New bikes and other stuff

I went out and bought my daughters their first bikes the other day. We got in the store, tried out a few and they both said, "no thanks dad can we have another tricycle?" I had them ride around the store a little and let them pick out their favorite color and whatever cartoon character happened to be plastered all over it.

My son wanted to do the bike rodeo for his school so I bought the horn and lights they they required.

We got home and the girls got to riding with training wheels right away. They are finally big enough to reach the pedals on one of the smallest bikes. They did pretty good but turning and stopping were the major issues. Over steering was the culprit that bloodied a couple of elbows and knees. Like little troopers, they sniffed up their tears and kept riding.

I put my son's bike back together and adjusted the seat for him. He's 10 now and growing like a weed. They all rode around till dark and didn't want to come in for dinner. Can't say I blame them, riding my bike used to be my number one pastime.

The kids behavior is getting better, less destroying stuff, less lying, less cursing and calling their brother a fucking bitch for no good reason other than to be mean.

People click their tongue at me when I get after the girls for cussing. They think there is no possible way that filthy language comes out of those precious little girls.

Ha! The adoption paperwork I recently received noted that their first words were bitch, ass and fuck. How lovely is that?

They are coming along fine though. I can't complain. They are actually very kind and nurturing overall which is surprising from reading how little they got before their adoption.

My oldest girl is doing things that are kind of wacky for a 7 year old, I think. The other morning she painted her face with tooth paste and stuck a bunch of toothbrushes in her hair with more toothpaste.

The next day I caught her eating dog food. The youngest went streaking because she thought it would be funny.

Dad does not think that shit is funny.

I'm working on teaching them impulse control. I tell them: "ok you are about to do something, stop right there. You have to think about it first and decide if your actions are going to make daddy happy or pissed off. If you imagine me pissed off you probably should come talk to me before proceeding further."

I think I'm getting through to them little by little.

Parenthood is complicated shit

Hammer post for GuyK's caption contest.

I've owned many hammers over the years and have used more types than I care to remember.

My first was a wooden mallet that pounded those different shaped blocks through holes in a toy workbench. From that point on I was hooked.

As a kid I used to build forts with my trusty claw hammer. I had many a busted and sore thumb because my aim was so crappy.

I took wood shop in middle school and high school and perfected the art of the hammer. People lumped me in with the losers and delinquents that took shop class but all I really wanted to do was build things.

I remember one kid was choking up on the handle and hammering like a sissy because he was afraid of hitting his thumb. My teacher cut off the handle with the band saw and gave it back. He said "looks like that's all the handle you need anyway" He was one of my favorite teachers.

When working at my dad's automotive shop I learned to use body hammers. They had odd shaped heads for reshaping sheet metal or for removing dents.

When the handle broke he welded a piston from a shock absorber in it's place. It gave the hammer a good heft and made it look menacing. This one became my favorite and I carried it on my belt loop for many years as a tool and a defensive weapon.

These days I've got a tool box full, brass hammers for working on guns, tack hammers, rubber mallets, pneumatic hammers and so on.

I find myself losing them every time I turn around and I've resorted to using a rock to hang a picture. Pathetic right?

Even though I like hammers in general this blog is named after the philosophical saying:

When your only tool is a hammer every problem looks like a nail.

And it's true what they say, "Don't force it..get a bigger hammer"

Hammer #14 Enjoy!

Caption contest winner

I've decided a winner of the caption contest. All of the entries were funny. There were a lot of different takes on this one but this one takes the prize.

GuyK, you can, think up a blog topic or subject for me to write about if you choose.

Congratulations!

Checking account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller,
"I want to open a fucking checking account."

The astonished woman replies," I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, goddamn it. I said I want to open a fucking checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this fucking bitch giving you a hard time?"

Hammer's most offensive post ever!

UPDATE the video has been pulled from google. Sorry to those who didn't get to watch it.


I saw this cartoon the other day, and I was blown away.

Holy crap! WTF!

This is from the same people that brought you Porky pig, Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny.

This was mainstream stuff 60 some odd years ago. Today it's probably considered a hate crime.


WARNING: Do not consume liquids, wear bed sheets or burn crosses while viewing this video.


Video link...Click Here

Hammer #13 Entitled 2:03 you will never get back

I'm finally delving into editing movies and adding my own soundtracks.
I know this one is lame but the song is kinda funny.

Hammer keeps his temper sort of.

