Things hammer has learned not to do.
Hammer has learned not to:
Scratch my huevos after slicing up fresh jalapenos.
Take for granted that my Johnson is put away when zipping up my pants.
Have a coughing or sneezing attack while going pee.
Give a dog an enema from a drug store kit.
Eat anything in the dark without looking at it first.
Fart during a bout with the stomach flu.
Spit a loogie out my car window when going 70mph
Mix Vodka and root beer schnapps.
Change a diaper without a gas mask of some sort.
Try to pee with morning wood.
Use the beard trimmer while drunk.
Brush my teeth in the dark and grab the prep H by mistake.
Offer to help lift something heavy in a lesbian bar
Use the free condoms from the bowl at the lesbian bar.
Tell rat stories at the corporate office party of a restaurant chain.
Bring a GWAR CD to play at the Baptist family reunion.
Ever get left alone with the bosses nymphomaniac fiance.
Open the top and bottom drawer of a large filing cabinet at once.
Leave off the fan shroud after replacing a water pump.
Grab the spark plug when the lawnmower is running.
Go to a tuxedo fitting with a .44 on my belt.
Sing Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know at a Lesbian Karaoke party.
These are just a few of the silly mistakes Hammer has made in his lifetime.
I'm sure this will be an ongoing series.
Scratch my huevos after slicing up fresh jalapenos.
Take for granted that my Johnson is put away when zipping up my pants.
Have a coughing or sneezing attack while going pee.
Give a dog an enema from a drug store kit.
Eat anything in the dark without looking at it first.
Fart during a bout with the stomach flu.
Spit a loogie out my car window when going 70mph
Mix Vodka and root beer schnapps.
Change a diaper without a gas mask of some sort.
Try to pee with morning wood.
Use the beard trimmer while drunk.
Brush my teeth in the dark and grab the prep H by mistake.
Offer to help lift something heavy in a lesbian bar
Use the free condoms from the bowl at the lesbian bar.
Tell rat stories at the corporate office party of a restaurant chain.
Bring a GWAR CD to play at the Baptist family reunion.
Ever get left alone with the bosses nymphomaniac fiance.
Open the top and bottom drawer of a large filing cabinet at once.
Leave off the fan shroud after replacing a water pump.
Grab the spark plug when the lawnmower is running.
Go to a tuxedo fitting with a .44 on my belt.
Sing Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know at a Lesbian Karaoke party.
These are just a few of the silly mistakes Hammer has made in his lifetime.
I'm sure this will be an ongoing series.
posted by Bill Rowland @ April 24, 2007
38 Comments
38 Comments:
ummmm I have way to many questions about why the f**k you would be giving a dog an enema.
Okay now I really can't sit in my chair I'm laughing so hard.
try giving a cat an enema if you really want to have some fun...
Hammer, I'm intrigued. What the hell were you doing in a lesbian bar?
Ha ha ha ... Yes, I was also wondering why are you so often in a lesbian bar, though.
Burfica: Vet said I had to after de-worming... Awful disgusting chore and the dog didn't think much of it either.
jp: no thanks I've learned my lesson! ;)
lexcen and kirsten:
I was in a group of friends where the lesbians picked the bar. I couldn't look at the pretty ones for fear of being beat up by the big lumberjack ones ;)
where's the banner and profile pic? Did they move the hosting site on you?
This is a funny list for sure, but that photo is awesome. Reminds me of growing up in Louisiana. I saw stuff like that a lot.
jp: well crap.. it seems to come and go. I'll have to find a new host.
Jam: Same here with the lumber in the cars enough for it's own blog :)
I'm sure there are many more on this list that are entertaining to us, so I'm looking forward to the next list!
Yep, those and quite a few more.
janet: I'm sure I can keep the lists going for a while ;)
Dick: You know me too well ;)
Yes, baptists are not really known for their love of gwar!! :P
Stucco's list would begin with "assuming you've taken ALL the bags of crap out of the turkey, before throwing it in the oven"
Wow. You seem to spend a lot of time in lesbian bars. But you sing karaoke...so that makes it all okay.
