Kid stuff
I'm having to talk to my son about the birds and the bees. Apparently he has a crush on some girl at school and is confused about his feelings. I was worried when he said he was having dreams about her but they turned out to be more chivalrous than horny.
I've never been comfortable talking about sex, it's just my upbringing I guess. It was never talked about in the home when I was growing up and my parents kept their diddling a well guarded secret. (Thank god.)
So anyway, my kid asks me if I ever had a crush on a girl when I was his age (11). I thought back to the 5th grade and responded honestly:
"Son, when I was in the fifth grade girls were mean as hell, the prettier they were, the more they tried to humilate me. Women are nothing but trouble boy. Keep away from them if you know what's good for you.
This answer did not satisfy him. So we started hashing it out:
Kid: But daaad! "What if I really like this girl?'
Me: Son, "do you know why boys like girls?"
Kid: "Cause if they liked boys they'd be fruity?"
Me: "Where'd you hear that?"
Kid: "From you"
Me: "Oh, well nevermind that. Boys like girls because it's nature's way of propagating the species"
Kid: "You mean babies? Ewww. How does that work?"
Me: "You see Marvin outside always jumping on Chula trying to use his red rocket on her?"
Kid: "That's gross!"
Me: That's what mating rituals boil down to. So forget about girls for the time being. You don't have any business farting around with romantic notions at your age.
Kid: So what am I supposed to do then?
Me: What is it exactly that you want from this girl?
Kid: For her to be my friend I guess like girlfriend or something.
Me: What the hell are you going to do with a girlfriend? Do you have any idea the amount of responsibility that entails?
Kid: Uh no... Like what.
Me: You've got to buy her things, spend your free time with her, compromise, do things you don't like to appease her and give up your friends that she doesn't like.
Kid: Hmmm I never thought of that.
Me: What's wrong with just being friends with her?
Kid: Because lots of boys in the 5th grade want to be her friend and I don't like it.
Me: Don't torture yourself, you have the rest of your life to do that.
Kid: Dad, if you are like this, how did you ever meet mom?
Me: Ask me when you're older.
posted by Bill Rowland @ March 10, 2008
46 Comments
46 Comments:
Ha Ha Ha! Thank you God for sparing me the children!!! LMAO Bro!
John
You did better than I did!
Your best answer is the last one. My, my, my how time does fly.
P.S. Took me more than 1 minute to stop laughing!
everyone knows it's boys who cause all the trouble! You're feeding him misinformation Hammer!! :D
Ahhh Hammer! This was GREAT! I've got a 12 year old son at home and have had similar conversations, but not quite like yours. Do you mind if I send him your way for a little reality check??
Brillient!!!! :)
You gave great answers but I suspect that the answer to the last question is that you bought her off the internet!!
We aren't really all that bad, are we????
LOL If you wrote a book about this stuff (for boys), I'd buy it!
And so it begins.......good luck! ;-)
Peace
Hehehhe I had to giggle.. At 10 the boy twin asked some baby quetions that all started out due to a feminine products ad...
Well push came to shove and as periods turned to love turned to sex.. he sat on the couch with the WTF look.. as I finished up he looks at me and says~~~
"Mommers?? I am NEVER gonna do THAT!"
I thought to myself~Yaya talk to me about it in 6 yrs....
At 27 he hasn't made me a Grandma again so ....maybe????
I'm curious-how DID Hammer meet Mrs. Hammer, and how did he let himself get married? Or is that story already told somewhere? If so, where is it?
Thats funny. I like the part about buying things, giving up friends etc... I'll want to use that line with my son when the time comes.
I think it's Spring fever. I had a boy come up to me and tell me how pretty he thought my daughter was. It didn't matter that I was talking to his mother at the time. I was shocked to say the least.
hahaha my son, also 11 but in 6th grade. He said he liked this girl, because she was nice to him and didn't tease him, and was down to earth (she likes hunting and fishing) But all he wants to do is ask her to a dance, but he won't cuz he's sure she has a boyfriend, and wouldn't like him. I so feel for my baby.
I am dreading these questions with both girls really. Kora has already asked why boys are different than girls and she is only 7. Yikes.
John: It's scary stuff :)
Fire fox: I'd like to hear that story :)
loon: you're right where does the time go?
M: at age 16 I would agree :)
dana: sure no problem :)
casdok: I wish I was as confident :)
mutley: Actually it was at open air market in Zanzibar.
terri: Not always but my kid needs scare tactics ;)
scarlet: That's a good idea :)
odat: thanks :)
cheesy: Sounds like you scared him pretty bad lol
janet: How I met Mrs hammer
kevin: Hitting them in the wallet really seems to help :)
H20: cheeky bastards aren't they?
Burfica: I think it's the same thing with my kid. I think girls at this age are a lot more mature than boys which makes it even more awkward.
tweety: Yikes is right. I'm sure I'm going to have to talk to my girls soon.
Bravo!
(now I'm going to read the 'Meeting Mrs Hammer' link)
"The red rocket!" Hilarious!
It does look like one don't it!?