Ms Sweetpants is a 20 something, ultra bubbly, blond haired, blue eyed , kind of plump woman but not unattractive. Always extra sweetsy and nice even when she doesn't mean it.

I went to my oldest daughter's parent teacher conference today. Her teacher had told us the third week of school that she recommended holding my daughter back.

Third week? What the fuck?

We told Ms Sweetpants that we didn't agree with retention and how the hell can she recommend holding her back when the school year had barely started.

We got my daughter extra help right then, tutoring, extra reading, homework, a special reading teacher etc...

My daughter went from barely knowing her letters, to surpassing G reading level with the rest of the class, despite a severe speech impediment that makes sounding out words difficult or impossible .

We were assured by her speech pathologist and her special education teacher that my daughter was progressing at a phenomenal rate and almost ready to be mainstreamed.

We went into the conference room with Ms Sweetpants, the special Education teacher and the speech pathologist. Then the principal walks in...

I thought, Oh shit here we go...

They start off the meeting with the Special ed teacher and speech pathologist going on and on about my daughters fantastic progress and how they've never seen someone catch up so fast.

Things went downhill after that.

Ms Sweetpants: "Yes Yes we all love her and she has made progress but my TPR report shows her regressing and she actually knows less than before.

My wife: "you were supposed to test her with the speech pathologist present as we agreed. Did you do that?

Ms Sweetpants "Uh well no but that doesn't matter" She began to look annoyed.

Ms Sweetpants: "Your daughter is no where near the development of the other children and I have to recommend that she repeat the first grade."

I felt my blood pressure rising and my palms began to sweat.

My wife was still doing all the talking.

Wife: We think retention is wrong for our daughter, she is making fantastic progress and holding her back will crush her for no good reason. What is repeating the same lessons all over again going to do for her?

Ms Sweet pants dropped all pretense of niceness and brought out her claws.

Ms Sweetpants: "Your daughter is failing the first grade! I see her six hours a day and I know what's best!"

I was taken aback by the sweetsy nicey teacher, probably ten years younger than me, raising her voice to us. I glanced at the principal who I know to be decent and she had no reaction.

I felt my blood boiling. I slapped my hand on the table and brought out my booming projection voice,

Hammer: "OK LETS CUT TO THE CHASE, ARE YOU FORCING MY DAUGHTER TO REPEAT THE FIRST GRADE? BECAUSE IF NOT, THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER"

Ms Sweetpants got louder and redder.

Ms Sweetpants: I recommend in my professional opinion that your daughter be held back. I am a professional and I know what's best for your child!

Wife: "She is our daughter and WE know what's best. Holding her back isn't it!"

Hammer: We had the exact same conversation three years ago about my son failing first grade and now my son is a star student.

Ms Sweetpants "WE DON'T COMPARE CHILDREN HERE!"

Hammer: You all were wrong about him, You're wrong about my daughter too...

Ms Sweetpants: Your son is Completely different!

Hammer: You were still wrong...

Principal: Make a note for the record that the parents don't agree with the teachers assessment and the student will proceed to the second grade with all the same services in place.

Hammer: Thank you.

.

Ms Sweetpants: You DO KNOW that even if she goes on to second grade she will fail eventually and will have to be held back. I hope YOU realize that..

Hammer: No she won't, I won't allow it, I'm going to make her successful.

.

Ms Sweetpants, Well I'm just telling you my professional opinion.

.

Hammer: You know what they say about opinions...

.

Wife: Uh (insert nervous laughter) lets go.

The special education teacher stopped us in the hall and told us that as soon as she found out Ms Sweet pants was failing our daughter that she had gone to the principal.

.

She told the principal that Ms Sweetpants was full of shit and my daughter should be promoted to the next grade.

I'm glad Ms Sweetpants showed her ass in front of the principal.

God I hate public schools.

Caption Contest...

Think of your best caption and the winner can pick a blog topic for me to write about. I'll decide the winner on Sunday 4-29.

New Banner

JP with his artistry and eye for detail made me a new banner today.

It was a nice surprise, as my blog banner and profile pics were hijacked and deleted yesterday by some unknown vandal. Someone went to my file hosting site and had my banner and profile pic reported as offensive.

I'm notoriously unorganized but after searching old backups I was able to recover an old copy. However I really like this new one quite a bit.

My hat's off to JP, a scholar and a gentleman.

Things hammer has learned not to do.

Hammer has learned not to:

Scratch my huevos after slicing up fresh jalapenos.

