Happy Friday

I went out to my dad's house yesterday. He just got home from having knee replacement surgery. He said the VA doctors were great but the nurses were surly and inattentive. I'm sure spending ten days under their care was enough.

He has to have the other knee done in three months then he will be able to walk again.

They tried everything to avoid replacement but the VA finally broke down and approved the operation.

He's out there by himself, which is bad because he can't move much, but also good because his wife is a crazy blithering nut bag that makes his life a living hell. The more she stays gone the less Prozac dad has to take.

I'll probably be out there quite a bit in the next few weeks to help out while he recovers.

I took some pictures while I was out there. He's got the makings of a zoo roaming the property.



This is Jack, He's an attention hog and loves the camera. He got in my face and demanded I pet him and take his picture.

This is Charlie. His favorite past time is rolling in mud and looking pitiful

Pancho is a teacup Chihuhua. He thinks he's a great dane and has an attitude to match.

This fella wandered up to check me out. I have no idea what his name is or where he came from.

The Doberman's name is Roxy, she is about the coolest dog I've ever met. She smiles on command, has her own bed, TV and bedroom and earns her keep by keeping all the other animals in line. The german shepard belongs to the people next door.

Volunteer firefighters saved my dad's ass

This happened to my dad recently.

Here is a link to a video of the rescue: VIDEO HERE

A donkey weighing more than 500 pounds was rescued by firefighters after it fell into a septic tank near San Antonio, Texas Monday afternoon. The entire rescue was caught on tape by a photographer at NBC affiliate WOAI.

The donkey, named Jenny, fell into the septic tank and it took firefighters nearly two hours to get her to safety.

"She probably just fell in there by accident or just flipped the lid over or something,"the owner said.

Sandy Oaks and Somerset fire departments were called in for the rescue. Edward Dugosh was one of their shortest and smallest firefighters on the scene. He was sent in the septic tank. "(It's a) nasty hole, smells horrible," Dugosh said. "It's just the worst environment imaginable."

Dugosh, a firefighter with Somerset, was able to get a harness around Jenny. Firefighters then pulled the animal to the surface. "We're fortunate we have the equipment to do high angle rescues and confined space rescues," Sandy Oaks Fire Chief Charles Metzger said. The donkey was unhurt.

More videos and stuff

A couple of nice folks asked if there was one place they could go back and look at my current and past videos.

I just created a you tube page for that very purpose. You can view it here.

I'll be taking a couple days off from blogging so I can attend to some projects that need completing.

I'll check back in with everyone on Friday.

Have a good week!

Back to the funnies...

I captioned all these but two, So if you don't think some are funny
they are probably those.

Hammer's 29th enjoy!

Finally learning.

I've found throughout my life that no good deed goes unpunished. If I ever try to help out a friend in trouble I end up getting screwed sans lube.

The time my best friend needed cash to excercise his stock options before he lost them, I lent him the money with the promise that when he sold them I would get a percentage. The company called back a month later and said they need $28,000 in tax payments for the capital gains or we had to surrender the stock certificates...

...

The time I gave one of my first girlfriends $300 so she could go on a vacation with all her female co-workers..she came back with a new boyfriend.

...

The time one of my co-workers was going to lose her job and custody of her kid because she had no car. I went and found an old car for $250, tuned it up, got it running good and told her to pay me $50 per week.

.

The next week she I noticed that she was dropped off at work, I ask her if the car broke down. She said she had been parking the car at the grocery store down the street because she didn't want her ex husband asking questions. The car was towed away...She hadn't transfered the title and had lost the receipt so the car was gone.

....

I think I've finally figured it out...

...

This sick and self destructive need to do nice things wasn't going away, so I've started doing the hit and run method. People that I will never see again and who cannot make me miserable with their stupidity will be the only ones to recieve good deeds.

Things like, letting people go in front of me in line when they look like they need it.

...

Stopping to change a flat for an old lady.

...

Mowing the yard for the neighbor with the broken leg without telling him.

...

Finding lost dogs and returning the little ankle biting pieces of shit to their homes...

.

So far so good. If I get a thank you, thats even better.

Usually, I get more out being kind to people than they get from me. If that makes any sense.

