Nephew has a new daddy...
My nephew was born out of wedlock, his mom, (my wife's sister ) Got pregnant at 18 dropped out of high school and moved away from their small town and any embarrassment. She never named the father.
My nephew I'll call Chris which I talked about here never seemed to mind not having a dad even when unkind strangers pressed the subject with him. He had his grandfather and later myself to fill the role.
When Chris was about 17 he started hanging out with a female acquaintance. He didn't like her very much because she was not very attractive and was loud, pushy and overbearing. (he told me this). Chris never really had much in the way of testicular fortitude and could never tell this girl (Doris) to leave him alone. I tried to help him when he stated he wanted to be rid of her, but he wouldn't follow through. Doris was pushing really hard to get past being friends and to start dating. She was basically living there at his house and already taking control of Chris's life as his mother was becoming more and more absent from the role.
Doris hated me and was jealous that Chris and I were buddies, she did everything she could to sabotage our Tuesday pint night and time we spent hanging out.
About this time, Chris's mom got divorced and started pushing him out of her house and expressing her dislike for Doris. This had the opposite than desired effect, Chris rebelled and married Doris in short order. My sister in law lied to Chris and told him I was on her side so Doris got her way and had Chris all to her self.
A couple of years have gone by, Chris and Doris have two kids and she still pushes him around and barks orders like a drill Sergeant. They live in her parents converted garage. He looks miserable and complains but never stands up to her. Because crossing Doris means going all the way. He's not a fighter and is not willing to take the steps to get her under control.
This whole time Doris has been harping on my nephew to find his real father. As Chris got older we pretty much knew who the guy was just by looking at him. Chris didn't care at all who dropped his load into his estranged mother 20 plus years ago but Doris wouldn't let up.
My wife showed Doris the name and picture of the suspected father from a highschool year book in hopes of finally shutting her up. Doris claimed it was for family health reasons.
Recently, she went online and found the guy on myspace.com. She wrote a letter and told the guy that he was the biological father of her husband.
Chris wasn't into this at all, but since he always caves in, he went ahead and met with the guy. To this man's credit, he took Chris to the doctor and had a DNA test run on himself Chris and another girl that he had raised as his daughter but was never sure.
Sure enough, it came back positive.
Chris's biological father and his family were well known by my wife's family (as in infamous), the grandpa was a white supremacist bank robber, the mom had sex with 13 year olds in the neighborhood when her husband was in jail, all the kids were trouble and Chris's biological father dumped his seed all over town making Chris his 3rd unknown illegitimate child.
Now Doris is insisting that they form a relationship with these people. She constantly harps on how trashy they are and will not stop talking about them. It's like mixing an episode of Jerry Springer with a trainwreck full of inbred mental patients. Chris is ambivalent. he works full time, goes to school, takes care of his kids and doesn't feel like spending his time with a bunch of weird people he doesn't know.
Now Doris wants to drag my family into it. Personally, accepting her and her family was enough for me, I'm not too hot on the idea of subjecting myself and my kids to a bunch of white trash lowlife assholes she seems so fond of.
I just wish my nephew would grow a set of nuts and finally put Doris in her place. Of course then she'll probably threaten suicide again....
I can't fight his battles for him anymore, but it sure is tempting. I'm considering just removing myself and my family from the situation until this gets sorted out.
My nephew I'll call Chris which I talked about here never seemed to mind not having a dad even when unkind strangers pressed the subject with him. He had his grandfather and later myself to fill the role.
When Chris was about 17 he started hanging out with a female acquaintance. He didn't like her very much because she was not very attractive and was loud, pushy and overbearing. (he told me this). Chris never really had much in the way of testicular fortitude and could never tell this girl (Doris) to leave him alone. I tried to help him when he stated he wanted to be rid of her, but he wouldn't follow through. Doris was pushing really hard to get past being friends and to start dating. She was basically living there at his house and already taking control of Chris's life as his mother was becoming more and more absent from the role.
Doris hated me and was jealous that Chris and I were buddies, she did everything she could to sabotage our Tuesday pint night and time we spent hanging out.
About this time, Chris's mom got divorced and started pushing him out of her house and expressing her dislike for Doris. This had the opposite than desired effect, Chris rebelled and married Doris in short order. My sister in law lied to Chris and told him I was on her side so Doris got her way and had Chris all to her self.
A couple of years have gone by, Chris and Doris have two kids and she still pushes him around and barks orders like a drill Sergeant. They live in her parents converted garage. He looks miserable and complains but never stands up to her. Because crossing Doris means going all the way. He's not a fighter and is not willing to take the steps to get her under control.
