Bad Bad Santa

These are some letters that accidentally made their way to Santa's evil twin brother. Enjoy

deer santa:I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your mom smoked pot when she was pregnant, didn't she?
Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your bitchy, fat mom, who smells like old cheese? It's time to give up that pipe dream. Let me get you some Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those.
Santa

Dear Santa,I want a new bike, a PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Maurice

Dear Maurice, Who names their kid "Maurice" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.Love,Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me uncontrollable explosive diarrhea and carrots make the deer shit in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack Daniels. Santa

Dear Santa,What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids just like you in Bangladesh. Every year I give them a stale slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself retarded, banging Ho's at the bunny ranch and betting on the horses.
Santa

P.S.Tell your mom she got the part.


Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? ..Timmy

Timmy,
That whiny begging bullshit may work with your pussy arsed parents but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting tube socks again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?Love, Marky

Mark,First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa