This dog was alpha and I was zeta

I got my first dog when I was 6. He was a cockapoo. I always thought it sounded like a blooper in a porn video. The dog was my buddy as long as I understood he was the boss. His name was "Pepe"

The dog was very well mannered but was traumatized one time when he bit into a lamp cord and shocked the shit out of himself. There was blue light and everything. Instead of learning not to bite electric wires the dog learned to be afraid of ropes, cords, string or anything of that nature. Venetian blinds were his main nemesis. He loved looking out the window. If he sensed a cat nearby he would rip the blinds open with his paws and try to eat through the glass.

I kinda taught him to hate cats, My bad.

Anyway Pepe would get tangled in the blinds and go into a full fledged panic attack. When I would walk into the room he would be rolled up like giant Vietnamese dog taco. . It was a helluva sight. Often he was so tangled I had to cut the blinds to get him out.

Pepe was a smart dog with amazing powers of telekinesis. He would stand next to me as I made my school lunch and could knock things off the counter with his mind. A piece of bread with jelly would just fly into his mouth. This dog's life revolved around food. He would gobble up an entire bowl of food when most dogs snacked throughout the day. He could beg better than those professional orphans on the save the children commercials. Pretty soon Pepe had a pot belly.

It didn't help that my mom made him a plate of biscuits and gravy every Sunday morning. I also used him as a garbage disposal when I would be forced to eat avocado and sprout pita sandwiches.

The big problem started when Pepe got used to all this food and thought he was entitled to his as well as mine. Ever play tug of war with a dog over a submarine sandwich? It's not a pretty sight.

If I was eating something on the couch Pepe would run by as fast as he could and swipe whatever out of my hand or mouth usually taking some flesh with it. This dog had the most balls of any eunich knew.

When we tried to put Pepe on a diet he would eat very inappropriate things to try to satiate his unending appetite.. I caught him eating my dad's wallet one time. He had a Ben Franklin hanging out of his mouth. Since dad ran his business out of his wallet he wasn't sure how many hundreds Pepe consumed before we caught him.

I'll tell you one thing, I followed that little sombitch around with a baggie for three days praying for a little brown windfall.

Pepe's diet made him crazy, he started eating, trash, toilet paper off the roll, grass, turds of other dogs and worst of all, I caught him shaking a small tree and eating the baby birds that fell out. Nasty greedy bastard.

Pepe's favorite word was cookie.That magical word sent him into a full fledged drooling frenzy. I don't know how he learned it, but he knew that meant there was food to be had. I couldn't open a package of anything quietly enough before he would materialize in front of me with that "give me the bag and no one gets hurt" look.

My parents did spoil him though. May first was Pepe's birthday, he got to go in the car to the McDonald's drive through every year and get his own happy meal. He even got to keep the toy.

I was jealous. The dog had it better than I did.

One thing about Pepe, he was loyal. Whenever I was sick in bed (I was always sick as a kid) he would crawl into bed with me and not leave my side, no matter what. He wouldn't eat, drink or go outside until my fever broke.

One time, I woke up in the middle of the night and he had pissed all over the both of us because he wouldn't leave my side. Now that's true love.

His gluttony finally caught up with him and the veterinarian put him a special diet of rice cooked with ground beef and home made corn bread.Mom cooked for the dog, while I had to eat cold cheese sandwiches.

I know Pepe blackmailed that veterinarian somehow to get those specially prepared home made meals.

He lived to be 18 years old and I was already out of the house when he died. For some reason my parents didn't call me when they had him put down. They didn't handle death very well.