Take for granted that my Johnson is put away when zipping up my pants.

Have a coughing or sneezing attack while going pee.

Give a dog an enema from a drug store kit.

Eat anything in the dark without looking at it first.

Fart during a bout with the stomach flu.

Spit a loogie out my car window when going 70mph

Mix Vodka and root beer schnapps.

Change a diaper without a gas mask of some sort.

Try to pee with morning wood.

Use the beard trimmer while drunk.

Brush my teeth in the dark and grab the prep H by mistake.

Offer to help lift something heavy in a lesbian bar

Use the free condoms from the bowl at the lesbian bar.

Tell rat stories at the corporate office party of a restaurant chain.

Bring a GWAR CD to play at the Baptist family reunion.

Ever get left alone with the bosses nymphomaniac fiance.

Open the top and bottom drawer of a large filing cabinet at once.

Leave off the fan shroud after replacing a water pump.

Grab the spark plug when the lawnmower is running.

Go to a tuxedo fitting with a .44 on my belt.

Sing Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know at a Lesbian Karaoke party.

These are just a few of the silly mistakes Hammer has made in his lifetime.

I'm sure this will be an ongoing series.

Hammer #12 Cheech and Chong retrospective

When I was a kid my dad would take me to see Cheech and Chong movies. The only rule was "don't tell your mother"...no problem there. I didn't really understand the drug refrences but I thought these guys were funny as hell.

Here is a tribute

Cheech and Chong retrospective.

This is the most hilarious thing I've seen in ages.

Hat tip to flyinfox




I took down the tourettes video, because I got to reading the guy's website and even though tourettesguy.com is a "family" project done by him and his sons, I'm not so sure If I want to make fun of the guy's disabiltity.

They say that alcohol and an anger management issue exacerbate this man's episodes of corprolalia. Oh well, if you still want to see the videos they are over on the website refrenced above, they also provide a link with serious information on tourettes and related maladies, they is also a link for donations to the tourettes foundation if you're interested.

Hammer #11 the sound of sinus

It's cold and allergy season. Here's a video to make you feel better...

The dead man's balls

I've always loved bowling, never was much good at it, but there is always something satisfying about knocking shit down. It's probably the same reason I like target shooting.

Back in 1998 I watched the Big Lebowski and it rekindled my interest in bowling. I had my own business and in between jobs I would roll a few games. I ended up spending a lot of money bowling that year.

So I joined a league, it ended up saving me tons of money. The people at the brunswick bowl would feel sorry for me having to pay $70 for an afternoon in an empty bowling alley, so they fudged the bill for me more often than not.

One day, my mother in law showed up at my house. Her visits usually fill me with dread because there is always some crazy shit going on. More often than not she wants something from me or to make my life really annoying.

Much to my surprise, she opens up the trunk of her car and it's filled with bowling balls.

My eyes went wide, there were five of them and a pair of bowling shoes.

She was all proud of herself, mother in law had gone to a garage sale and the person was selling all the stuff that had belonged to her recently deceased husband.

Bowling balls are like Jock straps, you really don't want to use one that belonged to someone else and it's very unlikely that one would fit in the correct places if you know what I mean...

She got all these balls and accessories for 5 bucks, so I gave her the money and took the stuff to my workshop. I had no idea what I was going to do with all this shit.

I went through the balls. 4 of them were cheap plastic ones you can get at any sporting goods store for 14 bucks. The shoes were size 8. The man had giant hands and itty bitty feet.

There was one name brand ball labeled " the angle" It just so happened to have my initials on it. Seems the dead man and I had something in common. I just figured it was a weird coincidence.

I took the monogrammed ball to the pro shop that was owned by a retired pro bowler to get it checked out and possibly plugged and re-drilled for me as a spare.

He took one look at it and said that I had one of the best bowling balls of 20 some odd years ago and he himself had used one to win a championship in 1980.

He measured my hand, had me put my fingers in different gauges, then prepared to plug and drill the ball to fit. He stopped and said:

"This ball is already drilled exactly for your hand, I've never seen anything like it"

I tested the fit and it did indeed feel pretty good.

I went out on the lanes to try it out. The ball was drilled for finger tip bowling, and the two middle fingers were drilled first knuckle shallow for putting a spin on the ball.

I wasn't used to this and I ended up accidentally dropping the ball on my approach.

