Gone for the weekend.

Everyone have a good Labor Day weekend.
Keep submitting those captions for the post below.
We'll have a winner on Tuesday.
Here are some funnies.

Caption contest.

My 7 year old daughter walked into the office last week and asked to borrow the camera. I told her ok as long as she brought it right back. She did and I didn't think much of it until today when I uploaded the pictures onto the computer.

I thought it was a pretty good picture so I decided to have you guys think up a caption for it.

The best caption (picked by unscientific methods) will get credit for the submission on Icanhascheezburger.com and will get some sort of blogpost dedicated to them.

Winner:

moar funny pictures



moar funny pictures



moar funny pictures



moar funny pictures




moar funny pictures

Purse/pocket meme

I saw this meme the other day here

1.. Dump the contents of your pockets in a pile

2. Take a photo of the contents

3. Be brave and explain to your fellow bloggers what the contents are.

4. Find a story in the pile.

1. Describe the contents of your pockets. Wallet, Keys, flashlight, mouth guard, Taurus .44 Special revolver, cell phone

2. What's the most important thing in your pocket? Wallet.

3. What's the most embarrassing thing in your pocket? Mouth guard..I have to keep it there because the dog keeps finding them and chewing them up.

4. What's the smallest thing in your pocket? Lint?

5. Is there anything illegal in your pocket? The pistol in some places.

I started grinding my teeth in my sleep years ago so I was prescribed a mouth piece by the dentist. I chewed through the $400 one so I just started using the football/boxing kind they sell at the sporting goods store. They work just fine and only cost $1 each.

I'll pass this meme onto anyone who is interested.

Hammer takes on the Democratic convention

From the NY Times

DENVER — Senator Edward M. Kennedy, struggling with brain cancer, arrived on Monday night at the Democratic National Convention in a triumphant appearance that evoked 50 years of party history as Democrats gathered to nominate Senator Barack Obama for president.

Be sure to give a toast and drive Pelosi home.

Michelle Obama at a sound check on the stage at the Pepsi Center in Denver on Monday morning. Her daughters played in the background with her brother, Craig Robinson.

Shooting craps I suppose.

Mr. Kennedy’s appearance wiped away, at least for the evening, some of the tension that continued to plague the party in the wake of the primary fight between Mr. Obama and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I bet Kenndy is wiped if he thinks he can unite those two love birds.

The second part was designed to be an emotionally powerfully two-act evening: an appearance later by Michelle Obama, who began a weeklong effort to present her husband — and his entire family — as embodiments of the American dream.

More like a nightmare about higher taxes, reparations and urban decay.

“You see, Barack doesn’t care where you’re from, or what your background is, or what party, if any, you belong to,” said Mrs. Obama,.

Yeah he'll tax the shit out of you no matter who you are.

He knows that thread that connects us — our belief in America’s promise, our commitment to our children’s future — he knows that that thread is strong enough to hold us together as one nation even when we disagree.

Oh quit blowing smoke rings up our asses.

At the end of the evening’s proceedings, Mr. Obama appeared before the convention by video hookup, with his young daughters, Malia and Sasha, joining his wife on stage for what was clearly intended to transmit a loving American family tableau.

What the fuck is a tableu?

In an early taste of coming efforts to define Mr. McCain negatively, they attacked him for his ties to President Bush, his opposition to abortion rights and as being out of touch with the concerns of ordinary Americans.

I would think pretty much any millionaire career politician including Obama is out of touch with ordinary Americans.

“Republicans say John McCain has experience,” said Representative Nancy Pelosi of California, the House Speaker. “We say John McCain has the experience of being wrong.”

Oooh snap..you go girlfriend.. uh huh.. you done tole that cracka ass

Given the severity of Mr. Kennedy’s illness. He arrived at the convention site here shortly before dusk, accompanied by a flock of family members. He walked a few halting steps to a waiting golf cart, which drove him into the arena.

Why don't they just admit he was drunk off his ass ?

His white head of hair was noticeably thinned in the back; throughout the speech, he stared straight ahead to the front of the room. The crowd, many of them wiping tears from their eyes, cheered for close to two minutes until he settled them down.

Oh give me a fucking break. This guy is a murderer, a traitor and a liar.

“My fellow Democrats, my fellow Americans, it is so wonderful to be here,” said Mr. Kennedy, his voice booming across the hall. “And nothing — nothing — is going to keep me away from this special gathering tonight.”

Especially the free bourbon.

'There is a new wave of change all around us,” he said, “and if we set our compass true we will reach our destination — not merely victory for our party, but renewal for our nation. And this November the torch will be passed again to a new generation of Americans.

And that torch will be used in the upcoming riots to burn our cities.

“So with Barack Obama and for you and for me, our country will be committed to his cause.”
In an invocation of his parting remarks to the 1980 convention, when he promised that “the dream will never die” as he ceded the presidential nomination to Jimmy Carter, Mr. Kennedy declared, “The work begins anew, the hope rises again, and the dream lives on.”

Oh yeah Carter was a dream come true...

Mrs. Obama, in her speech, made a point of saluting Mrs. Clinton’s achievements.

Yep, getting away with murder, theft, contempt of court, perjury.

Mr. Obama, campaigning in Davenport, Iowa, said he had spoken to former President Bill Clinton at length earlier in the week and made clear that he welcomed Mr. Clinton’s role at the convention.

Clinton's role was to round up hookers for the convention.

Democratic leaders from across the country were assailing Mr. McCain, in a way that made clear that the convention would not be a replay of the Democrats’ genteel gathering in 2004.

