Appreciating the differences.
As my son gets older and begins to display more of his own personality, I'm reminded of the way I was at 11 years old. I remember those days very clearly. They weren't the happiest times for me but I had my moments.
My son had his 5th grade Christmas play last night. I truly detest going to these things. The parents, their brats, the off key, politically correct, diverse and environmentally aware performances make me cringe. Honestly, I really don't think anyone cares how they celebrate Christmas in Namibia or how real Christmas trees damage the environment.
My kid loves being in these plays, he likes to perform and really gets into it. I was the exact opposite. I always prayed for some kind of catastrophe to happen so the play would be canceled. Tornadoes or a first strike from the Russians were my first choices.
I try to be supportive and not get freaked out when he wants to have a lead part in a play. I'm sure it's a lot healthier than my piss poor attitude.
It's just hard for me to get used to. As a child, I was sullen, extremely self conscious and approached most things with caustic irreverence. It's only been in my thirties that I've loosened up and not been such a stick in the mud.
Lately, I've been trying to have long talks with the boy, to try and dispel some illusions and build some knowledge about human nature. I don't want him to repeat my errors in judgement that could have been avoided through the basic knowledge that a good percentage of the population are self centered, sadistic assholes.
He's a good kid, and we have several things in common. He is kind, generous and has a silly sense of humor. I'm particularly proud that he befriends classmates that are rejected by the others. He is blind to the fact that some kids are handicapped, or have peculiar life issues. He treats them like everyone else and defends them from others who are not so accepting.
.
He confided in me the other day he traded punches with the class bully/behavioral issue/future felon. Apparently this bad kid killed the class pet and then tried to blame my son. Push came to shove and my normally gentle kid socked him a few times. Nothing came of it, I was proud that he is learning to stand up for himself but had to remind him there are very few circumstances where he is going to be able to fight back without getting punished somehow.
He confided in me the other day he traded punches with the class bully/behavioral issue/future felon. Apparently this bad kid killed the class pet and then tried to blame my son. Push came to shove and my normally gentle kid socked him a few times. Nothing came of it, I was proud that he is learning to stand up for himself but had to remind him there are very few circumstances where he is going to be able to fight back without getting punished somehow.
Things are much different these days... some things are for better but mostly for the worse.
I'm a tough disciplinarian. When my children screw up I let them have it. They get one chance to tell me the truth and explain to me what they did and why it was wrong. I accept nothing less. If it takes three hours, so be it. I can't stand self destructive behavior and I tolerate liars even less.
I know hormones and brain chemistry play a big role in behavior and attitude. I try to keep this in mind, but when the boy has a testosterone moment and mouths off to me, I purposely overreact and fly off the handle. Met with such quick and overwhelming force the kid backs down quickly and he is never emboldened by getting away with punk behavior.
I just need to come to grips with the fact that my son is different than me. He is definitely happier and more well adjusted than I was. I'm grateful that he will most likely have happy carefree memories of his childhood and he will grow up to be a better man than I.
posted by Bill Rowland @ December 05, 2007
43 Comments
43 Comments:
Sounds like a great kid.
I can relate to both your attending Xmas plays as an adult, and starring in them as a kid.
"he will grow up to be a better man than I."
And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
That's similar with my daughter and I. She is a really outgoing drama queen and I was a quiet withdrawn kid. I'm not a big fan of the school plays either now. You are a great dad and have the right approach.
I am glad you have such a great relationship with your son. It is important that they feel safe talking to you know...that will come in handy later.
WTG on being such a great dad.
Great Post.
I've said it before, you and I have a lot in common. I remember dreading these school musicals for a good period of time (I pretty much despise them now for the same reasons you mentioned).
That being said, we're both fortunate to have kids who are happier and better adjusted than we were. It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job.
When my boys were in elementary school, every year the school put on a Christmas play. My kids hated it, but personally, I thought it was great.
My kids attending Catholic school, so there was none of the politically correct BS. What you got was a play about Jesus Christ and the true meaning of Christmas.
I always found the play to be special.
Wish I had the money to send them to Catholic HS, but I am pleased that from K-8, those Christian values were instilled in them and still are (and I hope to say they always will be).
Your son sounds like quite a kid...and someone to certainly be very proud of!
I like your attitude about parenting...we see too much of this friendship parenting these days...I am scared for "our" future. It's okay to be friends with your child as long as you have a healthy amount of parenting and respecting going on. Too often that's not the case though. It's usually just laziness.
