Hammer's guide to bathroom ettiquete
Whether you are in a public restroom, the bathroom at a friend's house or in the one you share with family, there are some things that you should and should not do.
Angering the deity of the porcelain temple is a bad idea, bad karma, bad juju. don't do it.
For those of you who don't know the basic rules or need a refresher, here they are:
1. No talking in the bathroom. Don't talk to the guy at the sink and especially to the person in the stall next to you. Nobody can perform their doody while someone is gabbing away at you..and this goes for cell phones too.
2. On the subject of noise. Grunting and groaning on a stuck turd is not good public restroom manners. If you have to make sounds like you are bench pressing 400Lbs of free weights at gold's gym, then maybe you can save that bowel movement for your home turf. Nobody wants to hear that shit...literally.
3. Some people think they can't help the explosive machine gun diarrhea fart. Maybe they are proud that they can make the bathroom sound like the 4th of July. Here's a trick..spread your butt cheeks a little farther apart. Sometimes your anus needs a little more room to do it's work so it doesn't sound like the battle of Midway.
4. If you piss on the seat wipe it off. Don't leave it for the next guy to sit in, nothing worse than sitting in some stranger's cold piss.
5. If you leave spackle on the back of the bowl or a Klingon stuck to the side, flush again before it hardens into a granite like substance that requires a belt sander to remove. This is mostly for when you use a bathroom in someones house. I can't tell you haw many hours I've spent scrubbing 30 year old half digested meat chunks off the back of my toilet bowl after my mother in law pays a visit to my abode. Don't you think one would be embarrassed to leave a shotgun shit chunk stain in someone else's toilet?
6. Check for toilet paper BEFORE you sit down. Sitting there screaming for toilet paper after you have done the deed will usually fall on deaf ears. Cowboy up, use your socks and learn to check the roll next time.
7 At the sink, if you splash water, wipe it up. I can't tell you how many times I leaned up against the sink and got a big wet spot right at dick level. You can't walk out of a public restroom with a wet crotch, everyone will assume you had an accident. You know how embarrassing it is to have someone walk in when you have your pants off and holding them up in front of that shitty hand dryer? Don't even bother making excuses..no talking rule remember?
8. This should probably go without saying but don't take your lunch and newspaper into the gimp stall at work, eat burger king, and read the wall street journal while taking a leisurely 30 minute dump. Do you really think the guy at the stall next to you wants to smell your Fish sandwich and tartar sauce mixed with a side of butt muffins? Where would someone learn an awful habit like that?
9 To top off the list, here are other things not to do in the restroom stall, No blogging, texting, gabbing, masturbating, singing, jingling keys, laughing or taking pictures with the cell phone.
Hope this list helps you overcome any bad habits you may have inadvertently acquired over the years.
posted by Bill Rowland @ May 22, 2007
50 Comments
50 Comments:
Ahhh, love it.
Re #6 (checking for paper BEFORE doing the deed)
When out in the field, in the spirit of adapt and overcome, upon realizing that no one had on their person a "roll of life" (more likely the misers just wanted to hog it for their own use), some Marines would be forced to cut off the sleeves of their t-shirt. Imagine the look on my face when I realized that I had roughly 32 green skivvy shirts, an inspection in about 10 minutes, and only two of my t-shirts had sleeves.
Now women will always hand over some bum wad or a kleenex if they have it - I suppose because we need it more often and often don't have a choice of stalls when there's a line up - we will even warn the next lady and offer kleenex.
I am fond of the little poem:
If you sprinkle
when you tinkle
Please be neat
And clean the seat
It should be posted on every restroom door.
I would agree with the splashy sink thing except there are not always paper towels - only the dryers. Women are bad for leaving puddles.
Murphy...one more reason the Marines are great.
Jeannie...we women always have kleenex, and everything else the rest of the world doesn't have, when we leave the house. I`ve come to the conclusion that it`s some sort of unwritten law.
Hammer, you do know how to brighten the day!!! My home decorating is nearly complete...the poster of the G.I. a few scrolls down for inside the front door...these rules of bathroon etiquette in place of the mirror over the sink. Some helpful tips for the front of the fridge for the freeloaders, I mean family, who visit each time the weather is nice would be welcome...or a picture of Marvin with a shotgun...whatever you think might help.