So..they are going to act like assholes...situation normal.

“John McCain has spent more than 25 years in Washington voting against women’s freedom,” said Nancy Keenan, the head of Naral Pro-Choice America, “and has pledged to appoint justices to the Supreme Court who will overturn Roe v. Wade.”

So abortion is their preferred method of birth control? I doubt these women have ever seen a penis.

Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri said: “Know that this son of a single mom will stand up for the dreams of our daughters. And I know that John McCain won’t.”

Dreams of our daughters? Is he saying our daughters dream of getting abortions? That's just sick.

Some things to think about

Don't ever assume the race, sex or even species of a blogger until they post a picture. Even if their name is "Sparkle the Sapphire queen", don't go making assumptions about their plumbing.

Some visitors to your blog will leave comments that are 16pages long and ramble about the military industrial complex and how aliens are enslaving hooters waitresses. It's best not to respond or engage in dialog with such person...nothing good will come of it.

When waiting at a four way stop sign look over at the person waiting at the opposite side of the intersection. Now imagine the very stupidest thing that person could ever possibly do. They will not disappoint you.

The news recently reported that illegal aliens are travelling back across the border to Mexico in droves. It seems the slow economy and restrictions on access to social welfare for illegals is making it uncomfortable for them in the United States....Millions have left in recent months.The main concern in the article was the strain this exodus would put on the Mexican welfare and education system.

No I am not joking...the news was lamenting about how the poor overburdened Mexican government was going to be able to take care of all these people who had been residing in the US.

I couldn't sleep last night so I watched the biography of James Brown. Apparently this guy could do no wrong. Even though he constantly beat up his wives and girlfriends to the point of hospitalization, the writers excused it and attributed it to his mother abandoning him as a baby. Then they played sad music as they told of Brown's troubled childhood. This totally explained and pardoned his abusive and violent behavior towards women. I had to shut it off before I puked.


Oh well here's a funny.

Saving us from ourselves.

Why is it so hard to get through to people that prohibition does not work?

They banned alcohol with the 18th amendment. Soon after, many thousands were poisoned and blinded with fake booze spiked with various chemicals, organized crime went wild with illegal booze profits. Innocents were killed in turf wars, police corruption became rampant with the mafia payoffs to look the other way and get this...people still drank.

Substitute the word drugs for booze and you have the exact same story a few decades later.

What's even worse, is with the prohibition of guns, the criminal element has a monopoly on violence and everyday folks are rendered helpless. No lives are saved when innocent people are disarmed. Look at the gun crime rate in Chicago and Washington DC...guns have been totally banned there for decades and the death rate from shooting surpasses that of many third world shit holes.

But Hammer....some things are bad and dangerous and people shouldn't have them. Why not make laws banning bad or dangerous things? What about the children?

Take cigarettes for example, Cigarettes are bad for your health. No doubt about it. Imagine if congress and the president decided it was time to ban tobacco completely in order to save us from ourselves and force us to quit an unnecessary, dangerous and nasty habit.

Sounds good on the surface...good intentions, public health, lives saved right?

Not quite: There are 44 million smokers in the United States. You think that demand is going to go unfulfilled?

Tobacco and cigarettes would be smuggled in by criminal gangs and people would smoke in their basements or wherever they could get away with it. People caught with illegal tobacco would be sent to prison. Crime bosses get rich, the government fills our prisons with nicotine addicts and people are killing and being killed for a lousy carton of smokes or the street corner to sell them on.

It's time to face the facts. criminalizing the possession and use of inanimate objects is downright silly. Instead, punish people who hurt others with their irresponsible and dangerous behavior.

But that would make sense...

What men do.

There are three reasons a man will make a bed:
1. He is trying to get laid
2. He is in the military.
3. He is 35 and mom told him no more Warcraft until he does it.

Men will always try to throw something at the trash can because if they make it then they don't have to get up. If they miss, the next person can get it.

Farts are the poor man's WMD. We all have a little terrorist inside.

Men are like dogs, they have to smell things to understand them. Don't get in the way.

If you are the last female in the bar at 2:00am you are guaranteed a date..so leave at 1:45 if you know what's good for you.

Men don't cry. Our eyes water at inappropriate times.

Men are never too sick to go to work but are always too sick to do housework.

Men often refer to their belly as "table muscle" "Beer investment dividend" or "tool shed"

Men's eyes are involuntarily drawn to boobs regardless of what the boobs are attached to. It's a vestigial caveman thing. Either don't get angry or buy him glasses with boobs painted on the lenses.

Men don't like watching movies unless they have guns and explosions or dick and fart jokes or all of the above...are you listening Hollywood?

Wives and girlfriends...here is some advice: If your man is in the bathroom and says: "holy shit! Come look at this!" ...Don't! .....As a side note, don't let them take the digital camera into the bathroom either.

Men's and women's noses differ greatly. To a woman, baby poop is cute. To a man it's !awwwagrabbable! followed by dry heaves. If you want your husband to change a diaper, buy a gas mask or make a cologne soaked bandana he can tie around his face.

Sorry that name is taken

Hat tip to: http://www.vincentchow.net/

Not Safe for work!!!

Children's letters to the Democratic party

Children are especially interested in the upcoming election. Here are some letters received recently by the Democratic National Committee.