Good for you!
I think that is the dream Hammer to raise happier, all around healthier kids than you yourself was. I see it in my daughter. She is so much more confident than I was at her age. (Both kids are 11)My step-son on the other hand reminds me exactly of myself at his age and so my heart goes out to him b/c I know exactly what he is dealing with.
School Plays ***shudders***
Course he will be well adjusted with a dad who makes an effort to understand but also sets firm boundaries.......that makes for a happy kid :-)
Sounds like you're doing a good job of being a parent!
Look at the Christmas pageants (excuse me, holiday pageants) and such as blog fodder. I feel for the kids-they probably have stage fright and are brave enough to get up there in front of all those people and perform, whether or not they know they're awful. It's the show-offs I can't stand, though.
I don't even remeMber any school plays. Hmmmm, did I block that out ? :)
Ity sounds like you are teaching your kids to be honest and take repsonsibility for their actions, and that is a very good thing.
It must also be nice to know that your son is happy and well-adjusted.
He can benefit from what you learned, and know that he is loved and safe.
It may not seem like it now, but it retrospect when he is a parent himself in 20 years, he will know that those things were the most precious of gifts you could have given him this holiday season.
This is a great post. I've been waiting for inspiration so that I could say something profound but words escape me.
Best wishes
This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.
Good work Hammer. I depend on good strong parents like you to insure my future security in this fuck*d up society we live in today. I've taken it upon myself to leave that to folks like you who are much more capable than I.
Hammer kids are great arent they. Watching them grow up and comparing our childhoods theres. I mean the girls already have it better than i did as a child. I mean by time I was Kora's age my mom was just moving us into a new house again. But then again like you Jeff and I are very strict on things. I have a hard time when she lies to us and I know she did what ever she lied about. That is the hard part.
Great post Hammer, I can truly relate to damn near everything you said. Cheers!!
My kids were home schooled most of their lives. We bought their curriculum from the Texas Tech long distance learning center. So plays and such weren't a big part of their lives.
My dad was a major leaque disciplinarian who obeyed the biblical injunction "spare the rod and spoil the child" with gusto. As a result, my brothers and I hated him for a long time after we left home. With my son, who is 21 now, I tried to take a tact of working through problems without being confrontational. He's turned out pretty well, though he's very shy as a result of not having been around people most of his life. I should have thought of that before I moved up into the mountains as far as I could get from people, I guess.
Sounds like your kids bring you a lot of joy in your life. I don't have any kids myself. It don't matter much to me if I have any, but I can definately see what a great experience it is watching them grow up.
All the kids I watched grow up in my family turned out to be little assholes in their adult lives though. So, let's hope for the best. It seems much of it depends on how cool the parents are to begin with.
To help keep my insanity as a Dad, I always remember that the first Dad only had one rule; Do not eat the apples from THIS tree and his kids didn’t listen to him very well.
My son is 11 as well... he is more than I can handle at times.
The TUDE, the hormones.... the visible body hair....its all happening so damn fast.
But... he is still pretty sweet (when he wants to be...or when he wants something).....
it is reassuring to know that ours will also be better people than we were or could ever be.
your little guy sounds like a keeper.
i'll say this at the risk of catching some heat, but i feel it the most important role in the world - that of a stay at home parent, whether male or female. our society has lost much when both parents leave the home to work.
i thank my husband everyday that he's afforded me that and i know you feel the same about your wife.
great kids are hard to find.
btw - our two teens are in the h.s. yearly cast play - it's a spin of snow white and the seven dorks. or, something like that.
when you get the chance, come on over to curtains and see why you and everyone you know SHOULD boycott hallmark this year. shameless plug...
Isn't it amazing how we give life to people who are so different from us? We watch them grow and unfold into their own being- they are not copies of us...and it's so wrong when we fail to grasp that fact.
I sometimes feel that I'm getting to experience a 2nd life by seeing the world through my daughters eyes. Communication and listening are the 2 most important things I do for my kids...what kind of parent would I be if my kids couldn't honestly discuss anything with me?
Sigh- I'd be my dad all over again...no thanks.
That's all we can every hope for is that they do better than us. That we raise them to not repeat mistakes, or have as hard a life as we did.
All that without spoiling them. It's hard to do, but it is doable.
I admire you Hammer. You and I are on the same page alot with parenting.
