I hate flying
I haven't had very many good experiences on airplanes in the last 20 years or so.
There always seems to be something wrong, disgusting or annoying going on, either at the gate or on the plane. Customer service has gone to shit and the regulations are about as useful as Lindsay Lohan's rehab clinic.
Here are some of examples of what I'm talking about:
One time, while going through the airport metal detector, I had my medication in my hand. Security stopped me and asked what I was doing. I told them that my doctor warned me not to put my medicine through the X-ray, machine and I didn't trust putting it in the tray with my keys where someone could grab it.
The security person said he KNEW that my medicine could go through the X-Ray and my doctor was wrong...I asked him if he had a medical degree.. "Umm no..." was his reply, so I asked why I should I believe him over someone who went to medical school for 8 years and had been practicing for 30...he harrumphed and warned me to put it in through machine next time or else...
Every time I fly, someone feels the need to fully recline their chair into me. People are worthless, selfish fucks and I hate a good many of them with every fiber of my being. If we had to escape in an emergency, I would take pleasure in helping the bastard down the inflatable slide with my boot.
I always feel like someones bitch when I'm on an airplane. It never fails, some kid is kicking the shit out of my chair from the back, some cock master is smashing me from the front, and the humongous line backer next to me is spilling his hairy carcass over the arm rest and into my personal space. God forbid, if I'm stuck in the middle seat, there is always some dumb fuck spilling his drink on me or trying to read my magazine over my shoulder. I cannot get a fucking break.
Whenever I can, I ride backwards on the emergency row so I can have some leg room. It's worth it to check in early to get these seats. I don't give a fuck if I have to open the hatch and help people in an emergency, I know I could do it. Some other clueless fuck would probably faint and shit his pants at the first sign of trouble, ensuring our fiery doom
On one flight, I was in the emergency row, enjoying some modicum of comfort when the fellow across from me, fell asleep and began farting uncontrollably, Brrrap! Brapp! pop pop pop Brappp! KAPOW!
The stench reminded me of the time I visited the refinery/sulphur processing plant that was situated next to a pig farm/rendering plant. The man's poor wife was mortified and kept jabbing him in the ribs saying "wake up you disgusting bastard!" Each time she elbowed him it compressed his belly which made more gas come out. I finally told her, "it's fine I'm alright" I was afraid she would keep squeezing the wind out of this asshole and end up killing us all with the toxic fumes.
Did I mention that I hate flying?
posted by Bill Rowland @ August 23, 2007
33 Comments
33 Comments:
On one hand its good to know that I can comiserate with someone who has gone through the same trials that I have with flying.
Then tack on the issues you get with International Flying and we will be complete. Like the European who has not brushed his teeth or put on deodarant...its true, I had that happen to me. Or the flight up to Lima Peru...yes, we have to fly Up to land at their airport. What an adventure that was.
Flyinfox_SATX
Good Thursday morning Hammer !
All valid reasons to hate flying !
Plus, I always am scared we're gonna crash. Maybe not logical, but since the control freak in me isn't FLYING the thing, I'm not sure I trust the pilots....
Or any possible terrorists. Ugh. 9/11/01 will haunt me forever.
I hate flying too. The flight to and from Orlando this year was really bad. I'd rather drive even though there's a whole other set of problems on the road :)
Good Lord. You sure have been unlucky on planes. I read the link to the really bad one, I'm not sure I wouldn't have popped him one on the head. I'd have been arrested when we landed, sure, but it might have been worth it.
I used to dislike flying... mostly due to fear...But now I try and just relish the fact I am GOING somewhere. I look at it as an adventure... and blogging material!!
Lol Ham... going on a trip?
I have never flown anywhere and this just makes me even more glad..lol. If I live my entire life without going on a plane that will be just fine with me..lmao.
I used to like flying and probably still would if it weren't for all the pointless "security" regulations which serve to make our lives miserable whilst not increasing the liklihood of stopping bombers by one percent
I particularly loathe RYANAIR!!!
Thank you for reminding me exactly why I'll drive the 3,000 miles back to Ca rather than fly.