It rolled down the right side of the lane next to the gutter. It teetered on the edge all the way down. Then at the last second, it made a left turn and knocked down all the pins.

I tried several more times and found that all I had to do was drop the ball at the right side of the lane to make a strike. The ball did all the work.

My score was the highest ever at 274.

It almost seemed as if there was someone guiding it.

For about a year, I kept a 240 average. However I soon realized that this kind of bowling wasn't any fun.

The dead man's posessed ball was doing all the work and I had not truely learned to bowl. It was like cheating. I didn't like it.

So I went out and bought another nice new professional ball and I'm now trying to learn to bowl properly.


But, if I ever want to impress someone with an ultra high score...I just whip out the dead man's ball...

I took all the cheap balls out to my dad's place and shot them to pieces with my 30-30 just so they wouldn't get into the hands of an unscrupulous bowler.

I would hate to see some yahoo S.O.B win the PBA world championship by cheating with one of those damn things.

My father the "liberal"

My dad sometimes seems disappointed in me because I label myself conservative.

Ever since I could hold a conversation we would go round and round on economics, partisanship, affirmative action, welfare etc... All in good fun of course. He told me I should be a politician because I argue like one. I tried to take that in a good way.

Finally a couple months ago, he is ragging me about Republicans, Bush and conservatives and finally I stopped him and said " Dad, do you know who made me a conservative?"

Taken aback, he said " Who is it... I'll kick his worthless mother fuckin ass"

It's you dad.... Bullshit! he tells me, how could I make you a conservative?

I started naming things off the top of my head.

Dad is a self made man who never took a handout or took the special breaks offered to minorities.

Dad, never took excuses from me or from any of his employees. Show up to work sober, on time and clean and you will have a job and be paid a fair wage. Fuck with me and you are gone.

Dad told me war stories and how proud he was of killing communists and putting an end to Marxist imperialism.

Dad didn't give to charity, but instead offered a job to anyone who was down on his luck. He would give money to poor hard working families. Never to beggars or shiftless people.

Dad is intellectually honest, if a viewpoint goes against his long held beliefs he gives it due consideration and adjusts accordingly.

Dad helped engender my love of firearms collecting and target shooting but never pushed it on me.

Dad taught me that it's better to fight and lose than be forever labeled a coward.

Dad said America is one of the few countries with the morals and strength to take on despots and oppressive regimes without grabbing land or tribute.

I've always been proud of my dad, and the quality I value in him most is his total disdain and hatred for the establishment. He's not afraid of ruffling feathers and pissing people off.

He's never taken a bribe, kissed anyones ass, or been dishonest even when it could have made his life easier.

He has his problems, but I'm glad for what he is... even when we disagree.

Last words on why I carry

Your initial explanation of "why you carry" suggests that you have a single .22 caliber pistol with a clip that holds eight and an extra clip. This would be all you need in every concievable self-defense situation that would arise except for the ludicrously impossible scenario some might make up.

Scott: A .22 is a terrible choice for self defense, many people don't even realize they are shot when the adrenaline is pumping. I carry a small 5 shot .44 revolver. I've read reports of people thinking a .22 was a thorn or a sting until they got home and saw the hole.

You have already stated that you sometimes carry three weapons on you. You also own multiple weapons. You also enjoy shooting the crap out of a machine gun, you like reading gun mags sitting on the toilet... etc...

The three weapons is to keep them from being unsecured and getting into the wrong hands. If I'm going somewhere especially dangerous I might have two but rarely.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest you have a psychological attachment to firearms. A fetish, if you will... And I am also going to go out on a limb and predict you don't feel that way about your tire iron or fire extinguishers.

Shooting was the only sport I was any good at. Collecting came from an interest in history, the aesthetics and utility of firearms. I don't sit there and hug them at night. I haven't opened my safe in months.. no reason to, unless I'm going to shoot some targets. My carry gun is an ugly and uninteresting hunk of scratched up metal. My gun collection and carry guns are totally seperate entities.

So, like I said before, dishonesty is one of the hallmarks of the NRA's approach to keeping "your guns". Your guns are not for "protection". They are for your amusement. ONE small fire arm is for your protection, the rest... one can only imagine... My bet is that you are careful with these. Well that's good. But what about the nutters who aren't? An abundance of guns get into the hands of "criminals" because people own an abundance of guns and they get robbed or the patriarch dies and the kids divvy them up, etc...

My guns will be safely handled by my wife or children who have been or are being educated in their safe handling. If they are disposed of it will be by auction or gun shop.

