Apology (excepted)
Ever meet someone who would never admit they were wrong? Never ever no matter what? Nothing but excuses, turning blame, silence, and changing the subject? I know it all too well.
There is a difference between a half assed meaningless "sorry" and a sincere heartfelt person to person apology.
I will be perfectly honest, In my time on this planet no one has ever apologized to me for a transgression, a theft, back stab, lie, or insult. Ever. They sometimes try to explain what caused them to act that way but it was just excuses, always someone elses fault.
This is difficult for me to deal with, because I was taught by my father that part of being a man is admitting when you are wrong. Accepting blame when it is due and making amends for it is a way to grow as a human being and to clear your conscience of unresolved demons.
In our society, admitting ones transgressions and showing remorse for a thoughtless gesture is considered a sign of weakness. I am fully capable of forgiveness when I am given the opportunity to give it.
On the flip side, when I mess up, I write a letter, make a call or do whatever it takes to let the person know that I regret my actions and will take steps not to repeat them. Most people do not know how to react, almost as if admitting fault is a completely foreign concept.
I've had a falling out with several people in my family over the years. I was estranged from my dad's relatives for eight years because of their theft and lies and from my mothers side for nine years after being completely ostracized for revealing a family secret. I had to be the one to bridge the gap both times and offer a flag of truce. No one else was willing to contact me even though they claim they have no idea what caused the rift in the first place.
It's getting to the point where my heart is growing harder and I am less willing to tolerate and just go on pretending that that everything is ok when issues are never satisfactorily resolved.
With my immediate family, I do not tolerate this type of behavior. I force my children to own up to their mistakes and will not relent until they take responsibility for their actions. Maybe they will get some good out of it. I don't know.
More and more, I am finding myself isolated from a world filled with lying, miserable, sociopathic and narcissistic people. I just can't let things go. I end up removing people from my life when all it would take is for someone to sincerely say "I'm sorry" .
posted by Bill Rowland @ January 29, 2007
22 Comments
22 Comments:
It's sad when friends fail to meet our expectations of basic decency, we either have to tolerate their shortcomings or call it quits. I have cut off many friends over the years for the faults you've listed. I don't miss them at all.
I have never had a problem admitting that I was wrong...
I own up to my mistakes because it's the right the thing to do. It might not happen instantly, but I do give heartfelt and sincere apologies when I know I've hurt someone. And even though I've apologized, the guilt usually eats away at me for quite some time after.
I don't like hurting anyone. It's a terrible feeling doing it, and knowing that I hurt someone I care about makes it that much worse...
from teaching in schools I've realised it's very common for parents to complain in their child has to apologise for their behaviour. They will come and argue for their child until their child is absolved of all responsibility. Meanwhile, were they there? No. It's infuriating.
I agree Hammer, it's becoming increasingly common for us to completely deny any responsibility for any mistakes and it's not right. To make myself not be a hypocrite, I'm now going to write one of my former roommates and apologize for some of my actions, your post helped inspire me to do so.
Tolerance of another's actions is an odd dilemma. You want to be easy going and full of forgiveness, but you don't want another to be rude, obnoxious etc...
I learned a long time ago that it is better that you choose who you call friends. You set a certain level of basic decency and you let people know when they've crossed it. When they have, you tell them. Their response is what fuels your decision to keep them as friends or not.
After awhwile, you find yourself with lots of good friens and no pains in the asses.
Life is simply better that way.
People who are in the FIRST stage of understanding the evolution of humanity and that they actually are only one part of the whole, are the people who believe that they suddenly are the whole in themselves. (The Omnipresent, the all-knowing, the better-knowing or God in person.) They can’t imagine that it is anything more / else to know. That’s why they believe they don’t owe anybody anything. After their mind, it is all the others that should kneel in front of THEM.
In their eyes, all others are singular illiterate beings on the level of the lowest or most dirty animal.
They have SO long way to go.
The best way to help them, is actually only to leave them. Because some of them will regress back to what they were . . . But those who DO evolve into next step, will come back (even after years) and excuse their behavior or give back what they took from you etc.