There is a reason I have a pilot's license. I couldn't stand flying commercial.
By the way, on my plane, you are required to bring a gun.
THe airlines are very poorly managed, anyway...
Sounds about par for the course. You have a lot of rude assholes that are in the same plane with you, and an airline company that treats the customers worse than livestock riding a cattle car. I refuse to fly unless it is necessary; I would much rather drive. Before flying got to be such a hassle, I quite enjoyed flying.
I have never been on an airplane but I want to travel in the next few years and the Greyhound doesnt go over sea's to well so I will have to try my first chance at flying.
Flyinfox: I can't imagine sitting next to a smelly person. From what I hear they kick off the hygiene challenged on domestic flights.
annie: turbulence makes me nervous as a Chihauha in a room full of woks.
jenafear: I hope to drive from now on.
Janet: I sure felt like it, but my better judgement took over once again :)
cheesy: I should look at it as blogging material..good point. I was thinking about going to Vegas but after thinking back I'm not so sure.
Canadian: You aren't missing a thing.
Mutley: I agree. Along with bad customer service the security is awful.
Kat: Lets start a convoy ;)
Avenge29: that's a rule I could live by! Thanks for stopping by :)
Bobg: when I was kid it was great, lots of room, pretty stewardesses, good food and a trip to the cockpit to look around. The golden age of flying is over.
Tweety: I hear international flights are a little better. I'm not sure by how much...
Ah so you're the Mr. Grumpy on the plane on our last flight. I was the one in the recliner and my kids were the ones kicking your chair. Sorry about my hubby's hairy arms, and that sure was an interesting read in that flight magazine, but it was really annoying the way you kept flicking the pages. Shame about the coffee spill but you handled it pretty well under the circumstances, although you did look pretty funny with that stain.
Let me know when you're next going and I'll try and book the same flights!
Cheers
I'm not fond of flying either. For alot of those reasons. But also I get motion sickness. Really bad. and whenever I'm done with all my flying I end up with a sinus infection.
I would rather drive for days, than fly.
I'm dying over here, this is hilarious!
I also hate flying with a passion, but its more about the heights thing. But I do hate the recliners. WHY did plane designers think that was a good idea???
Oh and when people ask for the pillows I gag. Do they realize how many people have laid their faces/mouth/nose/sweaty something on those before?? Bleh.
Flying is great for me because I can get really comfortable as I spill over the other guys armrest almost into his seat. If he wants to say anything about it, I'll just give him a really mean and crazy stare and that usually does the trick. Before I fly, I like to get drunk and eat lots of beans with onions on top (it's comfort food, ya know?). So when I finally get on the plane I can kick the seat back, turn up my music and sleep soundly (like never before) on those long cross country trips. And just before we land, I go to the restroom and I'm fresh as a daisy after a 15 or 20 minute dump.
Teh airlines like ot fuck my ass everytime I throw some money their way! I actually love the flying part...minus the people, kids and fucktard security shit!
I think the airlines make flying coach as uncomfortable as possible so next time you will fork over the bucks for one of those comfy first class seats..
Your post made me roll with laughter Hams! I'm sorry you've had such crappy experiences. I love to fly, and have only had one bad experience coming out of O'Hare. The turbulance was the worst I've ever experienced. It helps to get through security if you get your flirt on a little. They're so easy.
If the person in front you insists on being rude and stupid and reclining the seat, just start crossing and uncrossing your legs a lot which bounces the seat back up and down a lot. Oh, and be sure to lean forward and apologize in a loud voice in their ear each time you do it. You can also stand up and get something out of the overhead a couple of times, making sure to drop it on the asshole's head when you do.
Shove hairy arm off YOUR armrest! Protest loudly if he shoves back.
Turn to sneaky reader and ask if he or she is done before turning a page. Do it in a loud voice.
Kids kicking your seat? Turn around and in a quiet and calm but very serious voice threaten the little shit AND his parent(s) with dire or even deadly bodily harm if it happens even once more. Try to appear psychotic but act innocent if they complain.