This speaks for itself

I'm not a big fan of Bush, He spends too much, takes civil liberties for granted while fighting the war on terror, and doesn't hold to the conservative ideal of small government and fiscal responsibility.

People say he's stupid. A score of 1380 on the SAT and successfully completing flight training school are not accomplished by idiots.

Does he sound goofy? Yes. I have no answer for that.

Dodging the Vietnam war: Bush actually volunteered for Vietnam, but the F102 he was trained on was considered obsolete and his request was refused.

As a person, I think he is pretty decent. Here is an incident that didn't get enough news coverage:

SANTIAGO, Chile — President Bush broke up a fight last night between his lead Secret Service agent and a Chilean security detail, pulling the agent through a wall of men trying to bar his bodyguard's access to a state dinner.

Mr. Bush and first lady Laura Bush arrived at 8 p.m. local time yesterday at the Estacion Mapocho Cultural Center for the official dinner of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit.

After the first couple posed for photos with Chilean President Ricardo Lagos and his wife, the four entered the doorway with a line of Chilean security guards and uniformed police closing quickly behind him.

The president's lead agent approached the line of men as quickly as it closed and demanded to be allowed through. Within a few seconds, the confrontation began to escalate with voices being raised and shoving in all directions. "You're not stopping me! You're not stopping me!" yelled the agent, as captured by several television cameras. "I'm with the president."

During the fracas, another Secret Service agent was roughly pulled from the tumult and pushed against a concrete wall by Chilean security. A few seconds later, after posing for yet more pictures about 15 feet inside the doorway, Mr. Bush and the rest of the party turned to enter the dining room. But the president quickly turned his head to the growing din just outside. Mr. Bush calmly turned right as the other three continued on and inserted himself into the fight.

The president reached over two rows of Chilean security guards, grabbed his lead agent by the shoulder of his suit jacket and began to pull. The tape of the incident, viewed by reporters last night, could not pick up any words the president might have been saying as he worked to get the agent through the line.

A few Chilean guards turned their heads and noticed that the arm draped over their shoulders was that of the president, and the line softened. Mr. Bush pulled his agent through, who was heard to say, "Get your hands off me" as he passed roughly through the doorway. Mr. Bush then adjusted his shirt cuff and said something to the first dignitary he passed as a grin crossed his face.

Here is the rest of the article and a video of the incident

It seems the Chilean guards were pissed that the president was using his own secret service protection and they decided to take a stand at the perceived insult.

Do you think Gore, Kerry, Clinton or anyone else would jump into a fracas to rescue a secret service agent?

Here is something else I found interesting:

According to Gary Aldrich, Former FBI agent in charge of White House Security screening, Chelsea Clinton referred to the Secret Service agents who guard the President as “Trained Pigs”. When one of the agents explained to her that they were there to protect her and her parents, would give their lives to do so, and that it was inappropriate to call them that, she shrugged her shoulders and said “That’s what my parents call them.” This speaks volumes in the difference between President Bush and ex-President Clinton.

There are plenty of bad things you can say about the commander in chief, but stupid, cowardly and disloyal are not among them.

More on shopping.

Don't ever go into the grocery store and buy one cucumber. Trust me.

I was doing my grocery shopping late one night and a lady ran down the isle wearing nothing but a long pink Winnie the Poo sleeping shirt with a couple of well placed wet spots. She grabbed one of those plastic bears filled with honey and sprinted to the express lane.... Duh! like I couldn't figure out she had a 3AM culinary emergency...

Ever stand in line behind the little blue haired lady who must fill out her check registry and balance her checkbook before she hands the check to the cashier?

It's especially frustrating when she brings out the calligraphy set and the abacus.

This ever happen to you? You walk INTO a store and the security alarm sensors go off and they want to search you... Yeah smart guy I'm bringing back a stack of security tags from all the stuff I've stolen.

Speaking of crooks, Once, I was doing the weekly food shopping, when a girl of about 19 and her friend dumped a bottle of apple juice on the floor right in front of me. One girl sat down in it and started screaming while the other ran off and hid the juice. I told the manager. They called the girl an ambulance and asked me to fill out a statement right in front of the her...damn if looks could kill.

I would have minded my own business if they had had the slightest bit of creativity
or panache. Frigging Amateurs.

