Dodged a bullet and more inlaw bashing
Due to recent travelling I missed my wife's side family reunion. DARN!
They decided to have it at some rental cabins by the river. The past few years it was in Leakey Texas at an old ranch style motel that we rented out for the occasion.
But this time we were told "No alcohol". Seems last year ole hammer brought about 200 beers and got all of the adult kids drunk and more tolerable (at least to me).
The parents of these 40 year old kids didn't want a repeat of last years dick and fart jokes and other such debauchery. Oh the shame!
I basically told them to suck my nuts.... I wasn't going. Plus every time I go, one of my wife's siblings needs a ride and is broke so we have to put them up in our room while they eat our food, drink our beer and badmouth us when our backs are turned.
Fuck them in the hairy goat ass.
I finally got to hear the aftermath of this years reunion:
My estranged money grubbing sister in law got to pay for everyone's room. Bwhahahaha!!!
My gluttonous, bad mannered mother in law didn't want to walk to the facilities at night so she made her long suffering husband buy her a camp toilet.
I kind of wish I had been there when she dumped a bowl full of warm "mother in law piss" in her felon drug dealer son's shoes. Then refused to mop it up.
I don't see how she could sit on this thing without it exploding into a thousand pieces She weighs damn near 300 Lbs.
She then took her new portable toilet into my sister in laws room, took a massive 8 ton dump and left it in the enclosed cabin all day in 100 degree heat. Oh god I'm cryin while writing this.... hold on...
When my bitch sister in laws common law, felon, deadbeat dad, boyfriend thingie walked in and found the elephant dump festering in the heat next to his bed.... he blew a gasket, had a conniption fit and went out yelling and screaming about who's shit was lingering in his cabin.
Embarassment all around.
My mother in law started crying and made my father in law go dispose of the fly infested loaf log.
Oh yeah I'm so glad I missed it.
There is always next year. I'll bring my hack saw and sabotage the camp toilet.
posted by Bill Rowland @ July 30, 2007
46 Comments
46 Comments:
HEH-HEHE-HEH. SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD WAAAAAAAY MORE FUN NOT BEING THERE ! HEH-HEH.
I'm sitting here laughing my ass off.
So you had bonding time with your kids.
Thank you, Hammer, for making my family -- only slightly more normal than the Mansons -- seem really friggin' normal.
Sounds almost as much fun as my husband's family reunions except you didn't mention anything about a single person going to jail.
I like to call my husbands mom my
(S)mother-in-law, she's like a fucking wet blanket 24/7!
OMG THAT IS HILARIOUS!!
sounds like it is a good thing you didn't go...families can be so stupid sometimes..my posts from this past weekend attest to that fact..lmao.
What is it about families that turns them into rude, selfish assholes? However, you've managed to put a hilarious spin on the dysfunction!
OMG that was sooooooooo funny. Now maybe you should make this post into a nice christmas letter to put in all their cards. hehehehehe
See....I would never use a flimsy ass porta john like that. We have one for camping that looks like this big barrel, that you unscrew the top, insert bag and has a nice cooshie seat you do your stuff, and yes I'm anal, even if I just tinkle, I spin the bag, tie it up, and drive it to a dumpster. lmao
And drinking makes this situation worse how?
That sounds like my in-laws, but it's always funnier when it happens to someone else. ;)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Man I missed you!! If you ever get stuck by lightning again I'll I'll-
reincarnate as that 800 lb. Elephant dump log shat and linger outside your abode every summer!!!
Great to read ya again!!
J
Holy crap, can I just borrow your life for a couple of days to stock up on blogging material? This stuff is unbelievable.
roflmao! If you go next year please please take pics and post them.....esp. the sabotage number (before not after pics OK?).
Smart move in missing it.
Agree with Tshsmom, drinking could only have made it mucho better.
Oh goodness. That dump thing sounds like something my mother would do. She is almost 300 lbs too so I can relate to that. LOL.. I am trying not to laugh to hard and have Kora ask me to many questions here but I know when she goes to bed here in a bit I will laugh it off. I have never been to a family reunion. Not enough on either side to go to. And his family meaning hubby's doesnt like each other so they dont have them.
LOL, I can't wait to hear the story about next year's reunion!
Annie: with my sensitive nose you bet!
H2o: me too :)
lamb: I had a good time with the kids in Florida while this mess was going on.
Erica: my pleasure :)
tysgirl: lol all my brothers in law have been already :P
snowmanpoop: especially since I wasn't there :)
canadian: these guys are weirdos, some are ok but one bad apple...
terri: thanks, sometimes if we don't laugh about it we'll go crazy instead.
Burfica: lol great idea!
infini: When I heard the story I felt the same way.
john: It's the yule log that keeps on giving.
Diesel: I guess I should thank them for being such idiots :)
Dridget: I think one with her carrying a broken pot and covered in her own feces would be just the ticket.
tweety: I'm thinking you're kinda lucky :)
Brandon: We'll see if I can handle it :)
ODL!
i'll need a camp terlet to contain myself here in a minute!
sooooooo, i take it you're gladja missed it? the reunion, not the terlet?
too bad they didn't have some koranlet paper to add to the mix!
you're baaaaaaaaaaad, hammer. that's not necessarily a bad thing.
*:]
Wow. Maybe I should stop complaining about my inlaws. Weird.
By the way, I've given you an award ...
omg.... ty for THAT gut laff!
OMG - that is the funniest damned thing. Great story, and a nice time to hear about from a distance, but not to have seen up-close-and-personal. Yeah, you totally dodged a bullet there! Congratulations.
I love it when you rant! That was fucking hilarious!!
Can't stop laughing....wayyyyyyyyyy too hysterical. Thanks for that post.....the best!
