Part II

We finally pieced together the history of my two little daughter's biological family.

The mother was a nice looking girl about 23 years old. She was addicted to painkillers and living in an old van under an overpass with her daughters. She would prostitute herself in the back of the van with the girls in the front seat. She would screw for xanex pills of all things. The girls were on a diet of big red soda served in a dirty baby bottle. Apparently the sugared soda kept them quiet.

Somebody reported this woman and the girls were immediately taken away. The mother was arrested on drug charges and ordered to clean up her life and take the mandated steps to get her children back. The girls were sent to live with the grandmother who lived in a dilapidated apartment on the west side.

Another cousin from another addict brother was living there as well. This 9 year old cousin was watching the oldest girl when she went out on the second story balcony and fell or was pushed to the parking lot below. She was treated for a concussion and a busted spleen.

Needless to say, the state took the girls away once more and sent them to live with a great aunt. This aunt lived in a garden shed with no electricity and running water. Of course the state didn't investigate and just signed the girls over to her.

The biological mother had not completed her parenting classes or received drug treatment and the state had lost track of her. She picked up the girls and took them back to the grandmothers house and lived there with them, drinking and doing drugs all the while.

The state allowed the girls to stay there until Christmas when they were to be handed off and put back into the system.

The Social worker arrived on Christmas day to take the girls back into care. the family put up a fight and the whole lot of them were arrested.

The only things the social worker was able to get that belonged to the oldest girl was her red jacket. The youngest was only able to keep a dirty rag doll. Since it was Christmas, the police officers dug around and gave the girls a couple of stuffed animals. The oldest would not take off her jacket even to sleep. She kept her meager possessions packed at all times so that she wouldn't lose what little she had left.

Since the girls were infested with lice and other vermin their hair was shaved and they were treated for malnutrition. They both had major dental surgery to extract and cap their rotted teeth.

This is when the girls went to live with Jackie the foster cow.

Next installment: Adjusting to their new permanent home and family.

Double tagged!!

Thought I was going to be offline for a bit but everything worked out.

Myron and barista grazioso both tagged me for Three Thing” MeMe

Here goes:

Three things that scare me:
Not being in control of my environment.
Doctors
Clowns

Three people who make me laugh:
My son
Louie Anderson
David Spade

Three things I love:
Firearms of all kinds
Music
Science

Three things I hate:
Rude ungrateful people
Trolls
Left wing extremists

Three things I don’t understand:
Calculous
Self destructive people
(M-theory and brane cosmology

Three things on my desk:
Herbal medicine
Kids artwork
Bottle of stetson cologne

Three things I’m doing right now:
Waiting for my annoying inlaws to come bother me.
Helping my son with his homework
Reading to the kids

Three things I want to do before I die:
Visit the Smithsonian
Win a Vegas Jackpot
Fly an airplane

Three things I can do:
Cook
Shoot guns well
Tune any musical instrument by ear

Three things I can’t do:
Ski
Sing soprano
Touch my toes

Three things you should listen to:
The southpark Christmas album
Black Sabbath Volume IV
Count Basie

Three things you should never listen to:
Politicians
Car salesmen
Realtors

Three things I’d like to learn:
How to write in a programming language
How to fly a plane
How to convince stupid people to use birth control.

Three favourite foods:
Mexican
Indian
Thai

Three beverages I drink regularly:
Diet coke
Pinot Noir
Beer

Three TV shows/Books I watched/read as a kid:
The Banana Splits
Krofft Super show
Gilligans Island

Edit: Phoenix reminded me that I needed to tag someone so she gets it and BobG as well.

How I got my girls.

Around January 2004 my son was settling into first grade and things were pretty calm around the house. I took my wife out to some Italian place for her birthday.

I had an idea rolling around in my mind, the way ideas normally do. I got a couple of glasses of pinot noir in my gullet, and said to my wife, "I've got something to ask you"

I don't normally speak this way, but I figured what I had was important enough to preface it with something other than "hey guess what..."

I said "do you still want a daughter?" "Because if you do, lets go get one before we get too old."

Needless to say, she almost swallowed her chicken Marsala down the wrong pipe.

She asked if I was serious, I thought what the hell?, I was up for a challenge. and said "yep"

The next day, we called the Texas human services people and told them what we wanted to do. They told us that since we last adopted 6 years earlier things had changed and we would have to be re-certified.

When we drove down to get the paperwork, the social worker that had hooked us up with our son had been promoted to head of the department. She went ahead and waived the requirement for new classes and just had us go to a one day seminar.

The seminar was filled with people trying to get on the foster care gravy train. Each foster family gets 20 to 25 bucks a day for each kid they take, up to six kids. More money is allotted for emergency placements. This adds up to almost 6k a month when you include WIC, other stipends and reimbursements.

We got through our class even though they treated us like dog shit, because we were unwilling to foster. I'm sorry miss foster cow feeding from the displaced urchin trough, I am unwilling to care for and get attached to a child just to have him or her sent back to a crack addicted prostitute mother who left her 2 year old child at a bus stop while she screwed for drugs.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of good foster families out there that do it out of love. However, all I could see that day were people who wanted 6 grand a month for sitting at home while the foster kids went to school.

My wife and I filled out the forms and paperwork, got the house ready for inspection, got re-fingerprinted and waited. We stated that we would consider a sibling group of up to three and we we could handle most problems relating to neglect.

