Light vs Shadow

I've been thinking about my blogging recently. I write in stream of consiousness mode, never knowing what is going to pour out of my fingers. It's been good for me because for some reason the part of my brain that controls my writing is much better at remembering details than the speech center of my brain is at telling a story.

I guess it's all left brain right brain stuff.

I did notice something and think some other folks have too. I don't write bad stuff about myself other than embarrassing anecdotes or family troubles. I tend to avoid the darker side of my life and personality.

After mulling the topic around in my brain for a while, I realized why I don't talk about my faults . I think it's too painful. I spent a lot of time growing up with people who constantly said bad shit about me and took every opportunity to insult and demean me.

When I reached adulthood, negativity, criticism, insults and bad feelings were something I wanted to leave behind permanently.

There are regrettable things I've done, people I've hurt emotionally and embarrassing things I would rather forget. Luckily not too many, but enough that they haunt me from time to time.

The good thing is, the pain from these events in my life is powerful enough to keep me from repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I can learn and grow from guilt and shame instead of being consumed by it.

Some of the dumb things I did are not even a blip on the radar to most people, but they are significant to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if my blog posts show a more positive and good side of myself than seems normal, I'm far from perfect.

I 've succumbed to depression before and shut myself off from society. There have been times where I've shut out my friends and family. There were times I almost drank myself to death trying to get the demons to leave me alone. Thankfully, I had someone or something watching over me and was able to bounce back.

Now that I have my kids, I find myself more upbeat and happy about life.

I'm through with bad thoughts, sad stories and self pity. I want to communicate positive ideas, experiences or at least things that get people thinking and changing their own lives for the better.

Most of all, I want people to laugh more, myself included.