"Tootsie Roll"

When I was a kid nobody really explained the birds and bees to me in a way a child could understand. Too technical.. so I would just nod my head and go on being bewildered about the whole process.

One day I was at my dad's automotive shop sweeping and picking up trash when I spied one dog on top of another locked in some kind of strange seizure like embrace.

I looked over to Chuck, (one of my dad's employees) and asked him "what the heck is wrong with those dogs?" Laughing, Chuck told me that one dog was sick and the other one was pushing him to the dog hospital. Like a dumb ass, I asked "well shouldn't we help them" He just started laughing hysterically as I stood there dumbfounded. Being a kid I just put the event behind me and forgot all about it.

At the same shop we had two doberman guard dogs, fritz and Freda. One day I heard a tremendous squealing and squawking outside, I rushed out to their pen just in time to see the dogs stuck together back to back both trying to run in opposite directions. Both dogs were screaming and yelping like they were being scalded.

Panic stricken, I called my dad on the phone and explained to him what was going on. He told me to spray them with the hose until they broke free.

I hung up, grabbed the hose and started spraying the hell out of the conjoined canines. The water made things worse, now panicked by their predicament and frightened by the spray of cold water, fritz was running around dragging his partner in crime behind him.

Only then did I see what they were stuck together with. Shocked and disgusted by the whole disturbing ordeal I turned off the hose and left the dogs to their own devices, now a little bit wiser. Several weeks later I witnessed Freda give birth to 12 puppies. This completed my education on the birds and the bees. I thought to myself, "if that's how babies were made I wanted no freaking part of that nonsense".

Fast forward a couple of years. I'm sitting in 6th grade health class when the school nurse comes into our classroom and announces that we are going to be shown a very serious film about our growing bodies and how to care for them. The nurse warned us that if we did not take the film seriously or if we cut up in any way we would be sent to the Principal's office and given 3 days detention.

Sobered by this dire warning I noticed the boys and girls were being sent to different rooms.I was relieved that I wasn't going to have to endure this film in front of a bunch of girls.

As we approached the portable building where the boys film was being shown I noticed three boys sitting on the front steps next to the football coach. The boys were all red faced with tears steaming out of their eyes. Now I was really worried. As I got closer, one of the boys croaked in a hoarse whisper "tootsie roll".

By now I was almost in a full fledged panic attack. Sitting at the desk I was sweating profusely wondering what horrors lay in store for us.

Before the coach turned on the film projector he warned us a second time that anyone caught laughing would be sent to run laps then on to detention.

The projector started its chatter and the Walt Disney Logo appeared on the overhead screen. I thought to myself " what the hell is this?" All of the sudden these little green cartoon bugs wearing berets were being given a motivational speech by a larger bug dressed like Patton.

"Alright men we are germs and we are going to march up this man's the penis and give him gonorrhea!" Then the germs started singing a Disney song about travelling up the urethra chanting herpes! Gonorrhea! Syphilis! over and over as they goose stepped up this guys dick hole.

With every fiber of my being I fought the urge to guffaw. I felt like I was going to explode,my face flushed and tears were streaming out of my eyes. I put my head down on the desk and began to convulse silently biting my lower lip till it bled. I thought, how could anyone at any age not roll on the ground laughing their asses off at Disney gonorrhea voiced by Mel Blanc.

The next film was about testicular cancer and how to test for it. They showed this man in the shower bathing himself. The guys hands were below camera level. Slowly the camera starts to pan downward towards his nether regions. It was like an unavoidable slow motion car wreck. My inner child screamed in agony as the film displayed this man massaging his balls in the shower. I let out an involuntary gasp as the word "tootsie roll" flashed into my brain.

This man had a dick the size of one of those tiny chocolate candies they give out at the bank.

I didn't have the urge to laugh but instead a feeling of confusion came over me. Horrible questions raced through my mind...why are they showing this man's tiny genitalia? I wondered what would possess someone with such a minuscule Johnson to be filmed and ridiculed by millions of school children. The film goes on, the guy finds a lump, goes to the doctor, gets a biopsy and wakes up with no testicles....and the guy is like: "whew, doc thanks I'm sure glad you caught the cancer in time".

The nutless tootsie roll man is shown holding hands with his wife as the film mercifully ends.

Someday, when my son comes home from school with the health class permission slip, I think I'll let him skip school that day and have the doberman talk with him.