On raising kids

From around the time I was born, there were a large number of of child psychologists saying this and that about what is good for kids and the proper way to raise them. Books on child rearing, written by each successive muckety muck usually contradicted whatever the last expert wrote on the subject.

The late 60's engendered a whole bunch of new age, no boundaries, free expression crap. They purported that kids could do no wrong and everything they did was just exploration of the world and children should not be punished for supposed transgressions against our patriarchal society.

Bwahahahah!!!..... what a load of horse hemorrhoids.

My parents didn't know what they were doing because they both came from screwed up homes and emotionally bankrupt parents. My mom and dad bought the books at the check out lane at the grocery store to figure out why I was afraid of the dark and kept forgetting to flush the toilet. I guess they were at least trying to do things right.

Since I had some form of undiagnosed attention deficit I'm sure my bizarre reactions to people, pressure and day to day tasks confused and angered them. They tried everything to get me to snap out of the haze I was in. Luckily, I eventually grew out of it. The fact that they were mostly consistent in their behavior gave me peace of mind. I almost always knew what to expect from them.

Now that I have kids of my own, I can see a direct correlation between the way a child is raised and how they turn out. Children have a limited knowledge base and usually act on things based on selfishness, curiosity and a lack of experience.

When a kid does something good and acceptable, parents should give praise and show affection.

If the child does something dumb, dangerous or anti-social, they should be scolded, and given consequences based on the severity of the transgression.

For example, if your three year old bites a playmate, he should be scolded, put in the corner for a few minutes and be forced to apologize. This needs to be done each and every time until the child knows that the joys of sinking their teeth into human flesh is not tolerated and the consequences outweigh the fun.

It's a hell of a lot of work. When parents get lazy and ignore a bad behavior half the time and go ballistic the other half of the time, the kids get confused and end up learning that the behavior is only unacceptable if they get caught. (How many adults do you know that are like this?)

I would bet that the majority of the prison population right now did not have consistent discipline and supervision when growing up. As a child I may have done some crazy stuff, but nothing that would ever get me in trouble with the law or my get parents involved. That was the kiss of death as far as I knew. Many delinquents have no such fear of authority and consequnces.

These days, you see Jeremiah Wayne Higgins 17 years old on trial for murdering a convenience store clerk and raping the dead body... and there is his momma on the 6 o'clock news telling everyone that he was a good boy and somebody else put him up to it. Riiigght...

Some people think that my method of disciplining kids is mamby pamby. It is sort of, but it seems to work over the long haul. Corporal punishment is a double edged sword, it doesn't work on some kids, and on others it teaches that physical violence can elicit desired behavior from others. Usually a spanking should be the last resort for when the kid is doing something extremely stupid, dangerous and has ignored every other form of punishment. Got to save back the big guns for special occasions.

People look at the way I interact with my kids and are often perplexed. They don't know what to think. I guess these days holding people accountable for their actions is so mid 20th century... When my children are respectful, well behaved and are doing what they are supposed to do, I play with them, take them places and offer lots of praise. When they act up, cuss, lie, destroy each others stuff, write on the walls etc... I punish them, every single time. They must also explain to me exactly what they did and why it was wrong. Then usually 30 min in a chair in the corner is enough to get them to think twice. If the behavior continues, then the offending child misses the next outing, movie, party, visit to relatives etc..

My in laws think my way of disciplining the kids is inhumane. They always get pissed off and try to contradict me by bringing a special present for the child being punished. These dumb asses don't realize this sort of stupid behavior is why both of their sons are convicted felons and their youngest daughter is a psychopath and pathological liar.

Right now, my thinking is, if I don't put 100% into raising these kids they will grow up emotionally and intellectually crippled. They need to be able to go out into the world and become productive, honest and well adjusted members of society. I don't want to spend my golden years, bailing them out of jail, raising my grand kids and constantly dealing with fucked up drama. My 80 year old grandmother is still dealing with daily bullshit from her 49 year old twins. I'll have none of it thanks.

My father told me that the goal of a good parent is to have their children surpass the parents, emotionally, spiritually and financially. He was right. Nothing will make me more proud than to have my children grow up to be better than me.

Recipe: Taj mahal pizza

I had a pizza the other day. It was called a taj mahal.

Ingredients:

One large pre made pizza crust.

Brush with olive oil and sprinkle with salt

add:

6 oz of shredded mozzarella cheese

1 cup canned garbanzo beans

1/4 cup pickled jalapenos

1/2 cup raisins

1/2 Tbs curry powder

1 /2 cup green olives

1 cup red onion sliced thin

Bake at 425 for 8 to 10 min

It may sound weird but it is delicious.

The most disgusting job ever. ( for me at least)

I was hired as a temp to work in the MIS department for a large Mexican restaurant chain. I was working at the help desk, answering calls, repairing computers, installing software, running reports etc... all pretty mundane stuff. I liked the job. It was air conditioned, I got to mess with computers and everyone was pretty cool.

We had an entire restaurant back office setup in my office where we could learn to troubleshoot and repair any problem. Once I became familiar with everything I was put on "field duty"

Being on call with a pager, driving out to our locations and fixing their stuff didn't seem so bad at first. But soon I found out what was really behind the kitchen door...