Good times.
Giving the dog an enema...not so good times.
that was hilarious. thanks for sharing ;)
Yikes. I have never seen anyone have to give a dog an enama thank God. LOL.... Or ever beena lesbian bar for that matter and I know they exist here in town some where. But thanks for sharing. They are good though.
I learned years ago not to open all the drawers on a roll around tool box all at once.
Yesterday I learned that a Subway meatloaf sub will make my tummy rumble.
Now, where is the bosses nymphomaniac fiance?
The CD sounds like something interesting to play at a get-together of some of my LDS relatives.
m: Who would have known? ;)
stucco: Good one. I didn't even know they put all that stuff up the turkey's ass.
marianne: I wish I didn't but I'm stronger for the experience ;)
laurie: Thanks :)
Tweety: hopefully people can learn from my pain ;)
BBC: Yep same physics! I like subway but would never order meat from those booger eaters. The nympho bride to be was at the bachelor party. Bad bad combination.
Ha! I haven't read something that funny in this stupid blogosphere for awhile! Of course, everybody zero's in on the lesbians. So typical they are. There's only one way to pee with morning wood and that's sitting down and bending forward.....in my case, way forward.
Gotta learn the hard way huh? If you survive you generally do not need the lesson twice.
The list is funny enough left hypothetical, but to know you've actually done these things? And then admitted it...
You know you could do a post each for these. Inquiring minds want to know.
I've learned not to light a cigarette with fake nails. I learned to not let Adam pick out Zucchini because he always gets cucumbers.
Your "huevos"--hahahahahaha.
And I'd like to see a photo of you after using the beard trimmer while drunk...
I want more details! :)
Wow now that's a list! Great stuff. You Oughta Know is no worse than singing I'm coming out at a gay bar.
What exactly does prep H taste like?
OMG that's horrid, I would make the vet do it. lmaoooooooo
Don't try brushing your teeth with diaper rash ointment either. That shit's waterproof!
paulf: thanks for the advice, There are many types of lesbians, thanks for the idea for a post!
jeannie:I wish I could have learned hypothetically!
carrie: Good idea. Might get a little graphic though ;)
jocelyn:I hope it never surfaces I had to shave the whole thing the next morning.
mrsjosegoldbloom: Stay tuned :)
snowmanpoop: I could have got a lot of free drinks with that song lol. Prep tastes like numb.
burfica: these days definitely!
tshmom: Desitin, I saw my mom do that, it was funny as hell.
bobg: I bet it would go over like a lead zepplein ;)
Never make a baloney sandwich (for yourself) after rubbing down the wife with Ben Gay...even after you wash your hands thoroughly.
This was funny! I can't believe someone found your old banner offensive, why didn't they just move on????
I met GWAR in person, sans makeup and costumes backstage a few years back....
they are sooooo down to earth hammer, you woul dig them.
I think you must be one of the few men who have learned not to pee in the morning!!! It taked SUCH a long time!! =0
I have learned NOT to laugh with a mouthful of liquid......actually, no I haven't!! =D
jp: blech! I've done that too. Frigging awful.
infini: I've seen them play 5 times, each performance was amazing I'm jealous you got to meet them. :)
kb: I have to think of rosie O'donnel before I pee each morning. ;)
I have also learned not to eat anything in the dark without looking first... or at least smelling it and possibly giving it a lick before trying to gulp it down.
Let's see...
I once touched an electric fence with a wet stick to see if it would shock me.
One morning when half asleep I attempted to rinse my mouth with some green stuff that I thought was Scope, but was actually some kind of alcohol-based facial cleanser. Of course it was clearly marked, but like I said I was half asleep.
I once spilled some beer on the conveyor of a pizza oven and the fumes went straight to my head. Actually I think they went nearly through the top of my skull. I almost fell down right there.
yvonne: lol that can be said for a lot of things ;)
alan: lol thats funny, no wonder I get a buzz when cooking with wine.
yes, yes, I read the explanation, but I'm still reeling from how "dog" and "enema" can legitimately be used in the same sentence. yuck. LOL
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