This whole time Doris has been harping on my nephew to find his real father. As Chris got older we pretty much knew who the guy was just by looking at him. Chris didn't care at all who dropped his load into his estranged mother 20 plus years ago but Doris wouldn't let up.
My wife showed Doris the name and picture of the suspected father from a highschool year book in hopes of finally shutting her up. Doris claimed it was for family health reasons.
Recently, she went online and found the guy on myspace.com. She wrote a letter and told the guy that he was the biological father of her husband.
Chris wasn't into this at all, but since he always caves in, he went ahead and met with the guy. To this man's credit, he took Chris to the doctor and had a DNA test run on himself Chris and another girl that he had raised as his daughter but was never sure.
Sure enough, it came back positive.
Chris's biological father and his family were well known by my wife's family (as in infamous), the grandpa was a white supremacist bank robber, the mom had sex with 13 year olds in the neighborhood when her husband was in jail, all the kids were trouble and Chris's biological father dumped his seed all over town making Chris his 3rd unknown illegitimate child.
Now Doris is insisting that they form a relationship with these people. She constantly harps on how trashy they are and will not stop talking about them. It's like mixing an episode of Jerry Springer with a trainwreck full of inbred mental patients. Chris is ambivalent. he works full time, goes to school, takes care of his kids and doesn't feel like spending his time with a bunch of weird people he doesn't know.
Now Doris wants to drag my family into it. Personally, accepting her and her family was enough for me, I'm not too hot on the idea of subjecting myself and my kids to a bunch of white trash lowlife assholes she seems so fond of.
I just wish my nephew would grow a set of nuts and finally put Doris in her place. Of course then she'll probably threaten suicide again....
I can't fight his battles for him anymore, but it sure is tempting. I'm considering just removing myself and my family from the situation until this gets sorted out.
posted by Bill Rowland @ February 20, 2007
27 Comments
27 Comments:
Good night Charlie! You can only do so much. Sometimes we (rescuers like you and I) feel that we are most likely the only positive influence on these poor misguided folks, so we try to guide them to no avail. You should probably just let nephew know that you are on his side but must remove yourself from this mess for self-preservation. Then let him know he can come to you. Perhaps Dumb-Ass Doris should commit suicide. Of course that action would probably hurt the kids but they might be better off in the long run. (I'm feeling cruel today!) Good luck, man.
And, hey - go take the Dixie/Yankee test I posted today. Have a laugh! Plus, I want to know your score.
You should remove yourself from the whole thing till he grows a pair. You don't need your children around any of that, and you don't need the headache of trying to hide it from them.
I would let him know that you will always be there for him, but you just can't have your family around her. So when he smartens up, you will be there.
good luck in all this.
I should keep myself well away from the whole poisinous brew, if I were in that position. Just for self protection. Why does Doris want to know these scummy people, what could they have she wants?
Sometimes when you help people, you get burned. I say that he is old enough to make his decisions and he should. Just don't let it get in with your family.
I can only say one thing:
Oh, ****.
Inbred mental patients...yeah, that sounds like it sums everything up. And I've done my share of dumb stuff, but marrying someone who pissed me off just so I would piss someone else off is kind of like shooting yourself so the firing squad doesn't get you. And at 18, no less. Phew.
- ISU Tinkerer
Hammer, you can only offer Chris your support and help and leave it to him to decide if he wants to accept your offer or not. Good luck, it sounds like one hell of a messy situation.
nomas: We've accepted Doris and her family, I've grown attached to my new great niece and nephew and wish they would have just left well enough alone. Back 5 years ago I wish Chris had just told her to fuck off.
Burfica: Good advice, my wife doesn't want to abandon them but doesn't want to be around trash either.
mutley: I think Doris is a DNA lover. Donations of genetic material are more important to her than loved ones who invested time and affection to the children. She also wants to get back at and embarass her estranged mother in law.
Carrie: I don't want to abandon him, to me he is still a dumb kid, but I might just have to let nature take it's course.
ISU: I about shit my pants when they finally admitted to dating even though he had professed his dislike for her many many times, it was like he just gave up and gave in. So sad.
Brandon, good advice, I think I'll take it.
Cut the bait, Hammer. You can't save those who won't be saved. Good that you've tried tho...
Man, it's bad but you've got to let him swim...you've only got so much room in your lifeboat and if you let everyone in, it sinks and then you have to swim.
Let them 'hammer" it out Hammer. It ain't your fight no longer.
