Music that makes my brain hurt

Whiny guy rock: High pitched nasally vocals, basic guitar rock cords (toned down for future muzak conversion) and greasy, unshaven mama's boys round out this class of music. They snivel and whine about their girlfriend leaving or the hangnail they got last Tuesday. These poseur assholes sound exactly like a million other bands with nothing to say. Some just have better management.
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Reborn crooner It's really fashionable these days to remake other peoples music. Usually a has been tries to get other has beens together and do some old Vegas dead crooner bullshit. "YAWN" Sinatra and Dino could pull it off, but that's becuause they kicked ass. Luckily for these fuckers there are a bunch of old ladies that get sucked into buying this re-manufactured silly bull shit. (Cough) Rod (Cough) Stewart.

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Has beens: They rocked in their heyday, sold millions of records, played to sold out shows. Now twenty, thirty, or forty years later they are rich, sober, married, and have absolutely nothing to sing about. /Singing/ Oh yeah baby, I'm so rich, and I married a supermodel woo wee my life is great ha ha... Give it up has been. Nobody wants to hear that shit. I'm of the firm opinion that really inspiring music is born of suffering. Once the suffering ends, hang up the microphone or go trash your life and start over

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DIVA. Cmon' all this shit sounds exactly the same. Some chick is up there bellowing through talented vocal cords to uninspiring fru fru elevator music. Maybe the lyrics could be poetic but they are all the same. I'm sure people are impressed by the sequined dresses, pretty lights and the 30 second high notes but to me it's phony baloney nonsense. I think people eat this stuff up because paying $175 for a concert ticket sounds good when trying to impress the neighbors.

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(C)RAP. Back in the early eighties I could listen to some rap music. It was catchy, sometimes funny and had a good beat. It had some musical elements in it as well. These days it's nothing but a bunch of thugs droning about ho's and gats to a monotonous electronic beat while trying to look tough and gangsterish. It's boring at best and annoying at its worst. How many music videos can you fill with phat booty ho's, diamond encrusted teeth and Caddilac Escalades? .....about 734,904 so far

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Girl Idol. Disney execs take and old mouseketeer who is too old for their shitty sitcoms and still has a few years on their contract, sluts them up and puts them on stage so they can make a few more million before they head for the glue factory. Once their singing career starts petering out, these girl idols cannot stand being out of the limelight. They end up making a sex tape with a donkey, flashing their stretch marked woo hoo's every time they step out of a limo and pretty much make pathetic asses out of themselves until they are finally ignored forever.

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Boy bands: luckily, I think this era is nearly over. Some music money man grabs some pretty white boys that he'd like to corn hole, makes sure they can carry a tune and then markets them to a captive ready made audience loaded with prepubescent girls. It's important that the handlers keep the girls and "guys" thinking they are going to marry one of these gay boys one day. The music is inconsequential next to the teen magazines, the fashion and tabloid expose's. Every once in a while, a catchy tune will accidentally surface out of this mess.. but don't count on it.

Some funnies

Get off my ass!

Knocked out by his own stench

Show me yours and I'll show you mine meme

I was thinking it would be cool to make a meme about favorite childhood toys with pictures and descriptions. I found pretty much everything on Ebay and google images.


Do you remember these?


These cheap old tootsie cars were my favorite. They had character and weren't afraid of a little rough handling.
Blocks were an endless source of fun. Nothing better than buiding castles and knocking them down.

I used to have a huge number of Disney and Peter Pan records. My uncle who was 14 at the time gave me some 45 rpm records of Three dog night and Black Sabbath as well. My mom did not appreciate her 5 year old blasting hard rock on the old fisher price.

This was my favorite album as a kid. I listened to it over and over until it was worn out.

Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. This exact setup was my prized posession. I kept it at my grandmothers house so it would be safe from the shitty little brats my mom used to babysit.

I tag BBC, Slaghammer, Abby, Gunny John, and Jeannie with this one and anyone else who wants to do it.

The juggler

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Ever bothered by that guy sitting next to you on the airplane?

You know, the one with the bad breath, stinky aftershave and who won't shut up?


Here is a good way to get back at them.

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this >>> Link

Thanks to burfica.... winner of the caption contest

The stupidest person I ever met.

When I was about 19 my horny ass friend got the most ignorant girl in the lower 48 states pregnant. Her name was Rosie. She was so dumb that she couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. She was also a bitch. My friend was smart and she was dumb as hell. The only thing they had in common was plumbing.

One night after partying at my friends apartment Rosie came home early and decided that she was mad at her husband for drinking beer and having fun. She decided to tell her husband (my best friend) that she was having an affair with me.