Helping others while seated in the emergency row? I can pull that emergency exit window out in under 5 seconds. I can be outside the plane in 6. Everybody else is on their own after that.
Farting? Can't help you there.
It's not like you could strike a match! Damn!
I'm sorry to be so callous as to laugh at your pain, but that last bit about the guy falling asleep and farting had me in stitches.
Holy cow that would suck. At least it makes a great story.
sorry Hammer....but I'm the one who has been sitting in front of you. At 5'2" the seats are too tall and force my neck forward...I gotta recline them....just to sit straight....
mcewen: Ahh a team effort ;)
burfica: yep always an infection too.
random: eww, I never thought about the pillows, actually never had room for one...
Paul: Oh that's just wrong, you must be a frequent flyer ;)
jenny: that's about the worst of it.
Guy: I would pay it, if it were 50 bucks but they want double. Driving looks better and better.
Barista: Hmm maybe if I flirt they will treat me to a cavity search...
Jami: good advice, probably would have worked 7 years ago, nowadays I would be hogtied and carted off to gitmo ;)
mushy: or carry air freshener.
Queen: well we probably could have used him for a flotation device :)
katherine: If they recline a little I can handle it, but they want to go horizontal it pretty much negates having a tray or reading a magazine. I wonder what claustrophobic people do?
In the years I worked for Delta, we got to fly free, so we did that to be able to visit far away family. It was a love/hate relationship. My experiences were much like you describe, but since I was flying free, and was considered a representative of the company when flying free, we couldn't unload our thoughts on paying customers. I did like getting to see my brother in Utah, when we lived in Atlanta. We could fly nonstop there and back from Atlanta to lessen our suffering.
It was worse than being in the restaurant business, and I thought I'd seen every kind of jerk in that business.
This was all pre-9/11 too. I used to stress out over flying back then with my wife and kids, and I think I'd have to take a vallium or something now.
We always chose the most-empty flights possible and though that meant late or really early flights, it was helpful to get on the plane and seated together.
All forms of public transportation suck when you have to sit elbow to elbow with what ever fate sticks you with! I've had train rides and bus rides as well as plane rides that sucked because of other passengers inability to conduct themselves in a respectable manner. As for customer service however, plane travel is the worst. They know you are stuck flying so they pound it harder up your ass. My flight to Greece was a classic example. The airline terrorized the passengers on that flight!
WOW! You SURE hate flying alright!!
But I can't help laughing, as usual, at your story!! hahahahahahahahaha!
I've had really good experiences all the times I've flown - but I still think I'm going to die every time!!
I spent a lot of time on planes back when I taught on navy ships, and ran into all tose issues and more. Ever fly in a C-141 with seats made out of paratrooper netting? Try not to end up with some dude sleeping on you, or you rolling over on them. I flew home once and was surprised to find that the college had upgraded me to first class. What a difference it made. They were serving wine before all the other passengers were on the plane. And the seats were big enough, for once. Hilarious post man.
G'day Hammer,
So let's see, he was the, er, wind beneath your wings!!!
Flying is terrifying. I cannot and will not get on a plane with out a fist full of xanax and a bely full of liquor!
Was this inspired by my latest update on my trip to Cali? ;o)
It never fails for me either. My son is finally calm, sitting on my lap playing with a matchbox helicopter and the asshole in front of me feels it's necessary to put his seat all the way back. WTF??? I just got the screaming baby all calmed down and now you're putting your seat back and squishing us together?
I used to really like flying. Now, not so much. Your post reminded me of all the reasons why! (well, that AND my recent adventures!)h
Amen, Bruthah!
We fly back East to West-BYGOD-Virginia every Xmas in a year that ends with an EVEN NUMBER and I can confirm that these are ALL valid reasons to hate flying - esp the whole people getting into your personal space thing. I've got a 36" inseam and getting comfy in one of those little seats with zero leg room would be enough to drive a priest to drink much less us regular folk.
Thank GOD it's a ODD NUMBERED YEAR! :o)
Post a Comment
Welcome back
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home