The dress code for my department was dress slacks, button down dress shirt and nice leather shoes. I soon found out that these clothes were not meant for crawling under greasy slimy counters and cash registers. I ditched the monkey suit and wore jeans and a T shirt whenever called upon to crawl through shit.. which was every day.

Communicating with the folks at the store location was hilarious at best and aneurysm inducing at worst. An assistant manager called me up me up at 3am waking me out of a dead sleep because his back office computer wasn't working.

I went through the whole spiel, is it plugged in? "jehsss.." would be the reply. Is the monitor screen turned on? "jehsss.." would be the reply. On through the list everything checked out.

I got dressed and in my truck at 3:30 in the AM, drive to the gang banger part of town , walk into the back office and there was no computer on the desk. Nearly ballistic at this point, I asked Jose or whatever the hell his name was where his frigging computer went.

"I donno" he replied. The question just begged to be asked. How could you go through 30 min of troubleshooting with me over the phone if you didn't have a goddamn computer?

He said..."I was doing all that stuff you told me to the cash register"

It was all I could do to not dunk this guys head in the fryer and make him bob for tortilla chips.

Did I mention these restaurants were dirty?

Really really dirty...and smelly...and infested with vermin.

Up above the steam counter where they keep the trays of hot food and prepare the plates is a box with numbered buttons that the food server presses whenever they complete an order which takes the order off the screen and prints a ticket.

Electronics and hot steam are not a good combination, so I would have to replace these boxes every so often. When working on these things, I would cover up the food with trays so I wouldn't accidentally drop a screw or a circuit board into the carne guisada. (spicy Beef stew)

Just as I was opening up one of these boxes, one of the line workers moved my tray covering the refried beans so she could fill an order. I yelled for her to stop just as the front of the box came off in my hand and about 15 brown cockroaches and their feces did a syncronized swan dive right into the beans.

She saw it happen. I yelled for her to stop..."no hablo" was her reply. I told her "La cucaracha in el friggin frijoles " She ignored me and continued scooping the beans into tortillas. GRRRR!

It was all I could do not to vomit into the enchiladas... not that anyone would have cared or noticed... I told the manager on duty what happened and he just looked at me with a blank stare. nice....

I was always finding rats everywhere, under the registers, in the computer cabinets, in the food storage but nothing prepared me for working on cables above the ceiling.

It was a normal drop ceiling with those big acoustic tiles you see everywhere. I got up on a step ladder with tools and a flashlight in hand and lifted the ceiling panel.

It was night of the living dead only with rats. Rat shit rained down on me after moving the tile. Looking around, there were hundreds if not thousands of dead, half dead and many very much alive rodents. The shithead manager had put those big sticky paper traps up there. One rat would walk across the paper, get stuck, then the next rat would walk over to see what was up and get stuck himself. The rats would then get bored and hungry and eat each other.

I basically said "screw it. let them fire me" and I went home sick, which wasn't too far from the truth. It was unfortunate that my asshole boss had to go out there in my stead. (tee hee)

Let me tell you about my boss, Ever see office space? Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo?

My boss was about the biggest retard I have ever met. I'll call him Brad. He was a 35ish white guy without a clue. This guy was clueless.. sans-clue. His office was about 20 steps away from mine. He would send daily department memos to me. This was normal. I would read the memo and do what it said or commit it to memory. About 15 minutes later "Bradd" would walk into my office with his memo hot off the laser printer and place it in front of me.

He would say to me..."hammer, here is that memo I emailed you 15 minutes ago"

I couldn't resist... "uhh Brad? why do we have Email? So you can send me your memos from 30 feet down the hall right?" Bradd looked at me dumbfounded with his head cocked to the side.

"Wouldn't it be easier if you just printed your memos out of your word processor, made copies and handed them out to everyone like you do anyway and just skip the Email thing"

"Well, I want to make sure you get my memos" was Bradd's reply.

Sigh...

The Corporate office was not without disgusting incidents.

One Saturday, the cleaning staff urinated in all the restroom soap dispensers. I had to convince several people that they were washing their hands in piss before anyone would take action. Duh! no lather...smells like pee, not soap..isn't the whole point of washing your hands after peeing is to not get more pee on your hands?

There are several more stories from this particular job...to be continued

Funnies for the 400th post

Cats and mice finally learn to get along.

My life with the Coke head cult.

Give up the peanuts already you greedy asshole!

Honey, before we go all the way there's something we need to do...

34-26-110

Hammer on film

No... not really on film.. but about film. I think I missed my calling as a movie critic.

Going to the movies used to be a treat when I was a kid. To my parents credit, I never saw anything above a "G" rating until I was about ten when movies like "Raiders of the lost ark" and "The black hole" came out. Back in those days even B movies had something to offer and were done in a way that was entertaining despite the low budget.

However, starting in the early 90's movies started taking a turn for the craptacular.

Remember these beauties?

Son of the Mask

Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace

Baby Geniuses

Doogal

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

If not you're lucky. Now that I have kids, I'm subjected to more than the normal amount of shitty movies. Mostly on DVD. I usually fall asleep during Disney flicks that have lots of singing. That shit is BORING "LA LA LA I'm a princess and everyone is mean to me LA LA LA. Can't they think of something else?