Some cases ARE lost cases . . . It’s nothing we can do about it. We only have to accept that it is some nut-cases also in the world.
By myself, I have even said; “I’m sorry” to children, if I’ve realized that I took wrong in one or another way . . . in one or another situation. Both as a mother and as a teacher.
I will be perfectly honest, In my time on this planet no one has ever apologized to me for a transgression, a theft, back stab, lie, or insult. Ever.
Jeez, I'm really sorry to hear that! :) Get it. Sorry? Just teasing.
Thought-provoking post! I actually believe that NOT apologizing is a sign of weakness. Men who don't when they should are frigging wussies. Not the other way around. It's hard to apologize, and they can't do things that are hard.
It's a shame that your heart is growing hard. There's plenty of folks out there that are not shallow and slefish; although they seem to be the minority these days. I think that the quality of the good people out there makes giving everyone the benefit of the doubt worthwhile. I tend to give everyone a chance, and then discard them after they screw me over in one way or another (except family, they get unconditional forgiveness from me, but none of my family members are abusive or hateful). It's an odd world, but the good people make it worthwhile.
lexcen: I miss some of the folks I've left behind but I am better off without them.
kateykakes: It sounds like you and I think the same way in this regard. I can't move on until the loose ends are tied up.
m: I know protective parenting has something to do with the trends. I wish there was a happy medium in this regard.
Brandon: I'm glad you feel that way. It's a tough thing to do sometimes. I hope your friend responds well.
Scott: Good advice. It's important to keep that in mind. Sometimes it's hard to stay centered when in the middle of the situation but we should all strive to set standards for ourselves and our relationships.
Kirsten: It is a sociologicical evolution. I know saving face is a survival instict that allows people to maintain their status and power, but it comes to a point when one must address their shortcomings and make amends. I don't know if humans are getting better or worse in this regard.
Dan: I thought you broke my record for a second there, but you didn't do anything wrong ;D Yep, men who can't do or say the hard stuff are wussies. Good call on that one.
Jarhead John: I've had a run of bad luck regarding personal relationships. It's starting to take its toll.
I'm lucky to have a good nuclear family though. My blog friends are nice decent folks too. That helps alot.
I have never been ashamed to apologize for my mistakes and actions or whenever I regretted something - a lie but more often for not saying the right thing at the right time.
However, I know some people who would never even accept an apology, and their kind make it hard to apologise.
I've never been wrong before.
"Oh lord it's hard to be humble when your perfect in every way..." - Mac Davis
He pretty much sums up my life.
Now I must go hide.
I treat others right and don't take advantage of them so that is not a problem for me.
As for what they do, it's just live and learn and move on.
I can admit when I make a mistake, I just don't make a big production out of it. LOL
As for what Kirsten said. She still has a lot to learn herself. The omnipresent are not all knowing, at least through only one human mind.
The omnipresent is a collection of the ALL. So therefore represents and reflects the ALL. The ALL of course being everyone.
The omnipresent as I keep saying is in evolution. So I wouldn't be so smug if I was her, she isn't any better than the rest of us. Shoot, she doesn't even know who she is, at least I know that.
I see where you are coming from as I am seeing myself going down a similar path right now. It is sometimes very difficult to know exactly how to handle family crisis. All the best in your endeavour to live your life as stress free as possible.
Talking about friends and computer woes... I just read your Saturday's post regarding The stupidest person I ever met....I am still laughing as I write this... Too much huh!? :-)
Hammer, you HAVE to eventually let the 'suckers' go. I use that term deliberately. These types of people literally suck the life out of those around them. They are the poeple who take WAY more than they give in this life, in any way you could possibly measure.
Your kids will be all the better for having learned from your mistakes. I have gone to my daughters and appologized for my own bad behavior to them at times. It never ceases to amaze them that an adult will do that. I hope they learn to own up to their own mistakes; it causes mutual respect to grow when a person can admit wrongs and ask forgiveness.
I don't know how I missed this post before. Must have had a little vacation myself.
I know what you are saying. Very few people have apologized to me but what a difference it makes when they do. It's a hell of a lot easier to forgive.
