Riddle contest post one.

Stucco proposed that I write about something I did to myself that I still get teased about.

Back in the early 90's I was into guns and self protection quite heavily. Anyone who entered my apartment for nefarious purposes was going to get WWIII unleashed upon them. But alas, my choices for arming myself in public were pretty sparse.

I had an 80,000 volt stun gun but it was too bulky and I sure as hell wasn't going to carry it in a man purse. There was no concealed handgun law at that time and knives really weren't my bag.

Finally, at a local gun show I found what I thought I was looking for. Pepper spray on a key chain. It was about the size of a mini flashlight and the spray had leather case and a push down and twist safety lock to avoid accidental discharge.


It seemed to work pretty well. I placed my keys on the attached ring and slid the body of the pepper spray into my front pocket. the keys dangled outside. At this time I was a warehouse manager and spent a lot of time moving inventory and climbing around on boxes and onto loading docks.

One day I hopped up on the loading dock and as I lifted my other leg, I felt a cold sensation in my pants.I looked down and noticed that the safety had come undone on the spray and it had released a large quantity into my jeans pocket.

It immediately started to burn. The front of my leg was going numb. I rushed back to the main building but not before the spray soaked into my underwear and onto my balls. All the guys I worked with were laughing their asses off as I hobbled into the bathroom to assess the damage.

It felt as if a mule had kicked both hind legs into my nuts and made them into spicy huevos rancheros.


I must have looked funny in the mens bathroom with my balls in the sink splashing water on them trying to ease the pain. Luckily no one came in and saw that.

It was near lunch time so I went home and showered. By this time my boys were cramping up something fierce and the OC spray had made it around to my butt hole.My ass started burning like I had given myself a molten steel enema.

By the time I got back to work I was limping noticiably and hunched over from the pain in my ass. My bunghole had clamped down so hard, I swear you couldn't have driven a 16 penny nail up there with a jackhammer. (not that I'm into that sort of thing.)


Of course, everyone got a good laugh. I laughed right along with them. Then I sprayed the rest of my pepper spray into parts room where they were working and locked the door.....and yes they deserved it for other various reasons. (future blog entry)