I like going up to those people who give out free samples at the grocery store, taking a bite, spitting it not my napkin and yelling "holy shit lady! Are you trying to poison me?"

Its fun walking up to a store employee with a bottle of massengil douche and asking "Does this stuff really work?"

I always win the Pepsi challenge and pick the opposite of what they are selling. They fucking hate me for it. They call me that annoying dude who still has working taste buds.

Shopping is so boring, why not make it fun?

I shouldn't get on this bandwagon

I couldn't help captioning these things...

And we have a winner...

Sitemeter registered Drew from: Random Ramblings of a Republitarian as my 50,000th visitor: He's a talented writer with a knack for cutting through the bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter. Go check him out.

And now for something completely different

Hammer's 28th.... Enjoy!

Milestone?

Thanks to you guys, I'm about 140 clicks away from 50K hits.

I set up site meter so it doesn't register my own clicks and only counts one unique visit every 6 hours, so it's taken me a while to get here.

I'd say about 30% of my hits are people looking for recipes (who almost never end up staying for more than 3 seconds) 10% are Perverts that stumble upon my colorful euphemisms, 10% are people looking for hammers, and the other 50% are nice folks like yourselves. The other 10% failed math.

When I find out who Mr or Mrs 50,000 is, they get to choose one of the following:

1. They can ask me to write a post about pretty much anything of their choosing.

2. I'll answer interview questions (A first for hammer!)

3. Get a special side bar mention with a link to their blog or favorite charity.

I know it's not much of a prize, but I'm a cheap bastard saving up the good one for 100K.

This reminds me of a story.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I love bowling. I don't go as often as I used to, but if I can get out on a Saturday night and roll a few games, I'm happy.

One night, I was out by myself, throwing a pretty good game when all of the sudden everything went dark except for a few rows of black lights.

The Bowling alley was doing their cosmic bowling thing.They had fluorescent decorations everywhere and pins that glowed under the special lighting.

I thought what the hell...they probably just screwed up a 260 game for me.. I decided to take break, sit down and finish my beer. A bunch of teenagers were filling up the lanes around me. They looked dirty and unkempt, even though it was obvious they had money. Grunge fashion was still hanging on because it was so easy to pull off. Don't bathe, wash, or comb your hair, wear a ratty T-shirt and jeans that look like were stolen off of a dead wino. Real classy.

All of the sudden, I involuntarily spit a mouthful of beer in a 5 foot radius and started choking.

Once my eyes had adjusted to the new light, I noticed that there were many , hands, faces and articles of clothing glowing brighter than most of the bowling pins. One girl finally realized what was going on and ran to the bathroom at a full sprint. The guys just sat there looking clueless while picking at the glowing stuff on the front of their jeans.

Apparently, they didn't realize that the genetic material they were slurping on and splashing on each other a little while earlier would be so unforgiving under the black lights.

Be careful when you shake someones hand, you never know what you're going to get.

This video reminded me of that story.

Hat tip to grouchy old cripple:

I hate flying

I haven't had very many good experiences on airplanes in the last 20 years or so.

I wrote about one particularly bad one here .

There always seems to be something wrong, disgusting or annoying going on, either at the gate or on the plane. Customer service has gone to shit and the regulations are about as useful as Lindsay Lohan's rehab clinic.

Here are some of examples of what I'm talking about:

One time, while going through the airport metal detector, I had my medication in my hand. Security stopped me and asked what I was doing. I told them that my doctor warned me not to put my medicine through the X-ray, machine and I didn't trust putting it in the tray with my keys where someone could grab it.

The security person said he KNEW that my medicine could go through the X-Ray and my doctor was wrong...I asked him if he had a medical degree.. "Umm no..." was his reply, so I asked why I should I believe him over someone who went to medical school for 8 years and had been practicing for 30...he harrumphed and warned me to put it in through machine next time or else...

Every time I fly, someone feels the need to fully recline their chair into me. People are worthless, selfish fucks and I hate a good many of them with every fiber of my being. If we had to escape in an emergency, I would take pleasure in helping the bastard down the inflatable slide with my boot.