Of course this wasn't true but it was really embarrassing because my best friend was already jealous of me for not having an ignorant pregnant bitch wife. Now he was really pissed off that his wife was trying to get angry nookie out of him with me in the room.

I could have crawled into the woodwork. Of course my friend knew it wasn't true but he still was angry at me for having a bigger dick (according to Rosie) and his wife fantasizing about it. I left as soon as I possibly could, but it was important that he know that my nethers ever came close to her stinky fish hole. It was a catch 22. I couldn't say I would never put my dick anywhere near his preggo-tard wife without making him feel bad for having a tarderiffic wife to begin with.

To make matters worse he was my second in command at work and I had to deal with his crazy ass every day. He would come into work and tell me the play by play of the hard angry hot sex his wife would have with him while she was imagining me.

It was the the most uncomfortable menage a trois I have NEVER been involved in.

Thanks burfica, I'm going to have to go back into therapy.

Apology (excepted)

Ever meet someone who would never admit they were wrong? Never ever no matter what? Nothing but excuses, turning blame, silence, and changing the subject? I know it all too well.

There is a difference between a half assed meaningless "sorry" and a sincere heartfelt person to person apology.

I will be perfectly honest, In my time on this planet no one has ever apologized to me for a transgression, a theft, back stab, lie, or insult. Ever. They sometimes try to explain what caused them to act that way but it was just excuses, always someone elses fault.

This is difficult for me to deal with, because I was taught by my father that part of being a man is admitting when you are wrong. Accepting blame when it is due and making amends for it is a way to grow as a human being and to clear your conscience of unresolved demons.

In our society, admitting ones transgressions and showing remorse for a thoughtless gesture is considered a sign of weakness. I am fully capable of forgiveness when I am given the opportunity to give it.

On the flip side, when I mess up, I write a letter, make a call or do whatever it takes to let the person know that I regret my actions and will take steps not to repeat them. Most people do not know how to react, almost as if admitting fault is a completely foreign concept.

I've had a falling out with several people in my family over the years. I was estranged from my dad's relatives for eight years because of their theft and lies and from my mothers side for nine years after being completely ostracized for revealing a family secret. I had to be the one to bridge the gap both times and offer a flag of truce. No one else was willing to contact me even though they claim they have no idea what caused the rift in the first place.

It's getting to the point where my heart is growing harder and I am less willing to tolerate and just go on pretending that that everything is ok when issues are never satisfactorily resolved.

With my immediate family, I do not tolerate this type of behavior. I force my children to own up to their mistakes and will not relent until they take responsibility for their actions. Maybe they will get some good out of it. I don't know.

More and more, I am finding myself isolated from a world filled with lying, miserable, sociopathic and narcissistic people. I just can't let things go. I end up removing people from my life when all it would take is for someone to sincerely say "I'm sorry" .

My lovely relatives

My former brother in law is a cowardly asshole. (I'll call him A.H.) He was married to my wife's sister, (I'll call her Cherie) until a short time ago. He was OK to hang out with because he knew better than the fuck with me to my face. My job was to keep him occupied while my wife and Cherie would go do sister things.


If he wasn't occupied by me he would sit at home, get drunk and call his wife every five minutes screaming at her to get home. He was possessive, obsessive compulsive and a fucking asshole.

I did my duty. But I always heard from my nephew (his stepson) what a cocksucker AH. was whenever he got home from going places with me. So I just stopped. If my sister in law didn't have the balls to dump this nutcase asshole it wasn't my job to pretend to be his friend.

It disgusted me the way she would lie and fawn all over A.H in front of people to give the illusion that he was a great, sweet husband. She would buy herself jewelry and flowers then tell everyone that A.H. bought them. This guy did nothing but sit around his house in his tighty whitey underwear. He was about 5'11 275 and looked just like Homer Simpson. All weekend he would sit there fat drunk and naked, and act belligerent to his family or whoever else happened to be around.

Finally, one night all hell broke loose. Sister in law called the house screaming and crying, A.H. finally broke the final rule and punched her. Apparently, he was upset because he had been sleeping on the couch for a few months and their 11 year old son was sleeping in the bed with mom. Yeah it was weird.. anyway he got drunk and called her a pedophile, she slapped him, and he punched her in the face. She threatened to call the cops if he didn't leave. Reluctantly, he left.

I knew A.H had a pistol. I had a feeling he was going to pull some crazy stunt with it and use it to terrorize his family. We had gone to the target range a few times and I knew where he kept it. I told Cherie to bring me the gun immediately. She did and I locked it up in the safe.

