Annoying stuff
Cross walks:
Why is it when I push the button to cross the street, it takes 5 minutes for the walk sign to light up? Then, once I'm about 5 feet out into the intersection, it changes to "don't walk" and all of the sudden cars are trying to drive up my ass with drivers honking and shooting me the finger. It's ridiculous. I don't know of anyone who can cross 4 lanes of traffic in 2.8 seconds that isn't being chased by a pack of rabid pit bulls.
Menus in restaurants:
Who names the shit on menus at these chain bistro places? "I'll have the chicken fru fru with the mango poopsie sauce." What the fuck? Who in the hell would order something called Chef Pablo's famous foot long wiener? And I hate the word "Veggies". If I ask what the vegetable of the day is, I'm always corrected.."Oh you mean the veggies, the veggie plate or the mixed veggies" ARGGGH! I'm beginning to think a lisp is required to order some freaking green beans.
Iced tea:
Am I the only one who notices that many places serve spoiled rank iced tea that tastes like it's been run through a pair of dirty socks? I've taken a sip of tea before that was so soured I had to spit it into my napkin. I looked to see if anyone else noticed the foul flavor. Surprisingly, everyone else is guzzling the disgusting mop water like there's no tomorrow. When I complained to the waitress, she acts like I'm a whiny pain in the ass because I'm the only one griping about the sewage they are passing off as a beverage.
Special employees:
I think it's great that places hire the mentally handicapped to work part time. I have no problem with it. It's great that they are learning skills, gaining independence and self confidence.
However, one time my son and I went for a late lunch at Mr Gattis pizza buffet.We were sitting in the cartoon room watching Spongebob and eating our pizza, when a couple of mentally handicapped young men came in and started busing the tables. One was tall and skinny and the other was short and fat. They were acting especially agitated and aggressive for some reason.
All of the sudden, The fat kid jumped on top of the skinny ones back and the next thing you know, they are rolling around on the tables, flinging potato salad, throwing trays of old food, and just generally beating the shit out of each other. The fat one then proceeds to grab the skinny guy by the crotch and starts trying to bite his testicles. Even with all the screaming and commotion nobody came in to see what was the matter.
My son and I were staring at this train wreck and I'm wondering what my next move should be.
We were the only ones in there, so I went and got a manager, she walked in and grabbed them by the ears and started screaming that this was the third time this week and she was calling their mothers. The guys then started to blubber and plead in unison "no please don't call my mommy!"
I'm thinking, what the fuck? Am I on candid camera? Where is Alan Funt? More importantly where the hell is my apology and free pizza coupons?
Sometimes I feel like weird annoying stuff like this only happens to me.
posted by Bill Rowland @ August 11, 2007
45 Comments
45 Comments:
I thought this post was Hilarious. This is my first time to your site and I look forward to looking around.
Good Luck.
Most restaurants serve Lipton tea and really badly made. I think Lipton taste like when good tea goes bad anyway. So...ick. lol
I hate when they name the food weird, then don't give an explanation what it is. Like the "totally tubular meal with Aunt Bea's famous sides" what the fuck is it???
and yer paying the wages for the mad people yer know... they are all on government funded schemes...
Yay! Im third!!
Crosswalk lights are bogus. They don't change the timing on anything. All they do is give you the permission to walk light at the same time as the traffic light goes green.
Some people think pushing the button will make the light change sooner, but it won't. It doesn't do a stinking thing.
I think some people act like a magnet for crazies drawing them to themselves. Maybe you have that innate gift.
I'm with you on the iced tea, definitely an acquired taste.
Cross walks are designed specifically to annoy pedestrians, discourage walking and send everyone back to their cars.
Menus written in colourful language are inversely related to the quality of the food on offer.
As for the special employees, I think you're just as likely to get that kind of behaviour from any other teenager. 'Crazy' is not a prerequisite.
Cheers
I can't say I find anything you said here unusual...but why are there so few of us who realize it's just not right? What the hell is Chicken Morguano with Chiposaki bread legs?
...oh, its a chicken breast in morguano sauce sauteed with Plagistiac mushrooms and served on Chiposaki bread legs with Hopewell blue potatoes...you dumb ass. Which veggie did you want?
If you really want to look at funky menu items, visit any restaurant in Miami. I'm sure we have a Chef Pablo something or other here.
I'm with you on the cross walk lights. It happened to me in Coral Gables yesterday on my first day of work. I took forever to cross ONE street because the light seemed to be stuck on green and then I had to haul ass because it turned back to red in a matter of seconds.
You crack me up--you should write for TV. Cable.
carl: thanks for visiting!
burfica: It's even worse when they let the instant go sour.
mutley: You are correct, I guess tax breaks and free labor makes the occasional food fight tolerable to the establishment.
alan: I've long suspected that but never had anyone confirm it before.
lexcen: It's my gift..or curse that's for sure.
mcewen: Good tea is rare but nice when I can get it. They suceeded on the crosswalks, I will drive my car 50 feet to get a store that is across an intersection.
jp: That sounds like the special of the day that they rattle off so quickly you don't catch that the main ingredient is carp.