I always feel like someones bitch when I'm on an airplane. It never fails, some kid is kicking the shit out of my chair from the back, some cock master is smashing me from the front, and the humongous line backer next to me is spilling his hairy carcass over the arm rest and into my personal space. God forbid, if I'm stuck in the middle seat, there is always some dumb fuck spilling his drink on me or trying to read my magazine over my shoulder. I cannot get a fucking break.

Whenever I can, I ride backwards on the emergency row so I can have some leg room. It's worth it to check in early to get these seats. I don't give a fuck if I have to open the hatch and help people in an emergency, I know I could do it. Some other clueless fuck would probably faint and shit his pants at the first sign of trouble, ensuring our fiery doom

On one flight, I was in the emergency row, enjoying some modicum of comfort when the fellow across from me, fell asleep and began farting uncontrollably, Brrrap! Brapp! pop pop pop Brappp! KAPOW!

The stench reminded me of the time I visited the refinery/sulphur processing plant that was situated next to a pig farm/rendering plant. The man's poor wife was mortified and kept jabbing him in the ribs saying "wake up you disgusting bastard!" Each time she elbowed him it compressed his belly which made more gas come out. I finally told her, "it's fine I'm alright" I was afraid she would keep squeezing the wind out of this asshole and end up killing us all with the toxic fumes.

Did I mention that I hate flying?

More questions

What parent lets their teenage daughter leave the house with a shirt that says, "slut" "easy" or "Porn star" across the front?

Why are we subjected to so many genital herpes, erectile dysfunction, penis enhancement and premature ejaculation commericals these days? Did all standards for advertising get left by the wayside? I'm just waiting for the school nurse to call me when my kids go in complaining of "E D"

What the hell is a reverse mortgage? Is that when after 30 years of getting screwed by a bank they decide to try a new orifice?

Why don't those liquor advertisements show what real professional drinkers and bar flies are like?

Why does everyone have such a hard on for Michael Vick when Peta was recently caught taking 40,000 dogs that they promised to put up for adoption, killing them and leaving them in restaurant dumpsters even though they had donations earmarked for caring for and finding homes for these animals.

If they don't want kids drinking household cleaning products, why are they flavored with lemon lime and orange?

Why is it considered hilarious when a man gets his testicles kicked, punched, hit with a baseball, stepped on by a horse etc..? I don't know of any other body part that gets laughs when similarly treated.

Why do we pay to go to a zoo when we can see the exact same behavior at Walmart for free?

Easy spring rolls

I like a good spring roll, but since I'm not a carnivore, it's hard to get one that's not full of pork or whatever.

So one day I learned to make my own.

This recipe will make about 12 large rolls.

Ingredients:

1 package of won ton wrappers, usually found in the freezer or ethnic section

1 Egg

1/2 head of cabbage

1/2 onion

1/2 cup cilantro

1 shredded carrot

1 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

You can also add cooked chicken, pork or even bits of cooked and drained ground beef.

Thaw wrappers on the counter or overnight in the refrigerator, don't open until you are ready to use them or they will dry out .

Put all ingredients (except egg) into a food processor or mince them on a cutting board.

Heat a quart of vegetable oil to 375F. A Fryer or other similar contraption helps.

(I always put the pot of oil on the back burner with the handle facing away. Just to be extra safe.)

Beat the egg in a small bowl

The trick to this is folding the spring roll.

Place the wrapper on the work surface with one corner facing you

Using a basting brush, paint the egg mixture around the edges of the wrapper .

Place a heaping tablespoon of the filling in the exact middle.

Bring the corner closest to you up and over the filling a little past half way and press it down allowing the egg glue to hold it on place.

Take the side edges and fold them in until they are squared up. Again, the egg glue will hold them in place.

At this point, it will start to look like a spring roll. Take the part with the filling and continue to fold and roll it away from you until reach the opposite corner.

You can paint the seams with egg wash to make sure they are good and sealed.

It just takes a couple of tries to get the hang of it.

Carefully lower the spring rolls into the hot oil using tongs or a slotted spoon.

You will know when they are done when they turn golden brown.

The best way to know when a fried item is done, is to look for steam. Once the steam stops, it's time to remove the food from the oil.

Drain the rolls on a wire rack or paper towel and let them cool.

Serve with spicy mustard, soy sauce or whatever suits you.

I like mine with sriracha.