About 4 months went by with no call so we called our friend at the department and asked her what the fuck. They supposedly have oodles of kids out there waiting for homes. This lady bless her heart had given us priority, but the inept social worker assigned to us had lost our file and never followed up.

Immediately, we were called in to look at a case file for two sisters both 4 years old.

The files on these girls were literally 4 feet tall. Some poor schmuck at the human services department had to go through each page, photocopy it and black out the personal info of the shit family who chose drugs over their children.

We had to read and sign each page. This took about 4 hours.

We were then allowed to go meet the girls and see what we thought.

We went across town to a new neighborhood and met the foster family. They seemed nice enough. They had three of their own kids and 5 foster kids.

The girls were cute and happy to meet us. I noticed that they were tiny for their age, they were both 4 years old born 9 and 1/2 months apart. They were exactly the same size and weighed 26 pounds each.

They looked pale and malnourished, I could see that the older one had lost her front teeth due to bottle rot and the younger one had silver caps over almost all of hers. Their hair had been cut off due to parasites and had barely grown to ear length, I assumed they had just been removed from their biological mother. The oldest couldn't talk, partially due to the neglect and partially due to the dental problems. The youngest translated for her sister, Very weird.

Turns out they had been in foster care for an entire year.

There was something seriously wrong with this picture.

After a visit or two, we were allowed to take them out to eat. We took them to McDonald's and let them play in the plastic tubes. My son took to them immediately.

The girls wolfed down their chicken nuggets and fries like they had never eaten before, hugged us and begged us not to make them go back to "Jackie's" (their foster mom.)

This was disturbing and heart wrenching, but we had to follow the rules and we reluctantly took them back.

We visited daily for about a week until we were allowed to have them over to spend the night at our home.

My wife had redone the spare bedroom, it didn't take much because it was already set up as a girls room with dolls and various girl stuff, (that's how I knew she wanted daughters).

The girls about shit themselves when they saw their room. Filled with toys, new clothes and furniture.

It was really tough taking them back to Jackie's after that. We called the social worker and pleaded with her to speed up the process. Turns out she was being bullied by the foster mom not to let our girls go until they had replacement kids for their home.

Fucking assholes. These greedy pricks did not give one rats ass about these kids, they didn't talk to them, feed them properly, teach them or take them to their assigned speech pathologist.

They cashed the checks and forced their 12 year old foster child "Ellen" to take care of the two four year olds. I found this out after they slipped and called the 12 year old "mom".

Finally, the day came and we were to take the girls home for good. The foster parents were supposed to drop them off for the final goodbye, When they arrived they brought the girls, two dirty torn up dolls and a garbage sack of miscellaneous tube socks that didn't even belong to them. Over the course of a year these girls were not given one toy, one dress or even a pair of shoes.

These fucking shit fuckers could not get out of our house fast enough. They looked like they had fire ant's biting their hemmoroids the way they squirmed.They knew they were busted when we asked where all of their toys were.

I asked whereabouts of the dolls and toys we had given them. The piece of shit foster mom said,"Oh the girls gave that stuff to us" I about went through the roof. But I held my tongue until the hand off was complete.

I tried to tell the social worker about all the shit we saw, but she was such a worthless passive do-nothing and we couldn't get her to take any action. We went up the ladder and were basically told as long as the foster family gives food and a bed the system was too overloaded to make waves.

But at least we were through the rough part, or so we thought.....

Stay tuned for the next installment.

Porky pig

Dragon has a porky pig song over here,

I thought it was pretty funny.

Here is a short video....safe for dialup!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LjbufsJQPaA

Caption this photo

I don't know why, but this story is kinda funny.

http://www.ocweekly.com/news/news/bum-luck/26253/

Nobody’s been compiling a list, but we’re confident that Orange County’s Marcelino P. Castro owns the most expensive broken dildo in the world at $48,000.

How the married, 42-year-old janitor single-handedly converted a simple, mail-order dildo into an historic artifact is a painful tale that requires us to start at the very beginning. Last February, Castro was elated when the sex toy he ordered arrived in the mail. This dildo had an attached handle so a user could manipulate its motion from different angles.

Castro decided to pleasure himself. During the heat of passion, the handle broke off and the dildo became lodged deep in his rectum. In similar circumstances, others might have seen a doctor immediately. But Castro slept overnight on his predicament and woke to launch himself on a course that guaranteed his private horror would spiral into a humiliating public spectacle.

The next morning, Castro told his bosses, police, paramedics, firemen, state insurance investigators and later emergency room doctors that he’d been gang-raped at work by “two large dark men, probably Samoan.” He said he’d been cleaning an office bathroom the previous night when the rapists grabbed him, put a rope around his neck, placed a damp cloth over his mouth, yanked his pants down and sodomized him so vigorously that he passed out.

“When I woke up, I was alone in the restroom with my pants down to my knees,” said Castro, who implied the Samoans must have inserted the dildo. He was rushed to the ER, where doctors surgically removed the sex toy.The possible return of the angry Samoans so alarmed the managers of Castro’s office building that they spent $4,000 to change all the locks. Police investigators, too, took the complaint seriously—until they concluded the rape story was a piece of fiction.