Scarlet: I've been meaning to visit miami, I will be careful when I do :)
Poor Hammer (hysterical stuff, btw). I, too, wonder in life if I am on a perpetual segment of Candid Camera.
BAWAHAHAHAHAHA
I read an article about it a while back. It's all about liability. Having lights specifically for pedestrians gives a municipality better protection against people who sue for a living.
As for the tea, it continues to ferment because it isn't cooled. Restaurants do all the prep they can first thing in the morning, so by the time someone gets around to ordering tea in the afternoon, it's already been stewing in its own juices for 10-12 hours.
I figured the tea thing by conducting my own experiments at home. To keep tea as fresh-tasting as possible, the freshly-brewed and still hot tea should be poured over ice or immediately mixed into iced water to shock it into not brewing itself anymore, and then put in the refrigerator.
Restaurants that do a lot of business and churn a lot of people through usually, in my experience, have better tea because they have to keep making it fresh all day to keep up with customer demand.
I think Maverick's near Floresville has pretty good tea. Their food is great also, in my opinion.
omg I am not alone in the "i hate gawd aweful" tea club!
I always ask if they brew it or from that nasty ass powder. If in doubt I order hot tea and a huge glass of ice lol.
Finally, another person who hates the word "veggies"!! *smooch* That word makes me grind my teeth. It's like baby talk, as if the word "vegetables" is too hard for adults to say.
I've never met a glass of iced tea in a restaurant that I liked. Yet I keep ordering it wherever I go, hoping that someone will know how to make it.
And yes, weird annoying stuff like that only happens to you. ;-)
God, do I ever identify with this post. It's all true and not the least exaggerated!
I realize that I am going to hell for laughing at the bit about the "special" kids but damn. Just damn.
Erica: I know when the cameras finally come out I'm just going to look bored.
guy: :)
alan: places like alamo cafe and bill miller always have good tea for the very reason you specify. I'll have to try mavericks.
cheesy: that may as well be powdered dog shit they make tea from. and you are correct that baby talk is what really gets on my nerves
mushy: That the funny thing, I wish I was exaggeratingbut I couldn't get that lucky :D
queen: it would have been funnier on youtube than in the dining room as it happened.
Hahahaha! I amused the whole room with that post! Except the fighting boys - that wasn't too funny. But it happens to all of us I think =)
KB: You're right, it was actually kind of scary since my kid was there and these guys were totally out of control.
nope not just you. If something fucked up is going to happen.... I'm going to get it too
"Sometimes I feel like weird annoying stuff like this only happens to me."
So that we can vicariously experience it on your blog, of course. ;)
I agree about the iced tea!
Most places have a dispenser, which blends water with instant tea. Remember the slime in your AC hose? Iced tea dispenser hoses will get the same way, if not cleaned properly. *gag*
Where I work, we make brewed iced tea. I can't convince the afternoon shift that they MUST wash the pitcher before refilling it. I've found some horrific green gobs growing inside the lid of the pitcher.
This is why I refuse to drink iced tea in ANY restaurant!
It *does* only happen to you. When the mentally-disabled employees at restaurants I patronize get into fisticuffs, they never, never try to bite each other's testicles.
what a magnificent futard story, Hammer!
I say, "hire 'em, they're fun to watch!"
B-D
------
snowmanpoop: after reading your stories, I believe it.
AD: I guess it were otherwise I would complain about my life being boring.
tshsmom: that is disgusting and it makes total sense. Where is the health dept when we need em?
jocelyn: I guess the poor kid was tired of stale pizza.
Dr Chip: It would have really been something during the luch rush.
I am an Ice tea Conisu- cunissewer-coniss- I know fuckin' tea OK. I make Gallons at home and 'alandp' is right on-with the refrig part- but restaurants have ICE and REFRIGERATORS- BIG ASS ONES!!!! my tea can last for up to a week-(it never does cuz I drink it) but it has before because I cool it as soon as it's steeped. NO Ice I just put it in the fridge.
However, now I'm gonna leave it out in the SC heat so that when I do go to a restaurant their's won't suck near as bad as mine and I'll drink it and won't even mind the freakin' Veggies I get.
I love the fact that certain establishments hires the Mentally & Physically Challenged-Our Taco Bells do- "a Lot"- They think the Dog is there. But I would have been a little more than afraid had it been me and my son and then trying to explain why lardo- grabbed skinnys nads because he wanted to clear the tables with the red and white cloths! Not funny and quite intinidatibng I imagine in person and esp. since the manager siad what, "Third time this wekk?. OK- potiential for some child to get seriously and non-funny hurt in the accidental freeforall!!!
I'm not astrological-(I did have a hemorrhoid once- butt-) --but does your sign happen to be FECES??? Cause a lot a strange "chit" seems to happen to you and I love every instance. AD said it best- better us living it through you than it happening to us!!
Keep on keepin on my friend!!
John
This stuff, I assure you, does not only happen to you. The reason you feel like it does, is that the majority of people will not speak out.
We are taught from a very young age that it's not 'polite' to complain, to argue and to resist. So, many are just used to looking the other way, and 'politely' make an excuse for this horrible behaviour.
