Blinders
The painfully obvious. They call it that for a reason. When people are oblivious to something of importance it can be difficult to deal with. I guess everyone has their moments from time to time, but denial and ignorance shouldn't go on for years or decades.
With regular people I can just avoid these situations by not associating with them. With family however it's not so easy.
My brother in law told me of 2 family members that molested him when he was 8 and 10 years old. As an adult he is just coming to grips with the abuse and after a night of drinking, decided to tell me about what happened in sickening detail.
I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say so I just told him that I would back him up regarding however he wanted to deal with it.
I really didn't have any advice for the guy. His life was really screwed up to this point and he had a self destructive nature. Whenever we went out there was always a brawl of some sort and more than once I kept his ass out of jail.
The thing that saddened me the most was the violent denial my brother in law encountered when he finally decided to spill the beans about their beloved uncle and cousin. The reactions varied from laughter, calling him a liar, angry indignation and total denial.
Of course, the victim of the abuse became a victim again 20 years later due to the lack of family support. He went home in tears and was swallowing pills in a suicide attempt but luckily I caught up with him and talked him down.
What brought this up was the fact that these two piece of shit pedophiles were at the family reunion I just attended. If I had known they were going to be there I wouldn't have gone. We had to post shifts to watch the children and make sure everyone knew where they were at all times.
What gets me is the rest of the family has to know the nature of these monsters. They grew up with them too. One guy my age is the son of one of one of the worst offenders. The other molester is in a secret gay relationship (I caught them vegetable shopping once) and his parents keep on praying that he will meet the right woman some day...
Gauging the reaction of my immediate family to the claims of abuse, I can't even imagine what would happen if the rest of the family was faced with the cold hard facts.
Given that I'm a relative outsider in this situation I'm not sure what my role in this should be outside of keeping an eye on things and making sure no one's kids are left unattended.
How would you deal with it?
posted by Bill Rowland @ July 08, 2008
35 Comments
35 Comments:
since the victim is part of the family...I think it is their story to tell...if...and to who they choose.
I think making sure all the kids are accounted for...and keeping an eye on the two [fill-in-the-blank] is the best you can do.
I would make sure they knew that I knew what they were...
I've encountered this situation in 2 very different ways in my life.
The first was with an 11-yr-old, semi-retarded step-nephew that had been brutally abused as a toddler. He wound up molesting all his cousins(except for my daughter, who we never left unattended with him), plus several neighbor kids. 30 yrs later, I still get along with him. I feel sorry for him, as nobody ever got him the help he needed.
The 2nd time involved my daughter. 2 yrs ago, she told me that she'd been molested by a former friend's husband when she was 6-yrs-old. I immediately wanted to go out and kill the son of a bitch! My daughter made me promise to leave him alone. That's why she'd never told us...she was afraid we'd go to jail for killing him.
I then wanted my daughter to turn the asshole over to the authorities, but she can't handle the humiliation of the whole process. I've respected my daughter's wishes, even though I still want to cut the bastard's nuts off.
I guess that's all you and I can do..let the victims call the shots.
I can't imagine how my own family would react, but yours was perfect.
Best wishes as always
Hammer, I have studied all in order to be a certified sexual assault advocate. We try to help victims in several different ways. Please note the word "try". Unfortunately what you described is text book...and it makes my blood boil in anger. Its very typical for a family to be in denial...and if I could I'd tell them are ALL responsible for your bro-in-laws life being messed up. Pedophiles can't be rehabilitated so you are wise to watch your kids.
How would I deal with it? I would try to get my bro-in-law to seek therapy and I would avoid the pedophiles in the family and tell them why. They will keep denying it and you will be an outcast.
It says a lot about you that he trusted you with this story, he's kept it in for years. Victims often feel humiliated and responsible in addition to all the other lovely fucked up things that happen to you when your abused as a child :(
Damn. That's amazing. Is beating the living shit out of them off the table? Sticking a gun in their faces and saying if they ever lay a finger they're gonna die? That's the one time where I really long for the old vigilante days. Seriously. That's some vile shit.
In Florida, there's no statute of limitations. It would totally piss off the entire family if you said something, and you would find yourself vilified, not supported.