After a long hiatus...

A new video! Hammer's 27th

Note: This is not a political endorsement, Quite the opposite!

Monday

I had a fancy "how to" post I was working on, but blogger is not cooperating with the pictures I took. So I'll come back to that later.

The kids start school in one week. I'm going to miss them, but it will give me a chance to get some projects done. I've also got a huge backlog of Robert Heinlein and John Scalzi books I haven't read yet.

The boy gets new glasses today, the wife doesn't trust me to pick out the frames so she's taking him to the appointment. I don't see what's wrong with the black plastic ones....just kidding.

I want to get back into taking pictures, I was having fun with it earlier this year, I've also got some ideas for photo shop as well.

Here is one I took last night for one of my projects

I think I've got the blog feeds problem licked. I didn't realize until now that I'm up to reading about 179 or so. I don't always have something witty to say, but rest assured if you're on my side bar I'm at least lurking.

If you're not on my side bar links, send me a message and I'll get it fixed right away.

I also wanted to say thanks to all you folks who stop in and read the silly crap that comes out of my keyboard.

Cheers!

Update: I was inspired by flyinfox's post this morning and came up with this:

Tossed away.

As a kid, I was always taking things apart. Before I threw any broken device away, I would disassemble it and see what made it tick. Sometimes I took things apart before they were broken and ended up tinkering with them until they were defunct.

Sadly, these days most things are glued shut or pressed together with invisible clips and pins making home repairs near impossible. I'm sure it's to make these items easier to manufacture and more disposable.

Whoever hears of getting a TV or radio repaired anymore?

I still catch myself trying to repair things myself, but suffice it to say, if it's even possible to find and order the right parts, it's often more expensive than just buying a new appliance.

I remember a color TV used to last about 10 to 12 years, A washer, dryer or Fridge about 15 to 20 years and everything else somewhere in between. If something broke, a repairman would come out and fix it for about $40.

I guess with all the cheap stuff coming from overseas these days, things just get hauled to the dump at the first sign of trouble.

It's still difficult for me to let go of an old toaster that only toasts one side, a TV that only shows in green or a radio that only picks up one station.

It just seems so damn wasteful, but this is progress. I think...

Sweet 16

The wife and I just celebrated out 16th wedding anniversary last night. We both have been keeping odd hours and despite being exhausted, we went out and had a nice dinner and some wine at an Italian place. She had the Shrimp Paesano and I had mushroom ravioli. The best part was the appetizer, home made potato chips served hot, covered in gorgonzola and accomapnied by a hot garlic cheese cream dip.

We talked about her new job, and did some catching up, due to fact thay she had been gone most of this month. It was a nice evening.

Last year I wrote a post about our strange courtship. Here it is, if you haven't read it:

Strange Courtship

Blog problems

My blog feeds bit the dust again. I'm going to have to try some other program for tracking all the blogs I read.

Sorry if I haven't commented in a couple days, this damn thing is only showing about 20% of the new posts.

I don't understand why it only breaks part way. It always takes me a while to figure out why new posts aren't showing up for certain blogs.

Technology is a love hate thing with me.

Once I get this thing fixed I'll make the rounds and see what you all have been up to.

Update: I've added about 70 blogs to my side bar links. I tried to get everyone but If I missed you please let me know.


Here's a quick funny:

Red rocket red rocket

My Chi-Poo is in heat.

I'll confess, I never knew what her breed was called until I just looked it up.

Chihuahua and a poodle. I would have called it a Choodle but it seems a chow fucked a poodle first and the chihuahua got sloppy seconds. I figure that makes sense in some twisted way.

The dog's name is Chula, I don't know what her name means but that's what was on the tag so she's stuck with it. I've also got a Miniature Dachshund named Marvin.

Neither are fixed and I was half hoping for them to hit it off and make some French, Mexican, German hybrids. I could have dogs that could cross rivers, act surly and invade Poland.

Sadly, Chula will have nothing to do with Marvin. Try as he might, his legs are a little too short and his foreplay skills consist of heavy begging mixed with incessant barking.

He just trots around in circles, his smeg covered red rocket hanging out of it's holster with absolutely no idea what he's supposed to do.

It's a pathetic display, an embarrassment to horn dogs everywhere.

