My job at the Karaoke bar

A couple of years back my brother in law took a job as a DJ in a local Karaoke bar. He sang like a diseased crow with laryngitis but everyone was always shitassed drunk and or trying to get laid so it really didn't matter. As long as he kept the attention whores up on stage on a regular basis everything was copacetic.

Sometimes the adults in our immediate family would go down to the bar, have a few drinks and have a good laugh. As an introvert I wasn't really interested in getting on stage, but one night after my wife and her sister loaded me up with about 9 kamikaze shots then tricked me into getting up there to sing. Luckily with the liquid courage and a song I knew I ended up doing alright. Everyone was shocked, including myself.

Soon after, my Brother in law told me that the weekend DJ was just imprisoned for murder and would I come down and take his job. It was $60 a night plus tips. I'm usually just farting around from 9pm to 2am anyway so I took the job. I quickly found out working in a bar was much different than visiting one.

Here are some of the things I learned:

No matter how fair I tried to be with the singer rotation, some drunk asshole was always pissed off about it.

Drunks can be rude, obnoxious, loud, violent and amorous sometimes all at the same time.

Middle Eastern men have absolutely no respect for women (at least in bars)

When certain women get liquored up they will screw anything longer than it is wide.

When certain men get liquored up they will screw a knot hole in the fence.

Loud, screechy, women should not sing Purple Rain by Prince. (at least not on my night)

Crazy by Patsy Cline and Friends in low places, should be forever banned, you would understand if you heard 20 really horrid drunk versions done group style each night.

Even if a urinal was 4 feet wide people would still miss it.

If you are screwing in the parking lot, I will take customers out there to watch, charge admission and post the video online.

There were a few good times.

One time I saw a junkie looking guy go into the restroom. I waited a minute or so then I kicked open the door as hard as I could with my size 13. I heard a loud scream as white powder flew up into the air and a mirror shattered on the floor. (Tee hee)

There were always girls flashing their boobs at the stage. Sometimes they looked like oranges in tube socks but what the heck, it helped break up the monotony.

Old people are fun to watch on stage. Especially when they are trying to impress a young escort.Have you ever seen a 75 year old man sing and dance to Jumpin Jack Flash? ...well besides Mick Jagger

Sometimes on a really bad night I would sing the Rodeo song .

I finally had to quit after the 80 year old owner would come in several nights in a row, get drunk and urinate all over the place leaving me to carry him to the car piss drenched and passed out.

The owners 78 year old wife was always trying to get me into bed. I was flattered I think.

Too wild for me. I must be slowing down.