Going to see a man about horse.

Years back, I went out to celebrate my birthday. Pretty much everyone had forgotten it so I was kind of down in the dumps. My friend Gary and I went to a Blues club and proceeded to celebrate heavily. I soon started having a good time enjoying the music and downing large amounts of cheap beer. We ended up hanging out with the band and buying rounds of shots for everybody.

When 2:00am closing time rolled around, we reluctantly headed outside. We were just getting warmed up. Gary noticed that the Mexican restaurant next door was open 24 hours. When the fresh air hit us we became ravenously hungry like most drunk people do.

Luckily this place was within walking distance of my house so we didn't have to worry about driving.

We sauntered over and ordered huge enchilada plates, nachos and tortillas. It was taking a long time for the food to get to our table and all we had availible was a huge serving tray of pickled jalapeno peppers and carrots.

We began wolfing down the hot peppers and carrots. They didn't feel too terribly hot. We soon chased the peppers down with the enchiladas and nachos.

Tired, tipsy and with full bellies we headed the 3 blocks to my house. I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The next morning I woke up with a strange feeling in my gut. At the time, I was groggy and didn't quite recall swallowing a pound of hot peppers whole... seeds and all.

I sat down on the toilet for my morning constitutional. I immediately noticed something was wrong. Instead of my normal smooth morning movement it felt like I was trying to give birth to a bowling ball.

No matter how hard I grunted, gritted my teeth and strained, the bowling ball would not pass.

It was like trying to fit a camel through the eye of a needle.

My giant mud baby had already dropped into the birth canal so there was no way I could pull up my pants and try again later. I decided I had to give it all I had... full steam ahead.

I grabbed an old book that was sitting on the window sill, bit down on it and pushed down on my bowels as hard as I could. Sweat was pouring off my face and I began to feel nauseous and dizzy like I was going to pass out. Finally one more heave and.... KABLAM! the explosive cannon ball hit the water with tremendous force soaking my bare ass with toilet water. Then a stream of fiery death lava began spraying out, It had the consistency of magma, broken glass, oatmeal and battery acid.

It felt like my body was going to implode. The fecal cannon ball had ripped and tattered my virgin anus. Blood and lava spewed into the toilet for what seemed like an eternity.

I was squealing in agony like a little girl. Luckily, nobody could hear me because there was no sound coming out of my mouth. I was screaming in an octave only dogs could hear.

Finally, the lava stopped . But the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before, Imagine shitting razor blades and rubbing alcohol at the same time.

Frantically, without getting up I looked under the bathroom cabinet for anything that might soothe the agony of my tortured sphincter.

Aloe Vera Gel! Like a gift from the angels! I didn't remember buying it but I half remember reading as I squirted the green goop on the toilet paper that it soothes and heals burns.

Well I was burning alright. My nether regions were paying a visit to Beelzebub.

I wiped with the Aloe Vera expecting to recieve the soothing comfort as promised on the bottle.

An involuntary scream immediately echoed throughout the bathroom. It took me a minute to realize it was me. The Aloe Vera had fermented in the bottle and turned to pure ethyl alcohol, and I had just generously wiped it onto my raw bleeding bunghole.

I ran out of the bathroom with my pants around my ankles looking for some kind of relief. Reaching the freezer, I grabbed the tray out of the ice maker and dumped it into the bathtub.

I sat down in the ice and I swear half of it immediately turned to steam. Finally some relief!

I was deathly afraid to look into the the un-flushed toilet. I wouldn't have been surprised if I saw my spleen floating in there. Another concern was an overflow. Cleaning up that kind of mess off the floor would be more than I could take.

I armed myself with a plunger, a bent coat hanger and several heavy towels. I said a prayer to the patron saint of plumbing and flushed.

The water started to rise higher and higher. I began plunging furiously. The liquid shit filled bowl was quickly reaching the rim and threatening to spill over onto my feet. As my last resort, I jammed the coat hanger down the hole and was able to break through. The whole mess finally went sliding down to into the abyss.

After giving birth to my chocolate fire demon death baby, I couldn't walk properly for a couple of days and sitting in a chair was a definite no no.

Even after all these years, my exit only door still hasn't forgiven me