B.S piled even higher
I've been married 17 years and I've only paid half attention to the shit that litters her side of the sink. What the fuck are all those tubes and bottles for? It's like some fucked up chemistry lab over there. She has baskets and bags of these fancy ass frosted bottles piled four deep. Under the bathroom cabinet is even more of this bullshit..what in the hell is it for and why do women need all this shit for basic hygiene?
White tea skin guardian....liquid moisture...silk therapy..balancing cream...extra emollient face cream..cleansing gel...buffing cream...supercharged moisture cream..stress relieving vapor bath....and more...Are we doing skin care or running a fucking body shop? I use soap and shampoo... as long as it doesn't smell like strawberry douche cake.
What the fuck is up with all these febreeze and room sprays... if you have something stinky in your house fucking remove the offending item. Don't spray the dead cat with cinnamon burst room oxidizer...you are only compounding the problem. Air freshener is bullshit. I have an idea!Don't be a dirty bastard and maybe your house won't smell like a fucking bait shop dumpster.
Speaking of stink, what the hell is the deal with those worthless vent fans you find in most bathrooms? They don't suck the farts out of the room and they sure as hell don't remove any bad smells. I only turn the thing on when I need the fan noise to drown out the sound of my ass cheeks smashing back together after I launch some high explosive colon ordnance. Bathroom ass fans are pure bullshit.
My favorite month of the year is August...you know why? No fucking holidays. If the bank isn't closed, it isn't a real holiday. All these hallmark excuses to buy gifts and cards are bullshit, Mothers day..if you don't care enough to call mom or buy her something when it's not an obligatory gift day then one or the both of you is an asshole and you should call the whole thing off...
Secretaries day, grandparents day, earth day, St Cock Fluffers day... Isn't there just a fucking day where we don't celebrate anything? Tell you what folks...if you know someone who deserves some recognition just fucking give it to them and ignore the bullshit holiday. Conversely, don't give shit to people you hate just because some cock master on TV told you it was "ex wives day"
posted by Bill Rowland @ July 21, 2008
41 Comments
41 Comments:
All good points, and your use of profanity borders on artistry!
Yes, Just John nailed it...it's artistry...Advanced Creative Writing. Where do I sign up? LOL
You crack my ass up.
"I only turn the thing on when I need the fan noise to drown out the sound of my ass cheeks smashing back together after I launch some high explosive colon ordnance."
This only drowns the noise out for the person sitting on the pot. Those of us outside the door hear the rest loud and clear. ;)
gee, you're in a good mood, aren't ya? ;-)
I'll give you some insight into the bathroom stuff. Whose skin is prettier? Yours or hers? If you said hers, that explains it. If you said yours... don't tell her.
I heard on the radio that it was National Cow Appreciation day. Luckily, I don't know any cows, so I didn't have to waste my money on a card.
About your wife's side of the sink...
Guys, just think of it like buying a 15 different fertilizer products, (you are talking about BS, after all); and you are very proud of understanding and glorying in their very specific targeting chemicals, all so that you can have a beautiful lawn.
Dude, wait till you find out how much she's spending on all that crap. That shit's expencive as hell.
My birthday is in August. Does that count?
You're best rant yet!
I'm with you on the bathroom crap. I have shampoo, soap, and lotion. 1 of each. That's it.
An no... they don't smell fru-fru. Just a normal clean smell.
If you really want to get pissed off, watch C-Span sometime. They waste our tax dollars by spending valuable legislative time deciding when "Nat'l Violin Month", "Nat'l Sandwich Week" and even "Nat'l Cow Appreciation Day" should be. :(
The only thing that is purely mine in the bathroom is my deodorant, body lotion, perfume, and toothbrush. The rest of the stuff we all use.
Dont go knocking The Fabreeze!! I *heart* Fabreeze and all of its odor eliminating powers.
And, yes, we (women) really DO need all that SHIT to make us look and FEEL pretty.
yes, your profanitese is impeccable.
now, to the junk on the sink - that would be my husband's.
"I only turn the thing on when I need the fan noise to drown out the sound of my ass cheeks smashing back together after I launch some high explosive colon ordnance."
Dude, that right there is some funny ass shit! (pun intended)I almost wasted perfectly good beer out my nose on that one...
wow, lots of artistry here man..i am stunned.
as far as those tubes go, give your wife a freaking pass. i don't want to give you cardiac arrest, but each bottle costs about 35 bucks. if they aren't working, chances are she's got too much $$ on the table to just walk away. kind of like a washed up gambler, no pun intended.
good luck. a product habit is tough to beat.
Now these are the posts I live for!! I don't know how you come up with this stuff though! And I agree 100% about the Febreeze (and all other air freshener crap) and the women's stuff too. I'm a minimalist where that stuff is concerned...
Thanks for the laughs, Hammer!
Hammer,
It should be code that ALL bathrooms MUST have windows.
Thank goodness for matches when you only have a bathroom with a fan :)
Air freshener is stupid - as you said, get rid of the offending item. And if it is a lingering cooking odor, put distilled white vinegar in a shallow dish and leave it out for 4 - 8 hours. It will remove the odor, and not leave any. I don't know how, it just works.
What's wrong with strawberry shampoo :) ?
I'm all for throwing out products I haven't used in 6 months. Clutter bugs me.
Oooooo....the White tea skin guardian by Origins....good stuff. But seriously, the reason women have all that crap is simple: we're suckers. If a smelly homeless person were selling some crap in a vile that promised to erase crow's feet, we'd be lining up around the block for it. Men: not suckers. So there you go.
