Suspending homophobia for fun and profit.

I grew up homophobic. I was raised in family of Irish Catholic rednecks and learned early that queers at best were something to laugh at.

It didn't help that I was growing up in the era of Boy George, Wham and all that other new wave nonsense. I was always surrounded by trans-testicle type people. I wasn't overtly unkind to them like some people were. I was just kind of disgusted by boys that wanted to dress and act like a goofy girls.

I was kind of the same way about lesbians. I don't know where they come up with all this two hot girls who look like models doing the crotch gobbling thing..its nonsense. The only ones I've seen looked like lumberjacks with bad haircuts. Unattractive and scary.

When I was 18 things at home started to get bad . My parents were fighting all the time and my mother was alternating between pressuring me to take sides and treating me like shit because I looked like my father. Plus, I wanted to start getting some action without having to sneak a girl through my bedroom window or messing around in the back of my car.

I decided to find a way to move out. Once I get my mind set on something get the hell out of the way. Looking at most apartments, I realized that it was going to be tough at the wage I was making at the time. I decided to find a room mate to split costs. Just as I walked into work the next day, this fruity guy (I'll call flambe') that worked in my department was complaining about his room mate cousins putting a damper on his social life. Later on I found out they were just trying to protect him from his first buggering. This guy was queer and nelly as they come but since he was Mexican American and from a small town there was this whole denial thing going on.

I thought what the hell, this guy isn't a full fledged fudge packer yet, so I asked and he agreed to go split an apartment with me.

Everyone immediately started wondering if I was crazy or a closet homo. I ignored it because I desperately wanted out of my parents house. We found a giant three bedroom two bath apartment utilities paid in the middle of crack town. I had a huge 20x20 bedroom with a walk in closet and private bathroom. I was set.

Or so I thought... Every time I brought a girl over to the apartment Flambe' would strip down to his tighty whiteys and prance around the place singing into his hairbrush. When I took the girl to my room. He would incessantly beat on the door and ask stupid questions (Hammer where do we keep the ice?) This made coitus damn near impossible. I would turn up the stereo and pour copious amounts of boxed wine but this hairy naked butt-monkey was always messing up my mating rituals.

Then things began to get weird. Flambé immediately started inviting people from his home town over to the apartment. All of his friends were either lesbians or on the the fence. My room mates best friend got some booze in her, got horny and desperately wanted to eat at the Y. She was really aggressive and was trying to convert a confused younger girl that was also at the party.

My room mate suddenly left the apartment unannounced and me alone with Mutual of Omaha's Lesbian Kingdom and me as the host Marlon Perkins.

The confused girl got scared and locked herself in the spare bedroom. The aggressive one was trying everything she could to get the door open and into some uninitiated punani.

It was 3AM and I was tired. The aggressive girl would not quit. All of the sudden, I smelled smoke. Running out into the kitchen, I saw the crazy bitch setting the kitchen on fire in hopes of smoking the confused girl out of the bedroom. This girl was completely batshit loony

I grabbed a towel and water and beat out the flames , threw the crazy dyke out of the apartment and went back to bed. Confused girl's woo woo lived to see another day.

The next day I got home from work and I noticed my room mate had a old dude in his bed and they were touching each other tenderly....Hell, that didn't take long. My room mate immediately moved in with his new ass spelunker boyfriend after only 3 weeks into the lease.

Luckily Flambe' s new paramour owned an ambulance company, was a filthy rich and paid off the rest of the rent. To this day I thank sugar daddy for getting monkey boy out of my apartment. I was finally able to get back to business.