"Does everyone in my family move to Canada if Obama is elected, or is it just everyone on my Daddy's side?" - Henrietta, Age 11,

"How is my daddy going to get his money for retirement if Obama is going to take it all and give it to the cracker heads?" - Jenny, Age 10

"Does Obama only wear a turban when he visits his family in Kenya?" - Katherine, Age 13,

"I'm saving myslef for marage, Is Obama going to make me have sex with my girlfriend and smoke marniguana and cigarittes before I'm old enough? - Jonathan, Age 12

"I'm so scared of Obama! Is he going to bite my head off and feed it to the Puff Daddy like Momma says?" - Jack, Age 7,

"What is a half-breeded nappity headed comanist snoffabeach?" Gillian , Age 5

"Will Obama make my Daddy pay shaniqua more money to clean my bedroom? And can I still boss her around alot? I like it when she always calls me 'ma'am!" - Alison , Age 7,

"If Obama gets elected, is he going to let negroes live in my tree-fort!?" - Jimmy, Age 11,

"Does Obama think my daddy makes too much money? Is Obama gonna give daddy's money to Uncle Cecil so he can buy cracked cains? Mom says Obama wants to make her stamp her food, why??? - Nancy, Age 11,

"Dad's being saying this word lots when he reads about the Obama.... so What is a Knee Gar anyway? It sounds scary! Is it like a crocodile?" - Amy, Age 6

"Is Rushi Limbargh gonna stop Obama before he makes the white house secstion 8?" Todd, Age 9,

"Why does daddy cuss so much when Obama is on TV?" - Benjamin, Age 8

Critical thinking about the bomb

Since mid July, I have seen several television shows, documentaries, and have read articles and blogs talking about how bad and evil the United States was (and is) for dropping the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

The bombs killed as many as 140,000 people in Hiroshima and 80,000 in Nagasaki . Since then, thousands more have died from injuries or illness attributed to exposure to radiation released by the bombs.

Yep it sucks.

But look at it this way...the Japanese military leaders were prepared to fight to the last man. They were arming little kids with pointy sticks and were telling them that the Americans were coming to rape their mothers and eat the children for crissakes!

The proposed allied invasion of Japan had causalty estimates of 250,000 to 1 million Americans (low end) and up to 3 million Japanese.

In actuality the firebombing of Tokyo earlier that year had inflicted more casualties to the tune of 100,000 deaths (more than the Nagasaki bomb) and I don't see anyone bitching and moaning about that.

Even after the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings, the Japanese refused to surrender. The military even attempted a coup to prevent the Emperor from admitting defeat and surrendering for them.

Honestly, I don't know how anyone in good conscience can say that dropping the atomic bombs on Japan was a bad idea. It saved millions of lives that would have otherwise been wasted..needlessly in a long and bloody campaign.

Thousands more Americans would have lost fathers, brothers and husbands for no good reason other than the insanity and bullheadedness of the Japanese military leadership.

So that's it...all the historical revisionist bullshit out there was getting on my nerves and I needed to speak my mind.

Adding my two cents.

There has been quite a bit of controversy about allowing teachers to arm themselves in public schools. Critics say "blood in the halls" what if the teacher misses the attacker and hits another student..what if? what if?

Here are my thoughts:

A nutcase comes into school (a gun free zone) with a gun (criminals don't obey gun free zones) and starts a shooting rampage. Would you rather your child's teacher be helpless and just have to sit there and wait there for everyone to be executed or would you rather the teacher have an effective means of fighting back and protecting your child?

Most criminals are cowards. They only attack places with helpless victims. Do you ever see police stations attacked by crazed gunmen? They don't last long if they do.

What about training...what about it? Most concealed carry permit holders have more firearms training than a cop who maybe shoots a gun once per year for qualification.

What about a teacher going crazy with his or her gun?... Citizen permit holders are 8 times less likely to commit a felony with their firearm than an official police officer.

Forty states now allow people without criminal backgrounds or mental health issues to get a "shall issue" permit; which means the government can't just arbitrarily deny permits just because they don't agree with people carrying firearms.

These Forty states pretty much all passed their shall issue laws in the last 20 years. Each time a new state considers allowing qualified citizens to carry firearms, the critics scream "OK Corral! Blood in the streets! Minor Traffic accidents will become shootouts! Old west vigilante justice!

None of these situations have ever happened. Revocation of licenses is statistically insignificant and gun crimes by permit holders are virtually nonexistent.

The facts are on our side. Armed citizens have proven themselves to be safe, responsible, law abiding and well trained. What would make teachers any less capable and upstanding?

Teachers in Israel have been armed for quite some time and they have saved countless lives from crazed gunmen who were bent on killing innocent school children.

Don't our kids deserve the same kind of protection?

Musings

Celebrities... If you've known me for any length of time you know I'm not a media whore and I hold utter disdain for all things popular. I've come face to face with several celebrities and I ignored them like they weren't there. Even if I liked the particular actor, I wouldn't dream of bothering them.

The only exception was when I worked in a Bar where Augie Meyers was playing. I bought him a beer, shook his hand and thanked him for his music and that was it.

I'm so sick of hearing about the woes and poor decisions made by friends and family. You know, when I fuck up, I kick myself in the nuts, learn from my mistake and then I don't talk about it again. It's bad enough when I replay my screw up over and over in my head. I don't think that hashing it out for attention and sympathy is going to do myself or anyone else one iota of good.

These days when someone gives me shit, goes off on me, or does something that really pisses me off , I don't stew about it. I immediately take action and demand to be treated with respect. Life is too short for "I shoulda woulda said this or that'... just fucking do it. A coward dies a thousand deaths...That is about the truest statement I've ever heard.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone young or old...here it is...don't take no shit off nobody.