By the way ~ today is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day, in case you were wondering.......
"why do women need all this shit for basic hygiene?"
Hammer, Hon, we don't NEED it for basic hygiene, that would require a bar of soap. We need it to look beautiful and sexy and young for you males.
As far as vanity holidays like you mentioned, one I've grown to hate is the high school reunion day. I went to one reunion (I actually organized it when no one else wanted to launch it - I just like organizing and running things, and it kept me entertained for months - the actual event was an underwhelming letdown). Reunions are to see people you haven't wanted to see for X years so far, but you waste vacation time, spend travel money, and put on a suit to see the fucking ass clowns you wasted time trying to impress back then, just so you can pretend to be casual around them now. If I wanted to see them, I'd have done so, and don't need a refresher every five years as to why I don't anymore by spending time with those aholes (male and female both).
Could we lump CARDS into the Holiday rant? I HATE cards. If it were up to me to keep Hallmark in business there would be a LOT more trees in the world.
And I don't use all that...face stuff. And I look about 10 years older than I am. Leave her alone man. You gotta a good thing going there. Don't mess it up.
Jen
I've never understood room deodorizers either. Although, come to think of, doesn't the same principle apply to underarm deodorant?
Ummmmm You need to get laid. J/K!
Bravo! I agree with you once again. We have NO air freshoners in our house, I have such an acute sense of smell it'll send me into a dark pit of hell. No scented bullshit candles either....YUCK!
One more for your list......people who BATHE in perfume!
Sadly I would rather buy stuff for my nerdy hobbies than waste money on skin lotions and creams. If I'm a wrinkly bag someday, at least I will be a happy wrinkly bag. from what I've heard, most of that stuff isn't really all that effective long term.
I agree on holidays. The summer lull is a much needed reprieve.
Good Post Hammer! ROTFLMAO!
St Cock Fluffers day
I'm pretty sure I just saw a Hallmark card for that one last week *wink*
Brilliant observations eloquently presented! The bait shop dumpster did it for me. I don't often really laugh out loud, but that got it out of me!
There are days I smile and shake my head in agreement with your post, today I just roared. Thanks for the great laugh. :)
Hubby usually uses the bathroom first and will spray lysol afterwards. So then I go in and breathe the toxic lysol fumes but can still smell the shit. Nothing but an open window and time works for clearing out the stench.
We have a tiny bathroom, no counter. But I do have a shelf in the linen cabinet over the toilet for my 'stuff'. Assorted hair care and makeup that most of it I could do without. I could condense it way down but it's there, you know, for back up because getting older is hard on women and we need to feel the big guns are available should we need them. Assorted lipsticks, skin creams and an econo size bottle of formaldehyde might come in handy when trying to land our second husbands after we drive the first ones crazy. ;)
You are so wrong about all of the skin creams and tubes and what not... and you're wrong about the home fragrance sprays... All beautiful things...
Whoa someone's having a bad day! Not that it's necessarily true in your case, Hammer, but women use that stuff because (a) most men expect it and (b) they've been shamed into it by our culture (TV, print ads, magazines, parents, friends). It sucks and it's stupid, but women are expected to live up to a standard that has no equivalent for men.
Have you heard the old joke about women not farting, sweating or swearing---we just blow up at 40?
LMFAOOOOOOO......I have lots of "product" too...but men buy just as much.....e.g. tools, guns, hardware......right???? Let me know when St. Cock Fluffers Day is....ahahahahahaha!
Peace
Hammer, once again, you have me laughing my ass off so hard that people at work are staring at me.
I'll be sure to throw that "strawberry douche cake" away when I get home. Or I could wrap it up for Secretaries Day???
All these frosty bottles are utterly usefull, and please don't ask why.
No air freshener here, just opened windows.
Not that many fucking someone days nor hallmarks cards in France, but I do love send nice cards I use to buy when travelling.
I suspect you've been nibbling your son's blue food!
We need all that fancy smancy bottled gook to stop us getting too old too fast. If it's not working don't you dare tell us!
Today we are celebrating 'Tuesday' as it's better for her mental health if we don't have an 85th birthday party.
Cheers
I feel so damned low. I missed St Cock Fluffer's Day.
if the fart fan vents outside then it works. If not then its useless
The only way exhaust fans work is if they are actually mounted under the rim of the toilet, dump the air outside and can move air at gale force speeds. Oh, and you know that turds are tapered specifically to keep your ass cheeks from slamming shut when take a dump, don't you? Nature's amazing that way.
LOL... This is a halarious series of posts, and I definitely just added to the "Ways to Say 'Take a Dump' List".
I only turn the thing on when I need the fan noise to drown out the sound of my ass cheeks smashing back together after I launch some high explosive colon ordnance.
I liketa died when I read that.
ok hammer, thats a lot of products. I understand the silk therapy. great stuff but expensive as hell.
Now my daughter shops like your wife and has all that crap. Her father even gave her a suitcase for Christmas for all her cosmetics. Which is a good thing. My puppy no longer runs thru the house eating her makeup brushes or makeup. ;-}
as for card company holidays. you get a card for your birthday if i like you. maybe. i tend to spoil all year long.
"I only turn the thing on when I need the fan noise to drown out the sound of my ass cheeks smashing back together after I launch some high explosive colon ordnance."
I'm on my lunch break at work, sitting in the office, laughing with tears on that one.
Quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read.
tweaker
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