If you say something, be prepared.
But don't expect anything to change. Likely, it'll just get worse. You're doing the right thing by being there for your BIL. It's probably the most you can hope to do effectively on that level.
If you truly feel children are in danger, however, man up and report it. Just... damn.
It's better knowing that not knowing, so it's good thing he gave you a heads up. I think more of this kind of thing is out there, but no one talks about it. At least this guy talked. Too bad he got the typical reaction from others.
Pretending it's all okay when it's not is almost as sick as the crime itself.
I'd keep my kids away from these so called "reunions." Your eyes can't be everywhere and it's just not worth the hassle.
I'm not sure what I would have done. I have a friend who went through a very similar realization only after she'd had 3 kids. Remembered nothing of it until one day it just came flooding back. To this day her offenders deny it, but she has suffered depression and all the emotions that go along with having been molested. I did a lot of listening and encouraging when she sought support, but being an outsider, there is not a lot more you can do.
You did what he needed... you listened. And unless he askes for help leave it at that~ an open ear. And keep YOUR kids away and safe from the perpetrators. IMO
Maybe your cousin needs to press his point in court. Someone needs to take the initiative to get these monsters off the street before they hurt more kids. Since you weren't the one molested I don't think there is much you can do beyond keep your kids away from the beasts and supporting your cousin.
I agree up to a point with Joan of argghh.
That man's family sounds like a pack of cowardly fools for abiding this kind of evil-doer to remain within their family circle.
Evil always has allies and cowards to cover up,ignore,or tolerant their deeds. That's how evil survives.
I personally wouldn't care if they liked me or not. I don't go along to get along.
Sorry for the rant, I don't see gray areas where protecting children are concerned.
gah...I hate it when I am in situations that I don't know how to deal with. My friend just broke down and told me she was sexually abused too. Which explains a LOT about her. I didn't know what to say but that I was sorry that happened to her.
The desert is full of places to bury bodies that you don't want found.
LOL@the above comment......my thoughts exactly. How does your wife feel about this? I'd stop going to these "reunions". That family is way past fucked up.
something like that happened to a couple of my friend when I was a kid. THey'd talk about it every once in a while, and their families were to busy worrying about "appearance" to do something about it. Still, everyone knew, because these children - who were then maybe 6 or 7 years old - would be subtly asking for help. Makes me sick...
There are some things you just shouldn't have to deal with.
I have a relative that a couple of years ago came out with the same kind of statement. I never told anyone but.... Then the twit in question broke down in tears and admitted to it. The child said "boy I'm glad I got that off my chest". She has had no ill effects that we are aware of.
My response was "When do you want him dead and how many pieces, do you want the body found, do you want it recognizable, any other family members whlie I'm at it?
Wow Hamer this is big. Tshsmom is right though. That is all you can do. Let the victims call the shots but I am glad he told someone like you to help him when he's down.
Oh, for f**k's sake...pedophiles??? I would beat the gottdamned crap out of their cowardly, sick, perverted asses. I'm sorry, but...my family? They would be chopped pariah meat.
There's a time in life to sit back and let stuff happen because it's truly not within your purview to do something, and then there's a time to act.
When someone is a KNOWN abuser of children...christ almighty, it's lucky for them I don't own a gun.
Their sick asses need to be isolated from civilized society and placed in either a home where they will not ever come in contact with another child for the rest of their life, or some kind of medieval torture device.
Or, my front yard, in which case I will whack the f**k out of them with my baseball bat.
It sounds like all the poor guy wants is to be believed. It must be hard for him to be at family gatherings and see everyone fuss over the molesters. People don't want to believe that people they're close to are capable of such awful stuff. It'd take video to convince them. I hope that you believing him helps, but it won't give him what he wants-which is to be believed by the other members of the family. You can ask him what he wants to do about it, and ask if talking to a counselor would help. Other than that, I don't know what more you can do, besides keeping a sharp eye on the kids while around the molesters. Wish you'd caught the vegetable-shopping on a camera phone.
I've read this a couple of times and still don't really know what to say.