In August, police arrested Castro. He pleaded not guilty and was released on $50,000 bail. The Weekly broke the story (“Das Booty”), which prompted Castro defense attorney Jeff Tatch to attack our report. “I am ashamed that this piece of journalism was published with inaccurate information in it,” said Tatch. He declined to be specific.On Nov. 15, Castro—named one of Orange County’s Scariest People in the Weekly’s annual Halloween issue—confessed to four felony counts including falsifying insurance claims. Though he faced up to eight years in state prison, he’ll report Jan. 12 to the Orange County Jail for a six-month sentence, serve five years’ probation and pay $48,000 in restitution for wasting everyone’s time.

Another good bully story.

http://parallaxadjustment.blogspot.com/2006/11/primal-urge.html

Anger management.

From about 5 years old, I was always a head taller than everyone else. My kindergarten graduation picture made me look like I was the dumb kid that was held back 3 times.

Of course, as always happens in these situations, my size made me a juicy target. Either the really small kids wanted to take me on to prove something, or the popular kids wanted to prove that my size was actually a handicap.

I was never wanted trouble from anyone, so I shrugged off the taunts and other stupid bullshit that kids do.

As most of us know now, turning the other cheek just gets you smacked around even more. As my anger towards life's rain of turds sharpened it all became clear. I had to start standing up for myself.

Most of the time I would protect other kids from bullies but not myself. Mostly, I didn't want to cause trouble and get my parents involved.

After a while it all became too much.

The first time I snapped was in 6th grade math class. The class punk and all around smart ass began taunting me, flicking trash at me, mouthing off and pretty much just making me miserable. I decided I had enough. This kid figured he could push me around and I wouldn't fight back due to the fact that I had never retaliated before.

As we were leaving the portable classroom, I pushed the kid down the stairs, picked him up and threw him about 10 feet into a pile of trashcans. I was really surprised how light the kid was when I was pissed off.

The pecker head came back and grabbed my legs, and tried to pull me down, I picked him up and flung him again. This time he ran away for good. I looked up and noticed there were a bunch of kids standing around me hooting and hollering.

I felt better. At least one asshole had been eliminated.

After that I didn't get messed with too much.

Until 7th grade, when a dorky friend and myself were sitting up against my garage shooting the shit when all of the sudden about fifteen of the tough lower class kids rode up on their bikes. The leader walked up and kicked my weak nerdy friend in chest knocking the wind out of him.

Before I knew it, I had the bully on the ground and I was beating the living piss out of him. None of the other guys got off their bikes when the instigator was on the ground crying and yelling for help.

After that I rarely turned my back on a fight. I knew backing down was the absolute worst thing to do. Cowardice always brings more trouble not less.

I wasn't a tough kid and I never wanted to hurt anyone, but the challenges of growing up in a pack mentality meant eat or be eaten.

These days I have to practically force myself to get really angry. I have to make a conscious decision to let go when it is needed for defense of myself or others.

Maybe that's a good thing.

This guy's story is what got me thinking about the subject.

A contest.

I've been thinking about updating my picture profile. I'm not too keen on using my real picture because there are people in my past I would rather forget.

So I figure after meeting so many talented bloggers, that one of you might be able to help me out.

So here goes, I'm asking you guys to sketch something or photoshop a representation of what you think I look like. It doesn't have to be fancy or even original.

The one I think matches me the closest will be proudly displayed as my profile with a prominent link to the artist and their blog. The only stipulation is that it stay relatively PG and under.

I will declare the winner on Wednesday Dec 6, 2006

When I finish recieving the submissions I'll make a post displaying all the entries

Send your submissions to bohab@hotmail.com or post a link to the picture as a reply to this blog entry.

This post will stay on top for a while so be sure to scroll down for new stuff

What is wrong with this picture?

Pick of destiny

I just saw this movie the other day.

It was pretty funny in a juvenile campy rock opera sort of way.

Here are some clips (strong language)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4aQB3JOhtb8

http://youtube.com/watch?v=X6d79iTTeyI

Book Review: Out of my mind by Andy Rooney

I've been a huge fan of Andy Rooney and his off beat commentary since I first saw him on 60 minutes back in the late 70's.

I've read a few of his books and articles and found his unique view on life, people and ordinary things insightful and hilarious.

Not long ago, I picked up Rooney's most recent book "Out of My Mind" and stuck on my Bathroom bookshelf. When nature sends down orders to launch the chocolate torpedoes, I usually read a few pages.

Andy Rooney writes for the bathroom audience. Each story is about a page to a page and a half long, as not to make the reader's legs fall asleep.

After several bowel movements I have come to the conclusion that Rooney has become a bitter old man. His stories are no longer witty. His political views are jaded and based on faulty logic and tired old liberal lies.

I attribute this change in attitude partly to the fact his wife of 60 years recently passed away.

This would be enough to take the humor out of anybody.

Even mundane subjects that Rooney normally covers like buying cars and going to the garbage dump have taken on a sad, melancholy tone. It's almost as if Rooney is using this book as a vehicle to come to grips with his own mortality.

I still like the guy and will always retain my fond memories of him.

If you want a good laugh, try reading Most of Andy Rooney or Common Nonsense

Cheese log recipe.

Scott from Oregon is apparently a cheese afficianado like me and asked for my cheese log recipe.

Ingredients

Two 8oz packages of Philly cream cheese

One 3 or 4 oz package of soft goat cheese

4 ounces of raw pine nuts (medium sized package)

1 package of fresh chives garlic or onion or both


Finely chop the chives

Fold all the all the cheeses and chives together in a mixing bowl.

