Getting older beats the alternative
People aren't always kind when you cross the threshold from being a young man and start heading down the hump where there really isn't any going back.
You know, when you reach the point where anyone under 40 calls you sir and women no longer see you as a viable sex object. (unless you drive an expensive sports car)
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A cousin noticed the white hairs in my beard and started calling me old man. It's not fair.. I don't comment on her giant camel toe...
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I'm not going to use that beard dye either, that shit looks awful. Ever see that guy on the oxy clean commericals?...sheesh he swims in that shit.
It's also getting more difficult to bend over and pick things up and if I'm down on the floor working on something or playing with the kids, standing up takes planning and a conscious effort...maybe it's time to start exercising a little. Or stop getting down on the floor...
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I've already cut way back on my eating. I used to be able to go to a buffet and tear the shit out of it right to the point where the joint loses money and the manager turns off the "open" sign... These days I can barely finish one plate of salad.
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I also have to be careful not to eat anything that will make me blow the covers off the bed . You know, the gas that is so bad to where it sounds like your ass cheeks are applauding.
Bad attitude goes along with getting older. I see some of these young ignorant punks walking around and I just want to kick them in the balls..not because I am jealous of their youth,...just because the look of those worthless greasy bastards pisses me off.
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I also have no idea what bands are popular now, when someone tries to talk to me about music. I'm about as clueless as someone who has been in a coma since 1989. Goo goo dolls? Slipknot? Sounds like an erotic bookstore.
I realized the other day..Most of my underwear is older than Brittney Spears...and she doesn't even wear any...that news would have been titillating in my youth, now it's just gross and shameful. (not my underwear..her lack of it) Mine is just ratty and has broken elastic. come to think of it.. just like Britney Spears Vagina...
I enjoy napping now. I used to think it was a waste of free time, but now napping is a necessity.
Getting older isn't all bad. I'm wiser and smarter than I ever was and I sure as hell don't get fooled and scammed like I used to. My motto is, if someone is selling something and their lips are moving, you can pretty much assume it's bullshit coming out of their mouth.
I can also tell youngins..."Back in my day a video game only cost a quarter, we only had 8 colors, gas was a dollar, our phones were attached to the wall and our music came on tape."
Yeah those were the good old days. I need a nap.
posted by Bill Rowland @ December 26, 2007
52 Comments
52 Comments:
I remember watching a sitcom where someone said that the sure sign of getting older is when you grunt when you pick something up. I started grunting a long time ago.
You forgot to tell your kids that when you were their age, they didn't have TVs in minivans. You know, my family would drive to Florida for vacations and I don't remember wishing we had a TV in the car. I was too busy reading comics and watching for billboards advertising interesting tourist traps.
Oh yeah, and I love my naps too.
A killer for me is getting out of a small car on a long trip. You feel basically fine, but then you start to stand, and dear God, every bone in your body pops.
I think it would be easier to attach a bag and only have to get out of the car once.
But older and wiser is good. So are naps!
Gawd, you ARE grumpy!
I lurve it!
Anyway, happy belated Christmas anyhoo. I hope you had a grand time with the young'uns and your lovely wife.
Cheers, m'dear!
You know, I wasn't feeling particularly old until I read this:
"Back in my day a video game only cost a quarter, we only had 8 colors, gas was a dollar, our phones were attached to the wall and our music came on tape."
Yikes.
Before Katrina 1.50/gal was expensive for gas. I remember it costing .86 a gallon... and that was within the last 12 years... Granted it was a freak thing that only lasted a week or two but I digress.
I'm only 31 and I feel ninety. Time to sign up for AARP :)
Ahaha!
Good post.... sir.
I laugh in your face youngster!! But I do sympathize with the eating woe... worse part of getting older.. damned if I don't miss buffets! Or at least getting my money's worth...
Thanks Hammer,I feel older now.
I honestly remember when Gas station were worried about Gas prices hitting THREE DIGITS, they trying to figure out what to do.
Notice how they have FOURTH DIGIT already covered?
I've never thought of you as being as old as I am. Now that you mention all the symptoms I suffer, you must be getting old at an earlier age than myself.
My husband has chosen not to sit on the floor anymore, which is funny sometimes. He loves his nap very much, and I love it, it's when I don't have him around.
It's been a long time that I don't know the name of the last most popular singer.
You, old man, don't look that senile to me.
When I first started driving, gas was only 70 cents. When I bought my first new vehicle, I put premium in it for a long time, before it went over a dollar.