Not 30 minutes later, Cherie is calling me screaming and crying again. She is demanding that I give AH his gun. He was over there with her, supposedly getting his clothes and stuff. When he went for the gun and found it missing, he went berserk. I told Cherie that she was a fucking idiot, and I would never give a gun to a raging, drunk, crazy wife beater that was just thrown out of his house.

She wouldn't relent, so I told her that I would give him cash value for it. I finally had to hang up on her because she kept screaming for me to give him the gun. Fucking retard.

I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks and she finally came over and calmly asked for the gun again. I told her no fucking way if she was going to give it to A.H. the wife beater. I showed her the blue book value and handed her $375. She reluctantly took the money and I wrote her a receipt.

She divorced A.H a few months later, and immediately started dating another abusive asshole exactly like her ex husband. He is living with her now and we haven't seen or heard from her for a long time. New boyfriend is possessive and has a rage disorder so it was easier for her to blame us for all her problems and stay with what she knew.

I've washed my hands of them. You can't help people that don't want to be helped.

Caption contest winner!

I'm back from Vacation. It was kind of hard going through blog withdrawl, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I was laughing my ass off reading all your captions. You guys are really sick and twisted, and I mean that in a good way. The one that I pick as the funniest overall was from Burfica. Congratulations! You get to pick a topic for an upcoming blog entry.

Going on Vacation and leaving you with a caption contest.

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Do one or both pictures. The Winner gets to pick the next topic I blog about.

See you next week!

Tag I'm it.

I've been tagged again by Ambulance Driver share five off the wall, strange, unusual or just little-known facts about yourself.

1. In fourth and fifth grade my P.E class was taught by seiks with turbans and swords. Instead of jumping jacks we did Yoga. Our music class was also taught by seiks who taught us all the songs from the Beatles White Album accompanied by 12string Guitar and Sitar.

2. I know where a time capsule buried in 1906 is that nobody else knows about.

3. I've been writing or tape recording stuff like this blog since I was six. It took me thirty years to find an audience.

4. I can whistle the star spangled banner, make fart noise with my hands and burp the alphabet.

5. I used to sing and play rhythm guitar in a garage band for a couple of years, my band mates moved on to do Christian death metal albums. Instead of going with them, I stayed back and got a job fixing computers and cash registers.

Since I did this one a few months back, I'll skip the tagging this time unless one of you would like to tag yourself.

Communication breakdown

MELPYEW This is a term used by southern people in the service industry and at all Walmart stores. Literally translated, it is "May I help you" But these people hate their jobs and hate you as the customer too much to bother enunciating a few basic words. I'm sorry you hate your life. Maybe if you spoke more clearly they wouldn't have fired you from the Wendy's drive through.

" You go girl" I cringe every time I hear this one. Maybe it was cute in 1985 when white people first discovered Oprah Winfrey. Now it is lame and insulting. If I were a black woman and some cracker ass bitch told me "You go girl".... I would slap her back to the stone age.


"Know what I'm sayin?" This term is often used every other word in place of "Uh" and "you know" but is much more ignorant sounding. Yes I know what you are fucking saying asswipe!

I was in a fairly decent restaurant the other day. and every time the waiter spoke to me it was followed with "OK chief" "Whatever you say boss" "OK sport" I'm not that old but you better fucking call me sir or just say "OK" or I'm going to get up out of this chair and do my boss chief sport upside your head...you little fuckface.

I was in a convenience store when a youth dressed in sports clothing and a ball cap cocked to the side asked me for directions. I'm always willing to help people who ask, so I told him how to get to his destination.

The kid repeats my directions like this: So you sayin ayes go outcheer and busta left and den busta right den busta notha left....

I told him that if "bustin" means "go" that was correct.

Where do these idiots pick up these atrocious speaking habits?

Don't get me started on "AXE"

Dissecting the blogosphere part III

In this ongoing series I examine and describe the many styles of blogs and bloggers that are out there. If you see one of these bloggers walking down the street, cross to the other side and do not make eye contact.


Ex-girlfriend blogger: OMG! I am so glad to be free again. Me and the girls went out to the bar and drank shots all night long. I woke up in a taxi with no panties, so I must have had a good time! weeeee... I think I'm still drunk. Oh crap! I'm going to be late for my job at the teen drug and alcohol crisis hot line.

Divorced blogger: Yep, just sittin here scratchin my balls, they're gettin a little cheesy so I had better remember to wash em on Saturday. It seems everything around the house is falling apart. All the good stuff went to my Ex. She and her new wife broke into my apartment and stole it all when I was at work earning her alimony money. Only thing she left me were the credit card bills. I saw a big pile of cinder blocks and old wood outside by the dumpster, so I'm going to make me an entertainment center and a coffee table. I'll take pictures in case you want to make one too. Tomorrow I'm going to share my recipe for Top Ramen and beanie weenie casserole. Yumm!

