Speak up! No one will do it for you.
Hypgnosys got to me to thinking with his latest post.
I was at the salon getting all the kid's their monthly hair cut and I was chatting with the lady stylist Lisa who we've been going to for years..I don't know how the subject came up but she made a remark about how married couples fight all the time. I told her that my wife and I didn't fight about things...She asked how we could possibly not fight after being married for almost 18 years.
I told her that when I'm upset about something I speak up and clear the air as soon as it happens...the wife does the same. Fights don't develop because we don't sit there for days weeks and months marinating in our own juices letting little shit build up into big ugly problems.
Lisa seemed amazed by this and she said she made a huge laundry list of complaints she had over the years and handed it to her husband and asked for a divorce. Her husband asked why she hadn't brought up any of those issues before..she told him "You should have known"
I told her that men don't know and need to be told no matter how obvious the issue seems to you.
How can someone spend years of their life pissed off and miserable when all they have to do is speak up and say what's on their mind? Maybe you won't always get the reaction you desire but the cards are on the table, the problem is off your chest and the person you are angry with is at least given the opportunity to address the issue and or correct it. If you fear your spouse will become violent if you speak your mind, it's time to get the hell out anyway.
How many relationships have ended up in the shitter because one or both parties didn't talk about their problems and peeves and instead chose to act miserable, upset and passive aggressive toward their partner to punish them?
Maybe it's the way we are brought up..many of us were required or expected to suffer in silence as children. Speaking up or talking about problems just caused a massive negative reaction from the parent..I can see how this could carry over into adulthood.
Something to think about I guess.
posted by Bill Rowland @ June 30, 2009
22 Comments
22 Comments:
That's what threw my first marriage in the shitter. Well, that and an extra 150lbs.
Dick
BDP
My sister didn't think we should get married because of our "constant fighting" as she called it. I would have to say that Gary and I don't fight. We snipe and bicker. Which sounds bad but as you say, it clears the air. Often just voicing your irritation at something makes it better. So my sister, who held her piece and apparently so did her husband - were divorced after 16 years that they didn't really know each other while Gary and I are still married after 29 years and know what things set the other off and what things they like.
No pun intended, but you nailed it.
Talk it out, don't take it for granted that the other knows what is on your mind.
Flyinfox raises his hand and says, "Guilty as charged!"
However, now I am in a marriage where both of us speak up....its working much better than the past.
It too me a while to get to that point. Even though my wife was already there.
However,after about a year of her "training" me,I am there as well,and we are much happier now.
I also,strangely enough, get my way more often now,and will less fuss about it.
I love the fact that you are making your marriage work. I tried for a very long time. But it takes 2.
My wusband is at my place this week vacationing and decompressing after 4 months in Iraq. So far so good. We are getting along and not snyping at each other.. But trust me, there is a reason we are no longer together.
Rain coming your way. Please take it from us. This is just non stop since May 10th. Enough. We have gotten over our drought.
Husband and I already come from perfect examples of how not to have a good marriage in regards to communication. I am happy to say we both talk to each other. When there is an issue we remember that we are on the same side. I never understood how people got together only to be each other's worst enemy. That makes no sense. I love and respect my Husband and he the same with me. And it shows.
Well, I come from the school of thought that says address things now, or pay dearly for them later. Unfortunately, husband will NOT speak when he is angry and often resorts to the silent treatment - for days.
thats how me and the hubbs roll
Get it out of our system and go on
Been married 48yrs,as of last week,ain't no easy formula,but talking things out,respecting each other,and actually working at solving problems,instead of raising hell,or sulling up,helps a lot, Even at that its been a long hard ride,kids,work,illness and inlaws(on both sides)make for an interesting relationship.
You made some really excellent points here -good, staid advice, for sure. My ex and I did discuss, argue, and then fight -and did it often too. But, no matter how you go about the communication process, it also helps immeasurably if one party in the mix is not drunk. Not saying that might have saved our marriage but it probably wouldn't have hurt it any more than it already was.
pop and i don't bicker either - we're into our 20th year - some women refuse to believe that men CANNOT read minds - it is better to get things out into the open and get past them.
best advice - never talk your spouse down to other people - EVER!
I guess that is how the wife and I have stayed together since we were 16 damn 17 years don't seem that long but seems like a lifetime at the same time.
It's not hard to get so involved in getting through each day that you don't have time to communicate with each other. Especially if you both have demanding and stressful careers. Maybe you only see each other for an hour or so a day. Or, as has been the case in the past with my wife and I, maybe she works in another town and can only come home Friday night and has to leave Sunday night.
Works for me. 30 years married. We argue at times, but that come with the turf.
I've been married over 25 years and it's not like we've never had an argument about anything... but it's definitely much better when we talk it out before assuming stuff or going off to sulk.
Ray and I have some type of disagreement every day. Its not always huge but we both say what we feel. Of course this is marriage #2 for me. Hmmmm?
Sweetthing has put up with me for over 46 years. We have had our difficulties at times I reckon but we always seem to be able to clear the air. I think a big problem with newly weds is that they think a person will change...or that they can bend a person to their will after marriage. It don't work that way! I told sweetthing early on that what she sees is what she gets. If she can't take what she don't like with what she does then no sense making each other miserable. She allowed that cute way I had of climbing into her bed made up for the way I fell out of it...
You're right, Hammer. For any relationship, it's better to just duke it out and then get over it. It's really hard for some people to do but it will help a marriage to talk, even if the other person won't like what you are saying. Couples who argue and work things out as they arise are better off than those who simmer in frustrations.
I often look around at restaurants and see couples literally staring off into space silently while eating with each other. They ooze unhappiness and boredom. It's like they don't even know each other. Meanwhile, my family is all blabbering on nonstop all the time, talking over each other even. I'd prefer the latter though it does make for more headaches in the short term :P
Great advice if both parties are mature enough to communicate that way and not take it personally. When one spouse takes it personally and makes everything a personal and petty issue, it doesn't work out so well. It comes a little harder to some than others.
there are so many layers to this issue that to enter into it from the working end can make things worse....especially if one person takes things "personally" or feels threatened by the discussion at all.
relationships begin and are founded on shared values. not just liking the same things, such as music or food, but important issues such as family, children, commitment, fidelity..etc.
you will be staggered to find how people differ in thier view as to what a loyal partner means, for instance....and if you shy away from addressing the value your partner has over important issues early on, you are heading for trouble.
the values provide the foundation.
then comes learning to trust the other person to love you in spite of differences of opinion or states of mood (i.e. if you are pissed at him or her for what they just did....)
and forget the fairy tale shit people. it`s about dedication to seeing the relationship through, no matter what.
a keeper is a keeper....we all know the difference as adults.
i began dating recently after a 15 year relationship and i have found my keeper...and so has she, but we had to walk the walk and talk the talk to get here.
i met my keeper, yet still had to ask some difficult questions.
and do we ever share values....and people look at us like we have two heads sometimes...old-fashioned, boring, party-poopers.
but we both have the same value on so many things that we can just watch eachother`s backs.
Pure wisdom.
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