The grocery store
I do all the shopping for the family. Why you ask? Because as a man I can get in and get out with $150 worth of groceries in 20 minutes with no bullshit. You might be eating fried egg sandwiches for three days straight, but your ass will be fed.
When my wife comes home from the grocery store she has shit like Kleenex with super mega lotion and Italian pomegranate soda, new toothbrushes, crusty broccoli bites and six kinds of crackers. I try to stay positive, "Uh honey this stuff is nice but where is the food?" Oh well, at least we have pomegranate soda and crackers for dinner.
I used to have a problem buying personal products at the store. It was a total stereotypical man thing. Tampons...sheesh that was fucking torture. The very first time I popped my tampon buying cherry, I was 12 years old standing there sweating, face flushed, embarrassed as hell and I know every mother fucker in line is staring at me. Then the cashier says"Oh my god I know we have a coupon for these in the flyer, let me check my coupon flyer just a second..."
Then the overly helpful cashier gets on the intercom " Bob, do you have a copy of the flyer with the super Tampax ultra heavy flow summer fresh scented coupon", this young gentleman needs one"
"Here we go.. look I saved you 50 cents!" By this time I'm screaming in my head SHUT UP SHUT UP GODDAMMIT! Oh lord, now everyone is snickering as I'm standing red faced and with big sweat stains under my arm pits. It's not my fucking money anyway you fucking retard. Do they think 12 year olds go looking for bargain tampons? Nope! mom is outside in the fucking station wagon getting uterus drippings all over the fucking seats.
And those knowing looks....Like when I first started buying condoms....they looking at you with that look, like the cashier is picturing you naked with a Trojan ribbed ultra max on your erection. It's a lingering creepy look ..then they say with a smarmy smile "Have a niiiice day... Yeah asshole I'm using them on your mom in 20 minutes... prick.
I've got a big family, we use lots of toilet paper, I don't like running out, then I'm stuck using those lotion Kleenex things that are so damn greasy they make you swipe the wipe halfway up your back...To quote Martha Stewart..not a good thing.
So, I'm in the store with the industrial triple roll triple ply 24 pack of ass wipes and once again I get the look... and I can hear the checker's thoughts..."gee that big guy must shit a lot" " Good lord I bet he drops some motherfucking bombs... " and I'm like, "hey fucker you said that out loud..."
Yeah, I hate going to the store.
posted by Bill Rowland @ February 23, 2007
30 Comments
30 Comments:
I don't recall that I've ever bought Tampon's in a store. When I was younger it would have bothered me, but not at my age.
It's fun to shop for clothes for women. You look at the sweaters with a lost look on your face and a girl comes by and asks if she can help you.
You say you are looking for a sweater for your girlfriend but you don't know what size she wears.
She usually asks if the girlfriend is about her size so you stand there looking at her chest......
LOL
And I don't care what they think when I buy K-Y Jelly. Let them amuse their minds any way they like, I do.
Hi, Ive been lurking for awhile, found you through Scott, and I have to speak up here, hopefully to ease your anxiety.
As a former grocery cashier, I have to tell you, we really don't think about what you're buying. As a woman, the tampon thing would impress me though. A man (especially at age 12) who is "man enough" to purchase that, despite embarrassment, for someone (obviously not for himself!) he cares about, is worthy of high praise!
$150 worth of groceries in 20 minutes with no bullshit.
Man, you are SLOW. $200 worth of food in 10 minutes. And that includes time spent in the line at the cash register.
Very funny post Hammer, as usual!
lol.....LOLLOLOOLLOL
Sorry,,, LOL
YOU CRACKED ME UP WITH THIS ONE..
Sounds like you're a bag it and drag it back to the cave kinda guy...
And RE buying tamps... just hold um high while standing in line and shout,,,
I GOTTA WOOOOMAN!!!
I'm with you on the grocery shopping 100%. As for buying tampons, it was just as embarrassing when I had to buy my own at the age of 11.
I may just steal the idea for a post or search my blog to see if I've already done it. I should use the tag things huh?
Happy Friday Hammer ! Great illustration/picture at the top ! (lol).
Poor you having to buy tampons for your Mom... Not fun for a boy to do.
I love grovery shopping, and you are right, sometimes you come home and go, hmmmm, all this money spent and WHERE is the food ???
Industrial toilet papaer is too rough for my soft skin -- I go for Charmin's every time - and the 6 double roll size pack works quite well.
I bought a box of those giant Kotex Mammoth Pads in the purple box one time for a "school project". Nobody would go in and buy them but I figured, who could really give a crap what I bought as long as I paid for it? The cashier just gave me a puzzled look to which I replied, "You're better off not knowing..." High school aged boys must not buy many Kotex.
True story-- My sister was in line at a Long's drugs. A woman dropped down some Tampax product in front of her in line, and the cashier couldn't find the price.
"I need a price check on Tampax" sh called over the loudspeaker.
The young bagger dude went off and looked. He came back with a question. Apparently, what he heard was "thunb tacks" because he asked "Is that the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you hit in with a hammer?"
I buy tampons and KY Jelly at the same time just to freak out the cashier.
Ahhhh...the story trials and tribulations of a married man....
I've been there buddy....I've been there...