You might have to bide your time if it's a cop or a judge but you are better off standing up for what's right because getting the shit kicked out of you is usually a lot better than the inner turmoil caused by not doing anything. A predator can smell easy prey a mile away. Don't be a willing or compacent victim whether it be on the streets or in the bosses office.

Hammer's demented poetry

I've seen a lot of poetry in my blog travels. Being of the caveman ilk, I don't usually avail myself to the fruitier pursuits. However, I think I found a way to create poetry for the common man who proudly farts, scratches his nuts and guzzles beer.

Haiku

From inner sanctum
A mighty rumble echos
Dare I release it?

Limerick

Forty beer I did consume
Cans and bottles fill me room
A hairy belly hangs o'er my belt
A more manly odor you've ne'er smelt
If you'll excuse me now my drinking must resume

Monody

Tyrone Jackson didn't do nuffin
Law done shot him cause da crack he's puffin
Tyrone bees a star aflete n sheet
Dribbles dat bassaball on the street

His momma be cryin cause he was a good boy
He thought that glock be a cheap plastic toy
Tyrone be a scholar.. smartest of his kin
He be eighteen in the third grade again

So pour out some o dat malt liquor
For da homey who shoulda run quicker
He point dat gun when da pigs sayed stop
It's all good, we get to watch you on "Cops"

Monorhyme

As I sit on the cool seat of my crapper
A Field and stream magazine sits in my lapper
I'm trying to push but the turd is a trapper
Can't concentrate cause the dog is a yapper
If he doesn't shut up I'll give him a slapper
My poop just broke off... I call that a snapper
Forgot to buy paper I've got to wipe with a wrapper

Hammer's Jackpot meme

I've grown weary of the same old meme's floating around so I thought I would make one of my own. The basic premise is:

You just won the mega powerball jackpot to the tune of 150 million dollars (after taxes)

1. What would be the very first thing you would do? Pay off all my debts.

2. Where would you choose to live? I would move to a ranch in the country.

3. What kind of house would you live in? Two story 6 bedroom farmhouse with a large detached garage and workshop.

4. What kind of car would you buy? 1961 Chrysler 300

5. Where would you vacation? I would travel the U.S. in a deluxe motor home.

6. Would you have anything on your body fixed? Probably not.

7. What kind of hobbies would you engage in? I would build a large shooting range and a fully functional garage to restore old cars.

8. What charities would you donate to? Second Amendment causes and legal defense funds for those railroaded by the govt for procedural crimes. I would start a very low interest micro loan program for those who wanted to start their own small business.

9. Would you give money to your relatives? Hell fuck no... maybe in an iron clad trust fund that could not be raided or abused and there would be an accountant that would review and approve or veto any and all purchases by the beneficiary...my family is full of weak minded fools and spendthrifts.

10.Would you run away from your current life? Nope.

11. Would you continue to work? I might start a business dealing with antiques and historical artifacts.


12. Would the money change you in any way? It would make me participate in the outside world more.

I'm not going to tag anyone specific but if you would like to do this meme just drop me a note or comment and I will come check it out.

Common or uncommon sense.

Kelly was writing about common sense with this post.

This sentence got me to thinking:

"That's what I think is happening to common sense. It's dying out because not enough people are having the kind of life experience that makes it common in the first place."

It does seem that fewer people have common sense these days.

Where does common sense come from and where is it going?

The first type of common sense is genetic. I think they used to call it horse sense. An innate form of intelligence and ability to put a sequence of events together before they happen and make the appropriate decision based on limited information.

Example: You are loading your car about to go on a road trip and you see a weird bump on the side of your tire. You know nothing about tires but you take it to the local gas station to get it checked before you get out on the road a hundred miles from the nearest tire store.

That is common sense...and it's rarer than hens teeth. I know most of the folks that read and comment on this blog have at least some of this virtue or you wouldn't have come back after the first visit.

The next type of common sense is what I call: life experience with extrapolation.

Example: Walter is a lazy fuck who procrastinates and doesn't pay his electric bill. Then when the warning letters arrive he doesn't take them seriously and decides he has plenty of time to procrastinate some more. Walter is surprised when he wakes up late for work because his power has been shut off and has to jump through a bunch of flaming hoops and miss more work to get his service reconnected.

All of the sudden, a light bulb goes on above Walters head and he realizes that paying the electric bill is not optional and eventually bad annoying things will happen if you neglect this duty.

The extrapolation part is when Walter looks over at his desk and sees all the other bills he's been neglecting and decides to take care of them too so they don't shut off his phone, cable and Internet.

I bet if you've read up to this point, you are saying to yourself.."well no shit Hammer nobody could be that dumb."

Au contraire. I've met many many people that fall into the next category.

This type I call...you were born without the part of your brain that allows you to learn lessons.

Example: (true story) Maria likes to go out and party after work. Alcohol affects her more than most people and she always ends up stumbling and yelling and making an ass out of herself after two drinks. She insists on driving even though she can't walk, talk or find her car.

Needless to say, she is arrested for drunk driving. Her family posts bail..and that same night she borrows her husband's car and goes drinking, gets falling down stupid drunk and once again gets arrested.

The judge feels sorry for her..she is college educated, articulate, very attractive, has two young children, a good job and a family that will vouch for her. He puts her on probation, gives a verbal warning and approves a provisional drivers license that allows her to go to work.

That night. She goes out and repeats the same behavior and is arrested once again. Her husband begs her to go into an alcohol program and the judge mandates that she stay out of bars and go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcohol is not the problem. If it were booze she could get wasted on the couch in front of the TV no problem...the problem is Maria has a brain not unlike a broken record. This behavior could manifest itself with abusive men, shopping debt, gambling, embezzling etc...