One mighty fancy loo in the photo.
Veritas et Fidelis Semper
I didn't know people did such things. You must work with some rude people.
artwork is the thing in public restrooms here usually of a childish scrawl of a dick and thats the womens toilets!
My rule is avoid public bathrooms at all costs! I hate when people use my bathroom, yes even friends...I am very anal retentive/OCD and can not handle nasty bathroom.
The wet sink thing pisses me off too. Also, woman never ever put your purse on the floor, you will pick up shit particles and then transport them to your car, kitchen counter and anywhere else you put your purse.
Okay, I understand a lot of these are probably men's rules, because women gab in the bathroom. It's part of the ritual or something. lol
Also, I always flush the toilet with my foot. There is no telling what is on that fucking flush handle.
What about men who don't shake it off properly and always leave a couple of drips on the floor???!!! That's drives me crazy!!! It's YUK!!!
When I was young, I'd sit on the loo and pretend I was a teacher with the (pretend)students on the floor in front of me - I'd teach a whole class in there!! hahaha!! (at home of course!)
Murphy: that is adaptation at its finest! I've had to use dry grass and leaves before and of course inside out tube socks...
Women have each other's backs in the bathroom it seems. For men it's a battlefield.
Deborah, happy to be of service :)
Carrie: worked with, lived with and related to...
Judith: Oh yeah, bathroom graffiti hasn't evolved since the beginning of time.
Jenny: they are nasty as hell, but sometimes unavoidable. Good tips on the purse. Don't carry one myself...
allie I forgot the foot flushing, good catch and yeah I don't have a lot of experience in the other side's restrooms, You all would probably worry if I wrote a piece about women's bathrooms :)
kb: drips on the floor and drips soaking through their pants. And my you were very imaginiative. That is a funny mental picture.
I am one of those unfortunates that is cursed with the eternal drip. Maybe I should write to Dear Hammer for advice...
Well now in relation to Allie's comment and the fact that you, Hammer have limited experience in the ladies room....well you could try this:
My local neighborhood bar was caught quite off guard the day the minority cross-dresser walked in with his/her friends. He/She kept ordering "Just a glass of water please, would be wonderful" from our homophobic bartender Tom.
Everyone was sucking back their beer and grumbling quietly amongst themselves....until he/she went into the ladies room.
About 10 redneck men were waiting outside the door of the ladies room to confront him/her when he/she came out.
True story. I came out of the ladies room before he/she did and told the rednecks to calm down. All us ladies were indeed safe. The only thing the he/she was checking out in there was our shoes.
He/she was polite and left our little neighborhood bar alive and in one piece that night.
Never saw him/her again.
# 4 is a pet peeve with me in a public restroom. One needs to clean up after themselves.
You know what this post is missing? Euphamisms for the actual act of taking a shit. It's got great descriptive phrases, but that's not the same. I really have kept a record of past ones, and two of my favorites are "dropping the brown kids off at the pool" and "giving birth to my chocolate fire demon death baby". We need more of these.
Lex: Ever see the original saturday night skit about "pene pads"?
marinanne: Dang that takes some balls for a trans to enter the ladies room at a joint like that. It's lucky he.she got to leave with the same number of holes.
lamb: so true!
nyx: Hey I threw in "butt muffins" with a side of tartar sauce. on #8. Not sure where that term came from we used to use it in the old days instead of butt biscuits.
We have a guy at work who puts his dick away long before he finishes...usually a nice big wet spot around the half zipped fly. Saw him take a sandwich into the men's room, then set it down on the ledge of the urinal as he unzipped and took his half piss. Then picked it back up after he covered himself with piss, didn't bother to wash his hands, and walked back out. I'd love to tell you what he does for a living but you'd puke.
Dear JP: If you say that creep's a doctor or the health-care field I will.
That's DISGUSTING!!! and much worse than my once seeing one my female cousins leave the cubicle, in a public restroom, and fix her hair, retouch her makeup, and smooth her dress- --all prior to washing her hands---ugh!
What spawns such people?
Veritas et Fidelis Semper
My freshman year in college, there was this guy who would always talk to his girlfriend while using the bathroom. Not only was it highly creepy, but it was also annoying to hear his voice as you're trying to take care of business.
