Scruffles: the one nut wonder mutt.

I never liked dogs that humped legs. The first time it happened to me I was too young to understand what the dog was after. I figured he was happy to see me or something.

When I noticed the slimy red rocket had come unsheathed, I popped the dog in the nuts with a wet shop towel. This quickly discouraged his amourus feelings for my courderoys.

After that, I learned to anticipate and avoid the heat seeking moisture missile.
I don't know why dogs liked my my particular leg so much. Once a pooch got a hold of me it was like trying to unclamp one of those face huggers from Alien.

Even if I could avoid the first attempt, the dog would keep charging me and try to latch on. These fucking horndogs would not take no for an answer.

I figured I had some kind of smell dogs liked, "eau de lassies ass" or something
equally irresistable.

Usually, a couple of hits across the nose with a newspaper would dissuade humpy the wonder mutt.

One day I met my match. I was with my best friend and we were spending the weekend at his grandparents house. They had a little Yorkie names Scruffles. It was his grandmothers little precious.

My friend informed me that Scruffles lost out on being a show dog because he was born with only one nut. Do they have special nut checkers at these dog shows?

Soon Scruffles discovered the joys of humping my shoe. He wasn't tall enough to get much higher than that.

My friends grandfather kind of half assed yelled at the dog but grandma's precious was obviously higher on the food chain and everyone knew it.

Since I was a guest, I tried to be as polite as possible with scruffles. I often pretended to pet him while at the same time holding this one nut wonder back with all my strength as he strained to get to my shoes.

This got really old really quick. Whenever I could I would jab at the dog with my foot when grandma wasn't looking. The dog was too quick and way too horny for this tactic.

I tried to get my friend to help. I didn't want to offend these people so I figured I could get him to break the news that scruffles had the libido of an NBA basketball team. This didn't work either. They half assed shooed him away and scolded him " now now leave the nice boys shoes alone sweetie."

Like the fucking dog understood that shit.

I was about to put the mother fucker in the dryer on the "burn in hell" cycle.

Finally, fed up I went into the bathroom for a feigned poop break just to get away from this horny ass foot raping mongrel sonovabitch.

The dog charged at the door repeatedly at full speed, when that didn't work the little fucker started ripping the veneer off the door with his sharp little claws and teeth.

If I had given him 15 more minutes he would have popped through the door holding an axe yelling, "heeeerres Scruffy!"

Looking back. I should have just sat there in front of grandma and grandpa and let the dog just blow his nasty one nut load on my suede nike and been done with it.