And now, movie makers think with the success of "Shrek" and "Ice Age" that all they have to do is throw a bunch of Korean animation programmers in a room with Robin Williams Whoopie Goldberg, Billy Crystal and a big pile of cocaine and come up with a box office blockbuster. Well maybe they can... bad example.

Usually the wife has to drag me kicking and screaming or (bribe me with a full flask of martini's) to get me to the theater or to watch some DVD she just bought.

Here are a few examples of movies that surprised me by being pretty good.



Little Miss Sunshine



Sin City


40 Year old Virgin

Headlines that make you go hmmmmm

Cell Phones

It is guaranteed that if someone is driving stupidly in front of me, they have a cell phone in their ear. I'm not sure what people did ten years ago when these devices were less prevalent. Did they talk to themselves? Pick their noses?

Are people more popular these days? Do they have more to say? My question is: Why in the hell are people always on their damn phone? In the grocery line, in the cafe, in the toilet, during coitus?

I don't get it.

It is nice to have a phone if you're waiting for a call or in case of emergency, but it seems the whole damn thing has ballooned out of control.

I remember the first time I saw someone with a head set. He was wearing a business suit and in an airport shuttle sitting next to me. He was talking to thin air, laughing and carrying on with some invisible friend sitting in front of him.

I could see no wires, or microphone and I really wanted off that damn bus and away from this crazy asshole. Then I saw him reach down an push a button . Whew was I relieved.

I didn't think this phenomena could get any worse. But it has. Now with the blue tooth shit, people now install some big silver and blue butt plug looking thing to their head. Now they can walk around completely oblivious to their surroundings and look like a fucking idiot at the same time.

Some places are starting to fight back. I've seen big signs in front of the cash register at Starbucks that read " Please complete your phone call before coming up to the register. If you are on the phone we will help the next customer in line" Good for them. I get really fucking sick of listening to phones going off in a restaurant when I'm trying to enjoy dinner with my friends and family.

And these fucking ring tones... I was in a Macaroni grill on Valentines day and this phone goes off next to me, the ringer said..." PICK UP THE PHONE BITCH" Now come on, that's not even cool. It might be cute at the frat party or at the bar with their slut friends but to have that stuff scream out in the middle of someones dinner with kids around? Not classy.

I've read that some places in Europe are installing wall panels that block cell phone signals to prevent rude stupid people from disrupting others during , plays, meals, movies etc... I agree wholeheartedly. Leave that shit in the car. They can go 30 minutes without gabbing with some other asshole. I know they can.

The private sector better start taking care of this issue before the government starts deciding what's good for us.

Getting some odd Emails

I'm getting a bunch of Emails at the address I use for blog comments. Apparently someone thinks I'm hot shit:

Here are a few examples:

First i would like to say you are a sexy manit you want to have a good time i willl onlybe on msn mnessnger beckytely@hotmail.com

hello hot stuff i love your pic you want to some funmsnmessnger me beckytely@hotmail.com

what up hot man you want too have fun i will be on msn messnger onlymailto:onlycitbecky@hotmail.com

Hi! Thank you for reading my message. I am darya, I am a 27-year-old Russian lady. Haven't you heard about Russian winters? It is cold here now but I have a warm kind heart to support you if you decide to come here. I am looking for a man of my dream! Please, drop me some lines: mailto:darya@bestgirls2u.org

Wow you are one great looking guyi hope you like to have funi want to have have msn messneger me only citbecky@hotmail.com

Not sure who these people are, but they must have seen this pic I posted on the blog and thought one of them was me. Sorry to dissapoint ladies, I'm not near as sexy as these fine specimens.

The grocery store

I do all the shopping for the family. Why you ask? Because as a man I can get in and get out with $150 worth of groceries in 20 minutes with no bullshit. You might be eating fried egg sandwiches for three days straight, but your ass will be fed.

When my wife comes home from the grocery store she has shit like Kleenex with super mega lotion and Italian pomegranate soda, new toothbrushes, crusty broccoli bites and six kinds of crackers. I try to stay positive, "Uh honey this stuff is nice but where is the food?" Oh well, at least we have pomegranate soda and crackers for dinner.

I used to have a problem buying personal products at the store. It was a total stereotypical man thing. Tampons...sheesh that was fucking torture. The very first time I popped my tampon buying cherry, I was 12 years old standing there sweating, face flushed, embarrassed as hell and I know every mother fucker in line is staring at me. Then the cashier says"Oh my god I know we have a coupon for these in the flyer, let me check my coupon flyer just a second..."

Then the overly helpful cashier gets on the intercom " Bob, do you have a copy of the flyer with the super Tampax ultra heavy flow summer fresh scented coupon", this young gentleman needs one"

"Here we go.. look I saved you 50 cents!" By this time I'm screaming in my head SHUT UP SHUT UP GODDAMMIT! Oh lord, now everyone is snickering as I'm standing red faced and with big sweat stains under my arm pits. It's not my fucking money anyway you fucking retard. Do they think 12 year olds go looking for bargain tampons? Nope! mom is outside in the fucking station wagon getting uterus drippings all over the fucking seats.

And those knowing looks....Like when I first started buying condoms....they looking at you with that look, like the cashier is picturing you naked with a Trojan ribbed ultra max on your erection. It's a lingering creepy look ..then they say with a smarmy smile "Have a niiiice day... Yeah asshole I'm using them on your mom in 20 minutes... prick.