My oldest brother used to beat the crap out of me as a kid just because it was fun. My parents did not correct him. One evening - I was about 12, he got pissed off at me because I was late and picked me up and threw me across the room into the wall in front of 2 friends. They left. After an hour or so he came back to my room and apologized. He never touched me again. My mother still won't admit he beat me up a lot even though he's admitted it to her. She excuses him because I "provoked" it when he admits I did not.
Sometimes, you have to read between the lines for an "assumed" apology. A peace offering instead of words.
Neither of my parents were apologizers. Yet 3 of 4 siblings are. We are also the ones with Christian faith. Not to say all Christians are quick to apologize - sometimes the opposite because they are self-righteous.
Pride is a huge obstacle. I'm thinking maybe that's what's wrong with the world.
Sounds as if you are having bad vibes from idiots lately - glad you have this portal to vent.
Too many people nowadays do not take responsibility for their own actions - thus they become fodder for our blogging. I don't claim to be innocent of unintended offenses but I damn sure will apologize in attempt to right a wrong. Your kids will benefit from accepting their contribution, good or bad, to society.
I'm mulling over a post about being judgmental - when is it a bad thing?
((((Hugs))))
Pride is the downfall of man. I'm so very sorry that you haven't been showered with genuine repentance, Hammer. You're a great guy, and I admire you. It's interesting that I read this particular post this morning. My pastor went deep into this very topic yesterday morning, and boy oh boy was it convicting. I have a suggestion Hams.
Forgive those who have slighted you or are hard of heart. Why? It's not for them, but for you. It releases their "control" on you, and frees you up to be the loving individual that you are. People can really suck sometimes Hams - - but you're better than that. I'm sincerely sorry that you haven't experienced much grace. You deserve grace & mercy from others. ((Hugs))
OMG it's like your living my life. My husband is the youngest of 9 kids. Guess who we have anything to do with. His oldest brother and one niece (out of 29) And his parents. They have all treated him and us like crap, and I won't tolerate it. I told them they would never see our son when they made the announcement that they couldn't love him, because he was half me.
Also they treat my husband like major crap, like they should control his life.
I have come to the conclusion that there is a very big difference between family and relatives. And family has nothing to do with blood.
helene' apologizing is hard. Even getting to the point when one admits to themselves they screwed up is really difficult. But it's all about intentions really.
dave: thanks, I'm working on removing stress from my family. There are too many good things out there to be bogged down by this kind of stuff.
Nomas: you're right I'm feeling isolated and bitter right now. The blog is helping and the nice folks come here to comment make it hard to stay in the dumps.
Jeannie: I know exactly what you mean about parents making excuses for their kids. I'm glad your brother realized his mistake. right now I'm having problems with people that shit on me then come back around happy go lucky like nothing ever happened.
Barista: thanks, I'm trying not to let it get me down. But after a while the transgressions are serious enough to where I have to put my foot down. When they don't even admit that their behavior is hurtful it's hard to forgive. I will eventually though.
Burfica: That's awful and I can relate completely. why is it those with the worst track record and behavior always get the most slack and the least reprocussions? I'm glad you are not taking it lying down.
I'm sorry you are feeling isolated and bitter right now :( Not that it's MY fault. I didn't even SEE this blog until today and anyway, how IS the weather over there? I'm not talking to you now.
Hahaha - hope you got that? But seriously, I am sad that you are feeling that way. I have a question: even though your wife doesn't know about your blog, has she noticed a change in you in the past few months? A positive one? Just wondering....
My Dad said to me (well whispered actually as he can't talk very well most of the time now) "sorry for all the trouble" as I wiped the dribble and food up that was spilling all down his front, for the 3rd or 4th time. That is probably one of the first times I can ever remember him saying sorry - although, he hasn't really had much to apologise for. It was awful because he can't help it. But I have to say, it was also a nice feeling.
One of the WORST apologies I've ever had was when it was WAY too late and "he" just wanted me back!! Heartfelt!!?? I DON'T think so!
Sorry! I wrote WAY too much! =)
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