Your desire to own
mutiple firearms is a statistical danger to society.

Statistically unproven, A Brady campaign lie. Defensive uses of firearms to ward off attackers do not get news coverage. Studies estimate that guns are used to ward off attackers at least 2.1 million times per year.The FBI crime reports and Centers for disease control (under gun banner Clinton) agree that relaxed gun laws do not lead to more crime.

I also metioned the tactic of slippery sloping an argument. The NRA loves to do this. You too, have incorporated this tactic into your argument. "Seven legislators in Congress" want to outlaw guns altogether... So? This implies what? That rational, Federal guns laws can't happen because seven might try and go too far? Silly.

Seven of the MOST powerful legislators Reid, Pelosi, Kennedy, Boxer, Shumer,Moinyahan, to name a few. Gun banning is their pet issue and they attempt to whittle away all they can. I'ts read it on CNN and MSNBC These are the movers and shakers and hold an enormous amount of power in our congress by heading up the major committees.

"If you look at gun control advocates worldwide, you'll see that their reasonable laws gradually became "turn em in or face jail" This has happened in Canada, Australia and Great Britain. They never had many gun crimes to begin with and many gun bans later they seem to have just as many if not more gun crimes."See... Here you try and turn an attempt at gun regulation into gun prohibition.

Typical NRA dishonest tactic. Reasonable Federal, uniform gun laws is not prohibition, and yet the conversation can't get out the gate because you change the conversation.

I'm not sure what reasonable laws you are talking about, all out bans are proposed and have been put on the table many times in the last 40 years. Some of which are still in effect today. I haven't seen any reasonable laws proposed in recent history,

And again you go back to dishonesty. Ask an Australian the effect the laws had. They WERE instigated because of a mass slaughter by guns incident, BTW...

And the gun confiscation did nothing to prevent gun violence. The governments assured gun owners that the "reasonable registration laws" were for their own protection, then once a ban was passed it was simple to go round up all the guns. this has been repeated over and over.

"Reasonable gun control. Really no such thing, Criminals don't obey laws, if there is a market for crime guns they will pour across our borders like illegal drugs do now."

Actually, your argument is like suggesting we should have no speed laws because "criminals" speed. So if the law gets broken, we shouldn't have it. What if pathological "speeders" all took up the argument that speed is a god given right? That "speeding" saves time and therefore is beneficial to society. They could bombard the Congress with money and lobbyist and pretty soon try and convince all that if we all "speeded", there would be less accidents.

Gun laws are like this, The speed limit on your street is 20mph, kids race at 80mph all day long, so the government lowers the limit to 15mph...who suffers? The cops are spread too thin and gun laws are rarely enforced, prosecuted and usually get plea bargained. The only people it affects are ones who care about obeying laws. Criminals interviewed in prison say they love gun control, it makes their profession much safer.

This is how ludicrous most pro gun arguments end up sounding...What you are really saying is that you have a gun thing and in spite of all the death and sadness surrounding gun availability in America, you'd like to keep your thing going...

You haven't proposed anything that will stop death or guns getting into the wrong hands. why should my rights be infringed because of what others MIGHT do. It's like taking away my car because of the 40,000 + traffic fatalities or banning alcohol because of the 180,000 plus booze related deaths annually....oh wait they already tried that one.

Some interesting quotes--"Sadly the ones who shouldn't carry do so without a license and the wackos who want to get a license won't be able to pass the screening"Gee, sounds like gun control at least partially working...

Nope, they carry one anyway after being denied a permit.

"I don't really desire to carry a pistol with me all the time. I'm not really a pistol guy. But seeing the horror in Virginia, I think now that I need to start carrying regularly."Gee, I see something on TV that scares me, and I need to add to the problem by adding more guns to the equation...

Why not, unarmed people were just lined up and executed. There have been 3 school massacres recently thwarted by armed teachers and students. They didn't get much coverage, good guys fighting back isn't as exciting as piles of bodies.

"The odds of your gun being used eventually to harm someone are statistically greater than on you being the heroic one who stopped a gunman. Don't you feel bad when your gun lobbying produces the highest rate of gun-related deaths in the western world? Why not? I know I would.

