My mail is stalking me.
I fixed my credit a few years back and I've been really good about keeping my report clean and score high. I was proud of myself for finally getting our family out of the financial mess we had made when we were young dumb and irresponsible.
Somewhere, somehow some company found out that I was debt free and paid up.Soon came the inevitable avalanche of paper spam... Chase Manhattan sends me nine credit card applications each week. Each one is marked URGENT - TO BE OPENED BY ADDRESSEE ONLY. Nine each week. Times fifty two weeks, is four hundred and sixty eight pieces of mail I throw away each year from these assholes alone. I've called them several times and each time they promise to stop. The accounts manager probably thinks I'm at the breaking point and will sign up any day just to get them off my back.... Think again fuck face.
Every shit pot bank from here to Lickskillet Alabama wants to refinance my house.
Mother fuckers from the car dealership want me to trade in my 2oo6 Dodge for a 2006 Dodge.
Fucking Realtors are sending me fucking birthday cards with hand written notes that read "Please let me buy your house!!! Move out now bitches I want it!!" WTF ? Isn't that a hate crime?
And how the hell did they find out when my birthday was?
Catalogs multiply like nymphomaniac rabbits in my mailbox. I bought one bag of 9mm ammo from Cabelas in 2000 and they send me 2 inch thick glossy catalogs every other month that look like they cost an arm and a leg to print. Is this smart business?
Crate and barrel, Pottery Barn, Harry and David , Macy's, Lilian Vernon, Dell, Gateway and some music store I've never heard of keep sending me shit. The list goes on and on. They have spent more money spamming me that I will ever spend in their shit assed overpriced yuppie stores.
The god damn trees are screaming you mother fuckers! Quit sending me this shit!
When I go on vacation I have to hire a poor Bolivian man with a donkey cart to get my mail so the fucking box doesn't explode.
Which brings me to the letter carrier.
He probably thinks I'm some crazy mercenary secret agent Jack Baur dude.
I get the ATF newsletter and phone book sized Federal Firearm regulation guides, Guns magazine, Guns and Ammo, American Rifleman, Shooting times, American Handgunner and Crazy White Mother Fucker with a Gun Digest.
Not to mention all the catalogs filled with camouflage, ammunition and surplus main battle tanks. I even get a police supply catalog with lock picks, battering rams, surveillance equipment and brown noise generators..Yes.. brown noise, I'm not kidding.
No wonder the mailman waves and smiles every time I see him.
Labels: Rants
posted by Bill Rowland @ December 07, 2006
27 Comments
27 Comments:
The junk catalogs found me before I ever even ordered anything from anyone to my new address. The Post Office doesn't sell our addresses so how do these assholes find us? I have a shredder right inside my porch so the credit card applications never even make it inside. It's incredible the money companies waste sending junk mail, but then...it barely costs a couple cents a piece so it must be cost effective. AOL is relentless.
AT&T has given me about a thousand 'last' chances to apply for one of their master cards. The thing is, I've had one for years. WTF??
If there is a postage paid return envelop included just put the crap in it and send it back to them. If everyone started doing that maybe they would stop.
Or put a different company's crap in it, to share the shit ya know. Toss in some expired coupons also. :-)
Dude, could you order me some double dipped chocolate covered peanuts from Harry and David? I'd appreciate it!
I think you just described my mailbox as well... at least minus the gun stuff, although I think I'd like to get some of that. :)
Anyway, yeah... We just got a home equity loan this summer, and the SAME FUCKING BANK we got the loan through is sending us letters informing us of how much equity we have and that we should tap into it. Holy hell! Poor record keeping practices, anyone??
I'm not sure if you're doing this already, but make sure you shred everything with your name and address on it. The paper works great as garden mulch and kindling, if you aren't tossing it in the rest of your recycling. I'd recommend a confetti-type shredder, followed by incineration of all paper and tossing the (cold) ashes on the garden as fertilizer.
I can sympathize with the catalog thing. I wonder if the mailman's getting hernias from carrying the merc and surplus catalogs up our walk.
And the "Move out bitches I want it" - is that verbatim, or more or less what he's writing? Either way, I sympathize.
- ISU Tinkerer
About the time I got to the part about the Bolivian guy with a donkey cart, I started laughing uncontrollably. I was in tears when I read the Crazy White Mother Fucker with a Gun Digest part to my husband, I know I shouldn't laugh at the misfortune of others, but you say things that make any situation halarious!
How do I sign up for Crazy White Mother Fucker with a Gun Digest? My husband would love it as a Christmas gift.
Hot off the presses!
Crazy White Mother Fucker with a Gun Digest
I think you should have some of what Jabar is having and kick back like him.