Place bowl in refrigerator for about 15 min so cheese can firm up

Heat a dry skillet on medium low heat and spread pine nuts evenly on bottom of pan.

Toss the pine nuts often. Be sure not to let them burn.

The pine nuts are ready when they turn a light golden brown.

Spread pine nuts on a large plate and roll the cheese over the plate.

When cheese evenly covered with nuts place it on your serving dish and refrigerate until ready to serve.

If you don't like goat cheese it can be left out, you can also add dried chopped cranberries 0r substitute toasted pecans or crushed walnuts depending on taste.

A poem

Many of your google searches end up at my blog

cleavage, horse sex and recipes for cheese log

you yearn to see spanking monkeys and gonorrhea

sadly what I offer is gassy preachers and diarrhea

you failed to find pics of naked guys in the shower

better keep searching your Viagra lasts but an hour

fulfillment of sexual oddities I'm not here to provide

Unless you get off to silly stories... that I will abide

Turkey day funnies

.........................................Kids books that never made it

..................................Some kids do not like giant rodents

............................................See... we can all get along

.......................................................Bad dog!!

My official status as a bastard.

My mom and dad never got along. They were married in Aug 68 and I came along about 14 months later. I don't remember many happy family together times but from my limited frame of reference it was not abnormal.

All of my friends parents were divorced. I actually didn't know anyone who had a mother and father both living in the same house.

I was the weird kid with the intact family. People would point and stare when we were in public "look! that kid and his mother have a strange big man walking with them! call 911!"

Since I was weird in other ways this didn't phase me all that much.

Around 1986 my parents informed me that they were getting a divorce.

I knew they were unhappy, everything was all fucked up anyway and this news didn't even phase me one bit.

My dad moved out and I spent a lot of time over at his apartment. When my dad was away from mom he was a much happier, fun and cool person. We were able to bond much better without her evil omnipresence mucking things up.

Yeah, it sucked living alone in a house with my mother. I tried to avoid her whenever possible. Her wild mood swings and new found single lifestyle were things I wanted to avoid at all costs.

My mom started dating some old guy named Arthur. He was a nice, kind widower about 20 years older than my mom. I soon got the feeling she was dating him to punish me.

She tried to flaunt public displays of affection with Arthur and throw it in my face. Never batting an eye, I always smiled and shook his hand. He would come over and do projects around the house and I would help him.

The fact that Arthur and I got along so well infuriated my mom. She had to find a way to get me to disapprove.

I really wanted to tell Arthur to run away as fast as he could and not look back. Just for his sake.

Frustrated at my lack of teenage angst against her new boyfriend, she dumped him.

He was crushed. I felt really bad for him but I knew it was in his best interest.

My mom started drinking, smoking and partying like a wild woman. This didn't bother me except for when she got drunk and obnoxious and tried to humiliate me in front of her friends.

Of course this backfired too, because when everyone saw what a mean crazy drunk she was, they didn't want to hang with her anymore.

For some crazy fucked up reason my mom and dad got back together. For my sake, you ask?

Fuck if I know. Now instead of having a cool dad and fucked up mom I had two fucked up miserable people living in the house.

Luckily, I was nearing time to move away. Soon after I moved out, my parents split up once again, this time for good. Since they were divorced anyway it was no big deal.

Soon after, my mother called me over one day and informed me that she had gone back to the Catholic church.

"That's nice..." I said.

She informed me that her church would not accept her as a divorced woman.

"OK....." I replied.

"So I'm getting an annulment from the top levels of the Catholic church. They only charge 1500 dollars for the process."

I asked her if was really necessary for her to pay some Roman guy in a pointy hat to sign his name saying her marriage never existed and that I was born out of wedlock.

Infuriated, she began screaming something about me mocking her and not standing behind her faith and whatnot.

I told her that I really didn't care and it was her money.

At the time, I was working, living in my own apartment and putting myself through school. This left me with about 10 dollars a week for groceries. She was basically going to flush what would then pay for almost 2 years of public college down the toilet.

I had to let it go. Her money would have too many strings attached anyway.

About 6 months later, my mother showed me a fancy certificate signed and stamped by some Vatican muckety mucks that proved and confirmed that she was never married.

Weird.

When I was growing up I took pride in agreeing with people who called me a sonovabitch.

Now, I could legitimately be called a bastard as well.

Praise the lord and pass the beano

Why? Because this is funny.

The mysterious gift.

L>T's post here >>>>>>>>>>>>>Link

Reminded me of my tenth birthday.

For the week leading up to my birthday my parents were throwing around hints that my present cost six hundred dollars and would be delivered in a large box sometime that week.

In 1979 six hundred dollars was a shitload of money. My soon to be ten year old mind was filled with thoughts of motorcycles, go-carts, rocket ships and other things that were in that price range.

Heck, I watched Bob Barker and I knew what the manufacturer's suggested retail price was for just about anything.

For the life of me, I couldn't get my parents to budge and tell me what I was getting. I was seriously going to explode from the excitement and curiosity.

The day of my Birthday, the doorbell rang, I ran out and answered the front door and there was the mailman with a big box, about the size of small coffee table.

I signed for it and tried to move it inside.

The mailman told me that that box was way too heavy for me to lift by myself and he used his hand cart to bring my present inside.

The box had to weigh at least 100 pounds. It was too small for a motorcycle. But it was still big and heavy. What in the hell could it be?

My mother walked in from the kitchen and told me to go ahead and open it.

