#69
My best friend (Paul) was a strange guy, that's why we were friends. He was the first atheist I ever met and he was vehement about it. We got along well even though the guy was crazy and on the edge most of the time.
As we got older I noticed there was something missing from his life. He tried women, occult, drugs, nature, until one day he took off to Colorado to find himself.
He was a mess but he ended up with this severe ugly chick who took control of him and his weakness. After screwing him constantly for 6 months She then told him no more sex until marriage.
I expected him to say "fuck off " but Paul loved him some pussy and he just married her immediately, even though I knew he really didn't like her for anything other than the regular poontang.
Paul was in town to see his mother Betty, and he said he was going to stop by my house at six.
He showed up at eight and tells me "Hammer I lost two hours and I don't know where they went. We retraced his steps and did the calculations and he had indeed lost two hours.
Paul started quoting bible verses to me. I asked him why he was doing that and he said he didn't know but he felt compelled to witness to me and sign me up for Amway.
This was completely out of character for this heretic. I tried to humor him but finally I said dude, I don't want your religion and I don't want your pyramid nonsense.
He left, not on the best of terms.
I talked to his brother and he informed me that his brother had indeed lost two hours and was abducted by Jesus aliens and was never quite the same. Paul got hooked up with a cult that had all been abducted and converted to a charismatic Christian faith.
They accepted the aliens as their saviors and had prayer meetings out in the woods.
I'm wondering if the aliens were Amway distributors as well..
I got a few more letters from Paul. They were bible verses. Nothing else.
I never saw him again. He's living near Nantucket from what I hear and still unwilling to speak to my heathen ass even though I've sent my contact information through his brother.
I'm not sure what these Jesus aliens are doing, maybe it's some sort of miracle or grand mind control scheme by rogue Amway scientists.
We may never know....
Labels: true stories, Weird stories
posted by Bill Rowland @ April 17, 2007
38 Comments
38 Comments:
What is the significance of the #69 and why is infini so obsessed with mentioning it in comments to other posts?
The two hour time loss and Amway/Jesus explanation is quite a mystery. Did he claim this new religion was implanted that day he was late to come visit you during that two hour abduction?
JP: I alluded to this story on the 100 things about me. It just so happened to be the umbiquitous "69"
Paul didn't realize the abduction and the Jesus thing were related until he met several others that had experienced the same epiphany.
Jeez Hammer...I've had my share of colorful experiences, but yours rank a 10.0 on the Weird Shit-O-Meter!
Thanks for that explanation...I have limited retention of such things!
The time loss thing is something that mystifies me. I've heard people talk about it, not necessarily in conjunction with finding religion or household cleaning products, but definitely with UFO sightings and other weird encounters. The possibility of Amway being connected to alien forces from other galaxies could explain the rich success stories of people who are never seen except on Amway recruiting videos. The religious implications are even more baffling...
Well, if the satanic bible is published by Avon, I guess Amway can be the force behind woodsy Jesus aliens.
Is Paul's ugly wife into his new religion too?
I'm curious which bible verses he sent to you.
As if I did not have enough anxieties... now I have to worry about the Jesus aliens abducting me!
Well ... to be honest ... I don't think it has anything to do with "aliens". I think it has something to do with amway. This is the way they find people to recruit.
He may have passed a person, that in the moment they passed each other got "sprayed" a kind of drug in the form of gas, in his face. This will close his brain immediately for a couple of hours.
I had a student once, primary 1, who in the play-ground had this experience with a stranger coming up from the street, calling for him to come to the fence. He went up and immediately changed behavior. He looked "normal", but I had my hands full holding him back from running out of the school area.
It took two hours before he got normal again. He could not remember what had happened those two hours, what we had done in class or what he had contributed with.
My brother has had a similar experience too.
That's weird, but people are capable of amazing weirdness, particularly when religion is concerned. Go back and click on that guy on that last post of mine and check out some more of that dudes rants...
http://www.liveleak.com/browse?user=patcondell
He's got some scathing stuff to say about religion.