People that are controlled and manipulated because they don't have the nuts to step up to the plate don't generally grow those nuts later on.... they snap. They get pushed so far and then - bang - all hell breaks loose. A bad sort of hell, not to be confused with a good hell...
Hammer,
You know I love ya and I would never disrespect you or any of your family members. Here is my suggestion...OK you done holding your breath at whatever politically incorrect thing I am about to say? C'mon you have seen my blog, you know what I am capable of......
Take him to see NORBIT. It should look strikingly familiar. In fact, I think it might help...and maybe you yourself can get some pointers from Mr. Wong.
I guess you have to see it to understand and be able to laugh at this comment.
Flyinfox_SATX
'Family' should always be who you decide it is.
Stucco: Yep at least I tried. I see where he ends up.
Otis: good analogy, He can only pull himself out of this mess.
galactically: It's hard to let go of kids when they get grown, I hope my own kids will be better equipped when they get older.
Ryan: Personally I'd like to see him snap just a little bit. He did grow a small set when his mother turned out to be a manipulative liar. That kind of rage doesn't do much good against a sociopath though.
Flyinfox: that's a good idea I've read about norbit and it sounds like it's right up his alley. heh heh
BBC: that's how I look at it too.
You know sometimes that is for the best. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. I know our life is much more peaceful now that we don't talk to my inlaws. lol
My little sister married 2 annoying jerks one right after the other. It always pissed me off that she subjected the rest of us to them.
Thank goodness, she didn't stick with either one.
One thing you can do is move away from it all.
Holy Frijoles!!!!!!!
Sometimes, things comes to an end, even inside families ...
rose: So true, Not sure if I would pick anybody in this mess.
l>t: my wife agrees with me that this is screwed, but isn't to the point of abandonment like I am..she's close but I can smell trouble a little sooner than she can.
lovelyand: that about sums it up.
Kirsten: It's hard to let go but you are correct. I have little ones to think about.
She sounds like my father's lovely wife...and he sounds like my ball-less dad and brother who are afraid to even think there may be other options. I threw up my hands long ago, but still am there for all other matters. You can remain in his life without being caught up in the drama of Doris the Horrible.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Every member of my family has always bent over backward to stay out of each other's business, I can't really relate to always being in danger of family member's lives crashing into yours.
All I can say is do whatever it takes to keep them from influencing and impacting your's and your wife's and kid's lives. If it takes shutting them out to protect your immediate family, well, that might be what it takes.
Best of luck handling that situation.
My older brother's ex-wife used to shut herself in the bedroom for days to "punish" the family for all slights, real or imagined, not realizing that her absense actually helped and not hurt them. But they lived in Utah during that stormy marriage and it didn't really affect us.
How tragic. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't kids involved. Chris sounds like he has a dependent personality, almost impossible to get them to break away from the people who are damaging them.
Hammer, sounds like quite a mess. Your nephew is obviously getting something from the relationship, otherwise he would not stay. He will eventually have to make a decision, because by his apathy, he is ruining his kids childhood, and setting a really weak example for them. You can't help him if he does not want help, you will only be banging your head against a wall. I feel sorry for the kids having to live with such messed up, useless parents.
women like that irritate me. why would she even want this family in her life? why would she want to risk having her own children hurt by these people?
she needs help, and he needs help because he married her.
jp: being a hen pecked male is akin to having a mental illness.
JAM: I'm trying to head this off before Sunday when we are supposed to go to my great nephew's 3rd birthday. I don't want to punish the kid and keep him from seeing us but at the same time I have to protect my own. Sometimes Doris has a "tired or sick spell" and leaves our gatherings, that's when we start having fun.
kat: Chris has severe ADHD that went undiagnosed until last year. He is completely unarmed in the conflict resolution and critical thinking department. Doris banks on this. Now that Chris is on medicine maybe he can wake up and grow up.
Crusader, yep he's getting stability and a family he never had at home. he adores his kids and has a high threshold for bullshit it seems. But the bullshit is overflowing into my life now and I'm fixing to put a stop to it.
thepinkangel: You ain't kidding, she grew up in a trashy family and now is trying to bring in more. I think she loves the controversy.
Save yourself a huge headache and stay out of it. Or tell Doris to just fuck off and leave the guy be. Once you've done that you'll definitely be out it.
Poor Chris, but as I wrote on my blog today, we don't really know how/why some relationships work/keep going.
Hopefully he will 'see the light' soon - it could get very messy. You had better steer clear - sounds like you will. Nothing you do or say will change things anyway - up to Chris I guess.
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