I ripped into the thick corrugated cardboard like it was rice paper, pulled out the packing and there before me I saw.....

A huge box of World book encyclopedias. They were bound in fake blue leather
and smelled like a public library.

My heart sank. I looked up at my mother who could barely contain her mirth and said, "uhh mom I think they delivered the wrong box."

"Nope that's your present" she chuckled, looking as pleased as a cat that has just taken a dump in a penny loafer.

I tried really hard not to look disappointed..well maybe not that hard. Looking back I should have jumped up and down like I just won the show case showdown. This way mom wouldn't have gotten her sick jollies from the whole incident.

I dragged the box to my room and put the books up on my shelf. Vowing to never open a single one.

That night my dad got home and he asked how I liked my present. I put on a brave front and said, "oh yeah the encyclopedias were great"

"Encyclopedias?", he said with a puzzled look on his face.

"I gave your mom $600 and told her to get you a go-cart...."

After I was done feeling sorry for myself I opened up Volume A to Ak and began reading the whole thing cover to cover. Over the course of a few months I was nearly through book "M" which was my favorite volume so far... especially the entry on matricide.

Looking back, I got an education out of those books that most kids never get. I should be thankful for that at the very least.

Close to 5k hits. Thanks guys.

Monica, the pardoned Thanksgiving turkey shows her gratitude to the Commander in Chief...

When I started writing this blog I never really expected anyone to comment.

I was in the process of writing a book and the overflow of the creative toilet ended up over here.

I really enjoy reading everyone's blog and especially your witty comments and anecdotes.

Thanks everyone.

I'm reading about 40 blogs regularly, and I was wondering if anyone knew of a program or service that alerts you when someone updates.

Yeah I'm lazy.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Funny weekly searches

I don't ever get normal searches leading to this blog. Pretty much every one is messed up. Is that a reflection on me and my style of blogging? Probably.

Gender roles good: Hmmm yeah ok,

Heavily pierced labia insert stuck Go see a doctor..my blog isn't going to help you.

Redneck Bambi: Bambi's got a gun and he is out for revenge!

Smegma in females: I guess it can get there one way or another...

Pike fighting: Kind of like sword fighting but with porn stars.

The most disgusting person I have ever met: Hey! I'm not that bad.

Rug munching: Shag or Berber?

Just a quickie

....................................................Redneck horse shoes

.......................................I ain't sniffing those things!

......................................................Redneck cat carrier.

................................Look what I made in wood shop mom!

Disturbing post of the day

http://www.startribune.com/462/story/813803.html

Deer assault case presents unusual issues
Duluth News Tribune
Last update: November 15, 2006 – 4:21 PM


DULUTH -- Prosecution of a case involving alleged sexual contact with a dead deer may hinge on the legal definition of the word "animal.''
Bryan James Hathaway, 20, of Superior, Wis., faces a misdemeanor charge of sexual gratification with an animal. He is accused of having sex with a dead deer he saw beside a road on Oct. 11.

Not just any old deer, but a dead deer...

A motion filed last week by his attorney, public defender Fredric Anderson, argued that since the deer was dead, it was not considered an animal and the charge should be dismissed. "The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,'' Anderson wrote. Judge Michael Lucci heard the motion Tuesday.
"I'm a little surprised this issue hasn't been tackled before in another case,'' Lucci said.

Leave it to an attorney to claim it's not animal rape if it's dead.

The Webster's dictionary defines "animal'' as "any of a kingdom of living beings,'' Anderson said. If you include carcasses in that definition, he said, "you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.'' Anderson argued: When does a turkey cease to be an animal? When it is dead? When it is wrapped in plastic packaging in the freezer? When it is served, fully cooked? A judge should decide what the Legislature intended "animal'' to mean in the statute, he said. "And the only clear point to draw the line in that definition, I believe, is the point of death.''

I guess the lawyer boinks butterball turkeys and honeybaked hams on Friday nights...

Assistant District Attorney James Boughner said the court can use a dictionary to determine the meaning of the word, but it doesn't have to. "The common and ordinary meaning of a word can be found in how people actually use the word,'' Boughner wrote in his response to the motion. When a person's pet dog dies, he told Lucci, the person still refers to the dog as his or her dog, not a carcass.
"It stays a dog for some time,'' Boughner said. He referred to the criminal complaint, in which Hathaway told police he saw the dead deer in the ditch and moved it into the woods. Hathaway called it a dead deer, Boughner said, not a carcass.

So... Hathaway is driving along and sees a dead deer, and becomes aroused to the prospect of buggering said deer so he drags it off into the woods to have relations with it... simply mind boggling.

"It did not lose its essence as a deer, an animal, when it died,'' he said.
Anderson argued that the statute, which falls under the heading "crimes against sexual morality,'' was meant to protect animals. That would be unnecessary in the case of a dead animal. "If you look at the other crimes that are in this subsection, they all protect against something other than simply things we don't like or things we find disgusting,'' he said. Other crimes in that subsection include incest, bigamy, public fornication and lewd and lascivious behavior.
Boughner said the focus of the statute was on punishing the human behavior, not protecting animals.

I think the guy should be publicly humiliated if that is possible. Going to jail probably isn't the best outcome for dead deer fucker.