.

After a while, Chula gets tired of Marvin's wooing and goes inside the doghouse.

.

They usually share accommodations, however early this morning, fed up, she pushed the bed up against the opening, effectively locking Marvin out of his own home.

This is when Marvin went totally ape shit, especially today because of the heavy rain.

He was locked out, cold, wet, horny and pissed.

He started to squeal and throw the canine version of a hissy fit.

I had to get out of bed and see what I could do to reconcile this mismatched pair and get them to shut the fuck up.

I moved the door blockade, and when he tried to enter, Chula bit his nose causing more yelping and squealing.

.

By this time everyone in the house is awake, it's 4:00AM and I'm outside wrangling these feuding little fuckers.

Marvin has finally worn himself out and is quiet at the moment.

Little bastard is just like a human, letting his raging red rocket run his life with no regard to the consequences..

Things I wonder about

Sometimes I wonder about things. Some of them are unimportant but I'm curious nevertheless.

Have you ever wondered....

A magazine like Car and Driver or Popular mechanics does a review of a car, truck or power tool and they say things like It's a great value and we had no problems other than 3 weeks in the shop and a blown engine. Then a few pages later there is a 5 page fold out advertisement for the product they just reviewed....How is anyone supposed to take them seriously?

If Diet soda is so diet how come Diet Cherry Coke and Diet Cherry 7UP contain concentrated cherry juice but still be labeled zero calories and zero carbs?

Why does a $100,000 home end up costing $350,000 over the course of a 30 year mortgage but a $100,000 Mercedes only ends up costing $116,000 even though the car loan is a much bigger risk?

How can Al Gore admonish us about the environment but still have a fleet of SUVs, spend $40,000 a year for his homes electricity and refuse to participate in the community recycling program he started?

Why do pet food companies always feel the need tout the tastiness of their food when dogs and cats regularly lick their own assholes and - or eat any and all rotten garbage they can get their paws on?

Why is it that news reports have a big picture of a gun in the background of a story about a person murdered with a baseball bat?

How can all these cosmetics companies say their lotions and balms moisturize the skin when the first ingredient is Alcohol?

How can the gas pump at my local station put 17 gallons in a 15 gallon fuel tank that is registering almost 1/4 on the gauge? Is it magic? Negative space? Dark matter?

Why is insulating foam falling off and knocking holes in the space shuttle every time they launch despite the fact that we went 20 years with no foam problems whatsoever?

Why is it more of a crime for a murderer to kill someone because of their skin color or sexual preference than during a robbery or drive by?

Why does my hotmail mailbox treat every email I get from another hotmail address as dangerous spam?

Why is it when a police officer shoots a criminal, he gets put on administrative duty for a week or so but if a citizen shoots a mugger or carjacker they have to spend $50,000 in legal fees to fight manslaughter or murder charges?

Maybe I wonder about things too much....

This and that

The wife is gone for another week, she has to be in El Paso for a surprise inspection of a facility she's in charge of. It kind of sucks but I'm just glad the kids are being good. I've gone 4 days without cleaning crayon off the walls, breaking up fist fights and dodging thrown toys. I'm fucking ecstatic.

I took the kids to see the Simpsons, kind of preachy, had some funny parts, but they kind of lost me after the first 20 min. Still, it was more entertaining than sitting at home listening to temper tantrums.

I tried to take the kids out for pizza but they insisted on TV dinners instead, I don't know what's possessing them, but I ain't going to rock the boat.

I've been "hermitizing" myself for the last few weeks. It has got to the point where my in laws were showing up unannounced and ringing the goddamn doorbell 50 times and would not leave until I opened the door.

They were just stopping by to bother me I suppose. I'm a lot nicer to them then their daughter is, but they can still tell I am not overly enthused with their unexpected company.

I'm not answering the phone either. Seems lately someone is always wanting something from me and I don't feel like I have much of me to spare. The giving tree is barren. So all the fair weather friends, moochers and tagalongs in my life can suck my balls.

My fucking brother in law, hasn't bothered to stop by and see his nieces and nephews or his sister in almost a year. He lives and works 10 min away. It seems he has been going over and hanging with my estranged sister in law who is handing out money and big ticket gifts to buy his and everyone elses loyalty.