Our culture of violence has nothing to do with guns and everything to do with it being a divided multi-cultural society. Why should we be disarmed when faced with such terrible odds? Do you think throwing my guns in an incinerator is going to make me safe? What happens when I'm old and thugs want to kill me for my social security check? Should I just let them? Or should I have the best means of self defense at hand?" Should a 110 pound woman bebe forced to fist fight with 240lb rapists? Are dead victims morally superior because they took one for the greater good of society?

I have a feeling if that university was one of the ones that allowed concealed carry, that shooter would not have been able to run rampant like he did."Wishful thinking. The odds that a concealed to carry individual would have been on the scene, heroic, accurate, and not the first one shot (this boy planned this for a month. You don't think he would have marked the guy who carried?) are slim to none. ALl you are advocating is increasing the odds of innocents all over AMerican Universities from being shot by advocating more hand guns in public places. All you are advocating is increasing the risk of accident and crimes of opportunity and passion...

People who legally carry handguns have proven themselves 8 times less likely to commit violent crime than armed police officers. I've gone my whole life being decent and crime free and so have the MILLIONS of licensed carriers across this country. They just don't start going wacko because there is a gun strapped to their hip. This is proven time and time again when carry laws are relaxed. What makes a hunk of metal turn people into a lunatic... magic?

Many people who express the fears and want to legislate based of what people "might" do with their guns are usually afraid of what they THEMSELVES would do with gun on their hip and project that insecurity onto everyone else.

I don't appreciate being called dishonest. You can call me wrong or delusional but the voice you use to try to discredit is nasty and biting. I would hate to think you treat people like this in your day to day life.

Have you ever noticed that I don't personally attack people on my or anyone else's blog?.... I guess that's do to me being a selfish liar with a gun fetish.

Away for the weekend

Going out of town this weekend, see you next week.

I'll leave you with these:


Anna Nicole Buried


Liberal Oscars


Funny Cats


Funny dogs

Some more funnies

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Why I carry

When I was young, I was indestructible, I took chances and walked away mostly unscathed.

As I got older, slower and more established, I realized that there are people out there that have nothing better to do than cause others harm.

I've personally known four carjacking victims, two stabbing victims and many many more that had the shit kicked out of them for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've had two defenseless friends murdered in cold blood.

Since I adopted my kids, I found out running from trouble isn't as viable an option as it used to be and what if my kids are in the car and someone wants to carjack me?

I've had a knife pulled on me and I've been attacked by multiple assailants. I luckily was able to get away with just bruises. None of these attacks were provoked and were just random people wanting something to beat on or kill.

I've been attacked by large vicious dogs and have been fortunate to only puncture wound scars to show for it.

I don't feel indestructible anymore.

I also feel a responsibility to protect my family when we go out places.

Carrying a gun is a huge pain in the ass. Literally. The gun digs into my flesh, rubs me raw and is frigging awful in 110 degree heat. I would much rather not have to deal with the discomfort.

The licensing process sucks and the red tape is onerous.

I have many more legal responsibilities as a lawful carrier than someone who is not.

I still still carry a gun, not because I am an "NRA brainwashed coward" like some have accused me of, but for the same reason someone has a fire extinguisher in their home or a spare tire in their car.

Being prepared doesn't make me a frothing at the mouth gun nutter but it does allow me to provide for my own safety and the safety of others if need be.

.

I'll be damned if I'm going to allow myself and others to be helplessly slaughtered by some deranged maniac without putting up some kind of fight.

.

I hope I can go the rest of my life and not use a handgun against another human but if you put hope in one hand and shit in the other guess which one will fill up first...

I already know the negative feelings some have on this issue and I don't need to hear it rehashed. These are my personal reasons for being armed. Your mileage may vary.

Funny stuff

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: When is your birthday?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY! : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?!
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

#69

My best friend (Paul) was a strange guy, that's why we were friends. He was the first atheist I ever met and he was vehement about it. We got along well even though the guy was crazy and on the edge most of the time.

As we got older I noticed there was something missing from his life. He tried women, occult, drugs, nature, until one day he took off to Colorado to find himself.

He was a mess but he ended up with this severe ugly chick who took control of him and his weakness. After screwing him constantly for 6 months She then told him no more sex until marriage.

I expected him to say "fuck off " but Paul loved him some pussy and he just married her immediately, even though I knew he really didn't like her for anything other than the regular poontang.

Paul was in town to see his mother Betty, and he said he was going to stop by my house at six.

He showed up at eight and tells me "Hammer I lost two hours and I don't know where they went. We retraced his steps and did the calculations and he had indeed lost two hours.

