Punch me in the face kemo sabe

Reading about Steven Novak's 15 min of fame made me think back to a strange event from my youth.


I was 10 years old living in Albuquerque New Mexico. One Friday night My mother came in the door and told me "We are going to Santa Fe on Sunday and you are going to audition for the new Lone Ranger movie. I said, "hmm, no thanks mom, I'm really not interested in being in any movie" My mom continued, "It will be fun, there will be lots of kids there all trying out for the part in the movie won't that be exciting?" "No thanks mom, can I go play now?" She suddenly screamed,"You are being a selfish little jerk can't you see this is what I want??!!!" Her face was twisted into this grotesque mask of rage.

This is one of the times I wish my dad would have stepped in, but he just said, "just do it for your mom." I was almost used to my mothers tantrums and by now and I knew it was a done deal. Short of me severely injuring myself or running away there was nothing I could do about going to this fucking audition.

I wracked my brain for a way out of it. Suddenly, I had an idea. I went up the street to my best friend Joey's and asked him for a favor. I told him what was going on with my crazy bitch mother. Joey seemed to sympathize with my plight and thought it was unfair that I had no choice in the matter. Banking on this, I asked him if he would please punch me in the face repeatedly as hard as he could and do as much damage as possible.

In my infinite ten year old wisdom I figured if I looked like shit with a broken nose, spit lip or bruises, I would at best not have to go to the stupid casting call or as a consolation prize not get picked once I got there.

Joey was apprehensive about punching me, he was my best friend after all. We went out to side of his house, I finally had him convinced.

His pudgy fist glanced off my cheek. It didn't feel good but it didn't hurt all that much either.I told him to hit me harder in the nose this time and quit being a fucking pussy about it. By this time Joey's dad came out of the garage and asked us what the hell we were doing. Joey ratted me out. My friends dad shook his head in disbelief and sent me home.

My avenues of escape were exhausted.

Sunday came too soon. We got in the car and drove the sixty miles or so to Santa Fe. Dad drove and my mom was as giddy as a school girl...fucking bitch. At that point I would have given anything not to see that arrogant smirk on her face .

We got to the center where the casting was being held. It was fairly large convention room with a stage set up near the back. A lady came by and handed out big white stickers numbered in black marker.

I still remember my number...95. There were around nine hundred kids in the room some of them dressed in garish cowboy garb, some of them with plastic toy pistols, and all of them were accompanied by wild eyed mothers itching to ride on the child star gravy train.

I knew for a fact that's what my mother wanted too. She was not shy about exploiting her resources.

Four serious looking guys in suits were up near the stage. They began calling groups of numbers. Kids began filing across the stage not unlike some dog show or the state fair cattle judging. They called my number, I walked up and across the stage with the most depressed sullen look I could muster.

I went back to where my parents were waiting. We had to wait until all the kids crossed the stage before they made their pick and I could go home.

Once everyone had walked past the suits, they called four numbers to go back up. Everyone else could go home.

I was turning around to reach for the door when I heard "95". Fuck! I turned around and walked back up, I didn't dare look at my mothers face because I know for a fact I would have killed her with my mind bullets.

I stood up the stage with three other boys. They looked at us for a minute and asked our ages. Two of us were ten and Two were twelve. They said, sorry, ten year olds were too slow mentally and wouldn't be able to handle the memorization or the discipline of being an actor.

I realized that I had been holding my breath for a long time. I let it out in a giant sigh of relief. On the drive back my dad told me he thought it was cool I made it to the final picks.

My mother just said, "well he wouldn't have been any good as an actor anyway....."