First off...Calvin and Hobbes was my all time favorite cartoon...I bet you were like Calvin huh?
Your son sounds just fine...you're doing a great job with him whether you know it or not.
Peace
Your son will be just fine with what you give to him every day. He, and all your children, are most fortunate. You're a good man, Hammer.
Your boy is growing up well and healthy, tahnks to his family and environment, It is a great happiness to see them growing well, becoming young adults. I think my son is happy in his family life, I don't say it is thank to us, but I admit we are very proud of him. I am talking about my son because it is birthday, it is the same for Helene, we're proud of them both, and what they are doing with their life.
LBB: I had to be in one. I was a raghead who had to play the cymbols to some Christmas epic.
larry: it's all we can hope for.
jenafear: sometimes I wish I could bribe the kids to skip out on the plays but they like being on stage so much I can't deny them.
canadian: Yep he is already talking to his mom about girls. I can see why he doesn't want to hear from me. ;)
epijunky: Oh yeah, the plays are much worse now but all we can do is grin and bear it. :)
Kateykakes: I wouldn't mind seeing a good old fashioned Christmas pagent with all the correct characters.
logziella: You are right. The parent role comes first and the friend a distant second. Kids need
structure and stability way more than a buddy.
sohos: I'm glad my kids aren't as pensive as I was. It was not any fun.
Beast: I think most kids that act out are just looking for a boundary of some sort.
Janet: what gets me is that the yeachers pick their pets and toadies for the best parts and all the rest are left wearing the paper hat.
Annie: I hope my kids are learning by example. I guess they can always look back on my blog if they have any questions.
maddy: Thanks :)
JP: It's not too late, I bet you could whip some urchins into shape ;) It is exausting and there are no vacations from it and the pay is shitty...
Tweety: I put mnyself in their shoes from time to time to try and figure out how to deal with them. I sometimes fail to remember how illogical kids minds are at that age.
matt-man: From reading your posts it wsounds like we are on the same page.
Hermit: I am shy and nonconfrontational despite never getting spanked and going to public school. I think genetics plays a role too. It's hard to nail down what makes us what we are.
Paul: I do enjoy taking an active role with the kids. My micro managing nature wants to keep them from turning into little assholes I see populating this earth.
Al: I'm sometimes glad my son is allergic to apples ;)
meleah: Yeah puberty rears its ugly head. Hormones make a mess of things don't they?
nanc: I'm indeed fortunate. Back in 94 my wife and I buckled down and stopped being stupid with money. If we don't have cash then we do without. After getting used to living like that and weening off of a second income, being a full time parent isn't all that difficult,
mayden: It is neat to watch things through their eyes. It's like seeing it for the first time all over again.
Burfica: the not spoiling and getting them to learn from our mistakes is the hard part, but it sure pays off.
Odat: I admired calvin but my stuffed bear did all the mischief ;)
loon: thanks :)
Kitem: It's great to see that your kids are doing well. It gives me hope :)
our kids having it better than we did...isn't that what all loving parents strive for?
The performance thing...I HATE performing....but my oldest is a natural. Don't know where that came from....my Mama perhaps.
This post brought tears to my eyes.
You're a good man, Hammer, and your kids are lucky to have you!
For me, one of the biggest perks of homeschooling is NO MORE SCHOOL PROGRAMS!
I don't know Hammer your a pretty good guy....
he sounds lovely but you are NOT doing your job. You have 7 more yrs to f*ck him up.:)
You are obviously pleased with your son, and proud, if a little confused. Like where did he come from? ;) Our kids are unique amalgamations of each of the parent's ancestors. I loved my kids' uniqueness at the same time I love seeing some look or behaviour that so reminds me of my siblings or some other relative. I always loved the school plays - being in them when little (although puberty and some other stuff made me horribly self-conscious since) and when my kids were in them. As long as you can accept his choices in life that aren't contrary to the values he's been raised with, you'll continue to have a great relationship.
Great kids don't raise themselves, my man. Sounds like you're doing a hella job.