Sex blogger: Usually has lots of artsy naked female pictures. People are encouraged to post messages and make requests for different types of sex stories. Kind of like an online dirty romance novel, Except it's really written by a 300lb guy named Vito with lots of hair on his back and and none on his head. He was truthful about one thing .... he does have perfect 36C tits.

Myspace blogger: I just met the cutest guy online! He is 22, a self made millionaire, drives a Porshe and wants to meet me alone by the bathrooms in the park at midnight! How romantic is that? Maybe you've met him.. his handle is repeatoffender557.

Jilted blogger: Well... The rest of Penelope's stuff is in the living room waiting to be picked up by her brother. STUPID BITCH!....I miss her so badly since the breakup and wish she would change her mind.. FUCKING SKANK! I cried myself to sleep last night remembering the wonderful times we had together and so totally regret taking her to that sideshow featuring Elephant "Dong" Johnson. FILTHY SLUT! If you are reading this Penelope darling please come home.

Transendental blogger: Today we shall reach into our chakras and hug our inner child. Jupiter is in the 5th house and mercury is aligned with mars. We all know what that means.... That's right! time to douche with green tea...so refreshing! All you enlightened believers need to remember to send me a blank, signed check so I can do a cleansing ceremony on your bank account. This will bring special enlightenment to you for the new year. Praise Goddess!

Dissecting the blogosphere Part II

Diary blogger: I got up this morning, brushed my teeth with my Reach power glide and Colgate pump with whitening power. I took a dump, it was kind of greenish brown probably from the cabbage. I wiped 4 times with Charmin ultra wide using a total of 27 sheets of double ply...I cooked and ate two medium free range organic eggs and drank 4oz of grapefruit juice. I placed the Smith and Wesson .44 magnum with the 5.5 inch ventilated rib barrel to my temple when the phone rang....

Complaint blogger: I got out of bed this morning and my corns were giving me hell so I injected some morphine into my IV that I keep permanently attached to my arm. I'm almost out of my herpes medicine and my diverticulitis is starting to make my colon back up like Christmas at the shopping mall. I think I need to have my other appendix removed or maybe my it's my spleen. I wish the voices in my head would quit interrupting me. "shut up Kenneth!" Sorry, that's the conjoined twin brother growing out of my liver. He's very rude and demanding.

Demented blogger, I was pushing a glass pipette into my urethra just to see how far it would go, when my wife Vickie walked into the bedroom and said ooh gross and hit my pecker with a hairbrush. The glass shattered causing me to run around the room screaming pain. I hemorrhaged all over the wall paper and Vickie licked up all the blood because in reality she is a vampire. God I love her.

Spammy blog: Hi, I'm Kevin and this is my blog! Don't worry about the 50,000 pop ups that appear when you view my blog, that's all you. You probably got some spy ware from somebody, not me nope! Hey! I know some great software for only $49.95 that removes that. Getstuffed.com has everything for your spy ware and malware needs. Did I mention that I know this great place to get Viagra and male enhancement products? Need a fake Rolex?

Bush is Satan blog. Usually has several photo shopped pictures of George Bush as a monkey, stealing candy from babies, urinating on homeless people, raping farm animals. Lots of slogans Bush is the Antichrist, He stole the election, Bush flew 9/11 planes by remote control. These blogs don't offer any ideas or plans to fix the country just lots of name calling and recipes for tofu.

Power Blogger: Posts about 70 times per day, usually just random one liners about anything that pops into their mind: I just realized that I have twelve letters in my name. Isn't that interesting? I also have twelve pimples on my butt. Isn't that a strange coincidence? I hate broccoli It gives me gas. My enema bag just exploded in the shower this morning, I wonder if I'm using it correctly?

Party Blogger: Here are some pics from our last blowout. This one is of Charlie puking into the beer bong and there is Lance drunk and passed out in a puddle of his own waste. Man, that guy knows how to have fun! Here is a pic of me injecting animal tranquilizers . I don't remember much after that. I can't wait till next week! It's my 13th birthday and mom says we can have hookers.

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Religious Blogger: This day is blessed, I went to church this morning and we had a wonderful sermon on how to handle poisonous snakes while praising god. Then I ate some cereal and saw the lord smiling up at me from my corn flakes. I am just so blessed and happy because the lord loves people like me and hates people like you. Have a blessed day!