I too, speak up, and am always seen as the bitch.
Lucky for me, I'm okay with that label.
I always thought the crosswalk sign was mislabeled... that it would help if it said, "Start Walking", or something similar. If you start crossing while it says to, you should have time to get across before traffic starts coming from the other way. So I figured it changes to "Don't Walk" when it reaches the point that, if you started now, you probably wouldn't get across in time.
Does the way I explained that make sense to anyone other than me?
Too funny! Nope, never been in a situation like that...
Free pizza and an apology? But you were right there, courtside for the special olympics cage match! No extra charge!
I don't know, I always look like a second away from beating someone's ass all of the time, and that seems to tame the crazies, though it attracts the bitchy ones who complain that I don't smile enough.
My last employer used to hire mongoloids since they indeed were really cheap labor - he paid them $6 an hour, and the government covered most of that. They weren't worth a lick for getting a job done on time, but didn't mind repetitive tasks, which was what they did. He was more their entertainment than actual help. Then I heard later he was hiring work release people for the same reason (the prison was a couple of blocks away). I can't confirm this (though I'd love to find out if there's a way I could), but I heard he had a satellite shop closed because of all the illegals he had there. Guy's a class act. Right.
I'll bet a cigar the iced tea in most places is from powdered concentrate in those round oatmeal-box looking containers. Unless you're in a boutique restaurant, forget getting brewed from bags, much less from loose leaf.
The crosswalk is bad enough for the able bodied, but I pulled my calf last autumn and man, let me tell you. It was a bullseye on my back. I almost bought a cane. As in black lacquered, lead center pimp stick. Not for walking; for bashing in the driver's window of every jag officer who tried to run the limping guy over.
And veggies. It's bad enough that I feel my public manliness aura reduced by eating healthier meals; getting the steamed vegetable plate instead of the burger and fries. But veggies, why don't they just have the hostess remove my balls and put them in the fridge where the iced tea should be for the rest of my stay there.
John: I've started ordering diet soda myself but they can't even get the mix right and it tastes like rhino ass.
Yeah I'm prone to the asstrological happenings when mars is in the seventh house of uranus ;)
onefullhouse: I definitely speak up these days. I got tired of going home pissed thinking I shoulda said somthing.
NYX: When I was a kid and it would change to don't walk after 2 seconds I would run back to the curb wondering what the hell I was supposed to do.
mts: Yeah employers like the tax breaks and cheap labor, I don't see much charitable spirit in the system.
The lead stick is a good idea, I knew a guy who kept tire balancing weigts in his pocket for that very purpose.
Veggies..yeah they are trying to steal our manhood and dignity that's for sure.
There was a Pearls Before Swine about crosswalks that was the funniest single strip I have ever read. Now I must find it.
And that story about the restaurant was hilarious, especially that nobody did anything about it.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure this stuff only happens to you...
and snowman, of course!!! ha!
i'll never again live where there are crosswalk signs...
LMAO, "where's Alan Funt?" Killer. Yep, they must have been on a work release program from the nut farm. Hilarious.
And most folks probably put so much sweetener in that tea they never notice how rank it is.
If you don't wash iced tea containers well or don't refrigerate the tea immediately after you brew it, mildew will start growing in it! Or it will taste like mildew is growing in it if it's Lipton. And I am SO with you on the "veggies" thing. In fact, I get way wound up over just about any normal word that folks tack "-ie" on the end in an attempt to get cutesie.
Dorky dad: If you find the strip pass it on :)
kuckie: I need to take my camera more often so I can document lifes weirdness mroe fully.
nanc: Crosswalks are a death wish around here, even the protected ones with a cop directing traffic.
FHB: I never thought of sweet tea blarg! thats double nasty.
jami: Yes cutsie, that's the word I'm lookig for. Why is everything so damn cutsie these days?
Those freakin' cross walk things are more stress inducing to me than a Calculus test I forgot to study for. Hate 'em.
Loved the "mentally challenged" story. Like I've said before, you're like a magnet for things like that happening to you.
OMG Hammer- you are the bomb man--you just ain't right son!! Rhino ass!! Hmmm... think I'll have a lick---damn that taste bad! Ya Think! I'm still howling out loud and my dog is pisswed. You are one FUNNY dude. I can only Pray that we meet one day!
JOhn
NOPE not just you...once in Walmart one of their "special" employees plowed into my daughter (who was about 6 at the time)..about 6 cashiers saw it happen and not one of them asked if we were ok...I hit the roof and demanded to speak to the manager..I was NOT happy.
betch'all are regular with all the mexican/tai food you eat!
ye gads!!!!!!
Will you still like me if I say it's funnier when it happens to you?
JAM: Yes I'm a magnet for all things blogable. I guess that's not so bad.
Canadian: . I try to be cool about inevitable accidents and stuff but sometimes the customer's safety needs to be taken into consideration.
Nanc: lol I need all the help I can get :)
Infini: Don't tell me you've never seen a special olympics food fight... ;)
anndi: it's always funnier from afar. :)
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