Scatter shots
I haven't been out of the house much, but we went to an Asian restaurant the other night. It was pretty good but if you had one you had em all.
The waitress kept getting upset at us because we weren't sharing our plates family style or eating our steamed rice. I mean shit, they gave us enough to choke a horse. It was funny in retrospect, but the lady was kind of a control freak and insisted on putting 5 pounds of rice in a to go container. Next time I'll tell em to stick the rice up their ass.
Had a headache yesterday, was supposed to go to a little kids birthday at my nephews house. I decided to stay home and sleep it off. Turns out the mother of the birthday kid bought a meat baster full of sperm on Ebay seven years ago and impregnated herself with it.
How do you stick something like that in a memory box....here's daddy SirSquirtsalot69@hotmail.com
And who the fuck bops their baloney into meat basters all day and auctions them on Ebay?
I'm pretty open minded, but bidding on some random dude's online jizmoglobin crosses all kinds of boundaries.
I'm glad I stayed home, I felt better after a nap so I mowed the grass before the yard Nazis with their micrometers could come out and cite me for an unkempt yard.
Just as I was about to reach my breaking point last week youngest daughter gave up the fight and has been pretty good the last few days. Come to think of it, compared to other kids in the neighborhood and their schoolmates, I think I'm pretty damn lucky to have such well behaved kids...in public at least.
posted by Bill Rowland @ August 13, 2007
33 Comments
33 Comments:
Ewww. What about disease? Awfully trusting.
I'll bet your kids are among the best behaved. They will thank you later even if they throw tantrums now.
umm... yeah, what Jeannie said-what about diseases?? and how do they keep it fresh? do they ship it in dry ice or something? Ugh.
Can't you go out in the middle of the night and spray Miracle-Gro on the yard Nazis' lawns?
Glad the screamer seems to have settled down. You should tape one of her tantrums and save it for when she's older and brings a boyfriend home. Better than an embarrassing photo. ;-)
OMG...The way you describe things crack me up. I'm glad your feeling better.
I can't imagine someone actually buying jizz off Ebay, or worse explaining to that kid.
It is nice to take a look around at other people's kids and notice your kid is an angel in comparison.
"..bops their boloney....""""
ahahahahaha.....
Peace
Did you hear the one about the lady doctor who was shtuppin' a male doctor. He didn't want to marry her and have kids, so she gave him a blow job, saved his jiz in her mouth, and then used some sort of implement to impregnate herself with it. I guess it stayed alive in the warmth of her mouth long enough.
Thing is, how much would one pay me to pop my spooge into a turkey baster? I mean...
eBay spunk...wow. I once had an idea of opening an eBay account and selling random crap from my desk, just to get it cleared off. Pencil, rarely chewed. July 1997 desk calendar page w/only 3 appointments. Dental picks. But it never occurred to me to sell body fluids. Clean urine for drug tests...finger nails for DNA. wow...the possibilities are endless.
I'm horrified...she bought the baby makings on E-BAY? Where are laws when you need them? That has creeped me out for the rest of the day.
Seriously!!! UGH!!!!! Nothing says motherhood like creating cyberbabies. Now all I can picture is a giant turkey baster shoved up her hoochka. Awful!
i'll now have Asian food associated with vials of sperm for the rest of my life. thanks. thanks a lot.
=:-)
Them asian ladies can be crazy eh???
I think I'm just gonna avoid the whole turkey baster thing. hehehehe
Glad your headache is better.
I don't have a lawn the dogs keep digging it up. So...I have dirt, and sometimes tunnels the bassett makes. hehehehe
I know they say you can find anything on E-bay, but that is taking it a little to far! How the hell did she even come up with the idea to look for it on E-bay? Wasn’t anybody in her life able to knock some sense into her before she did it? Gross! I feel bad for the kid.
Please Hammer, don't ever let my mom know that such things can be purchased on ebay......she'd stop at nothing to have grandchildren!
If we ever get to meet you will think the same about mine. LOL.. Yes just a conceited mom here. LOL.. No they are really good around new people for some reason. I havent gotten it all figured out yet.
