Honeymoon with a twist.

When my wife and I tied the knot we did everything on the cheap. No one ever paid for our shit because we know what kind of strings are attached. I can hear it now: "Remember that candy bar I bought you when you were five? huh huh? Wheres my fucking candy bar asshole? "

Forget that. We pay our own way. We didn't have much money but we saved up and got the wedding and honey moon planned and paid for.

The wedding chapel was in a strip mall and only cost $175... if we went with the plastic flowers.The reception was bread, cheese lemonade and peanuts..no I am not kidding. I had a coupon for my rental tux (which still smelled of pee and vomit from the last wild party it attended.)

So far we were doing good.

The Honeymoon was in Cancun, 4 days 5 nights 2 people $600 with a couple of side excursions. Cheap enough for me. The flight to Cancun wasn't bad. It's just a short hop across the gulf. When we got there the El Presidente hotel we had booked was full, so they upgraded us to the Bahia Mar. Ok whatever, I can sleep anywhere. When I saw our original hotel I was thankful that we got bumped. It looked like shit and was teaming with children.

Our upgraded hotel was right on the beach, had a huge room with a telephone in the bathroom I guess in case you run out of paper... and a bidet, which I had never seen before. I absent mindedly turned the knob and was greeted by a a giant stream of water in the face. I don't know about you but 300 psi fire hose water shooting up my ass is not my idea of a manly good time.

This place had a 1/4 mile long pool with water falls, a gourmet restaurant and private beach access.

The wife and I got our bathing suits on, grabbed our beach stuff and headed out of our room and across the sand. We found an open "palapa" (grass hut shade thing) and a couple of lounge chairs and settled in.

Pretty frigging nice I was thinking. I hadn't ever had a vacation as an adult up to that point and this place was fucking swell.

I glanced up at the blue water and white sand and I noticed that something isn't quite right. Hmm something is amiss. Oh my fucking god. Everyone is butt ass naked!

They put us in the only totally nude hotel and beach on the island.

The wife and I are pretty conservative, but nudity isn't that big of a deal I guess. It just kind of freaked me out.

The spouse and I looked at each other and we each said simultaneously "I'm not taking off my fucking clothes"

Up to that point I had only seen a few naked people. One at a time mostly in appropriate circumstances. Some of you are probably thinking," whats the big fucking deal? "

Well I guess I'm just a prude Midwestern boy at heart.

I put my dark sunglasses on and tried not to stare.

I soon noticed that we were the only Americans at this resort. There were tons of South Americans, French, Dutch, Germans, Etc... All frolicking in the waves with their shit flapping around.

What is it with us puritanical Americans anyway?

Probably the worst part was the 280Lb 5ft 3 men that were covered head to toe in coarse pubic hair. That shit burned my retinas.

There were some attractive women on the beach but what kind of shitty timing is this? I'm on my honeymoon for god sake I can't look at this shit...

I have to admit, my wife was pretty cool about it and didn't accuse me of staring or anything and I didn't get mad at her for looking at the male hedge hogs that looked like they had a monster wig hanging out of their speedos.

There was one good thing that this beach had that the others didn't. Dudes with sub machine guns patrolled the property line and didn't allow anyone to wander into Titsandassville.

I saw them beat the crap out of one pan handler that wouldn't take "get the hell out" for an answer. I want some armed guards of my own some day so I can watch them beat the shit out of the assholes that come to my door trying to sell stuff.

Anyway, the rest of the trip went well, We went to Chitzen itza and saw the Mayan ruins. Neat stuff even in 120 degree heat. Snorkeling and the coral reef was enjoyable as well.

The shopping kicked ass, the food was great and the liquour was dirt cheap. I could get shitty on fancy drinks in carved out pineapples for about 5 bucks.

Overall the trip was a sucess Next time though ,I think I'll stick to the beaches without all the floppy bits.