My best friend's wedding

I knew Juan Pablo (not his real name) since 7th grade. We were both loners with an odd sense of humor and we soon become friends. He had a mother almost as strange as mine and we could commiserate our trials and tribulations on a daily basis.

We ended up going to different High Schools but still hung out on weekends. We would alternate who's house we went to depending on what kind of crazy shit we felt like dealing with that week.

Juan Pablo was a very intelligent imaginative person but rather impulsive and high strung. I tried my best to keep him out of trouble but that was a task easier said than done.

When we both started working and going to college. He was severely itching to get some regular female relations going and I was afraid he was going to go do something really stupid. My fears were well founded.

My friend was one of the few legal employees of a fast food mexican joint. He would often tell me stories about how stupid and ignorant his co-workers were.

He soon found one stupid ignorant co-worker who had her eye on him. I'll call her "Rosita" She wasn't bad looking. She was 28 and he was 18. She barely spoke English and he was an intellectual with a gift for writing. Opposites attract? I guess when you are only referring to their plumbing...

Hormones won over and soon they were dating. She was very resistant to his sexual advances due to some bad experience she had in the past. This was extremely frustrating to Juan Pablo and I would hear no end to his whining and complaining. This girl was mentally unarmed, violent, jealous, manipulative and very unreasonable. She was also totally illiterate despite graduating from a prestigious high school.

Whenever I tried to convince Juan Pablo to dump her crazy ass. he would go into some hormonal rage and profess his love for her.

One day he called me up and excitedly told me he had finally done the deed and dipped into the dew. I congratulated him on his first piece of pain in the ass.

He showed up at my work a few weeks later with a seriously pained look on his face. I knew then what had happened. He didn't even have to say a word. She was pregnant. Yup. I felt like punching him in the face for being such a dumbass. He told me that they were using the rhythm method of birth control. I reminded him that he was having sex with a fertile turtle and he was a shithead for not using proper protection

He reminded me that Rosita was Catholic and birth control was a sin against god.

Fuck me. Talk about letting your dick get you in trouble.

Juan Pablo asked me what his options were. I told him adoption, paying child support, helping her raise the kid etc... He pressured me for more options. I said, "what do you want me to suggest? Abortion? She is Catholic for Christ sake." He thanked me excitedly and ran off.

A few days later he calls me up and tells me "Rosita is really mad at you"....

Huh? Why? What the hell did I do?

He said, I told Rosita that you said for her to get an abortion.

"What the fuck" I angrily replied ? "I said no such thing." I could hear Rosita in the back round calling me a fucking baby killer. Oh Jesus, I told Juan Pablo he was a giant fucking asshole for using my name to try to convince her to get an abortion.

Despite my pleadings, he decided to marry the crazy bitch. He got a shitty job at a 7-11 and a small apartment.

I went with him to the court house as a witness to the marriage. He was still my best friend after all.

Things started to get crazy. Rosita decided she liked sex after all. Juan Pablo told me he was screwing his pregnant wife 4 times a day. This was more information than I ever needed.

They also fought like cats and dogs. It was a living hell even as a bystander. She was Catholic and he was an Atheist, She came from a close knit Hispanic family, he came from a distant dysfunctional Anglo backround, He was intelligent and she was a window licker. The only thing they had in common was that they were both irrational and hormonal.

One day Juan Pablo calls me up and for some reason is acting angry and confrontational. He blurted out, "Are you having sex with my wife?". I told him he was fucking insane "Why in the hell would I want to screw an idiotic 8 month pregnant nutcase." (I never made any attempt to hide my dislike for Rosita)

He sighed in relief. Turns out Rosita was invoking my name during sex to get him angry. She liked rough angry sex. She was going all out, telling him that "Hammer had a bigger hammer" Just so she could punish him emotionally and get better sex at the same time.

I wanted to remove myself from this situation, but I didn't want to abandon a long time friend in need. I was getting really tired of hearing his sob stories and it did no good to say "I told you so"

I hired Juan Pablo to come work with me so he could make more money and have health insurance for his infant son. By this time, he had gained 80 pounds and was a miserable son of a bitch. I really wanted nothing to do with him at this point. He was an asshole and he took his shit out on me.

One day I had enough. I cornered him the parts room and told him that he needed to get a divorce, there was nothing redeeming about his relationship, and he had turned into a miserable fat piece of shit. I informed him that paying child support for 18 years was worth it if he could go back to being a semi-normal person.

A light bulb went on over his head. He went home that night and told Rosita "Hammer told me to divorce you"

Oh lord here we go again...