"It does not seem to draw a line between the living and the dead,'' he said.
Interpreting the statute to exclude dead animals would also exclude freshly killed animals, Boughner said. That, he said, could lead to people who commit such acts with animals to kill them. Lucci said he would render a decision by Hathaway's next court appearance on Dec. 1. The misdemeanor charge carries a maximum penalty of nine months in jail and a fine of up to $10,000. If convicted, Hathaway could serve a prison term of up to two years because of a previous conviction. In April 2005, Hathaway pleaded no contest to one felony charge of mistreatment of an animal for the shooting death of Bambrick, a 26-year-old horse, to have sex with the animal.

I see...a repeat offender. The guy apparently only gets a stiffy for the dead ones.

I changed my mind. This guy needs to fry. What a sick bastard!

Scruffles: the one nut wonder mutt.

I never liked dogs that humped legs. The first time it happened to me I was too young to understand what the dog was after. I figured he was happy to see me or something.

When I noticed the slimy red rocket had come unsheathed, I popped the dog in the nuts with a wet shop towel. This quickly discouraged his amourus feelings for my courderoys.

After that, I learned to anticipate and avoid the heat seeking moisture missile.
I don't know why dogs liked my my particular leg so much. Once a pooch got a hold of me it was like trying to unclamp one of those face huggers from Alien.

Even if I could avoid the first attempt, the dog would keep charging me and try to latch on. These fucking horndogs would not take no for an answer.

I figured I had some kind of smell dogs liked, "eau de lassies ass" or something
equally irresistable.

Usually, a couple of hits across the nose with a newspaper would dissuade humpy the wonder mutt.

One day I met my match. I was with my best friend and we were spending the weekend at his grandparents house. They had a little Yorkie names Scruffles. It was his grandmothers little precious.

My friend informed me that Scruffles lost out on being a show dog because he was born with only one nut. Do they have special nut checkers at these dog shows?

Soon Scruffles discovered the joys of humping my shoe. He wasn't tall enough to get much higher than that.

My friends grandfather kind of half assed yelled at the dog but grandma's precious was obviously higher on the food chain and everyone knew it.

Since I was a guest, I tried to be as polite as possible with scruffles. I often pretended to pet him while at the same time holding this one nut wonder back with all my strength as he strained to get to my shoes.

This got really old really quick. Whenever I could I would jab at the dog with my foot when grandma wasn't looking. The dog was too quick and way too horny for this tactic.

I tried to get my friend to help. I didn't want to offend these people so I figured I could get him to break the news that scruffles had the libido of an NBA basketball team. This didn't work either. They half assed shooed him away and scolded him " now now leave the nice boys shoes alone sweetie."

Like the fucking dog understood that shit.

I was about to put the mother fucker in the dryer on the "burn in hell" cycle.

Finally, fed up I went into the bathroom for a feigned poop break just to get away from this horny ass foot raping mongrel sonovabitch.

The dog charged at the door repeatedly at full speed, when that didn't work the little fucker started ripping the veneer off the door with his sharp little claws and teeth.

If I had given him 15 more minutes he would have popped through the door holding an axe yelling, "heeeerres Scruffy!"

Looking back. I should have just sat there in front of grandma and grandpa and let the dog just blow his nasty one nut load on my suede nike and been done with it.

Friday funnies

The grip tape on the bike seat idea isn't going to catch on.
Inventer of the water ski
I guess it's true what they say
You can have it your way
This guy brought his own wood for the camp out.

Home remedies that will keep you out of the doctors office.

It's sick season again. You know, when you're hawking up the green clams, can't breathe and walking around like the living dead. It's hard to take a sick day when most of us have too many responsibilities such as: work, school, kids, bills, shopping and whatnot. We end up suffering through somehow and in the process spread our infected joy to our family and co-workers.

Here are some remedies I've found that ease the the symptoms of standard colds, flu, and other maladies that manifest themselves around this time of year.

Strong warm salt water.
This can be put in a used up nasal spray bottle or just snorted up the nose using an eye dropper. It slows down a sinus infection, reduces swelling of the nasal membranes and gets the crud out. Be sure to be standing over a sink or toilet when you do it.

You can also gargle with strong warm salt water several times a day for a sore throat. It will clear the tonsils , kill bacteria and take the pain and swelling down.

Golden seal root powder: This is amazing stuff. The Native Americans used it to kill infections and treat wounds. You can buy the root powder capsules at most grocery stores near the pharmacy or in your health food store.

Goldenseal had been touted as the poor mans antibiotic. If you get a cut, burn or abrasion, break open a capusle and pour the powder on the wound then cover with a bandage. This powder mixes with the bodies, clotting process, glues the wound closed and kills all the bacteria. The scab that forms contains the residual goldenseal so risk of later infection is almost nil. If they used this stuff in hospitals after surgeries, Chronic staph infections and gangrene would be a thing of the past.

You can also swallow the capsules in case you suspect food poisoning or if you feel the stomach flu coming on. I have headed off the vomiting and diarrahea that everyone else had by popping a couple of goldenseal at the first feeling of illness.

Cranberry juice: drink lots of it preferably the low sugar kind ( to cut back on calories) the acids and natural factors in the cranberry kill infections and keep everything flowing right.

Hydrogen peroxide: The stuff that you use on cuts is also good as a mouth rinse. Chronic sinusitis can sometimes be traced to a latent mouth infection.

Rinse with a small amount and expectorate immediately, You will be surprised at all the foamy nastyness formed by the germs being killed off in your mouth.