Just so you know, Maria was arrested 18 times in two years for the exact same thing. The judge got tired of it and sentenced her to 4 years in prison. she lost her family, job, home, everything.

Guess what she did the night she got out of prison?

I guess to sum it all up..some people are born with sense, some have to learn from mistakes and some will never ever have a clue even if you beat them over the head with a clue bat.

The Hurt Locker

Flyinfox asked me to co-author The Hurt Locker . I'm honored at the invitiation. It's mainly for ripping on the crap in society that many people gloss over.

We take everyday issues to the woodshed and whoop the shit out of them.

If you get a chance go check it out.

The anniversary was great. I got my wife a 20 inch flatscreen monitor, 2 dozen pink roses and a subscription to netflix. I got some cool cooking gear, some new shirts and a big glass paperweight with a jellyfish inside.

This made my day.

Blogging tips and tricks updated

I've been doing this blog thing for a couple of years now. I don't talk about it or even mention it when I'm offline. When cornered, I just say that I talk to people through the Internet and we share stories and recipes and stuff. Part of the reason is, I don't want to have to explain to people why I do it and the other reason is I don't want them reading my shit. Plus, recent commercials are now invoking blogging like it's some pop culture thing and they make it sound really gay.

Right now, I read or try to read about 120 blogs and I add or delete about 2 a week. I enjoy the interaction because honestly I don't get out much anymore. With taking care of the kids, trying to save money and the price of gas, blogging is now my window on the world and a way to meet friends.

I do consider many of you guys friends.

I would like to share some of the things I've learned about being a blogger and running a blog.

There are no hard and fast rules but if you want to increase readership or get your message across, there are a few things you should and should not do. I've learned these from experience.

1. Make sure your screen name links back to your blog. If you are commenting and someone likes what you have to say, make sure they can find your blog with a simple click. I cannot tell you how many times I've searched through a list of blogs that haven't been updated in 3 years to try to find the right one...some folks don't even link their name to their blog and then get all huffy when I don't visit.

2. Enable feeds in your blog settings. Most folks who read a number of blogs have a feed reader. It tells me when you have a new post for me to read. It's really hard to keep track of bookmarked blogs and checking them constantly for new content is hard work. When you don't have feeds enabled it really cuts down on your readership.

3. If you start a blog, the only way to get new readers is to visit blogs that fall into your realm of interest, make good thoughtful comments and be patient. Don't go into someone's blog and link your own blog in the comments unless you have a post that fits in with the topic at hand..even then it's not always good manners.


4. Recognize that there are some bloggers out there that do not comment. If you like the blog, just read, comment and don't expect them to ever acknowledge your existence. Don't get your panties in a twist over it. That's just how some motherfuckers roll.

5. Try to link blogs and posts you find funny and interesting in your own blog posts. People like to be acknowledged. They also appreciate the sentiment and free advertising and may return the favor.

6. Don't get into a pissing match with other blogs. If you disagree with something they wrote, state your reasons politely in the comments and leave it at that. The worst thing you can do is post something that trashes another blogger. You will alienate too many people and get a reputation as an asshole.

7. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. You may step on a few toes but people would much rather read a strong definite opinion than read about puppy foo foo for the umpteenth time because you are too concerned about hurting people's feelings.

8. If you want to place ads on your blog fine...but do not have pop up windows, adverts that change you to a different screen and other annoying bullshit. It just makes reading that particular blog more trouble than it is worth.

9. Begging for money...now this is where it gets tricky. If you want a tasteful little box up in the corner for donations..that's fine...some folks need money for bandwidth, some need it to buy substances that make them more creative and some are just grubbers. Don't be a grubber.

I'll tell you what...as soon as someone puts the tag: "gimme two dollah for a cuppa" on each blog post. I hit the delete button. What the fuck is a cuppa? Why would I want to give you money for one and oh yeah... how about a big hot steaming cuppa shut the fuck up.

10. Don't take yourself too seriously. It's just a blog for crissakes.

GuyK: brought up a really good point : "Another is that many people will not wait for a cluttered site to download. Sites that take more than a few seconds to show on my screen I just click off."

This means tons of HTML, music, large pictures, animations and I don't recommend showing more than a week of posts on one page.

Weeekend mini-rant

I woke up this morning to read this: Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will be right in the middle of his sensational, highly publicized run on Broadway in the play, "Equus." Radcliffe appears naked in the play, on stage, ......about blinding horses and having sex with them

You know guys, I wasn't a big Harry Potter fan but over the years, the series grew on me. You get to like the characters. Plus, a whole generation of kids are growing up with the hogwarts gang. So..now the Harry Potter kid decides he doesn't want to be typecast.

What? Did he just wake up one morning and have an epiphany? " Oh gee I know what will cure me of the Harry Potter curse!" I will get nekkid, stab out a horse's eyes and skull fuck it on Broadway! Yippeee!"

Brilliant...Now instead of being know as the brave and noble boy wizard, you will be known as deeply disturbed horse fucker. .....................................................................................................................................................
Wife of Televangelist Joel Osteen is sued for allegedly assaulting a black female flight attendant.

According to court documents, Brown claims that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident and said her faith was affected. She is also suing Osteen for medical expenses for counseling. Brown wants an apology and wants to punish Victoria Osteen with punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of her net worth

So this woman was hit so hard that it exploded her anus and knocked out her religion gland.?