I ALWAYS make a toilet seatcover of TP before I go, even if I am drunk. So that avoids #4 and 6, because if there is pee on the seat, the TP will detect it!
BTW who has time to check email, send a fax AND make a phone call on the toilet? Much less eat a fish sandwich YUCK!
wow now that's a list. gross but hilarious.
Ferchrissakes! Am I guilty of ALL of these? :) I seriously set a guy off once by answering my phone. That was surreal. I never knew about linguistic constipation. Maybe they should try that as a new torture technique at Gitmo?
JP: I've know people that don't wipe, but putting it away while it's still pissing? that's fucked up. Sandwich on the urinal is as bad as people taking their beer into the bar bathroom.
deborah: These folks were not raised right that's for sure.
Brandon: It's hard to relax, it's like an evolutionary thing where we need silnce while crapping in order to watch for predators.
infini" The last time I used a seat cover I had to peel it off my sweaty ass and part of it ended up in my underwear. I've seen chili, sandwiches and candy bars taken in to the shitter...gross.
snowmanpoop: Very gross. people actually do worse.
stucco: I can't tell you how many turds retreated after a someone started yakking on their phone.
It would be a good torture ;)
I've cleaned public restrooms and I don't like to think what some women do in them.
I swear, they are afraid to sit on something that some stranger has sit on so they stand over it and splatter all over it.
But I've seen that in mens restrooms also. Monkeys are amusing, they won't sit on something someone else has used but they stick their mouths in the most interesting places.
Just saying. Yes, you monkeys are very amusing. I'm going to miss you when you are gone.
Non hand washing people are also a curse. Just the fact that companies have to have signs that say "at [X], all employees must wash their hands before returning to work" makes me flinch, thinking of all the filthy ones who made that sign necessary.
The hand dryer replacing the paper towel roll means I no longer have paper to grab the door handle to leave the bathroom. I wash my hands, then have to touch the handle touched by a day's worth of non washers. Right.
Hammer said, Sandwich on the urinal is as bad as people taking their beer into the bar bathroom. If I had any food on my stomach when I read that, I'd have thrown up at the mental image.
Excellent list. I think we should post this list on all bathrooms, male and female. It's a must.
Note to self: Stop taking lunch into the toilet.
I honestly have never pondered eating lunch in the shitter. I feel so out of touch.
I try to avoid public toilets, even at work. I'm surpriced that people have such rude manners, I thought we had come a little further than "stone-age" manners.
Thank you your sage words Mr hammer! I was doing all of these things - but as my office is the toilet at the moment I guess I could be partly excused.. I have printed out this and suck it on the back of the cubicle door. It seems to be helping..
Here I sit broken hearted
tried to shit but only farted
Please don't be so broken hearted
one day you'll shit when you think you just farted.
The older you get- the more you can't trust a fart!
Butt Muffin- LMAO- that's awesome-
MEAT CHUNKS!!!!! DAMN Hammer- just DAMN--to quote Ron White- "Things that make you go---- wwwwwuhhhhhhhhhh> Damn- I can't get that pic outa my head-friggin meat chunk......
LMAO Big Time! That was some funny sit right there- I mean funny Comic Central funny!
J
Ewwwww yeah!! The drips soaking through their pants thing!! Icky!! I think they are the same people!!!! ;)
Two things I will never do: sit on a public toilet or do the doodie anywhere but at home - makes for some difficult travels cause I totally shut down. okay too much info
Thanks Hammer i needed to smile.
Raaaaaaa. It would give me nightmares if I had to work my arse on the toilet!!!!
This was all amusing, but "butt muffins" made me snicker the most.
Unfortunately, I think that the people who most need to learn etiquette like this don't read the blogs and advice columns. Or they read 'em and fail to realize that they do the very things that are complained about. Perhaps lists like this should be printed out and posted in restrooms? It would be nice to have something to read while in a public toilet.
BBC: I've cleaned bathrooms for 3 different jobs and everyone is a disgusting pig. The grossest thing was the moldy blood all over the bottoms of toilet seats in the womens restrooms.
mts: amen: I cringe when I see people just walk out without at least rinsing. It's putrid
dorky dad: maybe I'll print out a bunch of copies and start posting them.
jerry: and that's a good thing ;)
Kirsten: Stone age is a good comparison. Some humans are filthier than animals
mutley: working out of a bathroom stall has it's advantages but I would hope you get the large stall.
