corporate welfare titty instead of the stripper titty. How is this better?

Our country has become civilized to the point where it resembles a big gaping undouched vagina with PMS and a yeast infection.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

From the WTF files

I was brushing my teeth this morning and I walked into the bedroom where the kids were watching this thing sing and dance on TV. It's a fucking bumpy dildo man. Am I the only one who sees this? What message are these people on PBS trying to send? Look at dancing one eyed knobbed for your pleasure dildo cock man! Watch him bounce up and down...sheesh WTF?

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15 year old is 462 pounds and thinks eating will kill her.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,395841,00.html

In an average day, she eats several processed ready-made meals, several sandwiches, peanuts, sausages, chips, chocolate and chunks of cheese — washed down with bottles of Coke or milk.

I don't want to sound like a cruel and unsympathatic blogger, but She is 15 years old for chrissakes! Stop buying shit and make her a fucking salad! Her mother needs to be horse whipped for making this food available. Un-fucking-believable..how does this even get on the news? WTF?
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Mexican soliders hold US border partol agents at gunpoint...IN THE UNITED STATES

http://washingtontimes.com/news/2008/aug/06/soldiers-cross-into-us-hold-guns-to-agent/

Since 1996, there have been more than 200 confirmed incursions by the
Mexican military into the United States.

Ok... who the fuck's job is it to keep the Mexican Army out of the United States? We need our troops down there NOW with Abrams tanks, A10 warthogs and shitload of ammo. Where is Blackjack Pershing when you need him? WTF!!

Disturbances in the blogforce

I've dissected the blogosphere before here here and here and I thought I had pretty much covered it all. Apparently not.

Honestly I'm a pretty conservative person overall. I might sprinkle profanity here and there or talk about weird family stuff, but I think pretty much everyone here knows what to expect from me.

Sometimes I'll click on a recommended link or go check out a new commenter's blog and it will completely disrupt my brain functions. I want to be polite and leave a comment, but for the first time in my life, I'm at a total loss for words.

I'll read it a second time thinking maybe I skipped a punchline or the part where they dropped the LSD but usually to no avail.

Let me give you an example.

"Well I was totally like colonic irrigation you know! Woooo! It was like snowflakes! I didn't know he was into purient pet catalogs shazam! It was completely fergilicious...you know what I'm sayin?"

I scratch my head and wonder if it's some kind of secret code.

Then someone will invite me to their blog and when I visit there is an "artsy?' pic of a woman with her legs spread wide open and the blog entry goes like

" then he stuffed the can of creamed corn into my quivering mound of love jello"

Sorry...I'm not hungry anymore. click!

Then there's the folks that read that I'm a free thinker, vegetarian and automatically assume I'm some hippie dippy peacenik Barak Hussein Obama koolaid drinker.

"we must stop this unjust war at any cost..I would rather they kill me and my family before I would raise my hand in anger to take another human life. When they rape and torture it's Bush's fault be cause he oppressed them."

When I read shit like this it makes me glad I have a trash can handy so I can puke in it.

Fear and loathing in Las Vegas

My wife and I have been to Las Vegas countless times over the years. We always have a great time. We do stuff together, walk around, gamble a little, eat, drink see a show... no worries no stress.

My wife got a free trip to Vegas with her sister. Before she could ask me if it was ok to go without me, I told her not to worry and have a good time. My brother in law, (I will call shithead) was an abusive pain in the ass and he gave my wife's sister a whole load of shit about her going without him.

Four days of his wife being in Vegas sent him off the deep end. He was calling, screaming leaving messages on everyone's phone and basically going full on flaming apeshit. This was nothing new to me. I knew he was an unbalanced possessive asshole.

Did I mention shithead was on my bowling team? I was taking one for the team by letting him join. It gave my sister in law a break from his abuse once a week. Shithead was always too much of a pussy to give me problems. He was also jealous of me, probably due to my lack of mental illness and of me not having a substance abuse problem.

Did I mention my bowling team was a Las Vegas league? That meant at the end of the finals everyone got four days and three nights in Vegas paid for through the weekly bowling fees.

Once the time came, it was my two best friends Gary and Mike (I'll call the asshole twins) along with me and shithead. On our way to Vegas, everyone was talking about going to the ranch to have sex with prostitutes.... I told them to send me a postcard. Hookers ain't my bag baby....

You will never realize what whiny bitches are until you take three fat ass, cheap, miserly, passive aggressive fucktards to Las Vegas. They were like 3 babies that were just pulled off their mothers tit.

I was determined to have a good time. All these guys wanted to do was stay in the room and watch TV. After much cajoling, I finally got them out on the strip.. "this is too much walking" "I'm chafing" "My balls are sweaty" on an and on they bitched. I finally turned around and told them "If I wanted to hear bitching and moaning I would have brought your wives and girlfriends instead of you assholes"

This shamed them into shutting up for a little while. I decided right then and there that we needed mass quantities of alcohol, mostly to numb my brain to all the negative energy.

We went into O'Sheas and sat down at a 2 dollar blackjack table and proceeded to empty their keg of "free" Guinness. Winning at cards and free booze put shithead and the asshole twins in a better mood. We took a cab to the Hard Rock to check out the casino. Shithead and the asshole twins were losing money and getting angry. I won $500 on a slot machine and everyone started throwing a fit. My god! These guys had a mental age of 5. I never realized before how bad they were.

I was determined for these guys to loosen up and have fun. We back to the hotel, changed and headed to the House of Blues. We began drinking kamikaze's finally we were having a good time laughing and making poop and fart jokes. The asshole twins were flirting with the bartenders when shithead brother in law tells me that his wife is calling his phone every 5 minutes screaming and crying and going hysterical about her not giving him permission to go to Vegas. I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity. Shithead and my sister in law were truly soul mates.

My friend Gary overheard this and said , "damn! why is she being such a bitch" Uh Oh. that was the wrong thing for one drunk asshole to say to another. I jumped in between them and told my friend to apologize for calling his wife a bitch...well I guess most of you know how stubborn and stupid drunks can be. They didn't fight but instead pouted for the rest of the trip.

By this time I had enough. I went off by myself, gambled, took in the sights won another thousand dollars and enjoyed myself. Shithead and the asshole twins just sat in the hotel room for the rest of the trip...even though they had loads of money and had never been in Vegas before. Hell, I would have been happy if they had at least gone to see the hookers like they had promised.

It just goes to show...You can lead a Donkey to Sin City but you can't make him stop being a jackass.

More things that piss me off

The guy who flicks his cigarette out of his car window and sends a shower of embers into the dry grass on the side of the road.

Look idiot.. I know your 1977 Pacer has a freaking ashtray. Use it! Haven't you noticed that it hasn't rained in 4 months? Moron!

The person who flings a huge pile of fast food trash out the window of their brand new Mercedes Coupe while sitting at a traffic light.

I hope you get caught. I pray the cop is really pissed off that day and finds an excuse to tazer your worthless ass. Then I hope the judge puts you on a Texas road cleanup crew in July or August.

I show the lady at the customer service counter at the grocery store the lunchables I just purchased that smell like buzzard vomit. She yawns and drearily asks if I want my money back. I tell her to forget the money and get the rotten food off the fucking shelf before some unsupecting 3 year old dies from food poisoning.

The lady rolls her eyes at me and does nothing. Which makes me find the manager who seems to care just barely more.

I hope these people choke on their germ infested filth or get personally sued for failing to prevent someone from getting sick.

The Chinese Buffet: We walk in and order just as the buffet opens. First thing I notice is all the food is cold. They forgot to turn the buffet warmers on. It takes me about 10 min of arguing with the manager to convince him that their food is cold. Since I'm there for a birthday lunch I stick it out.

The next thing I know I bite into a rangoon and there are legs sticking out of it.
I call the waitress over and she exclaims: "that no bug! that crispy onion!"

I politely counter with "onions are not black with legs" She takes the offending food to the kitchen and comes back with: "ok you no pay..everybody else pay". Never an I'm sorry or anything like that. Mysteriously I lost my appetite at that point.

Plus selling. I know it's your job buddy, but when I say no that doesn't mean keep asking, and don't be retarded about it.

One time I went to pick up some dog food at the convenience store. I put the bag of purina on the counter and the clerk asks "would you like a fountain drink to go with that? I looked him squarely in the eye and said "No thanks. I'm going to eat it later"

I'm at the movie theater, I've spent about 25 bucks on tickets, 15 bucks for a popcorn and cokes.The movie starts and projector is aimed at the wall and there is no sound.

I look around at the 300 or so people around me. Nobody moves or makes a sound and lets the film play on. I finally get up, drag the kids with me and go find a manager. By the time I get back in the film is still without sound and no one has moved from their spot I'm thinking by this point that the world is doomed if people are really this apathetic, cowardly or lazy.

Some people say I encounter an inordinate amount of stupid assholes in my travels.

I'm just lucky I guess.

I'm going to go out on a limb here.

During the LA riots back in 92 some people used the anarchy to burn down Korean, Arab and Indian run stores and shops. Why? Because they were jealous. They weren't mad at the cops or the old white guys running the big corporations, they were mad at people who arrived in the US without a goddamn dime and within two years owned a home and a successful business.

Many Americans do not have the work ethic or gumption to get off their asses and make something of themselves.

I don't give a flying fuck if you are a homeless drifter who writes poetry or plays a banjo... at least you are doing something.

How many people complain about being trapped in an office cubicle or working for the man, being held down and not being able to get a break. Fuck breaks! You have to make your own.

These same bastards are buying 6 dollar coffees each morning, eating an 11 dollar lunch at some shit assed bistro and drinking 40 or 50 dollars worth of overpriced booze at some pickup joint at least three times a week.

Wake the hell up! Take some of that cash and put it toward something useful like an education, your own business or a gun to put in your mouth so I don't have to listen to your mealy mouth "woe is me" bullshit anymore.

Some people insist on living like Paris Hilton by way of credit cards, payday loans and floating hot checks. Then they cry like little babies when they are forced to give blowjobs in the park so they don't lose their 40 inch plasma TV and Caddilac
Escalade.

I'm not going to go into all the fucking sacrifices I've made to survive on my own the last 20 years but I will tell you I had furniture that came from in front of a dumpster ate creamed corn and day old bread sandwiches and drove a 20 year old wrecked car with no AC, radio or brakes. Lets just suffice it to say there were no luxuries but the bills were paid, and all my shit was squared away.

It's about priorities

I frequently have to deal with relatives that want to borrow money from me. I find it really difficult to take them seriously when they walk up to my door with a frappacino, pack of Marlboro's and a bag of Burger King telling me that they can't make their cell phone payment and would I please loan them nine hundred fucking dollars.

Nine hundred dollars for a cell phone bill? Are they fucking insane? I told them to throw the fucker away and get a pre-paid phone if it was really a necessity. I even offered to give them my old phone, all they needed was to buy some minutes.

They got really pissed off and haven't spoken to me in over two years. Good riddance assholes.

It just goes to show that the values in this country have gone down the shitter. People care more about their possessions, trivial luxuries and partying than actually thinking about the future or taking steps to fulfill some lasting legacy... other than a mound of debt and a list of lame excuses.

Pyramid schemes or how to alienate your friends and family

I've been around multi level marketing schemes all my life. People tried to push them on my parents and then later on me.

Many of these are illegal, there has to be some sort of product involved, but the products are mostly just bait for the trap.

Basically, multilevel marketing is a big pyramid scheme. Little guys on the bottom pay their fees to sign up and sell some overpriced crap, then the profits and signup fees trickle upwards.

The goal of the little guy is to get as many suckers as he can to sign up with pie in the sky promises of fabulous riches so he can get off the bottom rung and start milking his own brood of retards.

The spiel works like this..someone says "I'd like to take you to lunch and discuss a great business opportunity." They show the double diamonds, the guys raking in 10 grand a month and pictures of mansions. All this can be yours if you sign here and write me a check for $250 to $1000 depending on how fast you want to move up.

If you do sign up, your "sponsor" will never leave you alone. "Hey I have classes for your success, a steal at $600 I've got these tapes and books for $150, How many people have you signed up" etc.. etc..

One time my mailman asked if I was interested in getting Amway products. Stupidly I said yes and signed up to buy them online. I told him I didn't want to sell I just wanted their soap.

Amway has damn good soap.

This mother fucker would not leave me alone, "where do you want to go with this huh? huh? I told him I wanted fucking toilet paper and soap and to leave me the fuck alone.

The sombitch would not stop. I stopped answering my door and changed my phone number. Finally I canceled my IBO buying account because I was a fresh turd and Amway was a swarm of hungry flies.

My best friend Gary is a sucker for this bullshit, he is also the laziest motherfucker I have ever known. Gary's dad Johnny has done every pyramid scheme on the planet and has bullied Gary into hundreds and thousands of dollars of fees for different scams that usually ended up in front of the Attorney general.

There was an MCI phone card one, one for "cheap" dental plans, one called "Excel" which "slammed" your long distance carriers and gave you a $100 per month long distance bill with no calls made. Amway, the grandaddy of the cock sucking vampire mother fuckers and now its Nu skin.

You know shit rolls downhill and since I'm the only one Gary knows, he tries to sell to me first.

I remind him that every failed MLM (muilti-level marketing) scheme he has ever tried has been illegal or total bullshit....Oh nooo... he assures me this one is legit.

It's like fucking scientology. Stick your hand in this meter and it will tell you that you need to buy my special $100 per month anti oxidant drink blend or you're going to fucking curl up and die like a diseased hamster.

Riggght.

I tell Gary, " That's nice but I do not talk to people, I hate people, how can I sign up people if I don't speak to people and think people suck bloated goat ass?"

Gary retorts with, "Well what about your family?"

"Oh yeah like I want to do business with those crooked broke mother fuckers?" I replied

Gary has been involved with Nu skin for 9 years. "How many people have you signed up Gary?" I asked innocently... Uhhh.. none" he mumbled under his breath...

He begged me to at least look at the products.

OK FUCKING FINE!

My son needed some soap for oily skin. I went online under Gary's selling code and looked up a bar of soap.

TWENTY TWO FUCKING DOLLARS! I about shit a chocolate donkey sideways. Is that for a fucking case of soap? Hmmmm nope... one stinking bar.

Gary called me up and asked, "you buy some stuff yet?"

I let him have it. I told him, "no wonder all those double diamond bitches are millionaires, they sell a 20 cent bar of soap for $22 bucks. Gary stammered "wwweelll it's really good soap."

I told him I don't care if the soap has rare extinct Condor jizz in it, fucking Clearasil is $2.19 at the HEB down the street.

I'm tired of being taken for a sucker.

Pyramids and MLM's are fucking sodding, goddamn, bullshit!

And you can quote me on that.

It's time to grow a set and put on your big boy panties.

What is it with 40 year old children who are still afraid of disappointing their parents?

If by age forty you haven't established yourself as a complete loser fuckup or decently responsible self reliant adult then there is something seriously wrong.

I guess we can call it one foot in the nest syndrome. It must be like a frigging purgatory to be constantly afraid of what your parents might think about everything you say and do.

Worrying about what your parents think might be wise if you are still under their roof and not paying rent. However, If you are an adult, living on your own, married with kids and a job, cut the goddamn apron strings for chrissake!

For example, when I first got married, alcohol at family functions was not allowed. Their house their rules.

After a few years of this, we said screw it and had Christmas at our house complete with full bar. My father in law got drunk as hell and we all laughed and had a good time. My mother in law was aghast and gossiped to the whole family how awful we were.

From that point on, the genie was out of the bottle. Now we can drink at most family functions as long as the beverage is hidden in a plastic cup. It's like a wink wink nudge nudge rule. However don't ever set your cup down or the ever vigilant baptist patrol will dump a cup of single malt down the sink.

When we go see extended family, my wife's cousins are scared shitless of what their 65 year old mother might say if we tell poop and fart jokes over a can of light beer. They go hide behind the dumpster with their cigarettes and Budweiser like a bunch of teenagers.

Are they afraid that they will be grounded or not be allowed to move back home ?

I had to buy all the beer at the last family reunion because everyone was tap dancing around not wanting to be the one to go get it. Believe me, adult refreshment is desperately needed at these get togethers.

I'm not saying that I go to these family functions, get naked and dance with a lampshade on my head.

After the barbecue and the kids go off to bed, What is wrong with a little off color humor and an adult beverage? These are not the pathways to eternal damnation.

I know for a fact that these same people who are deathly afraid of mama seeing them with a beer used to snort coke off dead hookers.

Well maybe not that bad but you get my point.

Nice guys pump gas.

This is what an old southern boy told me once when he saw they way I treated people. He basically meant that people who are kind, tolerant and forgiving never go anywhere in the world and end up marginalized in society.

He was probably right. I've spent most of my life getting stepped on, insulted slighted, humiliated and teased. It usually wasn't worth the fist fight and I knew I wasn't supposed to hit girls and people smaller than me which was pretty much everybody.

So I took it. Even to this day people push me and I take it. To a point...

Everyone has their breaking point. Some people want to take me to my limit. I have no clue why.

They push and push like it's a game to see how far they can go until I lose my cool and end up doing and saying things that are completely out of character for me.

These days, I don't interact with people outside of the blogosphere for the most part. It's just not worth the aggravation.

When I do go out and deal with people in the real world. I calmly and firmly stand my ground.

I don't fear anyone. I've been through enough bullshit to know when it's time to puff out my chest and look someone in the eye and tell them to get ready to eat their teeth.

I have no idea what people have to gain by messing with the gentle giant. Even the most docile of creatures will fight when backed into a corner.

What is there to gain from all this? Why are people such fucking assholes?

I feel a crotchety curmudgeon moment coming on.....

Whats the deal with the un-washed 15 year old boys out there that have never picked up a razor, toothbrush or a frigging bar of soap.

Here is some tough love: You look like shit. You smell worse than shit.

How do you live with yourself? I know not everyone has a great mom who runs the bath water for you and buys those embarassing toiletry items like deodorant and toothpaste. But I will tell you one thing. I have met homeless alcoholics that dressed in clothes made out of roadkill that are cleaner than you.

I know you live in a decent house I've seen you there, I know you have money because I see your cigarettes and $300 skateboard. I've seen your mom driving a Hummer H2 in the neighborhood. Take a fucking bath, wash the Exxon Valdez out of your hair and put on some pants that don't show three quarters of your ass.

Do you know why they call it under-fucking-wear? Because it goes under-your-fucking clothes.

I guess mom and dad are just letting you express yourself through filth, and "unique" skater attire. Here is a hint grease boy, dressing like every other pseudo disaffected loser does not express individuality. It's exactly the same as being an Ambercrombie and Fitch clone but with much more body odor.

I guess it's all part of the same deal. Parent's don't use their veto power or pay enough attention so the kids go out looking for attention anyway they can find it. Pretty sad actually.

I'm sure my parenting skills aren't perfect but I'll be damned if my daughters are going to go out in street hooker attire like I see other girls wearing in public and my son is not going to go leave the house looking like a filthy bum.

How does it work? Where do the kids get filthy punk bum / slut hooker attire/ Does mom buy it? Do they buy the clothes and change in the bushes where the parents can't see them? Is anyone paying attention to what these kids are doing?

Maybe parents these days have let daycare and television raise their children and now due to guilt they can't or won't stand up to or say "no" to their kids.

A really sad state of affairs if you ask me.

I think we need to have roving bands of vigilantes armed with lye soap, scrub brushes and fire hoses. Whenever they catch one of these filthy greasy punks, give them a good scrubdown and send them home to their mommies with a kick in the ass.

There is a time and place for everything

As I mentioned before, I'm not much into sex blogs, I'm kind of reserved in that way. Nudity in movies can be uncomfortable at times depending on who is watching with me.

It's not that I have severe hangups, but if I'm sitting in the living room with my 80 year old grandmother and some movie comes on where people are thrusting, grunting and groaning...well, it just weirds me out.

Most other people I talk to, think I'm crazy in this regard.

I'm not sure where it comes from but nobody else in my family is like this.

I've been married 16 years and I've never peed in front of my wife. She thinks it's weird that I close the bathroom door when it's just her and I in the house.

My parents tell me I was born this way. They always admonished me for being such a prude. It's a safety and comfort thing with me. Kind of like a dog that goes and hides when he has to take a crap.

It's not that I don't appreciate the female form or any of that, but I like that stuff to be kept in the bedroom, no cameras, mirrored ceilings, or audience.. that includes curious dogs that like to stick their cold noses where they don't belong...

Recently, I was in the bathroom reading my American Rifleman magazine that comes with my NRA membership. It's always been a family oriented magazine with articles about all types of new products, shooting competitions, hunting, political wranglings etc... There are articles about teaching kids to hunt and target practice.

I got to the end of the magazine where the manufacturers advertisements are and I saw a full page color advert for a stay hard penis cream..."Stiffyderm" or something like that.

I started reading the advertisement. It had a picture of a dude bending this girl backwards onto a car while ripping her blouse open with her boobs half hanging out.

Then there were the testimonials about, "he's never been harder", and "filled me like never before", "His manhood throbbed inside me." "What would my husband think if he caught me?"

It was a good thing I was sitting on the toilet because I about shit myself.

I've been reading this magazine since I was a kid and have back issues all the way back to 1945 and there has never been shit like this in my last precious bastion of 1950's morality.

It was like seeing Grandma on the cover of crack whore magazine.

.

I got online, found the editors physical address and fired off a couple of letters informing them of my extreme displeasure.

.

I told them my young son reads my gun magazines while sitting on the pot too and who the hell were they to have this "hard cock throbbing inside her" bull shit in my goddamn NRA magazine. If I wanted a frigging porno mag I would buy one.

I didn't hear anything from them until a few weeks ago. The NRA sent me a personal letter stating that they made some changes and I should be happy with the result.

My latest American rifleman showed up and I didn't think much about it. Until I was sitting on the porcelain throne once again and reached back pages... There was the full page "stiffyMcCockenderm" advert again. But this time they just talked about intimacy, satisfaction and a better "experience". The picture had changed to a fully clothed couple that are about to kiss.

Much better.

.

However, I'm paying 750 bucks for a life membership. I would think the NRA wouldn't have to solicit these kinds of advertisers.

Oh well, for once in my life a letter got the desired effect...

.

Take that... You cock cream peddling mother fuckers!

New Mexico the land of Enchantment....yeah right

The family and I recently took a driving trip to New Mexico.

We started at the bottom near Carlsbad and Alamogordo and worked our way north.

We basically stayed at the Hampton inn in each town because we had some free nights coming to us.
The kids got to swim and breakfast was free. Not a bad place.