Hold me? ;)
Steve~
BBC: I've got to the point now where I don't care anymore too. I was too high strung and humorless as a youngun.
nikky: thanks for visiting! I feel better that the creepy cashier gaze is just my overactive imagination.
dan: Show off, 18 packs of batteries doesn't count as shopping ;)
cheesy: yeah I should have done that, or started shoplifting ;)
jeannie: That would be embarassing, like buying a training bra or something. You guys have it pretty rough.
annie: I buy the good stuff now too many jalepeno nights for me to be using the rough stuff ;)
JP: lol school project? Or epic prank? ;)
scott: lol reminds me of the guy who went to the pharmacist to buy condoms for the first time, "how much" he asked "$3.99 plus tax" said the pharmacist.
The customer replied "oh damn I thought they stayed on by themselves"
matt-man: You are a wild man ;)
steven: See you in therepy next week, bring tissues. ;)
Next time take out a list and tell the mob, "the tampons are right here on the list"
I'm with you, when I go shopping with my wife, it is like an eternity.
When I do it myself, I'm done half the time with twice as much edible goods.
If I lived in town I would have Albertsons deliver my stuff...
I don't even like taking 20 mins to buy food.
Oh yeah... food is ALL I buy when I go shopping. Your tougher than I am. Girlfriend is on her own when it comes to feminine products, toilet paper, or even toothpaste.
I buy the food.
My ex-husband use to have a joke ready to shout out before anyone even reach to open their mouth.
Per example if he had gone for that toilet-paper case, he would have said with loud voice as he put it one the desk: "...And here is the toilet-paper. It's a lot of shit in my family. When I think about it...maybe I should take two packets..."
OMG I'm LAUGHING so hard! I've seen you on Carrie's blog before but haven't jumped over to check your blog out.
My husband does all our grocery shopping, too. He says the same thing that he buys more for less, compared to when I shop. Your wife's shopping sounds more like mine. LOL
I've got to ask him if he's ever bought tampons.
Aw hell, I probably get looked at like that all the time. Since hubby uses half a roll of toilet paper every bathroom visit, I usually buy in major bulk!
I hear you can use pomegranate soda to take rust off your engine block.
BEAJ: I'm made my peace with the tampons finally, but I'm still the better shopper.
Ryan: I wish we had delivery, that way I could order the really embarassing stuff, like laxatives and hemmoroid cream.
Kirsten your ex had the right idea, honesty is the best policy :)
cece: thanks for visiting, no worries, it's easy to get distracted without a shopping list ;)
nomas: the Sams or costco can load me up with TP by the pallet. ;)
Phosgene: after tasting the stuff I'm not surprised :)
Pomegranite soda??? where the hell do you get that??? I want some. hehehe
I hate shopping, I'm an in there and out kind of person. My husband on the other hand, will browse around and buy all sorts of shit. He is totally numb to the embarrassing buys of women things. When we were doing all the fertility drugs to have a baby, I was sick alot, so he went tot he store about every 4 weeks to get a pregnancy test and k-y whatever. hehehehe
At least you aren't one of those guys, that go to the store to get their wives a bottle of cranberry juice. And come home with 3 bags of chips, two kinds of dip, some jalepeno's and a super size chili dog but no juice. But I digress. hehehee
Have a good weekend Hammer
Try explaining that you are buying the tampons for your almost 12 year old daughter that has just become a little lady.......
Isn't that awkward?
Flyinfox_SATX
Keeping my fingers crossed but luck is on my side, haven't had to buy the dreaded feminine products yet but the designer in me wants to desperately design an actual product like the pic at the top of your post.
i eat fried egg sandwiches for 3 days in a row all the time
would not be cuaght anywhere near crusted what? broccoli florettes and pomegranette soda. I have my sheshy fru fru items tho, but crusted broccoli ain't one of em.
anyway
that tampon picture CRACKED me up!!!!!!
I wanted to stop here and thank you for the link you left in your comment, powerful stuff. thanks
burfica: After being married almost 16 years I'm numb to buying most anything, and yeah when the wife needs cranberry she gets cranberry ;)
flyinfox: Oh yeah I got that shit to look forward to in about 6 years. Oh well I'm gettting pretty good at shopping for the right level of feminie protection ;)
Sornie: lucky you :) Yeah that pirate is pretty cool not sure where I found it.
infinitesimal: Some of that gormet stuff tastes like unwashed ass.
If I'm going to go fru fru I do Brie, apples, grapes, chamapgne and chocolate dipped strawberries.
Sarge charlie: You're welcome. I've had the pleasure of meeting most of those guys, and the writer and singer of the beginning song. I'll point you in the direction of the whole documentary when it's released.
Iwas 10 years old and my MOM sent me to get her tampons...what was she thinking????
The lady behind the counter asked,
"are these for you?".
I had no idea what they were.
My Mom should have known better...I still get embarrassed when I think about it...in fact, this is the first time I've ever told this to anyone other than my wife.
I blogged about toilet paper too.
ROFLMAO - GOD - I love your blog. When I need a good laugh and need reassurance that I am not the only one with a SNAFU'ed life, I come here.
Thanks! :)
BTW - you and my husband could truly be friends! LOL!
ROFLMAO - GOD - I love your blog. When I need a good laugh and need reassurance that I am not the only one with a SNAFU'ed life, I come here.
Thanks! :)
BTW - you and my husband could truly be friends! LOL!
Otis: lol I feel your pain :)
Rose: it's a popular topic, I mean heck I use the stuff at least 3 times a day :)
Thanks for visiting jodi :)
Yeah but at least you have gotten over your fear... my hubby has a mortal fear of tampons. When I ask him to go he gets a deer caught in headlights look and makes up something he has to do RIGHT then. lol
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