Yep, something I ate for Christmas dinner is still composting. I've been clapping under the sheets for two nights. I'm getting to the age where I can no longer deny I'm getting old. And I hate that women no longer take a second look at me unless I'm in the Jeep with the op down and the doors off. They are still just looking at the Jeep but I can fantasize. Have a good day!
Ah, you men have it easy. Not only do we girls have to watch all our best parts go south...something as simple as sneezing starts being an issue.
As I get older, I find it difficult not tripping over my balls. Cheers!!
You're right Hammer; getting old isn't all bad. Think of all of the stupid shit we did when we were younger and dumber; now we know better (and maybe have the scars to prove it).
Exercise might do you some good. I remain very active (job requirement), and I don't feel a day over 20. I'm sure that will change in the coming decades, but, like you said, it beats the alternative!
I think the salt n pepper - going grey look is quite hot. Its very distinguished. Run with it.
The asscheeks applauding comment definitely had me LOLing! My wife tells me mine sound like wet noodles.
Grey, whippersnappers, naps...
YUP!
you aren't kidding. i feel a little hypocritical when i gaze upon the wasted youth, i remember being on the other side, still. kids today, yikes.
btw, too much imagery for me in that brittany rant, yowza, you are a sickly gifted man.
Naps what are those... LOL.. Yes we like a good nap here too once in a while yet. Only going on 31 next month and we take naps.. Or try to here... Things look up for us as the children grow up though.
Funny, old man.
I'm with you on this one.
Have a great New Year!
~Oswegan
Excellent Hammer...you pegged my exact feelings.
Welcome to my world. My beard has been gray and my head bald for almost 20 years now.
When I was in college, gas was 21 cents a gallon, almost all music was on vinyl, and we all used slide rules.
at least you can still remember what it was like back then....smile.
I want to kick them young punks in the balls too. I don't know why either.....it's weird.
I don't mind getting older, but I still don't like middle-aged people too much at all even though I'm becoming one.
I started weightlifting at 31. Now I'm almost 39. I am still quite girthy, but I feel great strengthwise. I have to think about getting up from the floor too, but it's only because I'm so damn heavy.
What I think sucks about getting old is all the medicines and prescriptions those doctors put us on because we supposedly need all that crap. I have one prescription for shrinking up my brain tumor and that's it. I want to keep it that way.
Eww, too many references to one former pop-star's used up vagina. Now I am not sure if I can eat my lunch.
Merry Christmas Hammer!
Damn those cousins with their big mouths! No worries Hammer, you very well know that age only worsen women but enhance the male charisma, so I would not be concerned about your grey-ish threads.
I've been out for a while - can't believe I'm missed so many posts!!
I applaud you for not using hair/beard dye. That shit does look weird.
Psst, I'm with you on the naps (and I haven't even reached 30 yet!)
While once scoffing at the phrase "you're not getting older, you're getting better", I now know it's true. However, what makes it all tolerable is the naps...........which induce the most wonderful dreams of dweeb-bashing. s - i - g - h.
As for your looks, there's no need to worry. We all love you just the way you are and will always help you off the floor.
I've got you beat! Back in my day: we only had 3 channels on TV, music was on vinyl records, comic books were $.12, and gas was $.34/gal when I started driving.
I used to be the dumbest person on earth when my daughter was a teen. After she was out on her own, I got a LOT smarter, at least in her estimation. ;)
As for the gray hair; tell them what my hubby says: "I've EARNED every single one of those gray hairs!"
yep and you be just a spring rooster compared to an old cock like me!
Oh my aching bones !
How those pissy youngsters make me smile...
...because I know how they are going to feel in 30 years or so. LOL...
...Time for a nap.
remember, bend at the knees...
seriously, i'm looking forward to being a dirty old man.
I just got up from my nap...
good grief, Hammer... just how old are you?? I've had the idea you were somewhere in your 30's.
I'm agreeing with one of the commenters here...men get distinguished , women just... sag.
Crikey, that's a depressing admission!
janet: tv's in minivans god how did we ever survive without that?