Some music I like. Videos aren't bad either.

Thought this was neat.

In 1969 (the year you were born)

Richard Nixon becomes president of the US Mary Jo Kopechne is killed when Senator Edward Kennedy veers off a narrow bridge on Chappaquiddick Island, crashing into a pond US astronaut Neil Armstrong becomes the first person to set foot on the moon while commanding the Apollo 11 mission Breathtaking pictures of Mars are transmitted to earth from NASA's Mariner 7 as it passes within 2,200 miles of the Red Planet Woodstock music festival begins in upstate NY, featuring performances by Grateful Dead, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jefferson Airplane, and many more artists 250,000 Vietnam War protestors gather in Washington for the largest anti-war rally in US history The first draft lottery since WWII is held in New York City The Beatles' performance in public for the last time, on the roof of Apple Records The Stonewall riots mark the start of the modern gay rights movement in the US Marilyn Manson, Jennifer Aniston, Renee Zellweger, Edward Norton, Christian Slater, and Linus Torvalds are born Sesame Street premieres Midnight Cowboy wins the Oscar for best picture Hammer is born with the sole purpose to put an end to all this dirty hippy nonsense. David Bowie's debut single, "Space Oddity", becomes a huge hit - in part due to the US landing on the moon Sharon Tate & the LaBiancas are found murdered by Charles Manson & "family"

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

Dissecting the blogosphere

After visiting hundreds and hundreds of blogs I finally feel that I'm enough of an authority to compartmentalize them into specific types. Since there are as many different tastes in blogs as there are flavors of coffee at Starbucks, I'll let you pass judgement on the types I describe.

I know the blog-awards already divided up blogs into categories but they do it with theme, where I separate by content and style.

Well, enough of my jibba jabba. here goes:

AWOL blogger: Does a couple of stellar posts, gets some readership and is never heard from again. Possibly kidnapped and enslaved by rabid spider monkeys.

Incidental blogger: Posts about Their birthday, haircut, Thanksgiving then Christmas. Wow is it their birthday again already?

Baby blogger: With pictures: Little Kawliga is sooo cute. Here is a pic of me feeding him at 4 weeks 1 day old awwwwwww... Day two: Little Kawliga is soooo cute Here is a pic of me feeding him at 4 weeks 2 days old awwwwww...

Dog blogger: Here are pics of rusty, champ, king, festus and charlie. Here is a pic of Rusty's poop. Did rusty make big boom boom? Yes he did! Yes he did! Good boy!

Cat Blogger: Aww dis is my coo coo wid da big fwoppy ears..Huggy buns is eating his tender vittles..Damien junior is slicing the flesh off of my arm as I type this.....getting weakerrrr call 911......

Eclectic blogger: Here is a pic of my empty bookshelf. I bought it at Sears. It is made of wood. I don't know why I bought it. I have a severe ink allergy.

Undiagnosed blogger. I went to work today and I was driving in my car then I stopped for coffee and the park was fun . I like the zoo, walruses are my favorite. I got fired today, my shirt is yellow with daisies....

Goth Blog. Death is an eternal blackness in my mind. Dead flowers cascade my rotten corpse with their crispy black petals. Here is a picture of my infected nose piercing. The doctor says I need to bathe more. I don't see the point.

Fan boy blog: Brad and Angelina took a shit today. I tunneled into their sewer line and caught apiece of their exalted turd. Here are some pictures. I also raided their dumpster and found a dirty diaper and some coffee grounds. I have to go to my state mandated 12 step meeting for stalkers. I hate going. Those people are crazy!

Once a week epic blog. These guys save up everything they have and heave it all into one seventeen page post with no spaces, punctuation, or indents. The blog colors are usually baby blue background with light blue text. I'm blinded and cross eyed by now, so commenting is out of the question.

Technical blog: I was transversing the polarity on my zx9 sommelphlange today when the iomic fleezledorf went into doppleganger mode. I mean sheesh lol I know that happens to everyone right?

To be continued.

Friday funnies

All in the pursuit of science

I don't trust that guy in the backround.

Hat hair

Terrorist training camp

It's Friday... Lets Party!

Post of the week!

I've been blogging for about six months now. I like it a whole heck of a lot better now that I discovered this:

Hat tip to Lexcen

This tip has made checking my favorite blogs so much easier because once you subscribe to the feed and set it for 15 min refresh you can just glance at the feeds list under favorites to see who has updated. It took me about 30 min to subscribe to everyone I read,

Now that I'm set up, what used to take me an hour now only takes a few seconds.

Kids are funny, confusing and infuriating.