Quercitin: This is a vegetable extract containing flavonoids that you can get online or at the healthfood store. This product is useful for those with chronic allergies and hayfever.

Quercitin tricks the immune system into ignoring allergens and stopping the histamine response. This prevents the nasal, congestion, watery eyes and sore throat usually associated with allergy season. Preventing the allergy response in the first place also stops secondary sinus infections from forming.

Eyebright: This herb is excellent for eye health. It retards, macular degeneration and increases retinal blood flow. Visual clarity can improve greatly in a short period of time. Personally, I noticed my night vision improve dramatically after taking this herb.

Collodial silver:, I can't harp on enough about this stuff. It is a miracle anti-pathogen, I talked about it here >>>>>>>>>>>>>collodial siver link.

These are a few of the things I've tried, I post some more remedies later on.

Remember, these herbs can be as powerful as drugs given by the doctor so be sure to read up on your own and be careful with dosing.

The holidays will be here soon.

Link>>>Merry Fucking Christmas

Duck Duck Duck Goose!

When I was in the fourth grade I went to some hippy school for rich kids. My parents weren't rich but they valued education so they made the monetary sacrifice.

It was cool riding to school in my dad's rusted 1968 station wagon equipped with glass pack mufflers when everyone else arrived in Cadillacs or Mercedes.

Since we lived in New Mexico there was all kind of historical crap all around us. This made perfect field trip fodder.

We got to see burial grounds, Indian villages and neanderthal caves.

One day we went to an ancient town that had been restored for historical purposes.
The doorways were so small that all but the smallest 10 year old had to duck under.

We got to learn about food production, farm animals, and ancient farming techniques.

We all brought a sack lunch and ate it on the bank of a large mountain stream. My friend Aaron and I ate our sandwiches and watched a flock of geese swim up to us.

We ripped apart our sandwiches and threw them into the water. The geese gobbled them up like they had never eaten before.

Then Aaron took a bite out of his apple and spit it into the water. The geese ate this up like it was caviar and Dom Perigon. Instinctively and out of curiosity I threw my entire apple at the stream to see if the goose could take a bite.

The large apple flew through the air..The goose zigged and the apple zagged. The fruit hit the goose square in the back. The bird squawked and rose up then continued downstream normally.

After lunch we went down to listen to the hippy lady caretaker of this village. She told us how the geese had been living here for hundreds of years and how she knew all of them by name.

She went on and on about the majesty and beauty of the birds and the mystical connection they had with the Native Americans.

Just then a dead goose floated by. The hippy lady shrieked like a banshee. She pulled the goose out of the water and began attempting mouth to beak resuscitation.

I immediately knew what had happened. My apple had snapped the poor bird's spine like a twig.

The caretaker began asking... no demanding if we saw who had murdered "clancy". My friend was sitting next to me. I was screaming in my head with all the psychic power I had for Aaron to shut the fuck up.

By the grace of god he didn't say a word. Our class drove off in our Volkswagen minibus while Mrs hippy lady cradled the dead bird in her arms wailing and singing some ancient Indian song of mourning.

Chilaquiles

This breakfast food is one of the best things about living in South Texas.

Ingredients:
2 eggs
1 ounce corn tortilla chips
1/2 cup of diced onion
1/4 cip diced tomato
1/4 cup diced peppers (any sort)
1 Tbs of chopped cilantro (coriander leaf)
3 oz American or cheddar or monterrey jack cheese.


In a frying pan sautee the peppers onions and tomatoes in one and a half tsp of cooking oil more if using a cast iron skillet.

Beat eggs and salt and pepper lightly

After a few minutes when the onions, peppers and tomatoes have softened pour the eggs over the mixture.

Stir lightly but do not scramble.

When the eggs are half cooked, drop in the tortilla chips, cilantro and flip the egg mixture so the other side can cook.

Immediately turn off heat, remove pan from burner place cheese on top of the eggs, and cover the pan.

The eggs will finish and the cheese will melt with the residual steam .

Makes two servings

Serve with hot tortillas or toast, fried potatoes, bacon and coffee

Adoption class and the dirty poster

When My wife and I first decided to adopt our first child we looked all over the place and checked into adoption agencies, christian girls homes for preggos and orphanages. We really weren't interested in going out of the country to adopt primarily because there are millions of kids here in the USA that need homes and foreign governments are notorious for corruption and red tape.

The Christian place that links up pregnant teenagers with couples ready to adopt straight out of the delivery room charged $40,000 and you had to provide your own lawyer and pay the girls medical bills.

WTF. They were fucking baby brokers. These assholes knew little white babies were at a premium and they banked on it. The pregnant girl got nary a dime, so what were we paying for?

Traditional adoption agencies wanted $25,000 and there was a 3 year waiting list if you wanted a child 2 and under. Excuse me? Bullshit... I still don't buy it. We could have probably scraped up the money but why in the hell would I want to pay these fucking human traffickers one red cent?

I went online an checked the state department of human services. they had 20,000 kids in the system in Texas alone, problem was most were sibling groups of up to ten that they were reluctant to split up.

Adoption was free and they even reimbursed your legal fees. the only requirement was a 15 hour adoption course that dealt with abused and neglected children.

There was no commitment so we signed up for the class, background checks and home inspection. Once we passed everything we were on a list and the social workers would try to match us up to kids that fit the criteria we put down regarding what kind of child we could handle.

The class was held in the same building where abusive and neglectful parents took classes to try to get their kids back. We found most of these people showed up for one class then said screw it and let the state have their kids.