Paul started quoting bible verses to me. I asked him why he was doing that and he said he didn't know but he felt compelled to witness to me and sign me up for Amway.

This was completely out of character for this heretic. I tried to humor him but finally I said dude, I don't want your religion and I don't want your pyramid nonsense.

He left, not on the best of terms.

I talked to his brother and he informed me that his brother had indeed lost two hours and was abducted by Jesus aliens and was never quite the same. Paul got hooked up with a cult that had all been abducted and converted to a charismatic Christian faith.

They accepted the aliens as their saviors and had prayer meetings out in the woods.

I'm wondering if the aliens were Amway distributors as well..

I got a few more letters from Paul. They were bible verses. Nothing else.

I never saw him again. He's living near Nantucket from what I hear and still unwilling to speak to my heathen ass even though I've sent my contact information through his brother.

I'm not sure what these Jesus aliens are doing, maybe it's some sort of miracle or grand mind control scheme by rogue Amway scientists.

We may never know....

Meme... why I blog

Katey tagged me to list the 5 reasons why I blog.

1. Actual person to person relationships have become really annoying and very disheartening.

2. I like telling stories and getting the cobwebs out of my mind.

3. I like making people laugh and sometimes think

4. I need to rant every so often so my brain doesn't explode and make a mess.

5. No matter how polite or rational I tried to be on the message boards, bulletin boards and Usenet discussion groups, trolls loved to call me a AmeriKKKan and neocon fucktard. I figured my own blog would help keep that stuff out.

Pyramid schemes or how to alienate your friends and family

I've been around multi level marketing schemes all my life. People tried to push them on my parents and then later on me.

Many of these are illegal, there has to be some sort of product involved, but the products are mostly just bait for the trap.

Basically, multilevel marketing is a big pyramid scheme. Little guys on the bottom pay their fees to sign up and sell some overpriced crap, then the profits and signup fees trickle upwards.

The goal of the little guy is to get as many suckers as he can to sign up with pie in the sky promises of fabulous riches so he can get off the bottom rung and start milking his own brood of retards.

The spiel works like this..someone says "I'd like to take you to lunch and discuss a great business opportunity." They show the double diamonds, the guys raking in 10 grand a month and pictures of mansions. All this can be yours if you sign here and write me a check for $250 to $1000 depending on how fast you want to move up.

If you do sign up, your "sponsor" will never leave you alone. "Hey I have classes for your success, a steal at $600 I've got these tapes and books for $150, How many people have you signed up" etc.. etc..

One time my mailman asked if I was interested in getting Amway products. Stupidly I said yes and signed up to buy them online. I told him I didn't want to sell I just wanted their soap.

Amway has damn good soap.

This mother fucker would not leave me alone, "where do you want to go with this huh? huh? I told him I wanted fucking toilet paper and soap and to leave me the fuck alone.

The sombitch would not stop. I stopped answering my door and changed my phone number. Finally I canceled my IBO buying account because I was a fresh turd and Amway was a swarm of hungry flies.

My best friend Gary is a sucker for this bullshit, he is also the laziest motherfucker I have ever known. Gary's dad Johnny has done every pyramid scheme on the planet and has bullied Gary into hundreds and thousands of dollars of fees for different scams that usually ended up in front of the Attorney general.

There was an MCI phone card one, one for "cheap" dental plans, one called "Excel" which "slammed" your long distance carriers and gave you a $100 per month long distance bill with no calls made. Amway, the grandaddy of the cock sucking vampire mother fuckers and now its Nu skin.

You know shit rolls downhill and since I'm the only one Gary knows, he tries to sell to me first.

I remind him that every failed MLM (muilti-level marketing) scheme he has ever tried has been illegal or total bullshit....Oh nooo... he assures me this one is legit.

It's like fucking scientology. Stick your hand in this meter and it will tell you that you need to buy my special $100 per month anti oxidant drink blend or you're going to fucking curl up and die like a diseased hamster.

Riggght.

I tell Gary, " That's nice but I do not talk to people, I hate people, how can I sign up people if I don't speak to people and think people suck bloated goat ass?"

Gary retorts with, "Well what about your family?"

"Oh yeah like I want to do business with those crooked broke mother fuckers?" I replied

Gary has been involved with Nu skin for 9 years. "How many people have you signed up Gary?" I asked innocently... Uhhh.. none" he mumbled under his breath...

He begged me to at least look at the products.

OK FUCKING FINE!