I've done so much for that guy, bailed him out, fixed his car twice, paid his bills, and he just drops us like a wet rancid turd.

All of the sudden yesterday, he calls out of the blue, and I let the machine pick it up:

"Hey man I just got back from Disney World and I need you to come pick me up at the airport"

I didn't even answer... He left 5 messages. He has no shame whatsoever.

Fuck him...I'm done. The whole lot of them are a bunch of users and losers.

In the very few times I have ever called for a favor the answer was always no or a lame excuse of some sort.

Maybe I'm finally getting smart enough to return the favor.

Double memed

I got hit with the 8 random things by sornie and the glass meme by Terri

Here goes:

1. I only wear black socks or none at all. I don't know how it got started but I got tired of never having a matching pair.

2. On my office wall I have several Frazetta prints, Posters from Jimi Hendrix are you experienced , Spongebob , Guns and ammo , Banana splits and Free enterprise.

3. I'm an NRA life member even though they are too concillatory and weak willed for my tastes.

4. Outside of a housefly or cockroach I've never killed anything

5. I collect ash trays even though I don't smoke

6. I have to sleep with the TV on otherwise my tinnitus keeps me awake.

7. I'm a fan of the 1960's and I like to read old books, newspapers, and magazines, from that period.

8. I'd rather not know about a celebrities political beliefs because if I do, I usually end up boycotting them.

Glass meme

How full is your glass? Mostly full

What kind of glass is it? Beer Stein

What’s in the glass? Lambic ale

Reasons for #1, #2 and #3.

I'm a fairly optomistic person.

I like steins because they reperesent something solid heavy and dependable.

The Lambic ale because it's the drink of the common man with a unique personality twist .

Anyone who wants to tag themselves, feel free, I'd like to see your answers.

Scatter shots

I haven't been out of the house much, but we went to an Asian restaurant the other night. It was pretty good but if you had one you had em all.

The waitress kept getting upset at us because we weren't sharing our plates family style or eating our steamed rice. I mean shit, they gave us enough to choke a horse. It was funny in retrospect, but the lady was kind of a control freak and insisted on putting 5 pounds of rice in a to go container. Next time I'll tell em to stick the rice up their ass.

Had a headache yesterday, was supposed to go to a little kids birthday at my nephews house. I decided to stay home and sleep it off. Turns out the mother of the birthday kid bought a meat baster full of sperm on Ebay seven years ago and impregnated herself with it.

How do you stick something like that in a memory box....here's daddy SirSquirtsalot69@hotmail.com

And who the fuck bops their baloney into meat basters all day and auctions them on Ebay?

I'm pretty open minded, but bidding on some random dude's online jizmoglobin crosses all kinds of boundaries.

I'm glad I stayed home, I felt better after a nap so I mowed the grass before the yard Nazis with their micrometers could come out and cite me for an unkempt yard.

Just as I was about to reach my breaking point last week youngest daughter gave up the fight and has been pretty good the last few days. Come to think of it, compared to other kids in the neighborhood and their schoolmates, I think I'm pretty damn lucky to have such well behaved kids...in public at least.

Multi layer dip

1 can of refried beans

12 oz of grated cheddar cheese

2 tomatoes diced

1/2 white onion finely chopped

3 avocados coarsely chopped

3 or 4 seeded and diced peppers of your choice

1 small can of sliced black olives

8oz sour cream

2 tsp paprika

2 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp cumin

1/4 tsp salt

Mix the refried beans with 1/4 cup of water and 1 tsp of paprika 1 tsp garlic powder and the 1/2 tsp cumin. Stir well.

Chop the avocados adding the rest of the paprika, garlic powder and salt

In a large shallow caserole dish layer the beans on bottom, then the avocado mixture, then add half of the cheddar cheese, a layer of sour cream then the remainder of the cheese, the tomatoes, peppers, olives and onions over the top.

Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least an hour.

This can be served with tortilla chips or just as a side dish

Annoying stuff

Cross walks:

Why is it when I push the button to cross the street, it takes 5 minutes for the walk sign to light up? Then, once I'm about 5 feet out into the intersection, it changes to "don't walk" and all of the sudden cars are trying to drive up my ass with drivers honking and shooting me the finger. It's ridiculous. I don't know of anyone who can cross 4 lanes of traffic in 2.8 seconds that isn't being chased by a pack of rabid pit bulls.

