Thrown to the wolves

My first management job was a lead supervisor of a receiving, inventory control department for a technology company. I had 11 guys working for me all between the ages of 17 and 22.

As you can well imagine, having this number of rowdy young peckerheads all working in a small area was challenging to say the least.

I had to motivate these guys with a mixture of fear, pride, shame, rivalry and competition. This was a pretty tall order because I was only 23 years old myself.

These employees of mine were some of the nastiest, raunchiest, most vile motherfuckers you would ever care to meet. The unofficial ringleader was the son of our illustrious CEO. I never took shit off of him and I think I earned his respect.

The CEO's son I'll call Kent. Kent was an unwashed, pierced, tattooed guy with a big curly mop of hair. Kent was in a band. I always thought he was a little crazy the way he would randomly scream "daddy daddy you're making my asshole hurt! pour water on it!" Then he would roll around in a fit of laughter. Artistic types...sheesh.

We had another guy from the Bronx who told us stories about fighting off gangs and cutting off noses and ears of people that would try to rob him.

There was a guy who looked like the ubiquitous fat burger boy statue. Kent named him "burger boy". I felt bad for burger boy because he was a dork that was trying hard to fit in. He never really succeeded probably due to the fact that he rattled off Saturday night live skits from memory all day long. Heyyy.. its the Hammernator, hammer rama, the hammer meister, makin the copies, yep the copier nator the copy meister... It was torture. Heck. I would have to throw heavy objects at him to make him shut up.

We had a redneck guy too. He was really bigoted and ignorant. He thought all oriental people were called "Chinks" and all middle eastern people were called "dune coons" He really thought this was fine and dandy and got really pissed off when I told him to stop making derogatory racial comments. Later, he told me he wasn't mad about what I said, He was angry that I used words that he didn't understand.

Everyone else was just as screwed up but in different ways, we had white trash, ex-cons, frat boys, druggies, air heads and weirdos all thrown into the mix.

Then the fun started.

Our company financial officer was a seventh day adventist. I really didn't know what that meant except for the fact that their kids did not ever see the outside world other than their home, church, or church activities. They associated with no one outside of their sect. No TV, movies, books (other than religious texts) etc.. These kids were 16 and 17 years old and had never heard a cuss word, seen a pair of boobs or been exposed to anything wilder than the adventures of bibleman.

Guess where they got sent for their first job? Yep, yours truly. It was a cruel cruel thing to throw these sheltered young men into the cess pit of depravity that was my department.

I really tried to reign in the bawdy behavior but it was made worse when Kent decided to launch an all out jihad of debauchery against these poor kids.

Imagine throwing bambi and thumper into a room filled with hungry Velociraptors and you can get an idea of what I'm talking about.

For example, One of the favorite activities was for a couple of guys would walk in to the store room and re-enact a scene from deliverance. "boy you shore got a purty mouth" " How about you take off them pants" "Squeal! Squeal! The new guy must have thought that he had died, gone to the seventh level of hell and was surrounded by demons.

I couldn't be there all the time to protect bambi and thumper but lord knows I tried.

Kent would often do things such as approach our new employees and describe the ins and outs of sodomy, water sports and show them naked pictures of his girlfriend. Upon hearing these exploits one guy stuck his fingers in his ears and started praying. I was constantly kicking everyone ass regarding their behavior. People can be so cruel.

Apparently the Seventh day Adventist sodomite boot camp was garnered as some kind of success because they sent four more wet behind the ears church boys into our lions den.

Shortly thereafter, I was promoted to a nice office upstairs and a cushy desk job.

I went to check on our new guys from time to time and gradually they began fighting back, drinking, smoking, swearing and quoting porno movies they've never seen.

I guess everything works out in the end.