I've got a big family, we use lots of toilet paper, I don't like running out, then I'm stuck using those lotion Kleenex things that are so damn greasy they make you swipe the wipe halfway up your back...To quote Martha Stewart..not a good thing.

So, I'm in the store with the industrial triple roll triple ply 24 pack of ass wipes and once again I get the look... and I can hear the checker's thoughts..."gee that big guy must shit a lot" " Good lord I bet he drops some motherfucking bombs... " and I'm like, "hey fucker you said that out loud..."

Yeah, I hate going to the store.

Friday feast meme

Saw this over at Anne's place and thought it was interesting.

Appetizer :
Where on your body do you have a scar, and what caused it?
On my left forearm two long jagged scars from putting my arm through a plate glass window when I was 14. 20 stitches or so.

Soup :
What is something that has happened to you that you would consider a miracle? Living through all the dumb and dangerous stuff I did as a kid and young adult.

Salad :
Name a television personality who really gets on your nerves.
Rosie O''Donnell she is a loudmouthed, vile hypocrite.

Main Course :
What was a funny word you said as a child (such as "pasketti" for "spaghetti")?
My first word was joosh (Should have been juice)

Dessert : Fill in the blank:
I have always thought __Supermodels__and what is generally accepted as beauty is boring and overrated.

Odd people

I've met lots of strange, creepy and funny people in my travels. I'm sure they will be happy to be immortalized here.


When I was growing up I would stay over at my best friends house. This was all fine and dandy except the problem was his mom liked to walk around naked. She would also call her teenage son into the bathroom make him to rub medicine on her back while she was naked on the toilet taking a dump. I was really embarrassed for him.

During the summer she would come home on her lunch hour with some guy she just met. She would send us kids outside, then have sex in the front living room with the windows and blinds open. We would wait outside on the sidewalk until she got done. She always wanted to kiss the youngest son goodbye with the mouth she just blew the stranger with...Gross


There was a strange little man at my work that nobody could stand.

He had a really high squeaky voice, smelled really bad and had a club foot.

He was a pervert who groped his female co-workers. Instead of firing him, they moved him into an office with me. (I don't know who I pissed off to get stuck with him) All day, he would tell me stories about his days as a prison guard and how he would climb down a rope to take pictures of the male inmates having sex. (He offered to show me his scrap book) If that wasn't bad enough, he was also an expert in animal husbandry and would explain all the gory details to anyone who would listen. This guy kept a large jar of decayed horse teeth on his desk. I really don't know why.

I'll tell you the worst thing of all was the fact he sold Amway distributorships. If you have ever met one of those you'll know exactly what I mean.


One time my friend and his younger brother rushed up to me and excitedly explained to me that they had found this really cool enlightened holy man and I should go with them to hear him talk.

I didn't have anything else better to do so I went with them to an apartment complex and entered the holy man's apartment through a broken sliding glass door.

Every inch of the 1200 square foot place was covered with black trash bags filled with clothes and junk. The place smelled bad. I figured this was going to get interesting.

In the middle sitting on a rug draped over the garbage bags sat the closest approximation to Charles Manson I can imagine. He was sipping a bottle of Bacardi 151 rum and was flanked by a Tec 9 and Beretta 9mm pistol on each side of him.

This guy started going off about the government. He showed me this copper tab on his necklace that supposedly was the key to all the secret government computers. He told us everyone was after his valuable key because they couldn't dominate the world as long as it was in his possession.

I didn't argue with the guy because he had the guns. I glanced over at my friends expecting them to be laughing at the practical joke they just pulled on me. But alas they were transfixed on Manson juniors crazed babbling.

Surprisingly this freaky smelly guy had a girlfriend. She told me that she had been travelling with this one hippy dude in a VW bus for 18 years until she met (crazy Manson dude), immediately fell in love and dumped her long time companion.

Up to this point I'm a little nervous and literally itching to get out of there when I notice the girlfriend is in a full 1960's style Star Trek uniform complete with tricorder and communicator.

I couldn't help but ask if she went to a convention or something. She told me that wore the uniform everyday because she believes in what the Federation of planets stands for.

Glancing at my watch I quickly bid the freaky people fare well. Annoyed at my unexpected departure my friends asked me " so what did you think man he's really out there right?"

I told them I couldn't agree more.

I like Vegas

I consider Las Vegas a sort of home away from home. There's something about it that makes me feel good. The place isn't perfect and sometimes the timeshare assholes, nudie pamphlet hander outers, cabby's and panhandlers can get on my nerves, but once I'm in a casino/hotel everything seems to come together and I'm right at home.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big time gambler, drinker, show watcher or whore diddler. I just like to soak in the atmosphere, the flashing lights, the beeping of the machines and the care free feeling that seems to emanate from the place.

There's nothing better than dropping a few quarters in a machine, drinking an ice cold bud and not have to worry about going to bed, getting up or even driving home.