All these towns are about the same. squat, dusty and pretty boring. Some of the local cuisine is pretty good but unless you are going to a specific attraction there isn't much to do.

Our ultimate goal was Taos because I had driven through about 12 years ago and thought it looked like a cool place to visit for some culture.

Boy was I wrong. The Kit Carson park was full of meth heads, bums and drifters. Dirty squalid little stores and fast food restaurants littered the landscape.

We finally got to the part of Taos that had the touristy shops and art galleries but we were so disgusted by all the pan handlers, and other lowlife hanging out everywhere we decided that this wasn't a place to bring the kids. We kept driving.

I pulled into a parking lot to turn around and was blocked in by a drug deal in progress. This 400 pound dealer kept waving me to drive by him as he and his customer blocked the exit.

We sat far back for a couple minutes, I checked my S&W 642 hoping I wasn't going to have to fight my way out of this hell hole. Finally I saw a place where I could drive through the grass and jump the curb.

I saw several cops in town but they all had people with out of state license plates pulled over. Figured they were too busy making revenue to worry about a park filled with a couple of dozen meth heads waiting for the friday night shipment.

We headed out of Taos rather quickly and stopped for a picnic at the Rio Grand gorge about 30 miles out. It had nice views and a clean set of tables place to sit down.

We drove on to Los Alamos and man was I surpirsed what a nice clean friendly town it was. We stayed there that night and went to the Bradbury museum (not the writer, rather the head of Los Alamos labs after oppenheimer) Pretty cool place with lots of science stuff, Atomic bombs, missiles, geiger counters, plutonium and a film on restoring and rebuilding your 1965 nuclear warhead Lots of fun for the kids.

Granted, the whole place was a government funded nuclear weapon propaganda outfit but hey, I like nukes. Since the whole town is dependent on nuclear research and testing I can't blame them for touting their bread and butter.

Santa Fe was nice with some good food and a 4th of July festival. The fireworks show was also impressive I've never seen that much set off at one time.

Overall, the drive had lots of cool scenery, from sage brush, to buttes, mountains, and lush pine forest.

However, next time I think I'll try camping and fishing instead of stopping in the boring dirty towns.

Word verification is mocking me.

When I first started this blog I began to get comments that didn't make any sense.

"I didn't find what I was looking for but I found cheap Viagra"

"Great blog nice colors, Click here for hot sex"

I decided to put up word verification to quash the spammers. I wasn't getting any real comments but I wanted to make sure the fake ones didn't get through either.

Slowly, people started coming around, reading, commenting and making blogging more than dumping my personal thoughts into a big online chamber pot.

When I started responding to posts I began to realize that the word verification was mocking me.

Not just on my own blog but on others as well.

I would type out a long response and go down to the word verification screen and it would have nothing in it. It was taunting me.

Finally after reloading the page several times I would get a word verification like this "lillilillliil" . Very funny blogger.

After failing to get it right the next one would be "lolpwned". Hmm now I know someone is fucking with me.

I'm not dyslexic and I made double and triple sure I typed "lolpwned" correctly.

It failed once again and aome back with a new one "uracokeater". By this time I'm seriously hoping it's someone at blogger playing games and not the Internet coming to some insane, demonic, artificially intelligent self realization.

It finally let me post with stfulusr.

"sigh" I'm being picked on by a machine....

I finally turned off the word verification on this blog so you guys won't have to deal with the demonic blogger jerk. I'll deal with the trolls and spammers individually.

Lil bastards

My Daughters 7th birthday was today and we had a party at one of those kid pizza places with the giant rat mascot.

I invited everyone in her first grade class, but I don't think number one daughter has many friends due to her speech problems and the cliquish nature of her school mates.

Almost 20 min into the party, I was about to give up on anyone showing but thankfully 3 boys and a girl all arrived around the same time.

To keep everyone happy, I kept the pizza, soda and game tokens flowing freely.