John: yeah meat chunks, looks like chopped brisket mixed with superglue. It's not pretty :P
KB: I ought to market the pene pads.
nomas I've been the same way. once I shut down for 10 days during a business trip. I made bathroom wrath when I got back.
la cremiere: One must seperate their duties and doodies, there can be no other way
Janet: You've convinced me to post these in the most offensive bathrooms :)
"shotgun shit chunk stain".
That is classic!
Why is it that so many women, that I know at least, get so freaked out by the idea that I might want to look at a magazine while I'm pinchin' off my daily loaf?
Bathroom habits/humor are always good blog fodder. Well done.
mike: If you knew my mother in law you would have coined the phrase too ;)
FHB: Reading quietly is cool I'm not sure but women get freaked becuase they think floatie poo germs might get on it.
jack: thanks, they get me through the rough times. ;)
I hate public restrooms with a passion and only go when the situation dire. The guys who don't wash after peeing creep me out. That and the 0.03 second wash afterwards too. How can you wash your hands if the water was on so short a time?
10. No gay sex. Heterosexual sex is OK, as long as you start when nobody else is in the can and you are at least 25% sure that nobody will walk in on you.
The worst is the guy that can hit a bulls eye on a one inch hole but sprays all around a 12 inch hole. boneheads.
Thank goodness mine has a window in it -- that is open most of the time.
When it's too cold out for THAT, there's always a lighted match to help clear the air.
I cleaned quite a few shitters while in Basic, and later in OCS. The cure for bad manners is a turbo hair wash, better known as the swirley. But it needs to be done prior to removing the offenders excrement from the head.
A wing nut and a jar head were in the USo bathroom using the urinals. When he finished, the Marine headed for the door. The Airman called after him " In the Air Force, they teach us to wash when we are done."
Replied the Grunt "all Marines have big enough cocks we don't have to worry about pissing on our hands."
Great list but you have to add "flush the toilet!" People who don't flush make me crazy!
Yay! Brilliant list of potty etiquette! 'specially #4, and it's not just the guys wot am guilty of that one.
jam: same here... people can be gross.
beaj: So true, gives new meaning to banging like a shithouse door ;)
topeka: Swirlys are a punishment that needs to come back. Thanks for the joke!
Dutchess: People actually flush? I don't think I've ever witnessed that :P
plegmmy: I call it spray and pray ;)
it's called "scs" - shy colon syndrome - at least that's what pop says when we bother him on the pot.
Loved the rules and they're gonna get posted everywhere I think I can put 'em up without getting caught! A few notes, however:
#3 is a great idea, but I've known people who could pass a whole watermelon wrapped in an old army blanket and if those people opened up a little farther, they'd fall into their own assholes. But they can somehow still muster up a fart that sounds like a buzzsaw cutting into week-old dead hog. These same people are also the ones who are the worst offenders for #5 because unfortunately shotgun shit is the only thing they can do. They could stand on top of the middle of a dumpster to take a shit and hit all four sides at once.
And yes, women talk and pass paper and such and most of us do the karate kick flush, so things are a little different in the women's room. (Very few urinals there, for instance.) A bunch of women have mastered the "seat hover sqaut", too, to avoid the consequences of #4. Ask a woman you know to demonstrate.
nanc: lol I wish pop would teach that some folks I know.
jami: ROFL!!! Yeah you got that right. Explosive WMD shit is all they know. I've hovered in stomach flu emergencies myself it's pays to do those squats in case you ever need those muscles.
You forgot the primary restroom rule: FLUSH WHEN YOU'RE DONE! Even if all you did was fart, flush it! You might be proud of what you've made, but trust me, no one else will admire it nearly as much as you do. Get rid of it.
This reminds me of a public bathroom I was in the other day. I in one stall and a woman came in to another stall. I listened in amazement as the crazy chick's cell phone started to ring and I thought "she won't answer." but yep, she did. Sitting right there taking a wizzzzz she answered the stinking phone. I thought about telling her to removed the phone out of her twat for a moment but decided against it.
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