I usually stay in the Luxor. It's the big glass pyramid. The rooms are nice and have an Egyptian artifact motif thing going on. The elevators (inclinators) go up and sideways and there are always drunk people on the elevator that don't realize this and it's great fun to watch them puke on their shoes. The other great thing is you can reach 5 other casinos without even stepping outside. Tunnels, trams and moving sidewalks can take you pretty much anywhere you want to go. If not, hop in a cab and it's just a short 8 dollar ride to about anywhere on the strip.

The food is pretty good if you know where to look. No place is really bad except the Excalibur breakfast buffet....(shudder) Gone are the days of the coupon books and 99 cent steak and eggs but if you shop around you can do alright.

I also like Vegas because I am luckier than the average person when it comes to winning money. After about 11 trips to Vegas in the last 16 years I think I've only had one losing streak.

I think it's because I know when to walk away, cash in my chips and take my winnings back to the hotel room. Many than once I've walked up to a machine, won $400. $500 or $700 took it to my wife and said "we're not spending that."

I think the best ever was when I won the super nickel jackpot, I think it was 50,000 nicklels. We took the money, went to see a couple comedians, ate at nice steak house and went to the machine gun range and shot up everything they had. Those poor guys almost broke their thumbs loading submachinegun magazines for me. Hehehe

The wife and I are easy to please when it comes to vacations and even if we are just sitting by the pool with a top shelf margarita, an umbrella and no worries I'm fine with that.

I've finally decided that I don't like going with other people. I took my in laws and they were too scared and too cheap to have any fun. I took my bowling team and they were angry about losing money and complained about everything. I took my dad and his wife and all they wanted to do was sit at one machine for 18 hours straight until either they or the machine got all the money. I took my nephew and his wife and they just wanted to eat constantly. Fucking pigs.

From now on it's just me and the wife. No pressure no hassles and no worries.

I'm going to plan another trip here in the next few months, I think I need a recharge.

Depending on your personality, it can be a fun place even if you don't drink, gamble or diddle whores.

Frigging amazing

E sent me this link about a guy who bought a piece of property in Portugal with an old barn on it.

When he cut the lock this is what he found inside:

http://www.intuh.net/barnfinds/

Wednesday funnies

Don't eat the Chimichangas on the buffet!

Excuse me, I need to talk to the manager..there's something in my coffee...

Go ahead punk..make my day

Decent jobs are hard to come by in some parts of the world.

"Bruce said they were a little short but I think they're fabulous!"

Nephew has a new daddy...

My nephew was born out of wedlock, his mom, (my wife's sister ) Got pregnant at 18 dropped out of high school and moved away from their small town and any embarrassment. She never named the father.

My nephew I'll call Chris which I talked about here never seemed to mind not having a dad even when unkind strangers pressed the subject with him. He had his grandfather and later myself to fill the role.

When Chris was about 17 he started hanging out with a female acquaintance. He didn't like her very much because she was not very attractive and was loud, pushy and overbearing. (he told me this). Chris never really had much in the way of testicular fortitude and could never tell this girl (Doris) to leave him alone. I tried to help him when he stated he wanted to be rid of her, but he wouldn't follow through. Doris was pushing really hard to get past being friends and to start dating. She was basically living there at his house and already taking control of Chris's life as his mother was becoming more and more absent from the role.

Doris hated me and was jealous that Chris and I were buddies, she did everything she could to sabotage our Tuesday pint night and time we spent hanging out.

About this time, Chris's mom got divorced and started pushing him out of her house and expressing her dislike for Doris. This had the opposite than desired effect, Chris rebelled and married Doris in short order. My sister in law lied to Chris and told him I was on her side so Doris got her way and had Chris all to her self.

A couple of years have gone by, Chris and Doris have two kids and she still pushes him around and barks orders like a drill Sergeant. They live in her parents converted garage. He looks miserable and complains but never stands up to her. Because crossing Doris means going all the way. He's not a fighter and is not willing to take the steps to get her under control.

This whole time Doris has been harping on my nephew to find his real father. As Chris got older we pretty much knew who the guy was just by looking at him. Chris didn't care at all who dropped his load into his estranged mother 20 plus years ago but Doris wouldn't let up.

My wife showed Doris the name and picture of the suspected father from a highschool year book in hopes of finally shutting her up. Doris claimed it was for family health reasons.

Recently, she went online and found the guy on myspace.com. She wrote a letter and told the guy that he was the biological father of her husband.

Chris wasn't into this at all, but since he always caves in, he went ahead and met with the guy. To this man's credit, he took Chris to the doctor and had a DNA test run on himself Chris and another girl that he had raised as his daughter but was never sure.

Sure enough, it came back positive.

Chris's biological father and his family were well known by my wife's family (as in infamous), the grandpa was a white supremacist bank robber, the mom had sex with 13 year olds in the neighborhood when her husband was in jail, all the kids were trouble and Chris's biological father dumped his seed all over town making Chris his 3rd unknown illegitimate child.

Now Doris is insisting that they form a relationship with these people. She constantly harps on how trashy they are and will not stop talking about them. It's like mixing an episode of Jerry Springer with a trainwreck full of inbred mental patients. Chris is ambivalent. he works full time, goes to school, takes care of his kids and doesn't feel like spending his time with a bunch of weird people he doesn't know.

Now Doris wants to drag my family into it. Personally, accepting her and her family was enough for me, I'm not too hot on the idea of subjecting myself and my kids to a bunch of white trash lowlife assholes she seems so fond of.