When it came time for the giant rat to come out, dance with the children and lay magical rat pellets on the stage, I went to round up the kids so they could sing happy birthday, eat cake, and open presents.

One little pecker head threw a fit and would not participate when his dad tried to pull him away from the arcade. He sat about 50 feet away and pouted the rest of the time.

I couldn't find one other kid. They had paged everyone to go back to the table 3 times and he was a no show.


When I finally found the kid, he was pouring tokens into some machine that gives prize tickets.

I told him it was time for presents and cake.

Lil bastard " I'm busy, I can't go"

Me:" they are all waiting for you to meet El Raton Carlito and celebrate with your friends."

Lil bastard: " I don't want cake, I'm going to keep playing"

Me: "it would be really nice if you would just go over for a minute"

Lil bastard: "I don't have time"

Me: "time to get off the machine bud"

Lil bastard: "OK one more token and then one more after that"

Me: " No. Move it"

Lil bastard: "No. One more token."

Me: "NOW MOVE IT"

Apparently no adult had ever challenged this insolent little mother pus bucket before and he wasn't used to taking orders from adults.

When the spoiled little fuck face finally picked up his shit to walk over to the party table I noticed this kid's pussy ass, dickless, cockmaster father was standing right next to me the whole time making me deal with his son's bullshit without saying a god damned thing. What a fucking loser!



Luckily, everything else went off without a hitch and my daughter had a great time and perma-grin the rest of the day. They got to dance with the rat and some less than enthusiastic pizza slingers. I feel really sorry for anyone who has to dance with vermin more often than a Tijuana prostitute.

I've got to keep reminding myself, "It's for the children"

Adventures with my Sprint phone!

A couple months back I decided to finally dump Cingular which had been perfectly fine when they were AT&T.
Once they merged or conjoined or whatever, they turned into total crap. No signal, no customer service, no help, until I threaten to leave and cut off my service, then they want to move the moon and stars for me.

Nope, Sorry, Screw you.

So, I went into the Sprint store and picked up a nice Samsung A920 with camera, video and mp3 player. The new girl at the store screws up the paper work so they have to assign me a new phone number. No problem.

A clean start is always good. I had dealt with Sprint before so I knew they were fairly reputable. No sooner do I get my phone outside, when I start getting bill collector calls for an Irene Cardenas. Not just one or two but dozens. After talking to her collection agencies I figure its all straightened out.

But Nooooo.

This Irene was some kind of hootchie mama, skip out on bills, wanted by Dawg the bounty hunter chick. The calls keep rolling in from her one night stands, other hoochies sending drunken slut text messages about having hot crotch, more bill collectors, bail bondsmen, and lawyers.

I should have immediately changed my number, but I got stubborn instead. I returned every call with "Don't know who this bitch is but don't call again"

Soon after, Sprint calls me up trying to collect Irene's overdue cell phone bill. "I told them" hey dudes, look at your records this number is not me. Take me off the list."

They told me they can't stop the collection on my number and don't know how. I went up the ladder and talked to every fucking sombitch at Sprint who told me there is nothing they can do. At that exact moment, Sprint is calling my phone with some automated bill collection system that is asking for Irene's personal info. This information is required to speak to a representative. I don't know Irene's personal goddamn info so the sodding automated system hung up on me before I could get satisfaction or talk to a human.

I finally called the harassment line and some guy from Bombay says:

/Apu / Yes you are getting notice for bill thanks you.

Me: Not my bill. It belongs to the old owner of number.

/Apu/ Yes you are getting calls from bills

Me: Yes please make it stop

/Apu/ Why are you calling harassment?

Me: Cause it won't stop

/Apu/ Ok Billing stop calling on your bill payment

Me: It's not my bill

/Apu/ Thank you come again.

Apu must have accidentally hit the right button because the Sprint calls stopped. Others keep calling. Watch out assholes. It's personal now.