So you've been to MY family reunions???? Lurking behind the trees were ya???? Sounds all too familiar lol.
Heh... reminds me of a former rommie's story from college...
Seems her then-roommate (dorms in San Diego) was rather... prolific... with her boyfriend. Several times a day. And the condoms that resulted, instead of being disposed of in the trash (to be removed every day or so), were deposited in a bucket under the girl's bed...
well... Spring Break hits, and the ditz forgets to remove the bucket. Room is closed up tight, in a San Dog spring, for two weeks...
When they returned, they were transfered to a different room (and that one was left empty, with the windows open)...
Priceless!
If any of these peeps read your blog, they may decide to bring next year's reunion to you - campshitter and all.
I've never understood the concept of having to like people just because they are your relatives.
It sounds like you missed a thumping good time! You must go to next year's shindig, we need more laughs like this!
lol So, what's wrong with squatting in the woods? Well, I don't exactly weigh 300 lbs, so I can't speak for everyone, but a camp toilet? Great post!
Ok, there is just so much that is WRONG with that story...but I am laughing my butt off!!! OMG, my sides hurt! Aren't in-laws fun? Sounds like yours are a rockin' good time!
Ah, yes. Toilet humor is always good for a laugh and I am particularly fond of the image of an 8 ton dump steaming in an enclosed cabin in the Texas heat. Classy.
Coundn't have happened to a more deserving bunch of folks, could it?
Amazing. People like that are their own worst enemy, they'll destroy themselves and everything around them.
My one question is, how do a bunch of people who obviously despise one another show up every year for more of the same?
Great story, Hammer. Maybe somebody video taped some and can give you a "fly on the wall" experience without the pain of actually being there.
Never did like having to shit someplace where you couldn't just make it disappear with the tug of a chrome handle. Dealing with some hags bag of shit couldn't be more repulsive...Great story. They all deserved her warm steaming gift.
lol - this is hillarious! What the heck is the point of a meaningless toilet like that? Who ever came up with the idea?! I do not want to meed that person!
Hey, why don´t u start up a blog for the in-laws get-togheters? There could be posts on all the great stuff they do and pics to go with it!
HA hA ha Ha! fun with shit...
that was awesome, Hammer. You're a lucky man.
This is the all time best blog post ever. Ever. In the history of blogging. The best.
There is an old saying I used to hear while growing up:
"The only thing worse than outlaws are in-laws."
Holy Crap you made my day with this post. I'll be snickering out loud each time I think about it!
Congratulations! I had to close my office door until I collected myself enough to even attempt to make my way to the ladies room...
I love a good camp crapper story!
I'm fortunate, I'm an only child dating an only child... cuts down on all the crap!
Hammer, next year get her a "Bumper Dumper" (the kind of port-a toilet that attached to a trailer hitch) and then when she's good and comfortable, drive her around.
nanc: oh a koran for TP that would be fantastic!
Dorky Dad: Thank you! I'm humbled by your kindness.
Cheesy: No problem :)
phlegmy: They are the worst, but keeps me in material :)
MadZ: They keep me ranting. My wife gets pissed at me when I go off on their behavior :)
buckeyeemt: thanks for visiting, and who knows maybe we're related somehow :)
strings: oh that is awful, who saves a bucket of used condoms? I bet that place smelled like hell!
jimbo: I'll buy one for everybody!
lex: They expect it from me but they aren't getting it.
janet: as long as I can lock my room, I just might do that :)
scarlet: Pooping in the woods is great but she had a real bathroom 80 yards away.. My wife told me that she pees in tupperware when camping.
kuckie: thanks for stopping by: They are more fun when I slip booze into the fruit cocktail ;)
sornie: as long as it isn't my room being used for a shitter I'll keep laughing :)
JAM: They act like they like each other, but I'm not that good of an actor myself.
JP: My poor father in law has been taking her shit for a long time you'd think he'd be used to it.
evalinn: seems kind of a waste huh?
Just dig a hole and bury it like the old days :)
paul f: I'm pissed at the ones who didn't potty train my mother in law but it's fun when other more deserving folks have to suffer her fecal wrath.
marianne: hehe thanks, I'll have to send you to my other poop stories :D
Bob G: That saying is more true each year.
sweeti: I'm still snickering too :)
anndi: You are sooo lucky! :D
stucco: That has been my fantasy for quite some time, to have my mother in law on the bumper dumper as I drive like a bat out of hell down a bumpy moutain road. How did you know?
I always figured that, except for the racism from Pops, your wife's family must be fairly alright. You must seriously love that woman to marry into that family after everything with your mom over the years. Tell Mrs. Hammer I said you deserve a hug. "Hug" may be deleted and filled in with other forms of physical affection, if you wish. Just don't blog about it later... that's Annie's shtick.
it's fun when other more deserving folks have to suffer her fecal wrath.
I feel for the father in law. I picture him looking at his wife crying, and knowing the crying isn't for sadness, but her communication to him to do her dirty work. So he slumps his shoulders, lowers his head, assumes the "yes dear" position, and proceeds forward to remove the toilet with all of the tired mundaneness of a miner moving forward once the elevator reaches bottom.
nyx: you're correct but this family had a completely different dysfunction I had no experience with. I'm just glad they wife is the black sheep. And lol on the affection blogging remark.
mts: You nailed it 100% She pulls the crying, lock herself in her room thing any time he challnges her. He has never invested in tough love in his kids or wife and now he's got a mess on his hands that is near unfixable.
Hammer,
Your wife's family is better than an episode of the Jerry Springer show. Funny stuff. Especially when you're not there to deal with it.
Well, at least there is an up-side to shitty inlaws. Mine are too agoraphobic to yield any real edifying material. I just have to shake my head and think "tsk, tsk."
Dislike them intesely.
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