I've been home with the kids for the 5th day due to a rare ice storm . Keeping them entertained, happy, fed, and out of mischief is easier said than done.

Our dogs have to be inside during this weather as well, which makes for added fun.

They actually play together pretty well, making forts from pillow cushions and putting on combinations of old halloween costumes and acting out epic battles with imaginary monsters.

Mostly, this is my son's imagination, He acts while directing his little sisters. I can't help but laugh when the littlest one walks in wearing a combination of batman pajamas, my furry green hunting, cap, a cape made from a bath towel and swimming flippers. They run around the house armed with light sabers, plastic scimitars, cardboard tubes and toy guns shoved in their waistbands.

The dogs get dressed in doll clothes if they can't run fast enough.

One time I walked into the bathroom and there was daughter number #2 sitting on the toilet holding our dachshund. I closed the door and asked:

Hammer: (through the bathroom door) What the heck are you doing taking a crap with a dog in your lap?

Oldest daughter: I had to go poop.

Hammer: With the dog?

Oldest daughter: Yes, it took me a long time to catch him.

Hammer: You're going to have to put him down to wipe your butt.

Oldest daughter: Nuh uh! I can do it

Hammer: Whatever, but I had better not find dirty underwear hidden in your toy box like last time.

Oldest daughter: Ok dad!



There is usually a lot of commotion, a dull roar accentuated by a squeals and giggles. It's when things get quiet or too loud, that's when I have to go investigate.

Son: Dad! Sister called me the "B" word

Sister #2 Nooooooo!!!!

Sister #1 Yes you did don't lie.

Hammer: Which "B" word?

Son: The second one...

Sister # 2 NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Sister #1 Don't lie! I heard you ( said with a smirk of self satisfaction)

Hammer: What second word? You had better not be messing with me or I'll put you all down for a nap.

Son: You know, the second "B" word....

Sister # 2 I did not call him a bastard!!! (oops)

Hammer: Ok Sister # 2 goes in time out for 30 min the rest of you go play.

Sister # 2 WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH I DIDN"T DO IT!!!!!!!!

Hammer: You had better tell the truth or I'll send you to your room for the rest of the afternoon.

Sister #2 WAAAAAAAHHHHHH.....hmm ok I called him a bastard. Sorry dad.

Tagged if I could be a ...

Barista tagged me on this one:

The moral of the story here is to pick 3 of the prompts and complete the sentence….”If I could…..”
If I could be a scientist…If I could be a farmer…If I could be a musician…If I could be a doctor…If I could be a painter…If I could be a gardener…If I could be a missionary…If I could be a chef…If I could be an architect…If I could be a linguist…If I could be a psychologist…If I could be a librarian…If I could be an athlete…If I could be a lawyer…If I could be an innkeeper…If I could be a professor…If I could be a writer…If I could be a backup dancer…If I could be a llama-rider…If I could be a bonnie pirate…If I could be a midget stripper…If I could be a proctologist…If I could be a TV-chat show host…If I could be an actor…If I could be a judge…If I could be a Jedi…If I could be a mob boss…If I could be a backup singer…If I could be a CEO…If I could be a movie reviewer…If I could be a film maker…If I could be a sherpa…If I could be a ninja…If I could be a cab driver…If I could be a secret agent…If I could be a hobbit…If I could be on Michael Jackson’s jury…If I could be President…If I could be a disc jockey…If I could be Celine Dion…If I could be a blackjack dealer…

Here's mine.

If I could be a proctologist I would make it my life long goal to surgically remove people's heads from their asses.

If I could be a scientist I would invent a cure for stupidity and lack of horse sense.

If I could be a judge I would let all the perpetrators of victimless and procedural crimes go free.

I tag anyone who wants to be tagged.

Hanging out in Bettie's Bordello

As a young teenager, I often spent the weekends at my best friend Paul's house. He had moved out of my neighborhood and into an apartment complex across town. We got along well and since neither of us had many friends we spent a lot of time hanging out.

After spending a few weekends there I realized that Paul's mom was a different sort of woman. Betty had no modesty whatsoever, she had been caught having an affair with some cop, so Paul's dad divorced her and moved away. She was still dating the cop when I started hanging out over there. His name was Howard and he was actually a pretty cool guy.

On Saturday nights, Paul, his little brother Chip and myself would watch videos downstairs while Howard and Betty would screw upstairs.

They didn't screw normally either, they did it like retarded monkeys. Which included crazy hanging from the chandelier shit. We could hear the screaming, pounding and squeals of ecstasy for hours at a time. Howard must have been some crazy ex-porn star with an inflatable dick the way they would carry on.