I had a friend in highschool who claimed to be an atheist. Was the first person I knew who openly questioed things. Was a nut, big titty baby, who ran off with the first chick who'd fuck him. Shocking at the time. What a dufus. Now I'm sure they've git a slew of rug rats. haven't seen him in over a decade. Cooze is about as toxic a substance as any drug, if taken in the wrong way or quantity, I guess.
The combination of flashbacks from the old days, an ugly wife and an Amway recruiter are definately enough to send anyone over the edge. I doubt you're missing much from losing that old friend.
It's funny - when I was given the Amway spiel I responded to the guy - sounds like church.
Being converted by stampeding evangelists makes you do strange things. They haul out the "great commission" to compel you to shove your faith down everyone's throat. And then there are people who get great enjoyment out of shoving their opinion down others throats.
Wow. I hope the group he's hooked up with doesn't decide to off themselves the next time a comet approaches.
"Jesus aliens"....we don't use those words (together) over here....does it just mean crazy christians? The brainwashing type? Wait a minute....are ALL Christians brainwashed...........?
Well, I hope Paul 'comes back' one day! Although if his wife was that ugly, perhaps he's better off!! haha.
that is downright strange. Is he still with his wife? I was wondering if she got abducted too.
AD: Yeah I get that a lot ;)
JP: I'm thinking they must all be inter-realted.
infini: I couldn't stand to read his rambling unibomber type letters they made me ill. My best friend may as well been dead at that point becuase I no longer knew him.
I'll have to find out what jesus amway alien ships look like so we know how to avoid them. ;)
kirsten: He may have been drugged, I never thought of that. He was glassy eyed and his personality barely recognizable. Good point.
FHB: That guy on the video was amazing. I'm already a fan. As for toxic cooze you hit the nail on the head my friend. I'm sure it's there to keep the world populated but it sure makes for messed up people.
kat: you're right. I think I was the main contributor to that relationship anyway. I'm probably better off.
Jeannie: There are many paralells, thats probably why he went wacko for both at the same time.
gunny: Knowing him, he'll be waiting for the comet with his nikes on.
kb: I don't have a problem unless they get all wacko and try to recruit me into their cult. I remember pauls wife was "au natural" with more body hair than me. He legs were so hairy I thought she was a man when I first saw her. White skin and thick black curly pubes all over her body she looked like a bigfoot.
janet: she was abducted too, I found out later.
By God, you are all crazy. Or you just enjoy writing weird shit. LOL
I find it hard enough dealing with reality without going into weird shit though. :-)
it's really interesting how people will turn to the bible when they are unsure of life and are bothered by not knowing the answers. I wonder if he's happy or not now.
Is this a true story Hammer? I am finding it hard to believe. But doesn't the LDS church believe in a planetarian heaven or something like that. You go to another planet before you got to heaven? Maybe this is a wacked out waaaaay off base break-away from the LDS church.
....if this is indeed a true story. It's not a joke...is it?
I've never met anyone who was abducted or claimed to be, however I try not to discount their claims on the off chance I am wrong... I don't want to piss off the abductors and have them come looking for me to prove a point. :D
I don't know which scenario I find scarier, being actually abducted by aliens or having some wacko spray a drug in my face like Kirsten suggested. I think I would rather take my chances with the aliens.
bbc: Yeah it's weird shit, thankfully I'm not around as much of it anymore.
m: He could never be happy, and would never allow his brain to overcome his testosterone and ego.
marianne: I'm not sure what really happened I just know he went bonkers and hooked up with people that believed they were abducted by Some christian aliens things. I'm not sure if I really want to know.
groovy: Me too, I try not to judge and keep an open mind, however I know that the human mind can play tricks and be manipulated and I take these events with a grain of salt.
Jesus aliens... that made me laugh.