The people sitting right there in first class saw or heard nothing of the supposed assault that allegedly happened mere inches away from them.

I wonder if Brown is related to the stripper in the Duke rape case.

Mercifully, the jury called bullshit and sent the lying bitch packing.

Speaking in code.

I'm really terrible with names and proper nouns, to the point where people get offended when I can't remember what to call them. I've learned to compensate somewhat either by repetition or just avoiding names all together. It must of been all the dope my parents smoked back in the 60's that addled my embryonic brain.

So these days when talking to my wife, I use my own code words when trying to describe something to her and she usually knows what I'm trying to say.
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Hammer: Hey, lets go to that place with the good asparagus.

Wife: What place is that?

Hammer: You know...uhhh I think it's called dickhead marys or something.

Wife: you mean P.F. Changs?

Hammer Yeah that's it.
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Wife: Did anyone call for me when I was gone?

Hammer: Yeah, cock eater called but I told him to try you on your cell.

Wife: Cock eater number one or number two?

Hammer: The one with the drug problem.

Wife: That would be my brother Jeremy

Hammer: Yeah cock eater that was him who called.
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Wife: do you want anything from the store?

Hammer yeah..ummm can you get some of those crispy ass nuggets?

Wife: Our store doesn't sell them. Do you want me to go to the Walmart?

Hammer: Shit.. just get those smokey butt plugs and I'll put barbecue sauce on them and make do.
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Wife: Where should we take junior for his birthday?

Hammer: Hmm is Kneel and Bob's still open?

Wife: Dave and Busters? That place is expensive.

Hammer: Yeah you're right, how about Dildo Babes? You know the one with the vermin..

Wife: Isn't he a bit old for Chuck E Cheeses?

Hammer: Shhh he doesn't know that.
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It's our 17th wedding anniversary this weekend. We went and had sushi last night and saw Batman. Tonight We'll probably have the nephew watch the kids and we'll go see a movie, then to the martini bar for some live music and cigars.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Tagged again naturally.

Maddy tagged me to list 6 quirky things about myself.

Since there are so many I'm happy to oblige.

1. I'm constantly patting my pockets for wallet, keys, etc.. I lost my wallet too many times when I was young and now I'm paranoid.

2. I'm really good at the ring toss and have won the gigantic prize at the midway several times.
Note: winning a huge stuffed bear early in the day really sucks ass.

3. I can't stand to break a fried egg...it goes immediately into the dog bowl and I start over.

4. I can talk my way out of 99% of life's predicaments.

5. I carry a .44 caliber pistol for the 1% that cannot be reached.

6. After a lifetime of being lied to, screwed over and or back stabbed by nearly everyone, I let very few people get to know me.

This month's "Things that piss me off"

What the fuck good is a prius or any other hybrid for that matter if you are going to paint flames down the side of the sombitch and drive around like your gas pedal has two settings...on and off.

What? You getting about 7 miles per gallon out of that thing? Then I see you at the stoplight glaring smugly at my SUV. You know what? They are going to be scraping that snotty ass look off of the underside of an 18 wheeler when you plow under it at 90mph while chatting on your cellphone about how superior you are for going green. Dickheads.

Here in the states we drive on the right side of the road..that's just what we do. I also expect people would use similar logic while walking in the mall or pushing their cart's through the grocery store...nope that's just too much to expect. I've come to the conclusion that I'm surrounded by the walking braindead; idiots that shuffle around mindlessly with the sole purpose of blocking my way, wasting my time and pissing me off.

I was at the grocery store recently and I ended up in line with a cashier who had his pants hanging down below his ass cheeks. This asshole had red underwear and it looked like a fucking baboon's ass. I was dumbfounded. Then the bastard gave me the hard stare and kill whitey go to hell look.

Since I had the kids with me I didn't make a scene. I called the manager from the parking lot. He started making excuses about him forgetting his belt and that Le Tyronell is really a good boy and he wouldn't do anything like that.

I don't normally go off on people but this time something in my head snapped. I told the manager: Your piece of shit gangbanger cashier exposed his entire red calvin klein asscheeks to me, my children and the 90 year old lady behind me. He also glared at me and did not speak during the entire transaction. If you don't do something about it I'm going to your general manager and to corporate. The phone went silent for a second, then the manager started sputtering...he didn't speak to you...well that's unacceptable... I'll get right on it.

Yeah whatever...The manager was probably afraid of confronting LeTyronell and getting his ass capped on the way to his car at midnight....

The world today.

The Olympics. Bleh...The Chinese governement is full of backwards thugs that are 1000 years behind on human rights....did you see how they thought it was perfectly ok to have a "more attractive 7 year old lipsynch their national anthem because the 7 year old with the great voice was too ugly? Screw them and screw the people who cater to and excuse such vile behavior.

Russia invades Georgia....I guess they had to invade before the region joined NATO. Putin and his puppet president...just more common street thugs in expensive suits who use force to take what they want but only when they are sure there is no chance of losing.

Large groups of wild subhuman animals are roving and attacking innocent victims for no particular reason. The police chief says "It is part of the culture of the summer," Adams said. "We get large groups coming to the Loop. We want people coming to the Loop to be gentlemen and gentlewomen."

What the fuck? what planet is this dickhead from? since when is roving bands of violent criminals a culture of summer? Sadly this is the 4th report this week of large groups of "ethnic youths" randomly attacking and killing innocent people in our larger cities. There was a big one in Canada as well.

I have an idea! Call in the National Guard and put these suckers down like the rabid animals they are.