I just wish my nephew would grow a set of nuts and finally put Doris in her place. Of course then she'll probably threaten suicide again....

I can't fight his battles for him anymore, but it sure is tempting. I'm considering just removing myself and my family from the situation until this gets sorted out.

Bruised and battered but still kicking.

Went out to my dad's property this past weekend to celebrate his 60th birthday.

We drank some scotch and shot the shit for a while. As it got dark, I didn't notice that the legs on my tall metal chair were sinking into the soft sand. Next thing we know myself, my friend Gary and my dad are all laying on the ground. The chairs back legs sank so far, that we finally went falling over backwards one after another onto the hard driveway and some pointy rocks

I'm beat up pretty bad, with bruises, scratches and gouges, and Dad and Gary about the same.

We ended up sleeping out there and coming home early the next morning. Felt like someone put me in a clothes dryer for an hour with some rocks. I'm staying away from Scotch and unstable ground from now on.

I often sleep with the bedroom TV going, and this morning I woke with a terrible ringing in my ears. It seems the TV was giving off a high pitched whine that messed with my hearing. I'm not crazy, the wife heard it too. Problem is, that even when I turned the TV off the ringing didn't go away.

So now I have three separate rings in my ears, the new one from the TV, the one from shooting guns and the one from the rock concert in 1986. The sound in my head is not unlike the tone from the emergency broadcast system.

I went to go buy a new TV and I came to realize that these electronic stores must not want to sell anything.

First, I went to a high end consumer electronics store by the house that sells $40,000 plasma virtual, high def, bend over and give a reach-around televisions. I told them that I wanted one of their $350 tube televisions. The looked at me like I had three penises coming out of my forehead. "uh well sir we don't carry much low technology here"

Sure enough, they had three shitty looking 27 inch sets in a dusty corner that were from some companies I never heard of.

Next, I went to Circuit City and saw exactly what I wanted for the right price. I stood there for 15 min while three nineteen year old punk ass sales guys stood 20 feet from me and laughing and giggling like a bunch of Kansas City faggots. I was trying to get their attention but was resolved not to go over and grab them. They had to earn the fucking sale god damnit. Again, I walked out empty handed and told the customer service manager on the way out that his sales people were fucking worthless. That asshole didn't even try to stop me. Obviously my money isn't good enough for these walking cunt faces.

Next stop was Best Buy. Again I found my TV but not one person working in this gigantic fucking store except for one guy stocking video games and a few cashiers.

I told the stocker I needed help with the TVs. He said he knew nothing about them. I told him to fucking find somebody who did ... Finally some nice girl came out who looked like a manager and got me hooked up with a hi def flat screen 32 inch tube television for about $400.

The sonovabitch weighs about 350 pounds and is front heavy, It took me about an hour to get it out of the car and use my bruised and battered body to roll this behemoth up two flights of stairs and into the cabinet.

My wife is very happy with her new surprise, this is the first TV I've ever bought that didn't come from a pawnshop or as a hand me down.

Now If I could just get my fucking ears to stop ringing so I could enjoy it.

Taking a short break

See you guys in a few days.

New Mexico the land of Enchantment....yeah right

The family and I recently took a driving trip to New Mexico.

We started at the bottom near Carlsbad and Alamogordo and worked our way north.

We basically stayed at the Hampton inn in each town because we had some free nights coming to us.
The kids got to swim and breakfast was free. Not a bad place.

All these towns are about the same. squat, dusty and pretty boring. Some of the local cuisine is pretty good but unless you are going to a specific attraction there isn't much to do.

Our ultimate goal was Taos because I had driven through about 12 years ago and thought it looked like a cool place to visit for some culture.

Boy was I wrong. The Kit Carson park was full of meth heads, bums and drifters. Dirty squalid little stores and fast food restaurants littered the landscape.

We finally got to the part of Taos that had the touristy shops and art galleries but we were so disgusted by all the pan handlers, and other lowlife hanging out everywhere we decided that this wasn't a place to bring the kids. We kept driving.

I pulled into a parking lot to turn around and was blocked in by a drug deal in progress. This 400 pound dealer kept waving me to drive by him as he and his customer blocked the exit.

We sat far back for a couple minutes, I checked my S&W 642 hoping I wasn't going to have to fight my way out of this hell hole. Finally I saw a place where I could drive through the grass and jump the curb.

I saw several cops in town but they all had people with out of state license plates pulled over. Figured they were too busy making revenue to worry about a park filled with a couple of dozen meth heads waiting for the friday night shipment.

We headed out of Taos rather quickly and stopped for a picnic at the Rio Grand gorge about 30 miles out. It had nice views and a clean set of tables place to sit down.

We drove on to Los Alamos and man was I surpirsed what a nice clean friendly town it was. We stayed there that night and went to the Bradbury museum (not the writer, rather the head of Los Alamos labs after oppenheimer) Pretty cool place with lots of science stuff, Atomic bombs, missiles, geiger counters, plutonium and a film on restoring and rebuilding your 1965 nuclear warhead Lots of fun for the kids.

Granted, the whole place was a government funded nuclear weapon propaganda outfit but hey, I like nukes. Since the whole town is dependent on nuclear research and testing I can't blame them for touting their bread and butter.