Menus in restaurants:

Who names the shit on menus at these chain bistro places? "I'll have the chicken fru fru with the mango poopsie sauce." What the fuck? Who in the hell would order something called Chef Pablo's famous foot long wiener? And I hate the word "Veggies". If I ask what the vegetable of the day is, I'm always corrected.."Oh you mean the veggies, the veggie plate or the mixed veggies" ARGGGH! I'm beginning to think a lisp is required to order some freaking green beans.

Iced tea:

Am I the only one who notices that many places serve spoiled rank iced tea that tastes like it's been run through a pair of dirty socks? I've taken a sip of tea before that was so soured I had to spit it into my napkin. I looked to see if anyone else noticed the foul flavor. Surprisingly, everyone else is guzzling the disgusting mop water like there's no tomorrow. When I complained to the waitress, she acts like I'm a whiny pain in the ass because I'm the only one griping about the sewage they are passing off as a beverage.

Special employees:

I think it's great that places hire the mentally handicapped to work part time. I have no problem with it. It's great that they are learning skills, gaining independence and self confidence.

However, one time my son and I went for a late lunch at Mr Gattis pizza buffet.We were sitting in the cartoon room watching Spongebob and eating our pizza, when a couple of mentally handicapped young men came in and started busing the tables. One was tall and skinny and the other was short and fat. They were acting especially agitated and aggressive for some reason.

All of the sudden, The fat kid jumped on top of the skinny ones back and the next thing you know, they are rolling around on the tables, flinging potato salad, throwing trays of old food, and just generally beating the shit out of each other. The fat one then proceeds to grab the skinny guy by the crotch and starts trying to bite his testicles. Even with all the screaming and commotion nobody came in to see what was the matter.

My son and I were staring at this train wreck and I'm wondering what my next move should be.

We were the only ones in there, so I went and got a manager, she walked in and grabbed them by the ears and started screaming that this was the third time this week and she was calling their mothers. The guys then started to blubber and plead in unison "no please don't call my mommy!"

I'm thinking, what the fuck? Am I on candid camera? Where is Alan Funt? More importantly where the hell is my apology and free pizza coupons?

Sometimes I feel like weird annoying stuff like this only happens to me.

Goings on

The other night my son came up to me distressed, saying the wire on his braces was cutting into the side of his mouth.

I looked inside and couldn't see much but he was obviously in great pain so I tried to pull the wire out with my fingers. It wouldn't budge. It was tied in with very small rubber bands and hooked to the brackets on his teeth.

So I broke out the Swiss army knife, unfolded the mini scissor accessory and clipped all the bands. Still the wire wouldn't move and the boy was getting more and more upset as the wire dug deeper into his cheek.

I unfolded the pliers out of the Swiss army tool and started yanking the wire. Both sides were out but still attached in the middle and the wire was laying across his cheeks like some weird sci-fi experiment.

He said that's fine, it feels better now.

There was no way I was going to let him walk around for two days with a piece of 24 gauge stainless wire hanging out of his pie hole.

I unfolded the wire cutter function and snipped both sides and was able to pull the remaining middle piece out the side, breaking the bracket off his front tooth in the process.

Well at least he felt better.

His appointment was the next day, so I went took him in and they fixed up all my handy work.

Expecting to pay the normal amount, I was surprised to see my Swiss army Orthodontics cost me an extra $104. Well shit... the boy was in pain, the office was closed, what the fuck else am I supposed to do?

The wife got back from her school, a star student. Don't know why she never believes me when I tell her she is smarter than every other dumbass she works with.

She's now knows how to de-ice planes, marshall them in, empty the toilets, fuel the jets, use all the loading equipment, and actually take off and land a 727 if need be. Pretty cool school if you ask me.

She doesn't work for an airline but the company she works for owns one.

Today was the first day in two weeks youngest daughter didn't scream a fit like a banshee for several hours. My ears still hurt. The kid's voice is all ragged now and she sounds like a 20 pack a day smoker. I hope it gets better soon, she normally has a nice voice.

Well that's my crap for now.