My son needed some soap for oily skin. I went online under Gary's selling code and looked up a bar of soap.

TWENTY TWO FUCKING DOLLARS! I about shit a chocolate donkey sideways. Is that for a fucking case of soap? Hmmmm nope... one stinking bar.

Gary called me up and asked, "you buy some stuff yet?"

I let him have it. I told him, "no wonder all those double diamond bitches are millionaires, they sell a 20 cent bar of soap for $22 bucks. Gary stammered "wwweelll it's really good soap."

I told him I don't care if the soap has rare extinct Condor jizz in it, fucking Clearasil is $2.19 at the HEB down the street.

I'm tired of being taken for a sucker.

Pyramids and MLM's are fucking sodding, goddamn, bullshit!

And you can quote me on that.

University shooting.

This whole thing sucks and now I don't feel like writing anything about anything at the moment.

Lawdog said it better than I could. Read it here http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2007/04/virginia-tech-shooting.html

Katey, I'll do the meme tomorrow.

Bits of wisdom and a quick hammer video.

When shopping for something mechanical or electronic always weigh each box in your hand and pick the heaviest one. Heavy=good and is more likely to have all the parts included.

The cubed and shredded cheeses in the deli may seem like a good deal but they were trimmed from the middle of a moldy block and re=packaged. Give em the sniff test if you don't believe me.

You can buy off brand Kahlua, it all tastes the same.

You can take a stale bag of chips spread them on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 5 min and make them as good as new.

All toothpaste and mouthwashes are the same. They all have the same ingredients Save your money and buy the cheap stuff.

A half a lemon dipped in table salt cleans counter tops better than most off the shelf products.

Always buy generic store brand medicines. Exact same ingredients half the price.

Don't take Tylenol if you drink. Bad combination for your liver. Remember, almost all cold medicines contain acetaminophen as well.

Remember to read something aloud before you hit the leave comment button. (I'm bad about it)

If you drink and blog and have failed to get the word verification correct more than 7 times in a row your comment probably isn't any good anyway.

The word "cunt" should be kept behind glass and only used in emergencies.

Links, new visitors and stuff

A few of folks have recently mentioned that they have linked me but I haven't linked them in return. I try to keep on top of these things but for some reason blogger won't let me into some profiles so I can visit your blog.

Nothing personal of course.

So if you would like me to add you to my sidebar links and come over and check out your place, drop me an email at bohab@hotmail.com or write out your blog address as a reply to this post.

Also, Dear Hammer is getting lonely, send him a question or problem that could use some advice.

It's time to grow a set and put on your big boy panties.

What is it with 40 year old children who are still afraid of disappointing their parents?

If by age forty you haven't established yourself as a complete loser fuckup or decently responsible self reliant adult then there is something seriously wrong.

I guess we can call it one foot in the nest syndrome. It must be like a frigging purgatory to be constantly afraid of what your parents might think about everything you say and do.

Worrying about what your parents think might be wise if you are still under their roof and not paying rent. However, If you are an adult, living on your own, married with kids and a job, cut the goddamn apron strings for chrissake!

For example, when I first got married, alcohol at family functions was not allowed. Their house their rules.

After a few years of this, we said screw it and had Christmas at our house complete with full bar. My father in law got drunk as hell and we all laughed and had a good time. My mother in law was aghast and gossiped to the whole family how awful we were.

From that point on, the genie was out of the bottle. Now we can drink at most family functions as long as the beverage is hidden in a plastic cup. It's like a wink wink nudge nudge rule. However don't ever set your cup down or the ever vigilant baptist patrol will dump a cup of single malt down the sink.

When we go see extended family, my wife's cousins are scared shitless of what their 65 year old mother might say if we tell poop and fart jokes over a can of light beer. They go hide behind the dumpster with their cigarettes and Budweiser like a bunch of teenagers.

Are they afraid that they will be grounded or not be allowed to move back home ?

I had to buy all the beer at the last family reunion because everyone was tap dancing around not wanting to be the one to go get it. Believe me, adult refreshment is desperately needed at these get togethers.

I'm not saying that I go to these family functions, get naked and dance with a lampshade on my head.

After the barbecue and the kids go off to bed, What is wrong with a little off color humor and an adult beverage? These are not the pathways to eternal damnation.

I know for a fact that these same people who are deathly afraid of mama seeing them with a beer used to snort coke off dead hookers.

Well maybe not that bad but you get my point.