Camera shy
Having my picture taken is one of the things in life that I like least.
Often, I volunteer to be the camera man so nobody thinks to put me in a picture.
I've been this way since I was small. I was able to avoid class pictures by being ill and ditching retakes every year except for 7th grade and my senior picture in high school. I was forced into that one. I took special pride in being the only kid with a gray box in the year book where my photo should be.
My mother used to force me to go to Olan Mills picture studio once per year and get a portrait made. I don't know why. All the pictures went into a dusty old box and were never looked at again.
As a kid in front of a photographer I had no inclination to smile. I was not a happy child and there was nothing about sitting in front of some screen painted with some fake landscape and big hot lamps pointed at my face that made me any more jovial.
The photographer would start with: "ok say cheese" and I would say it with my mouth closed. My mom would be standing in the backround shooting eye daggers at me the whole time. Shit, like mouthing threats at me will make me smile.
The photographer had very few grin inducing tools in her arsenal. "Look at the fuzzy bunny yes you will won woo wook ad da fuzzy bun bun" Jesus Christ lady, I'm not a fucking retard and your bunny is stained with yellow child vomit.
They would start taking drastic measures as the line of people waiting would back up out the door and the crowd waiting in the lobby began to get restless.
The photographer would say: "ok say beer beeeeer, say girls, boobies, Chlamydia! It was almost funny watching them resort to profanity and sex talk to get a 9 year old to crack a smile. I half expected the manager to walk out with a tu tu and a strap on penis just to get me out of their frigging studio.
Finally, after my ass went to sleep from the uncomfortable pose they put me in, I would involuntarily grimace from a butt cramp and they would snap the photo and be rid of me.
Hmm... maybe that's why all my portraits are in some moldy box somewhere.
Often, I volunteer to be the camera man so nobody thinks to put me in a picture.
I've been this way since I was small. I was able to avoid class pictures by being ill and ditching retakes every year except for 7th grade and my senior picture in high school. I was forced into that one. I took special pride in being the only kid with a gray box in the year book where my photo should be.
My mother used to force me to go to Olan Mills picture studio once per year and get a portrait made. I don't know why. All the pictures went into a dusty old box and were never looked at again.
As a kid in front of a photographer I had no inclination to smile. I was not a happy child and there was nothing about sitting in front of some screen painted with some fake landscape and big hot lamps pointed at my face that made me any more jovial.
The photographer would start with: "ok say cheese" and I would say it with my mouth closed. My mom would be standing in the backround shooting eye daggers at me the whole time. Shit, like mouthing threats at me will make me smile.
The photographer had very few grin inducing tools in her arsenal. "Look at the fuzzy bunny yes you will won woo wook ad da fuzzy bun bun" Jesus Christ lady, I'm not a fucking retard and your bunny is stained with yellow child vomit.
They would start taking drastic measures as the line of people waiting would back up out the door and the crowd waiting in the lobby began to get restless.
The photographer would say: "ok say beer beeeeer, say girls, boobies, Chlamydia! It was almost funny watching them resort to profanity and sex talk to get a 9 year old to crack a smile. I half expected the manager to walk out with a tu tu and a strap on penis just to get me out of their frigging studio.
Finally, after my ass went to sleep from the uncomfortable pose they put me in, I would involuntarily grimace from a butt cramp and they would snap the photo and be rid of me.
Hmm... maybe that's why all my portraits are in some moldy box somewhere.
Labels: Humor, Personal interest
posted by Bill Rowland @ December 11, 2006
7 Comments
7 Comments:
Hilarious post, my friend. Like you, I also never enjoyed having my photo taken (as you may have seen).
Smile or I'll smack you upside the head! (Floggings will continue until morale improves.)
You and I both have 7th grade posts up right now. Are all of the planets aligned or something?? ;)
What is with the smile in your picture thingy? Some people, (like me for example) look better when they don't smile. Ever hear of crinkly face?
There was a big breasted woman who would take our pictures in the middle grades. To get a small smile, she would bend forward and deliver an eye full, pretending that she wasn't aware of what she was offering.
Lots of smirking, those years.
Dan: thanks, The blogosphere works in mysterious ways.
Scott: just grabbed the spouthpark mouth that looked most like a a frown. If allowed to smile naturally and spontaneously it looks fine. The fake look at the bunny smiles look fake and pathetic. Mostly I retain a solemn expression no matter what mood I'm in.
Dang I wish I had your photographer...they would have had something more than a smile to deal with.
I agree that some folks look better without smiles. I smile a lot, but rarely in a picture. Something about freezing that instant so that my expression will never change just makes me look like an idiot. Everyone tells me I'm too critical of my pictures. It's my freakin' face! If anybody is going to be critical of it, shouldn't it be the person who has to live with it?
Yeah, it's stupidity that one HAVE to smile. In the photoes of my kids, they are smiling on some, serious on some and crying on some, the important was that i get some memries of each year and I made a scrap-book for each of them in which they enjoy today. Simply because they look natural in the photoes.
I wasn't fond of getting my picture taken either. Even today, when I get a photo taken, if it's posed, I usually have a subdued smile, if any. The only pics of me with a "nice" smile are usually candid, or very spontaneous.
Odd. I guess we're weirdos. Hell, I always knew that I was a bit of a weirdo.
Because I used to be a service manager, was in commercials, had a couple of business's, and was involved in other things, my picture was always being taken and shown in newspapers and such. I just got used to it. And not all of them are pretty because I like to be a ham at times. Did you see my coffee picture?
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