Oh won't you be my Neighbor?

When I moved into my new house six years ago it was quite a change from the 50 year old established neighborhood I came from. The old neighborhood had kids, old folks and for the most part friendly helpful people.

My old house was like living in the 1950's. No dishwasher, old two prong outlets, one small bathroom and tiny bedrooms. It was great for a first house but it was time for something bigger and newer.

We found a nice looking neighborhood with large new two story houses. We soon found ourselves in a house with 3 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, two car garage and all the amenities.

I'm a person that sticks to myself, doesn't cause problems, but will wave, chat or help out a neighbor if they need it.

The first thing I noticed that I was the only person on my street with children. The silence was eerie and hard to get used to.

Then I noticed all the dirty looks I was getting from my new neighbors. I still smiled and waved but not one would meet my gaze.

A week or so after moving in I noticed a yellow paper on my door. It was a citation from the home owners association informing me that my yard was not maintained properly.

I looked around and noticed nothing wrong, I had a landscaper that kept everything mowed and trimmed each week.

That's when I saw the next door neighbor lady glaring at me. I showed her the paper and asked her if she knew what they were talking about regarding my yard not being kept up.

With sneering hatred reminiscent of a Disney villain she told me that the drainage ditch next to my house had weeds in it.

I told her I wasn't aware that I was supposed to maintain a drainage ditch and I wondered out loud who would report me to the home owners association instead of having the courtesy to knock on my door and inform me of the issue.

"I reported you" she huffed and stormed off.

The dirty looks continued and I soon found out that the house I now owned used to belong to the neighborhood darlings who also ran the homeowners association and apparently had their noses up everyone ass.

There was a group of people on my street that were in cahoots and trying to make us feel as unwelcome as possible. A few days later there was another note on my door citing me for incessant dog barking. There are quite a few possums that roam the greenbelt behind the subdivision and when they get on the fence all the dogs on the street go apeshit.

Then I saw the small print stating that if I got one more citation the homeowners association can take legal action against me and get me thrown out of my home, causing the bank to call in the note and basically send my life into the shitter.

I started keeping the dogs indoors with gates in the kitchen. I pulled weeds in the ditch and tried to act friendly with the neighbors outside of the association gestapo.

I would tell anyone who would listen about the citations I was receiving and if they noticed any problem with my families behavior and the way we kept our home.

Pretty soon, word got around and the harassment subsided.

One day, I was in the front yard teaching my son how to ride his bike, when I notice the wicked witch is out front glaring at me again. She started making shitty comments about, what I do for a living, why I don't let my son play by himself in the front yard and basically just going off on me. I told her I was glad that she was finally speaking to me and if there was anything she ever needed to not hesitate to ask.

When I didn't get bent out of shape at her behavior, Her face turned beet red and she stormed off.

I then noticed that there was a father pulling his son up the street in a wagon. My son ran up and started talking to the first kid he had seen in months.

I immediately noticed that the father was very apprehensive about speaking to me but his kid was having such a good time playing with my son he stopped and hesitantly began to chat.

I happened to glance over and see the wicked witch was staring open mouthed through her living room window.

The boys father and I had a nice conversation when his son ran up to him and asked if he could have a bike like my son had.

He told him he would have to wait because he was too small and it was no where near his birthday or Christmas.

I went into my garage and pulled out a small child's bike that I had stored away. I dusted it off and gave it to the father and asked it it was ok for his son to have it.

The man had a shocked and bewildered look on his face and asked how much I wanted for it. I told him I didn't want any money.His son immediately got on the bike and stared riding with my son.

I noticed my bitchy neighbor's face was pressed up against her window and I could almost see steam shooting out of her ears. The look on her face could peel paint and frighten small animals. I seriously had no idea what her problem was.

All of the sudden the boys father shook my hand and apologized for not introducing himself and that he was "Chris" the president of the homeowners association. He told me he was sorry he didn't meet me earlier.

The next night I was working my night job when my wife called me frantic and upset.
She told me that bitch neighbor had come over at midnight beat on the door, drunk as a skunk and went on a tirade that went: fuck you fuck this fuck fuck fuckity fuck. This was one high class lady.

I was pissed off to say the least. I got home after my night shift and banged on the neighbors door until she answered. I told her I didn't appreciate her harassing my wife and using her foul language. This wicked bitch had the audacity to deny ever doing it. I told her that being drunk was no excuse. Then she made a lame excuse about my dogs barking inside my house had woken her up. I told her I would call the cops if she pulled any shit like that again.

The next weekend the bitch had a barbecue with all of her snooty friends. Since her backyard is higher than mine they can see directly over my privacy fence. I went outside to the deck with the scariest looking assault rifle I owned and proceeded to drink beer and thoroughly clean my guns throughout the evening.

I was gratified when I saw a for sale sign in her yard a week later. It didn't take long, for it to sell. As the moving truck pulled out of her driveway, the street was lined with other people she had harassed and abused. My Korean neighbors were laughing and loudly chanting "Good bye dragon lady!"

I was happy to see I wasn't the only one with a problem with this crazy bitch.