Random stuff and a recipe

Kitem was very kind to send these awards my way. I'm honored to receive them.I'll have to think of some folks to pass them on to.

In other news:

Chula seems to be fine with the new puppy. I'm trying to get Marvin to stop acting like a dick, he gave rusty a lick and then bit his leg...hard The pup is ok. I've been reading some methods on how to introduce a new dog so I'll be trying that tomorrow.

Looks like the squirrels finally packed up and moved on. Maybe the smell of a new dog along with my sniping skills were enough to drive them away. Thanks everyone for the rodent advice. I wasn't about to start feeding them because that would be like paying vandals not to spray paint shit on my walls. I'm more Winston Churchill than Neville Chamberlain when it comes to dealing with the little furry criminals.

My wife is on vacation again this week. I know I say that a lot but she gets 7 weeks each year. Next year she gets another week added to that for 25 years with her company. I think they let her pick out something from the company catalog too.

Here is my recipe.
I call it the Beaner omelet because I think racial epithets are funny especially when they are aimed at myself.

This serves 2:
4 large eggs
2 heaping tablespoons of your favorite salsa
4oz of grated cheddar or mozzarella cheese
1 cup of browned and crumbled sausage
1/2 cup of cooked pinto, ranch style or black beans.
1/4 tsp salt

Beat the eggs, salsa, half the cheese and sausage together and pour into a well oiled nonstick skillet over med heat. stir well then cook until the eggs are nearly done then add the beans. Fold the omelet over and add the rest of the cheese to the top and remove the pan from the heat. Cover and let the residual heat finish the eggs and melt the cheese. You can serve this with warm tortillas.

My son and I went to the movies to see Step Brothers. I swear I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It takes something really funny for me to bust a gut in a movie theater. It's a lot of silly, crude and juvenile humor. The movie is about two 40 year old losers who live at home with their respective single parents...the parents meet at work and get married..they all move into one house and the hilarity ensues.

This movie clip is not work or kid safe

More on the homefront

As you may remember, I was having a squirrel problem a couple months back. The good news is they have vacated my attic..bad news is they are ripping every leaf off of my big backyard shade trees and drinking the sap out of the thin green shoots.

I walked outside and these 4 inch pieces of tree were floating down at a rate of 3 a minute.

I looked up and the damn squirrels were going to town munching away on my tree and the only leaves left were on the flimsy branches they couldn't crawl to. My yard was littered with their discards. Needless to say, I was pissed.

A couple months back, I had purchased Daisy powerline 1000 as my squirrel killer

Unfortunately, it was upstairs in my gun room. So I grabbed the Red Ryder out of the pantry and started going Chuck Conners on the little sons of bitches. They were hopping and jumping around pissed off as hell as I pelted them rapid fire with BBs.



I went and got my more powerful pellet rifle and waited for the tree rat bastards to return. Sure enough, I saw another tender shoot from my precious tree floating down, so I aimed up and pow! Shot the little mother fucker! He ran into the neighbors yard I didn't see whether I sent him to the happy nutting ground or not.. I really felt kind of bad after that. I had never killed anything on purpose before. But I rationalized that I was protecting my property from being ravaged by the little varmits, so don't hate me.

So now every morning, the girls make me a pot of coffee and I lay on my back on the back steps and snipe the squirrels out of the tree. They are getting a lot smarter and a lot harder to hit. Everytime I feel guilty, I just look over at the two 55 gallon trash bags filled with the pieces of tree they have destroyed.


Then on Friday afternoon my wife comes home with this little guy.



He was sitting on the hood of her car with no collar or tags. So she brought him home in a tote.

She had already named him Rusty so I figured he was already ours. He is a 12 pound Chiuhaha mix about a year old. He's a good dog but Marvin is not a happy camper. I'm having to keep him from kicking rusty's ass.

Here are some funnies

My most offensive post to date

Anyone else notice that the dumbest, clumsiest most inept creature on TV these days is the male father figure? He always has a stupid scheme that causes trouble, he is always fucking things up, his kids and wife constantly insult him and treat him with less respect than an unflushed toilet grumpy. The commercials are worse...The regular Joe gets told how stupid he is by nearly everyone. It looks like there is something going on in Hollywood like white male guilt and self hatred by the pussies trying to brainwash us into submission.


When is the last time you saw a minority or a single mom get portrayed as an idiot on a commerical or sitcom? ...yeah me either.


I make it a point not to watch too much celebrity TV but I do like cooking shows because I learn a lot from them. I've noticed that my favorite food shows are starting to bring celebrity guests on to help cook...Paula Deen recently had Rosie O'Donnell on her show. It was fucking disgusting.

After they finished giving each other mutual rim jobs they started cooking. . Julia Childs would have chased that commie bitch out of her kitchen with a carving knife in one hand and a rolling pin in another..god rest her soul.


Then they bring the flamboyant fashion fags onto the next food network star and sure enough the flaming fudge packer starts rubbing up on one of the male contestants, mussing his hair and making sexual comments about his ass...C'mon! Enough already! I'm fine with celebrity pole smokers as long as they don't fucking dry hump everything on the set and make me lose my appetite. Folks like Ted Allen I'm fine with. He is as queer as a three dollar bill but he has composure, class and knows his shit...so to speak.

Why can't we go back to a time where we could say what we wanted, tell dirty jokes without having to look over our shoulder and drink three martini's at lunch if we wanted to? People these days are afraid of saying anything for fear of offending someone..anyone who might sue for discrimination.