It must be a delicate balance for you to manage some situations. People want to tell you things, they feel somehow your kindness or ability to understand, but that puts you in a position to listen and not be able to act. Like you've got a couple of nice guns and know enough people that you could take these assholes out to the middle of nowhere and scare the bejesus out of them very easily. That thought crossed my mind. Of course that's only more violence and would they ever really even fess up after that or just make up a story about you for trying to hurt them. Of course that would be what everyone in a messed up family of denial would believe.
I guess what you did was the right thing. Being there to listen, offer backup for what he decides and keep watch over the children.
You're obviously meant to be connected to him and this situation, not only being in the family but that you saved him from suicide. Seems like a bit of a burden maybe but you must be pretty level-headed and stable to handle it.
Good luck and best wishes for some peace for your BIL.
I agree with fathairybastard, these guys need a private meeting that involves the threat of a firearm discharge and an ass kickin' just to get your point across about staying away from any kids in the family. This would best be performed by a stranger to them so as to keep these shitbags wondering who put them up to it. Hell, if done right, you may never have to see them again. If you need a volunteer...contact me.
Bubba
As someone who lived through the painful experience of sexual abuse, I can assure you that there is NOTHING you can do. Or say, that will make any of it better, or easier to deal with.
Just listen.
Thats it.
and no matter what...do NOT go the 'sorry for you route' that just be-littles the real issue.
I think you did exactly the right thing: just be there and listen.
As for future interactions with the perpetrators, I'd have a forceful private (i.e., no witnesses) "discussion" with them, telling them what you know (not how you know it), in no uncertain terms to stay away from any and all children under the age of 18 and exactly what will happen if they don't. And then watch them like a hawk whenever they're around any kids.
You've gotten some really good advice above and I agree with most of it. I think you've done the best thing you can already - been there to listen and offer your support, and keeping an eye on the kiddos.
What a terrible, terrible thing ... to me it separates those family members out of the "human" category into the "monster" category. They should be the ashamed ones, not your BIL. Best of luck. Hopefully Fate will take its course and justice will be served.
Oh Hammer how hard. I sorta am in the same boat. One when I was 7 I got molested by my friends uncle. So, then next one was even harder for me to take.
After I was married 6 years I found out that my Father in Law had molested all his daughters, and that my mother in law knew about it. Also that my husband knew about it before we got married and never told me.
It was hard to talk to my husband and get a trust level going. Yes we do go over to his parents, no I won't leave my child there EVER, and I watch them very closely.
A big majority of the family (the girls it happened too) act as if nothing ever happened and "love" their daddy to death. One of them does not, and her and I tend to keep a closer eye on him at family gatherings.
What I think is so dam stupid is because he will do something, some of his daughters and or their kids (grown) won't go near the parents or talk to them. Then the parents whine wondering why. Well duh!!!!
And they have enough gal to talk to the rest of the family saying we are bad parents or spouses, cuz they didn't treat each other that way and they did it all right.
Yeah I can't wait for the bastard to die. I'll be dancing a gig on his grave. hahahahaha
I survived sexual abuse as a child. I was 9-10 yrs old. I was emotionally troubled for a very long long time. It trickled on down the years into bad relationship choices etc... I have spent many years in therapy. 25 years later I still feel rage over it but I have learned to accept it was not my fault it happened.
I thankfully never had to see the man who was responsible ever again after his family moved off our street. I can not imagine what it would be like to have to deal with it being a member of family.
As others have stated, show your support to the victim, and protect the children. The denial will never stop, some people as you said like to live "blind".
I would also be not surprised if others in the family have been abused by these two people. For that fact alone, it would be worth doing a little digging for info. But again, this is a delicate matter and you have to protect the emotional well being of your brother in law.
Best of luck.
You did well just listening and supporting him. Shame on the rest of them for not taking it seriously. Sadly, I think that's a all too common reaction.
not too sound too "me-too-ish" but i think i would do exactly what you have already done. you're doing fine.
Do the only thing you can do... protect your own... and let the rest deal with it how they may.
The most important thing you could do was listen and believe him. When I was abused, I had no one to tell either and those who did happen to find out, blamed me. Needles to say, I felt (and still feel) like a piece of shit. When my daughter was abused (by someone else) I believed her and immediately told her it wasn't her fault (which I was told was the best thing to do). I also told my brothers (one had 3 girls and refused to believe us - the other - my abuser had 2 boys said nothing and left). My sister believed us and supported us. We decided not to tell my mother because she would deny it and then hate us forever and since I was already not her favourite... 17 years later, my youngest niece could not hold her peace any more and told her parents that my father had diddled her - my brother was absolutely sick about it because he had not believed my warning to guard his girls. The older girls were probably abused as well but deny it.
Although my daughter is somewhat messed up, she has amazing confidence and sense of self as opposed to my own huge weakness - and I figure that is because we believed her, protected her and insisted that it was not her fault that my father was a twisted pervert
That is a sad situation and how stressful for you and your family. I agree with most of the above (except the burying the bodies comment...ahem). You handled things quite well I'd say. Letting the abusers know that you know is important I think and especially keeping an eye on the kids. But you know that.
Sending prayers for the victims and wisdom for YOU.
I don't comment here much anymore, but you've visited my blog in the past and I'm a loyal reader of yours. I hope you'll understand why I would like to keep my name off this comment and remain anon.
The only two people who know my secret is my husband and my brother. When I told my brother 15 or so years ago, his response was, "you weren't the only one..." He never went into details, so I've never been sure what exactly happened to him or when. For me though, I had to have been a toddler or at the most 4 or 5.
In my late teens, I started remembering these snapshots or images and it wasn't too long that I knew the who and part of the what. I don't recall being touched, but I remember being in a closet and being asked to touch this person's underwear. I never understood growing up the reason that I hated the regular white underwear men wear (seeing it in a catalog or when Mother folded clothes) until I remembered the closet - then I understood.
Like I said, I don't remember anything but the one situation and I often wonder if there is more. To be honest, I don't want to know. The guilty party was not an adult when this happened, but probably early teens.
I've never let on that I remember anything...and since I'm already an outsider on that side of the family thanks to divorce and an absentee parent - kicking that hornet's nest and admitting that I do remember something, well - I have enough problems, I don't want to add any. I rarely ever see this person and considering their young age at the time, I can't help but think someone probably abused him somewhere down the line.
I have no idea why I'm writing this and talking about it now. On the one hand I feel fortunate that what happened to me isn't much of anything compared to some of the horror stories I've read or heard about from friends who work in Child Services. On the other hand, well - there is no other hand. I just try to never think about it - and never talk about it.
I think the best thing you can do is just be there for your BIL. Well, the best thing you can do is protect your children from these people as you've done - and then be there for your BIL. Anything else is up to him...and all you can do is support him when he needs it. You'll both be in my thoughts and I think he's truly lucky to have you in his corner.
Hammer, you've shown yourself to be one of those rare individuals that's cursed with an obsession for doing the right thing. I have no doubt that whatever you choose to do (or not do), will be as close to being the right thing as is possible in a mess like this.
I'm sorry that this ugly topic has cast its shadow on your family.
Dude, that's a tough one. If the brother in law doesn't want to address it further, I guess you can't help in that regard. With regards to your own kids, now that you know, you have an obligation to keep them the hell away from these molesters, but you know that anyway. If that means no more reunions, well, that's a small price to pay when you consider the alternative. From reading you these last few months, I have no doubt you'll do what it takes to protect your kids.
Your BIL is lucky to have you, Hammer. My father molested all of us (my little sis slept with a knife under her pillow). My little bro is in an abusive marriage because of this crap and it almost cost him his life more than once (thank God for 911).
The best thing to do is make sure that your own family is protected from this crap. I would never leave my kids anywhere near the offender, even if that means staying away from family functions. It's important for your BIL's mental strength to have support. And for your kids, they need to know that they can trust you for support unconditionally (that doesn't only mean in cases of abuse, of course. This works for avoiding drugs, etc. but am sure that you know that).
Unfortunately your BIL's experience re family reactions is far from unique. Denial is the devil's own tool.
Post a Comment
Welcome back
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home