Thanks for the potty mouth grandma

My grandmother had a pretty tough life, four ungrateful kids, congestive heart problems, an abusive alcoholic husband, having to work into her 70's then using all of her retirement to care for her fifty year old children who made bad life decisions. She remains in pretty good spirits despite all the crap she has to put up with. I'm beginning to think she thrives on hardship.

I stayed with her during the summers of my youth as a welcome respite from the craziness of my home life. Since grandma was beleaguered and unappreciated I worked hard to be one of her success stories.

She was the one that taught me profanity. She was really good at throwing out a dirty word packed with enough venom to devastate a city block. The first time I heard a bad word was around 1975. We were cleaning house and my grandfather was sitting in the recliner vacuuming the same spot for about 20 minutes. He was really lazy. I was just a little kid in there warning him that grandma was gonna be mad if he didn't get up. My Grandmother walked by the door and shouted "get off your lazy ass you sonovabitch!" These words were heap powerful medicine. Grandpa hopped up like he had been stabbed in the buttocks with a pitchfork.

Grandmas words reverberated in my head for a while. How could I tap into this great power? I finally decided that her magic was too powerful for a mere five year old to wield.

Not too long after, my Aunt who was 16 at the time came downstairs into the kitchen dressed up and ready to go out. My grandmother looked up and said "God damn Katie are you trying to show everyone your tits?" This pissed off my aunt but everyone else in the room laughed.

Hmm tits? These wonderful words can make people some people angry and others laugh at the same time.

I had no idea what these "tit" things were so I just filed it away in my mental hope chest with all of the other goodies that goofy ignorant kids keep tucked away.

Grandma often drove me to local Catholic school for kindergarten. One day as she walked me inside, one of the bus drivers pinched her ass. She whipped around and before I could bat an eye she threatened to cut his dick off . The man literally ran back and locked himself inside his school bus.

Grandma was not one that you messed with.

By the time I hit 3rd grade I had gathered an impressive arsenal of words. I went to school in a fairly rough area so knowing about blowjobs, fist-fucking, and golden showers kept me out of the boys restroom when these sordid events were scheduled.

Gradually, I was able to tap into the magic of profanity and use it's powers for good. I sent many a schoolyard bully running off crying after telling him that his mother sucks cocks in hell. Knowing my neighborhood, it could have been a distinct possibility.

I could also comfort a distraught classmate by reminding her that the detention teacher is a hermaphrodite model in chicks with dicks magazine.

One time I made the grave error of writing one of my profanity laden diatribes as a favor to a friend. He was going to use it as payback to someone who stole his lunch money. The rat fink got caught and sold me out. I was able to beat the rap and escape with a mere warning after convincing the school administrators that I was framed and had no idea what "horse fucker and "candy assed cock sucker" meant. It was partially true. Hell, I was only 9 years old. I had no idea what any of the shit I said meant. It just rolled off the tongue and made people ohh and ahh in amazement.

Thanks grandma.