Our particular adoption class was filled with retired couples wanting to do a foster home, grandparents trying to adopt their grand kids since druggie daughter was running from the law.

Some were wealthy couples with 3 or 4 kids of their own that wanted to do something for the community.

The rest were couples that couldn't have kids.

My wife and I could have kids, but on both sides of our family the chronic illness history was so shitty that I didn't want to bring a child into that kind of suffering.

The introductory class was a freak show. One foster mom came up and told us that all of these children were sexually abused, violent pyromaniacs that want to have sex with adults and murder you in your sleep with a butcher knife. She told story after story about her house being ransacked and robbed by foster kids , being stabbed, scalded and having to deal with small children putting toothbrushes in their anuses in Kmart.

This freaked me out a little. Surely it couldn't be this bad. Part of me considered backing out at that point but the wife and I went back just to make sure.

The second class was much different. About sixty percent of the class was scared off by the introduction. The social worker instructor said they had to do that to weed out the people who were wishy washy and just wasting their time and resources.

We studied chapter after chapter of sex abuse, we did embarrassing role playing games where we had to pretend we were molested, or how to recognize abuse. We also had to learn how to deal with children who acted out due to parental neglect.

This stuff was not for the faint of heart.

The last class was fun activity day. We got into teams, males on one side and females on the other. Our goal was to fill a poster board with as many sexual words and innuendos as we possibly could in 15 min. The winner got some kind of gift bag. The purpose of this exercise was to expand our knowledge of sex terms so we would understand if our child tried to tell of abuse using slang we didn't recognize.

As I stated in an earlier post I am the master of the obscene word. I single handedly filled the poster with filth like "beat the bishop" "yodel in the gully" "Hide the salami" "play the pink piccolo", "dirty Sanchez", "donkey punch", and "tea bagging". I think I scared some of the people on my team with my repertoire.

The instructor told us that it could be up to a year before they found a child suitable for placement.

Two weeks later we were introduced to a two year old boy in foster care. Within a month he was living in our home and within six months the adoption was finalized in court.

The social worker said she liked my style and pushed us to the front of the list.

I think it was the dirty talk that won her over.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

When I was a little kid my father began studying Eastern philosophy, Vedanta and the Teachings of Sri. Vivekananda. He also became a vegetarian. Much of my dad's spiritual quest was in search of relief from the after effects of Vietnam and from seeing dozens of close friends die.

He would sometimes take me to lectures and read the philosophy books to me. I really didn't mind it all that much because I liked my dad and I figured if it was important to him I should pay attention.

One evening when I was around five years old, he sat me down and asked if I wanted to become a vegetarian. I asked if that meant no more hot dogs and hamburgers. He laughed and confirmed this scary thought. He said it was totally up to me and I could make my own decision.

Immediately I said yes. I remember it was an instinctive gut response and I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.

The change wasn't really that hard for me. My mother wasn't a vegetarian and there were some of my former favorites in the house but I never touched em.

I didn't consider myself some kind of super will power kid but for some reason avoiding meat was really important to me.

Then the shit started.

At the time I lived in the middle of the bible belt and in one of the biggest beef producing areas in the country.

My Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles , Cousins friends and acquaintances all thought I had become a crazed commie Satan worshipper. They could not believe or understand that a 5 year old could make this kind of life altering decision.

I stuck to my guns It hurt being ridiculed and made fun of by those closest to me it but the teasing strengthened my resolve even more.

It was difficult going to friends birthdays, eating at their houses and having to explain over and over again what a vegetarian was. Most tried to feed me meat anyway thinking my choice was stupid and did not require their respect.

Restaurants were hell. Back then, they threw meat into everything. No matter how many times I asked, my food would come covered in ground beef or gravy. Some places flat refused to cater to my requests. More than a few times I just sat there hungry and as a result became even more stubborn in my decision to not give in.

School sucked in this regard too. School lunches, field trips and stops to McDonalds were always a pain in the ass.. and always the endless questions. I probably could have sold myself to a freak show and made a fucking fortune. "Gather round folks it's the boy who refuses to eat meat" followed by oohhs ahhhs and people throwing prime rib at me.

In the late seventies some soy meat substitutes products were introduced. They tasted pretty good and were great camouflage against the nosey inquiries (wheres the beef boy?

As I got older, people became more tolerant, there were more vegetarians and restaurants usually had at least one item I could order.

As a teenager my Grandmother was worried that I was going to be a social outcast if I kept this crazy rabbit food diet up. She asked me what on earth was I going to do if a girl wanted me to take her out for a hamburger. "Sheesh I'll buy her a damn hamburger duh.." I think she was worried that a vegetarian couldn't ever get laid. Thanks Grandma.

I never had a problem with other people eating meat. In fact I supported it. My decision was not based on anything except a self challenge and ornery mule like stubbornness.

One summer I was offered 100 bucks by my uncle to take a bite of fried fish. For many people this would be a no brainer. I wasn't even tempted. I couldn't be bought off. I really could have used the money but being true to myself was a hell of a lot more important.

These days all my kids are voracious carnivores, I cook steaks, fish and chicken so well that people can't believe I've never tried them. I like the smell of bacon and enjoy watching other people eating the meat dishes I prepare.

I don't know if I have any positive or negative health benefits from being a vegetarian but I know I'm mentally stronger from dealing with the social aspects of it.