I'm always amazed at the way my kids are turning out. I struggled a lot as a kid, even if I didn't always show it outwardly. When I see my faults in my kids, I definitely blame myself. But when they are really amazing, I wonder where it comes from, never accepting credit. I think you're doing the same thing, and it's so much easier for me to see it happening in someone other than myself. So pat yourself on the back and take credit for what a great kid he's turning out to be.
i had to do it myself, hammer - ten years ago our income AND bennies went down about 25 grand and that's nothing to sneeze at, the pay-off? great, well-adjusted and thoughtful children - was it worth it? hell yes! i'd've done it sooner had i known the benefits.
there really was something to the "leave it to beaver" and "ozzie and harriet" families.
personally, i was caught in between where a portion of my life my mother was home with us and then suddenly she was in the workforce, leaving me (the eldest) rearing MY PARENT'S children. that is no responsibility for a child.
Awesome Buddy. Your son will look back on these days with pride- because sooner or later- probably a little later- he'll realize in a light bulb moment- Hey, the Old Man cared for me after all! Sounds like good strong parenting skills my friend!
Congrats!
John
WOW I MISSED A FEW POSTS!
The tree is lovely, happy holidays to you and your family:)
will be back later to check out the cats.
My younger daughter was totally into drama in high school. She was in all kinds of plays and also liked doing the "techie" work of the stage hands.
Absolutely opposite of me in that regard.
Good stuff here Hammer.
I swear when reading some of your posts that we're almost identical in our life philosophy.
This country (world?) needs more parents taking your interest in raising their kids.
I always told my youngest (oldest is handicapped w/ CP, whole 'nother set of difficulties) I would back him 100% up until I caught him lying to me about a situation/incident. Because then I look like the asshole sticking up for a liar. Instead of just an asshole standing up for his son.
Keep up the good work, Hammer. It's worth it.
As someone who has always stood up to bullies, I admire your son for his decision to take on the class bully.
Good on ya, hammer junior ....
I figured out way early on that when you give in to kids' fits and manipulation just to shut them up, all that teaches the kids is that fits and manipulation are the tools needed to gain whatevery they want. So I didn't allow that. Pitch a fit? Whine/cry/sulk? Fine, go ahead, but do it in your room and don't come out until you're done. Meanwhile we have life and Fun Things going on out here while you're in there sulking/pouting/whatever. Didn't take long for them to stop that. Leave a mess? Anything that's on the floor that doesn't belong there "disappears". They quickly started putting things away when they were done with them.
My son smartmouthed me once when he was about 8 (he's 15 now). I knew why, he was showing out in front of his new friends.
I got that Mom Look (TM), called him out and embarrassed him in front of his new friends, and then made him come with me and sit with the grownups for the rest of the day, reminding him "You don't ever talk to your Mama like that."
Not another smart-off word to me outta that boy since.
Daughter showed a bit of the teenager-y callousness once when she was 13. With the pissed-off Mom Look (TM), we had us a little chat. She straightened right up, leaving her grandmother and aunt to wonder "What did she say to her?!?". She's been an angel ever since (and she graduates this May).
I agree - sometimes there are chemical imbalances and all that stuff - but not nearly so often is that the case as it is more a matter of a lack of appropriate, consistent, firm but gentle discipline dotted throughout a loving landscape.
Katherine: I think self confident kids are happy to perform. For me it takes alcohol ;)
tshsmom: The PTA meetings are another thing you don't have to endure :)
h20: Thanks, hopefully my kid won't take as long as I did :)
ubermouth: lol we'll see when the teenage years hit
jeannie: If I can teach values I think the rest should fall into place.
kevin: thanks!
terri: I noticd we're on the same page. I feel more lucky than anything.
nanc: My wife had to do the same thing and she is still bitter about it. I swore I'd never do that to a kid.
john: All I can hope for is that he looks back and sees more positive than negative.
cathy: thanks :)
JAM: M kid signed up for theatre arts for 6th grade. It's a foriegn concept to me but I'll be there to cheer him on :)
DanO: I've had the exact same situation. I was getting ready to call a teacher and rip her a new one when I gave thim one more chance to come clean. I'm glad I did. Liars are a waste of skin.
Babs: I agree 100% immediate public embarassment is a great deterrent. When I see kids mouth off and disrespect their parents in public I want to reach over and smack them upside the head..the parents too.
The best thing he has going for him is some superb DNA coupled with clear, consistent instruction from you. He'll find his way in life, but will be much more prepared because you didn't conflict him with mixed signals-- that is incredibly important for kids. He sounds like he may be the best of you and his mother, and it's nice for you to see him not have the same struggles as you. He sounds like a lovely person.
Sounds like you're doin' a great job. I think your kid will grow up to be a great guy, like his daddy. Makes me want to have kids, very briefly.
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