I've always said if I had to choose I'd rather have my kids well behaved in public than well behaved at home. At home you can always smack 'em upside the head. :)
jeannie: That was my first question as well
Janet: yeah I'm thinking dry ice or something, I have my older daughter on tape screaming I guess I could record side B :)
H20 much better thanks :)
jenafear: the only thing is nobody believes me when I tell em abnout the bad times :)
odat: Well you know trying to be delicate in my language ;)
FHB: That is one dedicated woman. I'm almost afraid to look on Ebay now to see the price range.
JP: Indeed, I've seen some odd stuff, a clever entrepreneur could make a fortune selling carpet fuzz.
kat: I'm wondering about the laws myself...
kate: Not a pretty mental image.
minijonb: Doh! that reminds me of another story... ;)
We had a two year drought so we had dirt too until last year. Still have dog paths though :)
marie: this lady comes from a pretty dysfunctional family, I'm lucky to know the nice ones. Not sure if it's fair to the kid to not even have the chance at a father.
tysgirl: That would be a awkward package to recieve from mum ;D
tweety: I'll take any good behavior I can get at this point, ?I guess kids know the time and place for a tantrum.
david: This is true. It's difficult to do anything but threaten em when out in public.
I'm with the others; has this woman never heard of AIDS?
Never want to see a t-baster again!!! The really twisted part has to be informing ANYONE of the means of conception let alone the actual......!!!
That whole "control" way with the customers has to be ingrained, as I've never met one who was much different.
Very glad to hear your daughter is settling back into her usual routine. I hope it continues,now that she'll be busy with back to school planning.
Veritas et Fidelis Semper
P.S. What are we all going to use at turkey-time for a....you know........baster?
Bleh! Agree with all - diseases?? And what if this dude was a crazy - was she not worried that she could turn up with a kid with the same background?
People are nuts. She brings a whole new meaning to "baby fever".
Uhhh... I -DID- NOT- have my hand up when you asked the question about--ahhhh -..... hmmmmmm - Who- would actually......in a Baster...anywaygladthekidsarefine thewifeisbackthelwannazisarehappyandyouhaverice.Amen
John
I am hungry Mr Hammer -could you send me the rice? Or you could make it into rice pudding? It seems a shame to waste it!! Did I miss the point...
G'day Hammer,
I remember being told once that steamed rice really brings out the flavour of the main courses.
BTW, was fascinated by your comment on Mushy's post about Lackland AFB ....
Cheers
David
okay wait...can you really purchase sperm on ebay? Not really....
c'mon Hammer...don't you want to know how much yours would bring? (just kidding)
this is a bit gross but the upside is that she won't have to deal with the idiot loser ex husband that I have to..lmao.
I promise that's not where my baby came from
LOL!!!
Oh lawd....what next?
Glad the wee one is submitting a bit... gl kiddo
jam: from what I can acsertain the woman is as dumb as a sack of rocks.
Deborah: I feel victorious and the kid is happy too. Go figure...
random: the kid has several genetic diseases unfortuantely. Not sure what came from what.
John: exactly.
katherine: I checked and they do sell sperm on ebay..how gross is that?
canadian: never thought of that.
snowmanpoop: perish the thought!
mutley: the shipping would be exorbitant but I'll give you the nuber of the rice nazi so she can send you some.
schmoopie: I can't look at my meat baster the same way again
cheesy: she's doing fine. I'm ecstatic!
Of all the things I didn't think one could peddle on eBay, I'd think bodily fluids would be damn near the top!
By the way, I tagged you, give the meme a try!
My stomach does not know if I should have read this before or after I just finished my General Tso's Chicken. Terrific.
On a different subject, nothing cures a neighbor with lawn comments better than a couple of friendly and fertile voles.
meow
Sornie: There was an Ebay ban on dehydrated piss for a while but I think the seller is back in business. I just looked over there and saw animal sperm for sale... would hate to see a mix up.
meow: Yeah the Chinese food and baster really needed seperate posts :) Voles.. aren't those burrowing rodents?
Yeah, a guy can sell his sperm no questions asked on eBay, but dang you if you try to sell gun parts, a bearskin rug, or stamps. Oooh. Evil.
I don't mind their exclusion list, but like everything else in life, it's inconsistent, and has no overall direction or train of thought, meaning they have a few random things in there that make you wonder how the heck that got banned.
Personally, I wouldn't want to have sex with, let alone have my child share DNA with a person who would spank it into a baster. Ew. And how appalling for the child that she tells people this. Mortifying. Might as well check him into therapy already.
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