Don't misunderstand me, there was NOTHING sexy about it, Betty looked like a bloated marshmallow on toothpicks and every "Oh god pound me you bastard" that echoed through the apartment made me cringe. I was fourteen years old at the time and even though I felt violated by the dirty gorilla porn going on upstairs, it was really bad for Paul's little brother that had no clue what was going on.

He was worried about his mom being hurt with all the screaming. We had to hold him down to keep him from going upstairs and getting blinded and permanently scarred from whatever horrific acts were occurring up there. Paul didn't have the heart to tell him what was really going on.

Betty's lack of modesty spilled over to other areas as well, She would call Paul into the restroom while she was buck naked,taking a shit and have him rub lotion on her. I felt so sorry for him. He would protest but, she would make his life even more miserable if he argued.

At night, I would sleep in the top bunk bed. I've always been a light sleeper and often times the phone would wake me up. One time about 5 am the phone rang and Betty walked in the room completely nude just holding a hand towel that barely covered one of her bloated tits. The picture of her lunar cratered ass is forever burned into my memory. I had never closed my eyes tighter before in my life. She stood there talking on the phone for an eternity it seemed. What made it even worse was the fact that she had a phone right next to her in the hall. I don't know why she had to come in and use ours.

We soon found out Betty liked to swing both ways, she had a group of girlfriends that would get together and have "dildo parties" Well... that's what we called em. Thank god she didn't have them in front of us. She would walk downstairs holding a huge greasy unwashed plastic dick, three or four porn tapes and tell us she would be at her friend bunny's house if we needed anything.

The good thing was that Betty, Howard and whoever else would often go on long fishing trips. We would have the apartment to ourselves for up to two weeks at a time. We never did anything wrong but we would clean up the place invite friends over, watch movies and play video games. Without crazy nympho orgy shit disrupting our young lives, we could actually have short periods of normalcy.

One morning during breakfast, I pushed aside a pile of pictures to make room for my cereal bowl. that's when I got a glimpse of Betty's dildo party photos. I had very little exposure to pornography before this and it was really unfair for the first time to be of friend's moms female orgy. She had no problem with leaving that stuff around and they stayed on the table for everyone to see.

Betty finally settled down with some rich rancher that lived a ways out of town, I doubt he knew what he was getting into. He was a white haired old guy with huge belly and Norman Bates issues. He didn't date until his mother died when he was 48 when Betty came along to take her place.

The last time I went out there I saw a set of his and hers cherry flavored edible underwear sitting on top of the TV.

I guess some things never change.

Funny stuff

This is a good one for bloggers too.

Safe for dialup.

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Incoming!

Remembering an old friend

One of my favorite writers passed away 19 years ago this week.

Charles "Skeeter" Skelton

I remember scraping together nickles and dimes so I could walk to the grocery store and buy a copy of the magazine he was writing for. He had a easy going style and some great stories from his childhood during the Great Depression, his time in the Border patrol, and as a County Sheriff.

When reading Skelton's articles, whether they were a story about fighting bandits on the Mexican border, or testing a new handgun, he made you feel like he was talking directly to you as an old friend chatting next to the campfire.

I found it easy to relate to Skelton's writing, he was honest, hard working, sensible and patriotic. He had a great sense of humor and at times you couldn't tell if you were reading his fiction, his facts or a combination of both.

I was lucky enough to get my hands on the majority of his work through exhaustive means. He is the kind of writer I can read over and over.

The only set of his works currently in print is link>>>> : " I Remember Skeeter" a compilation of some of his best stories put together by his widow. I highly recommend this book for anyone who likes a good story written in the style of a classic American humorist.

Here is some more on Skelton: Hat tip and special thanks to Darkcanyon.net

There isn't much of his stuff online but here are a couple of good ones:

http://www.darkcanyon.net/tom_threepersons.htm

http://www.darkcanyon.net/gunmen_of_el_paso.htm

http://www.darkcanyon.net/Hipshots_aug_1987.htm

Charles A. “Skeeter” Skelton was born May 1, 1928, in Hereford, Deaf Smith County, Texas, the heart of the High Plains and the old Comanche and buffalo country. The son of a merchant, rancher, farmer, and hunter, he developed an early interest in firearms, especially handguns, doing his first pistol shooting with his father’s Colt Woodsman .22 when he was five.