He knows what's important. ;)
I hate going to my mailbox. Why not just stuff the mail from those credit card applications into those Business Reply Envelopes and mail them back?
I have a PO Box that all of my "junk" goes to. I pick it up about once a week, and for the last 2 months, it has been so stuffed that I've spent 10 minutes trying to pull the stuff out of there where it's so crammed in. I'm sure it's a sight to see. I feel your pain.
In other news, since you're always such a good sport (and a totally fun and entertaining one!), you've been Tagged! again! :D
......and it gets WORSE around Christmas!!!
You are very funny!
Loved your comment on Myron's blog about what God looks like!!
The cigar just tops it off!! hahahahahaha!!
I thought brown noise was just the noise you make when you're sitting on the toilet.
"Mother fuckers from the car dealership want me to trade in my 2oo6 Dodge for a 2006 Dodge."
LMBO bro. That's about right. Yeah they will use you, abuse you even after writing bad checks. It don't take long for them to start making up with you hopeing you'll forget their never ending phone calls of harassment wanting money when you were obviously broke or would of paid your bills on time. Now it's the same thing because you DO have it now. Danged if you do and danged if you dont.
And here I thought I was the only one who got tons of junk mail everyday...
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's loved. :)
I don't even have a mail-box...
Just out of curosity, have you got a $2.00 check form MADD? I did...and they told me I could cash it.
What I started doing was mailing all of my junk mail back through the system to various companies who graciously provide a postage paid envelope...sans my address.
I mean pack that envelope full and tape it up to keep it in.
I know I'm just wasting resources but I would love to see someone's face when they open something I sent back.
I get tons of spam mail too...I love the idea of sending it back to them, I think I'll try it. LOL
Moving from military housing to military housing every couple of years produces some interesting junk mail. You'd be amazed at some of the catalogs I've received with the previous occupant's name and address on them. I could certainly tell which old residents were into horses, and which were into S&M.
I thought I was the only one that subscribed to Crazy White Mother Fucker with a Gun Digest? Wow. Circulation is up!
ARRRGH It's anough to make ya go postal!
That's too funny, Hammer: "Bolivian man with a donkey cart." he he. I used to get all the same crap. After moving 2 years ago, I hardly received any mail then, whala - abracadabra - the mail fairy found me!
Years ago I took a class on making handmade paper with recycled junk mail. It was really cool but I never made it after the class. It required a blender and a screened tray and incentive to get off one's ass and do it!
JP: My apartment used to have some 55 gallon trash drums, chained to the mailboxes. They were really handy but almost always full. A Shredder is a good idea but I think it would cry at the abuse.
BBC, I used to do the return envelope thing when I was full of piss and vinegar.
Harry and David stuff is tasty but paying 14 dollars for a can of cashews twists my panties.
Allie d: I know, how many times can I take out a loan on the same collateral sheesh.
ISU:
The realtors are constantly and incessantly writing me about selling or buying my house in various ways. Not verbaitm but the repeated demands make it almost terroristic.
Phoenix: thanks for posting the cover of Crazy White Mother Fucker with a Gun Digest Baldimar and his donkey say Hi.
aisby, Once you reach a certain level of crazy they send it automatically.
dan: Notice how Jabar is covering his shame and medicating with beer and Jerry Springer? I'm not quite there yet.
velvet: I used to send my kids to the mailbox with their backpacks.
I either need more kids or bigger backpacks.
TweenkalToez: After being sick or out of town I've had my mailbox so full the mail fossilized and had to be blasted out.
kb: ugh Christmas catalogs..
Thanks for visiting :)
alandp: It's more than just noise my friend ;)
Gunz: lol Yeah I got just as much crap when my creditors hated me thats for sure.
kateykakes: If I was really lonely
junk mail would be pretty exciting, but these days I just don't feel the love ;)
otis: 2.00 from madd? Thats weird.
I used to mail back the stuff. I would actually just tape the envelope to a brick.
MrsJoseGoldbloom, glad to see you back!
jarhead john my wife started getting suspiscious when she saw all the adam and eve catalogs filled with dildos and love oils.
They spelled my name wrong and I was able to determine is was someones sick practical joke.
l>t Not postal yet thank god for the release of a blog rant.
nomas: I saw the papermaking on a craft show, it looke interesting but I didn't want to put bleach in my margarita blender.
Kirsten: I am so jealous!
I know what you mean about the piss and vinegar thing. :-)
You think the Dodge dealer's crazy? I had a bank taking me into collections on a $4000 identity theft, and sending me credit card applications at the same time.
triticale: I am not surprised. These companies don't know what they are doing most of the time.
Tape a brick to the postage paid return envelope and mail it back.
Post a Comment
Welcome back
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home