That is so funny!
My son changed his mind about having "girlfriend" so early when I informed him he would have to get a job to earn more money to spend on one, because his allowance wouldn't be enough for two. Ahh, those were the days.
P.S. Thanks for dropping by.
Now that's good stuff LOL
ROTFLMAO
Im dreading this conversation....
LMAO!!! You did good, you did good. But, ummm not all women are evil.
Lol, priceless! How cute is that. I'm so glad I'm not a dude. I think its easier for women to have the birds and the bees talk.
You have to buy her things. *snort* Love it.
Sigh. I wish my son was still 11.
Kid: "Cause if they liked boys they'd be fruity?"
Me: "Where'd you hear that?"
Kid: "From you"
Priceless!
Snort. Just snort! I'm trying to remember if we even had a conversation. No. We did, but it was also because of a dream. When our oldest was six. And I thought, oh crap. I made something up and whatever.
They now know more than we do, probably.
this reminds me of my own boy/girl story...
when my eldest was about eight, her female dog went into heat and a friend of ours with a male dog came to visit.
knowing our bitch was in heat, he locked his dog in his camper on his truck where he proceeded to make such a dog fool of himself - howling and throwing himself against the camper door.
my daughter said, "what's wrong with beau?"
i replied, "well, gin's in heat and he just wants to get with her and make puppies."
she responded, "i sure hope the boys don't act like that when i start my period!"
true story.
jean: Weird huh?
mushy: And slimy too
chevy: Yep hit em where it hurts ;)
snowmanpoop: You'll be there soon enough ;)
meleah: Yep I was too :)
aprilwine: Shhh he doesn't have to know that ;)
random: Good you can give me tips on the "girl" chat ;)
barbara: They sure grow up fast
jerry: the kid has a photgraphic memory only when it embarasses me ;)
kim: I tried to play it off but inside I'm freaking out ;)
nanc: now that is just priceless!
terrifying read, hammerman. my son won't even make eye contact, let alone speak to, his third grade "girlfriend". for now, relationships are like objects, they pick them up and put them down. I worry about the not too distant future though. ugh, feelings. good luck. and keep me posted.
My son is more into guitars and gaming right now... he's 14.. but it's coming any minute.
I do remember when he was about 5 or 6 he came home from school, went to his room and cried his little heart out. I finally got him to tell me what was wrong. His little friend 'Alexis' was moving to Vegas. Love hurts. :)
Momma said Womens is the devil
Gigglesnort
The Bug is the object of one 12 year old boys affections right now. And I am afraid she is going to break his heart into a million & one pieces.
She's passive aggressive mean to the poor kid too. (I don't blog about that....)
Good luck to your boy. He's lucky to have you looking out for him.
Oh, that's friggin' hilarious. Loved it. You're brilliant my man. Keep yer pride tied son.
Would you mid at all if I read that very speech verbatim some day in the future? It's just far better than anything I could come up with!
supergurl: girls are so much more sophistcated than boys at these young ages and I really hate to the little guys get crushed. At age 16 things start to even out emotionally but it's still scary.
crystalchick: I know we all will have to help pick up the pices sooner or later I prefer later :)
fyremandoug: That about sums it up lol
marianne: I know my girls are going to be the exact same way and I have no idea how to handle that.
FHB: In a knot! lol
sornie: be my guest :D
ahahah nice. girls are mean. tell him he should pull their pigtails and theyll know he likes them. even now, i LOVE getting my pigtails pulled!
Perfect way to handle the situation!
The money angle works quite well when they're teens too. I told my son to ask himself if he wanted to risk having to pay child support for the next 18 yrs, before he gets overly involved with a girl.
Sound advice them wimmens is nothing but trouble. You chase 'em, finally marry one and spend the rest of your life wondering what the hell you were thinking.
the "birds/bees" conversation was way easier with the boy than it was with either of the girls....
actually 5th grade they are all easy. Its when they are in high school and actually KNOW what they want....then the conversation gets interesting...
That's a cute story. He's a sharp one, your boy. You won't be able to slip much past him!
okay here's another one:
when our son was about six, he asked me why ladies cry when they're having a baby and where they come from.
so i told him the babies came out the mother's vagina and it is very painful.
i heard him later telling his five year old sister, "----, you don't want to have a baby ever! she responded, "YES I DO, BRODO!" him, "nooooo, you don't!" her crying, "YES I DO, BRODO! why do you say that?" him, "well, mama told me it really, really hurts and they have to come all the way from china!"
I still havent had this conversation yet. But I see my 7 year old looking at her reading buddy on the play yard before school and she talks about him an awful lot! AGH.
I was just chatting about the "S" word with my son this morning...of course I say S...E...X... and he freaks out..lmao.
Wish I could keep them that way for a longgggg time..lol.
Its true. When mine were younger teenagers I would only have to say "Now its time for that little conversation about sex - you see when a daddy and a mummy love each other and...." and I could clear the room and watch the news in peace!
I wish I had such conversations with my mother when I was younger.
Your son is a very lucky child. :)
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