Back when I first started working..some asshole would walk into the office and say to the secretary..."nice tits honey" she would either say "thank you" or stand up and kick him squaw in the nuts. Problem solved.

Used to be when two dudes got into a pissing match they took it outside and traded punches until one of the dudes had a change of heart...then they shook hands and went to a titty bar.

Now whenever some candy ass has a tiff with another employee he goes out on work related stress leave and sucks the corporate welfare titty instead of the stripper titty. How is this better?

Our country has become civilized to the point where it resembles a big gaping undouched vagina with PMS and a yeast infection.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

From the WTF files

I was brushing my teeth this morning and I walked into the bedroom where the kids were watching this thing sing and dance on TV. It's a fucking bumpy dildo man. Am I the only one who sees this? What message are these people on PBS trying to send? Look at dancing one eyed knobbed for your pleasure dildo cock man! Watch him bounce up and down...sheesh WTF?

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15 year old is 462 pounds and thinks eating will kill her.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,395841,00.html

In an average day, she eats several processed ready-made meals, several sandwiches, peanuts, sausages, chips, chocolate and chunks of cheese — washed down with bottles of Coke or milk.

I don't want to sound like a cruel and unsympathatic blogger, but She is 15 years old for chrissakes! Stop buying shit and make her a fucking salad! Her mother needs to be horse whipped for making this food available. Un-fucking-believable..how does this even get on the news? WTF?
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Mexican soliders hold US border partol agents at gunpoint...IN THE UNITED STATES

http://washingtontimes.com/news/2008/aug/06/soldiers-cross-into-us-hold-guns-to-agent/

Since 1996, there have been more than 200 confirmed incursions by the
Mexican military into the United States.

Ok... who the fuck's job is it to keep the Mexican Army out of the United States? We need our troops down there NOW with Abrams tanks, A10 warthogs and shitload of ammo. Where is Blackjack Pershing when you need him? WTF!!

Disturbances in the blogforce

I've dissected the blogosphere before here here and here and I thought I had pretty much covered it all. Apparently not.

Honestly I'm a pretty conservative person overall. I might sprinkle profanity here and there or talk about weird family stuff, but I think pretty much everyone here knows what to expect from me.

Sometimes I'll click on a recommended link or go check out a new commenter's blog and it will completely disrupt my brain functions. I want to be polite and leave a comment, but for the first time in my life, I'm at a total loss for words.

I'll read it a second time thinking maybe I skipped a punchline or the part where they dropped the LSD but usually to no avail.

Let me give you an example.

"Well I was totally like colonic irrigation you know! Woooo! It was like snowflakes! I didn't know he was into purient pet catalogs shazam! It was completely fergilicious...you know what I'm sayin?"

I scratch my head and wonder if it's some kind of secret code.

Then someone will invite me to their blog and when I visit there is an "artsy?' pic of a woman with her legs spread wide open and the blog entry goes like

" then he stuffed the can of creamed corn into my quivering mound of love jello"

Sorry...I'm not hungry anymore. click!

Then there's the folks that read that I'm a free thinker, vegetarian and automatically assume I'm some hippie dippy peacenik Barak Hussein Obama koolaid drinker.

"we must stop this unjust war at any cost..I would rather they kill me and my family before I would raise my hand in anger to take another human life. When they rape and torture it's Bush's fault be cause he oppressed them."

When I read shit like this it makes me glad I have a trash can handy so I can puke in it.

What's going on inside my head.

I'm getting over this cold but the sinus part is making it impossible to sleep. As soon as my eyes shut I start choking like some sleep apnea thing is going on. The doc says I have adult onset asthma as a result of the pneumonia I had last year and it's fucking with me pretty hard. I have an inhaler but it doesn't do shit.


Fuck it...passing out from an asthma attack is almost as good as sleeping.

My niece just graduated from college and was hired for a fantastic job with a really good company. The stupid bitch just went out on disability with some fake injury that her quack doctor is prescribing her major painkillers for. She's 25 years old and has been on some kind of narcotic medication since she was 17.

Now her job called and said she might not have a position when she comes back. So what does she do..she went to a water park and rode the rides with this supposed "neck injury" and just planned a trip to Disney world when she's not even sure she has a job. I knew this was going to happen. My niece has been pulling scams with every job she's had and has been let go from 3 really good companies. I'll tell you one thing..this conniving bitch isn't getting any more help from me.

I told my wife to quit telling me gossip or family news that will upset me. Despite the happy go lucky attitude I usually display, bad news regarding people I know and their stupidity puts me in a foul mood. The wife can just let it go but I take my grudges seriously.

You know what really pisses me off ? Someone who bitches about their car being broken but then buys $1000 worth of video games and cries about not haivng any money. When I say shit like.."well motherfucker why do you waste your money on stupid shit instead of taking care of business" They just look at me blankly and call me an asshole.

Maybe I am an asshole but I'm a realistic asshole that doesn't want to hear about your self imposed misery.

I should just make flashcards for all my relatives when they start their shit with me

They would read:

I told you not to marry that bitch

You shouldn't have called in sick 14 times if you needed that fucking job.

If you're broke, why are you drinking an 8 dollar starbucks ice smoothie mocha crappacino?

No. I don't want to go buy you some cocaine.

I told you not to marry that bitch.

I told you your son would still jack off to animal porn even if you moved the computer to the hallway.

Yes Virginia, a case of budweiser each day is alcholism

You forgot your meds today didn't you?

I told you not to marry that bastard.


Anyway, sorry I haven't been visiting and blogging like normal I'll spend this week catching up with everyone.