Jerry: sitting in any car for a long time makes me feel like that, it's embarassing walking into a rest stop all bent and hobbling.
plegmy: lol I am grumpy :)
eoijunky: when gas hit 86 cents I filled all my cars, gas cans and was about to start on dixie cups :)
murphy: thanks :)
cheesy: they must be putting fullness drugs in the buffets!
al: oh crap! that is scary.
lex: It's not every day but enough times to warn me what to expect.
kitem: floors are bad :) The only time I hear of a popular singer is when they go to jail ;)
alan: I loved going to the sation and being able to get 5 bucks worth to tide me over... now that won't even fill my lawn mower :)
reggie: hehe, the hot car helps a little :)
kat: I've seen the wet spots ;D
matt-man: I'm glad I'm not the only one!
just john: you're right just a little more activity should whip me back into shape. It's a habit I should have kept up with.
meleah: I guess I could run with it then get a job as Santa ;)
jay: lol wet noodles? that is very descriptive ;) thanks for stopping by!
anndi: lol whippersnappers :D
supergurl: glad I could channel that imagery to someone ;)
tweety: naps are nice but I still have to keep one eye open.
oswegan: thanks you do the same :)
mushy: thanks :)
bobg: I showed some LP's to my son's friends and they had no clue what it was.
katherine: for the moment ;)
paul: the medicine ball and chain feels like a life sentence rather than a boon to health.
sornie: just think of an arbys sandwich on it's side ;)
la cremiere: thanks :) I feel better!
random: no worries :) I wonder what holywood would look like if they had to go natural lol
loon: thank you! I've fallen and can't get up! ;)
tshsmom: Yes those hairs are hard earned and everyone plucked sprouts 5 more ;)
guyk: lol you certainly have a way with words :D
cathy: That's what I tell em ;)
minijonb: I'm hoping to be ranked up there with Benny Hill ;)
dirtcrasher: me too, they are well earned :)
jean: I am in my thirties I'm just on the express train to codgerdom ;)
Hey, if napping and farting make you old I'm over the frickin' hill, or well on my way. I treasure my Sunday afternoon nap these days the way I used to treasure a hot car or a pocket full of money.
Old man... I cannot even count the number of times I have been called that!! LOL
The kids laughed when they found out that I actually remember the beatles!
Have a super New Year! :-)
Man...this is my story except...gas was .69 for Sunoco 260! I don't feel so alone in my antiquity now! Thanks Hammer!
And do your knees creak when you stand up? I have all sorts of noises in my knees.
Hell if I'd go back to "youth," though...
LMAO Great post!!
My God! Do you think it would really help if I got an expensive sports car?
Oh I wish I could nap every day at my desk at work!!!
"....giant camel toe...." ahahahahahahaha!
Peace
Geez man! You made me laugh hard (which isn't a good thing, it's hard to breath, damn it!)!
This would be too funny if it weren't true. There is something very unsettling about your body betraying you.
I used to dance and getting on the floor used to be with one graceful swoop as was the getting up - well, you would not want to look at either now.
Do you remember discovering the first gray pubic hair? I mean, really.
What is even more discerning is that I can already see when I look back and think of TODAY as the good old days. :)
Happy New Year!
Nothing better to silence unpolite young people than telling them you 're in your seventies. (A habit I acquired at my 26th birthday, the day I crossed the line to midlife.)
Fantastic and funny post Hammer!!
Although you are not that old I have to say!
Refined is a good word to use when talking about grey hair and I know you will look refined, as from what I can tell, you are a goodlooking soul.
It sounds like exercise might just be a good idea - a walk a day is my advice - it really works and you'll find bending down a breeze! Or yeah, just stop bending and get the kids to do it for you!!
Farting is all good - it's funny. I don't know why people don't find it funny. I can't help finding it funny, no matter who is doing it!! Especially if it smells, it seems to be yucky and funny at the same time!!! I think I may be one of the only women in the world who think so though!!
Oh and if you do start walking, I promise you won't feel like napping so much - and you'll start to feel younger too!
To help me feel younger, I've just gotten a younger boyfriend - that should do the trick!! (although I think it's just making me feel older!!! hahaha)
Amen, Brother...
B-)
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napping is the best part of ANY day when you're over 40 - i could write a book on it!
as a matter of fact, i like to ACT cranky so my husband will say, "i think YOU need a nap." and i'll respond, "you caught me!"
i love life now over fifty and just know it gets better and better...at least i THINK it is...
My Mother's maiden name was Hinton. Her mother used to say "a Hinton can't do nothin' without gruntin'!"
At 45, the Hinton in me is really starting to come out. People will say "What?" and I have to tell them I wasn't talking to them, I was gruntin'. Sad really.
I might be slower than most of those punks these days, but one thing I learned young was how to take a punch, shake it off and keep coming. I might never ever be in another fight, but to quote the great philosopher Clubber Lang, "I pity da foo..." They might ring my bell, but they'll have to call ambulances for both me and the punk.
Dude, you're right here (finger pointing at forhead). You laid it all out perfect. Scary.
Youth is wasted on the young...
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