Skeeter began acquiring and studying handguns during his adolescence, and developed a strong attachment to large-caliber single-action revolvers. Perhaps partly owing to his interest in the use of firearms, he spent only a brief time in college after serving in the U.S. Marine Corps and elected to follow law enforcement as a career. He served as a city patrolman in Amarillo, Texas, as a U.S. Border Patrolman on the last patrol in Arizona maintained by that agency, as deputy sheriff and then sheriff of his home Deaf Smith County, as a narcotics agent for U.S. Customs, and finally as Special Agent in Charge of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, from which position he retired in 1974. After his retirement, his interest in the firearms field remained lively, and he acted as a consultant to various firearms manufacturers and occasionally demonstrated their products.

In 1966, Skeeter started writing for Shooting Times and was the magazine’s Handgun Editor for 21 years. His first piece was a “Handguns” column which appeared in the July 1966 issue. He authored more than 400 articles for Shooting Times and had two books, Skeeter Skelton On Handguns and Skeeter Skelton’s Handgun Tales, to his credit.

In 1978, he was named the sixth recipient of the Outstanding American Handgunner Award.

Blessed with a loyal following of readers, Skeeter promised to keep writing gun-related material “until my typewriter freezes over,” and as always, he kept his word. He passed away on Sunday, January 17, 1988, at Sun Towers Hospital in El Paso, Texas.

This dog was alpha and I was zeta

I got my first dog when I was 6. He was a cockapoo. I always thought it sounded like a blooper in a porn video. The dog was my buddy as long as I understood he was the boss. His name was "Pepe"

The dog was very well mannered but was traumatized one time when he bit into a lamp cord and shocked the shit out of himself. There was blue light and everything. Instead of learning not to bite electric wires the dog learned to be afraid of ropes, cords, string or anything of that nature. Venetian blinds were his main nemesis. He loved looking out the window. If he sensed a cat nearby he would rip the blinds open with his paws and try to eat through the glass.

I kinda taught him to hate cats, My bad.

Anyway Pepe would get tangled in the blinds and go into a full fledged panic attack. When I would walk into the room he would be rolled up like giant Vietnamese dog taco. . It was a helluva sight. Often he was so tangled I had to cut the blinds to get him out.

Pepe was a smart dog with amazing powers of telekinesis. He would stand next to me as I made my school lunch and could knock things off the counter with his mind. A piece of bread with jelly would just fly into his mouth. This dog's life revolved around food. He would gobble up an entire bowl of food when most dogs snacked throughout the day. He could beg better than those professional orphans on the save the children commercials. Pretty soon Pepe had a pot belly.

It didn't help that my mom made him a plate of biscuits and gravy every Sunday morning. I also used him as a garbage disposal when I would be forced to eat avocado and sprout pita sandwiches.

The big problem started when Pepe got used to all this food and thought he was entitled to his as well as mine. Ever play tug of war with a dog over a submarine sandwich? It's not a pretty sight.

If I was eating something on the couch Pepe would run by as fast as he could and swipe whatever out of my hand or mouth usually taking some flesh with it. This dog had the most balls of any eunich knew.

When we tried to put Pepe on a diet he would eat very inappropriate things to try to satiate his unending appetite.. I caught him eating my dad's wallet one time. He had a Ben Franklin hanging out of his mouth. Since dad ran his business out of his wallet he wasn't sure how many hundreds Pepe consumed before we caught him.

I'll tell you one thing, I followed that little sombitch around with a baggie for three days praying for a little brown windfall.

Pepe's diet made him crazy, he started eating, trash, toilet paper off the roll, grass, turds of other dogs and worst of all, I caught him shaking a small tree and eating the baby birds that fell out. Nasty greedy bastard.

Pepe's favorite word was cookie.That magical word sent him into a full fledged drooling frenzy. I don't know how he learned it, but he knew that meant there was food to be had. I couldn't open a package of anything quietly enough before he would materialize in front of me with that "give me the bag and no one gets hurt" look.

My parents did spoil him though. May first was Pepe's birthday, he got to go in the car to the McDonald's drive through every year and get his own happy meal. He even got to keep the toy.

I was jealous. The dog had it better than I did.

One thing about Pepe, he was loyal. Whenever I was sick in bed (I was always sick as a kid) he would crawl into bed with me and not leave my side, no matter what. He wouldn't eat, drink or go outside until my fever broke.

One time, I woke up in the middle of the night and he had pissed all over the both of us because he wouldn't leave my side. Now that's true love.

His gluttony finally caught up with him and the veterinarian put him a special diet of rice cooked with ground beef and home made corn bread.Mom cooked for the dog, while I had to eat cold cheese sandwiches.

I know Pepe blackmailed that veterinarian somehow to get those specially prepared home made meals.

He lived to be 18 years old and I was already out of the house when he died. For some reason my parents didn't call me when they had him put down. They didn't handle death very well.