Santa Fe was nice with some good food and a 4th of July festival. The fireworks show was also impressive I've never seen that much set off at one time.

Overall, the drive had lots of cool scenery, from sage brush, to buttes, mountains, and lush pine forest.

However, next time I think I'll try camping and fishing instead of stopping in the boring dirty towns.

meme

Was tagged by Judith.

1. A song? Sunshine of your love by Cream
2. An 80's rock album? Diary of a Madman Ozzy Osbourne
3. A singer? Dean Martin
4. A man? Joe Foss
5. A woman? Margaret Thatcher
6. A writer? Ben Stein
7. A book? The Wind in the Willows
8. A word? Trichinosis
9. A movie? 40 year old virgin
10. A wise statement " don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer"
11. A colour? Inferno red crystal pearl
12. A flower? Corpse flower
13. A fictional character? Honest Lawyer
14. A name? "Lester killed the enemy" (an American Indian I once knew)
15. A guitarist? Toni Iommi
16. A guitar?A Gibson SG
17. An Age? Do they even have them anymore?
18. A famous Historical character? Ike
19. A flavour? Orange
20. A meal? Spinach Lasangne
21. A country? Bjibouti (I like saying it)
22. A city? Dallas
23. A monument? Vietnam Memorial

I tag Jeannie, Kat and Cheesy

Cars meme

Stucco suggested that we do a meme where we talk about the one car we wish we had back and and also the car we wish we never had.

It's a really tough decision but I would have to say for me the one I wish I had back was my 73 Plymouth Satellite Sebring. It has a funny story to go along with it:

I used to work at a company with my best friend Gary, I wrote about him here.. His dad (I'll call Johnny) was a VP of manufacturing and making a lot of money. He went through cars like they were kleenex. Gary's dad had borrowed against the company stock and bought a lot of cool grownup toys, corvettes, jeeps, ATVs, and stuff. The stock went tits up and Johnny was fucked when the bank came for the loan. Johnny was a dick to work for and had stolen our Christmas bonus 3 years in a row instead of distributing the money to his employees, so I kinda chuckled when he had to stick all his toys up on the auction block. He was an asshole.

Now near destitute from his unwise money habits Johnny needed a car. He was an intelligent man overall and knew his way around vehicles. He bought a 1973 Plymouth Satellite Sebring. It was white with Avocado top and Avocodo paisley interior. It was in perfect condition and he paid $700 for it.

As soon as Johnny pulled into work driving the Satellite, the other VP's in the company saw it and he became a laughing stock, the other guys invested their stock money and got rich, they were driving Lexus's, Caddies and BMWs.

I broke a commandment and coveted that car. I must have asked to buy it off him a dozen times. It was perfect. I had to have it. Johnny soon got back on his feet and bought a Ford F350 Diesel.

Gary's 1989 mustang convertible was stolen from my apartment complex so he inherited the Satellite. At least I got to ride in it now. Gary was ambivalent, he didn't give a shit about the car and being the nasty slovenly fucker he was, he began abusing the car horribly.

He never changed the oil, He used the back seat for a garbage dumpster. He threw half eaten food over his shoulder as he drove. He went to the river with some of the guys at work and left an ice chest full of meat and beer in the trunk for six months.

I was saddened when I saw the car. The back seat was level full to the windows with stinky garbage, the ice chest full of meat had putrefied and you couldn't get within 10 feet of the car without falling down and puking your guts out.

Gary didn't mind the smell at all. I had to ride in it when my own car broke down and I spent the whole time with my head out the window gagging. I offered to remove the rotten meat bomb but Gary had lost the trunk key. Since it really didn't bother him, it wasn't on his list of priorities.

One day Gary got a hair up his ass about wanting a 68 cougar. So he went and bought one. He got screwed, it was made up of several different cars and a magnet would not stick to any part of the thing. ( all plastic body filler). But Gary was just as impulsive and unwise as his father.

So he parked the satellite in his back yard and left it to rot.

Here was my chance. I sold my Chevy Nova to a friend who had blown up the motor in his car. This started a chain of events. When I get my mind set on something it usually happens.

Gary was starting a new job and didn't have money for the proper dress attire. so I took him to Mervyns with my charge card and said I would buy him $300 worth of clothes if he gave me the Satellite.

Deal!

I drove the poor thing home, it hadn't had an oil change in about 30,000 miles, it kept overheating and the frigging thing wouldn't stay running. The smell had died down a little from the ice chest, so I was able to roll all the windows down and get it home.

Luckily, the outside of the car had so much built up grime that it protected the paint.
I used a shovel to empty the fossilized pizza, burgers and burritos from the back seat. That disgusting mess filled up 5 large black trash bags. Gary was a filthy disturbed fucker....

I soaked a large tube sock with Brute 33 cologne and tied it around my face. The neighbors looked concerned but since this was pre 9/11 it was no big deal.

I drilled the lock on the trunk and opened it...

The blast of hot stench penetrated my protection and about knocked me out. I was almost tempted to open the cooler to see what had transpired over the last 8 months, but my common sense got the better of me. I dragged it next to the apartment dumpster and left it in case someone wanted to claim the ice chest and get a surprise Tee hee.