Definitely a weird story.
I have never heard of the Jesus Aliens but I will have to pass that info on to hubby when he comes home. I am not a real religious person but we do attend church on Sundays and have bible studies in our home on Friday nights. But other than that Yikes.
I have never lost two hours in my life. I dont know how those cults do it but they tend to make you think you lost two hours of life. I hope some day he sees you were wrong and gets back in contact with you.
As someone who got out of high school and went to college in 1969, I have to say that he doesn't seem that weird to me; I remember a lot of dingbats like that guy. Of course, a lot of them are dead or locked up somewhere, but we could see that coming back then.
Everyone needs to have a super weird friend that has been abducted a few times by aliens masquarading as amway sales people.
This is how we figure out that we are indeed normal.
I have a few friends like paul.
Whatever happened to the ugly wife that liked to fuck?
I hear there are sperm whale worshipping cults in Nantucket that created the first ivory dildos to keep their wives content until they returned from their six month sperm whale hunts in the Northern Pacific.
you are a good.
I wonder which is worst an alien Jesus (sounds like blasphemy by the way) or amway?
Loosing two hours of your life is kindda cool though, it happened to me one night I was really hammered (no pun intended) with vodka shots.
Why did you call this post #69?
Wonder if Tom Cruise and his crazy alien scientology are the one's behind amway and the jesus/aliens. hehehehehe
Im wondering what Amway is -I guess I could google it and find out. Did the aliens do any like sexually orientated experiments?? Just wondering....
Mmmmmmmm, sounds delightful....isn't there a thing called "wax"? Guess she couldn't help it, but................
LOL. Holy crap (pardon the pun) that is some funny shit. Sorry you had to lose your friend though.
This is yet another one of your posts, where I want to comment, but can't think of anything to say. Dude, you attract even stranger folks than my older brother did.
snowmanpoop: Definitely!
tweety: I don't have a problem with religion at all unless it becomes crazy and causes one to lose their identity.
bobg: I guess I got a taste of the 60's lol
ryan: You always look at the bright side :)
pirate: the wife went crazy too I think she may have orchestratred the whole thing to get paul away from his friends.
cremiere: It was kind of blasphemous, I guess I was reluctant to talk about it till recently. I prefer to call memory loss while drinking "time travel:
This post came from #69 on the 100 things about me.
burfica: I bet they are in cahoots!
mutley: The jesus aliens gave communion with KY personal lubricant if that answers your question ;)
KB: She made a choice to go bohemian. She was a scary scary person. She never spoke one word to me and hated my guts.
carrie: It all worked out for the best, in retrospect my friend brought a lot of grief and worry and very little else.
jam: Tell me about it. I must give off a scent or something ;)
"but Paul loved him some pussy"
OK - just blew some iced tea out my nose right there. That's funny. Me likee.
You know in the case of at least 5 people I know there are shades and echoes of the story of Paul. What the fuck is UP with the cult shit these days, and why are people so easily taken in???
I talked on the phone with a guy from high school, and in between un-funny lewd innuendos and saying I was his "minion" in high school (Bull-fucking-shit - I've always been my own minion) - he managed to mention that when he saw me a few years after high school I seemed angry and not-focused and I was drinking beer - BEER! He went on to say that he wasn't being superior or anything but he genuinely prayed for me.
Well, uh, thanks.
Actually, that's how I responded, with the fake-bitch, overly-cheerful "THANK YOU!" and he just stopped right there. who the hell do people think they are, and why the fuck would he think a fun person like me would want to go to a heaven full of smug git pain-in-the-ass-es like him??? I just don't get it.
plegmy: I've had people come up to me I was going to hell because I'm a sinner but it's ok becuase jesus saves. I'm like cool thanks I'll keep that in mind.
good thing I was finished with my coffee before I came here, or it would be on its way out my nose by now...
The opiate of the masses, and the masses is asses. You can quote me.
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