I changed the oil, added lubralon (great engine restorer) flushed the radiator, changed the plugs and wires, washed and waxed it and steam cleaned the interior.

The car started right up and was perfect again. I was very happy.I installed a CD player in the glove box and some 6x9 speakers in the trunk. The car sounded great. I could get this car up to 130 on the highway, it had ice cold AC and comfortable bucket seats. Even if they were Dark Green Paisley..

....

One day, I was waiting at a stop sign and a girl in a little Dodge Shadow rear ended me at about 40mph. Her car was flattened up to the firewall, the poor driver had to be taken to the hospital. It dented my trunk a little. Since my car was so old, the adjuster totaled my car. The insurance company gave me $600 and let me buy the car back for $50. I drove it for another year or so. I wasn't too happy about the rear end damage and I couldn't find anyone who would fix the car for under $1500.

.....

One day the AC compressor went out so I took it in and traded it on a loaded 1986 Grand Marquis. They said they would work out any trade so I brought my junker in and got another $500 for it. I wish I had that car or another one like it.

Next post will be about the car I wish I never had.

.....

Anyone who wants to do this meme and write about the car they wish they had back, I'd like to read about it.

Bill Clinton Valentine

A nice little video for Valentines day

Have a great Valentines day everyone!

I love cars

Since my father owned a couple of body shops, tool and supply, and a frame and alignment place when I was a kid, I was always around cars. I've been working on them since I was tall enough to reach over the hood. Before that, I would crawl right into the engine compartment and work from there.

I love cars, I like the way they smell, even old rotten musty car odor. One of my favorite things is to do is browse through old junkyards, car shows or a field full of abandoned cars.





I can even do a small amount of archeology by pulling out the back seat of an old beat up car and look at all the stuff that was dropped back there. I've found lots of cash, toys, old receipts, women's undergarments, and anything else that slipped out of a pocket.

Most of my life I've owned old beat up cars. Up until recently I never paid more than $1000 for a car. It gave me a true sense of freedom not having to worry about door dings, car theft, car jacking and especially a monthly car payment. I think I've owned at least 20 cars in the last 20 years

Here are the ones I remember, there were probably more.

1974 Cutlass.. lasted one week got my money back

1974 Dodge Dart sport ..my first real car.

1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88.. The first car I bought on my own and one of the best.

1977 Chevy Nova.. practical and tough as nails

1973 Plymouth Satellite Very cool. I traded $300 worth of clothes for it.

1977 Ford LTD 2 door. Nice car but unreliable and slow

1986 Mercury grand Marquis. Great car. It got 50mpg on the highway at 55mph with cruise control on. I should have never sold it.

1978 Lincoln MK V Paid $300. Loaned it out and it was wrecked by a friend.

1976 Volkswagen beetle. I rebuilt the car only to have the engine blow out..junked it with no money to fix it.

1985 Isuzu pickup long bed. given to me by my father after the VW blew up. The truck had one bad cylinder and would only go 50mph..lots of pissed off people behind me on the way to work.

1994 Mitsubishi mighty max pickup. Indestructible, the first new car I ever owned, 5 people wrecked into me and it still runs. Gave it to my father in law as a gift. He still drives it to this day.

1981 Ford F150 farm truck. I traded a computer for this truck and drove it for a couple of years. Very solid and dependable despite all the terrible abuse it got before me. It was painted white with a latex roller brush. Gave it to my father who still uses it as a ranch truck.

1962 Cadillac Sedan de ville. Bought this beat up wreck for $400 with hopes of restoring it. but I ran out of money and it got towed by the city for being an eyesore.

1992 Nissan Sentra SER. Very cool little car. My wife drove it for 9 years decided to trade it for a safer kid friendly car.

1974 Chevy Impala. I loved this car. Bought it off an old lady for $500. I used it for my door to door computer repair business because nobody would imagine a car that shitty containing $10,000 worth of computer equipment.

1990 Lincoln Town car. Very nice, very comfortable and respectable. I drove it until it had a problem that was costing me too much to keep fixing.

1999 Dodge Durango. My first SUV. Nice vehicle but too many service bulletins... had to trade it when ten things broke at once..

2001 Nissan Maxima 20th anniversary edition. Good car...terrible turning radius not comfortable for someone 6ft 5in.

2002 Ford F150 XLT. Probably the most reliable vehicle I've ever owned. It could do anything.

2004 Ford F150 XLT Nicer on the inside than the 2002 but not enough torque. I adopted my kids so I had to trade up to a bigger vehicle.

2004 Ford Expedition Eddie Bauer. Despite some electrical problems a good solid vehicle That I drive to this day.

1977 Ford Granada. I bought this car when I worked as a bouncer and a DJ in a bar. The drunken asshole clientele would not stop smashing beer bottles on my new truck, so this became the bar car.

2006 Dodge Charger SRT8.

Bought this for my wife for a 15th marriage anniversary present and 20th anniversary on her job present. This car is scary fast, drives and handles like no other car I've ever driven. 3 traffic tickets so far. Gets lots of stares. If I had this car when I was 20 I wouldn't be alive right now. I think this one is a keeper.

I'm slowing down in my old age. The only thing I want now is an old classic car that I can restore with my kids and go cruising. My kids love cars as much as I do. I don't want to deny them the same experiences I had.