The hubcap fairy

Several years back I used to take a shortcut through some apartments to save myself at least 20 minutes on my daily commute. There was a huge insurance company in the way and I had to get around it to get to work on time.

One day after a heavy rain I was tooling around the corner in my '77 Nova next to the apartments as usual. I suddenly felt a bone jarring thump. My car went sideways and then didn't want to go anymore.

Luckily it was on the way home from work.

I got out of the car and noticed I had two flat tires..not just flat.. exploded like Vaseline covered condoms.

I had many tire problems in the past. I always carried a full set of tools, two jacks and at least two fully functional spare tires.

I quickly changed the tires. Super fast! I had done it hundreds of times before. I could have worked for a Nascar team with my old bumper jack and a four way tire tool.

Sadly three of my hubcaps had flown off into outer space to be with their brethren on alpha centauri. They were no where to be found.

It was getting dark so I went home and vowed to come back and search for them the next day.

The next day was Saturday, thankfully.

Before I go on with this tale...you need to understand one thing about me.

I cannot drive a car that has a mis-matched wheels or missing hubcaps, wheel covers or one of those little donut spares. It makes me fucking crazy.

I don't give a flying fuck what the rest of the car looks like, it could be seven different colors of bondo, rust, primer and gold spray paint...but all the wheels better all be the same godammit.

So obviously, I had removed my one remaining lonely hubcap and put it in the back seat while I searched for it's brothers.

Back at the scene of the mishap, I saw the four foot deep sink hole that I had hit with my car the previous day. I could see that other cars had hit it too and some fared much worse than mine from the bits of plastic, glass and fluids staining the ground.

Just next to the curve of the road, was a small grove of trees and some tall grass. I walked down the hill and there before me was the biggest pile of hubcaps I had ever seen. There were at least sixty in a great big pile. The trajectory of the pothole and the angle of this grove had captured all of them perfectly.

I knew that replacement caps could sell from anywhere from 5 to 50 bucks each so I figured there was a gold mine here. Especially with the wire spoked, Cadillac and other fancy ones.

I backed up my car and spent a good 30 minutes filling my trunk and back seat with new found shiny silver booty. I walked around and found at least 20 more that had gone astray.

You have no idea how exciting this was for a hubcap weirdo such as myself.

Sadly, I only found one of the hubcaps for my car and it was smashed up pretty badly.

So, I'm driving around in a car full of hubcaps and none of them are on my vehicle. I tried to make a matching set from my stash but alas three of the same was the best I could do and that shit just doesn't fly.

I was planning on going to the hubcap shops to sell my treasure for a few hundred dollars and use some of the money to buy myself some replacement covers for my poor car. It just looked so damn naked with it's bare black steel and dented up grease caps just sitting there mocking me like an impetuous filthy street urchin.

I was on the way to the "hub cap harry megamart" when my life changed forever. I saw a car driving along and it was missing a hubcap.

I pulled in behind the person and began to follow . They pulled into a gas station and I parked right behind them, got out of my car and said " Excuse me... I have something for you..." I walked back to my trunk, opened it up and found a perfect match for their car, not noticing that I was scaring the living shit out of this poor person. They looked very frightened like I was going to pull out a tire iron and beat them to death with it.

I walked up to their car with the hubcap and hammered it on with my special rubber mallet tool made especially for the job.

The poor person was relieved and baffled at the same time. They offered to pay me but seeing their vehicle intact again was so gratifying to me that I refused their money and went on my way.

I knew then what needed to be done.

My whole Saturday was spent driving around town making cars whole again. A Grocery store parking lot could take four or five, the mall had at least 11 completions By the end of the day I only had six hub caps left. I was covered head to toe in black grime and brake dust. I looked like a demented Chimney sweep.

At the time, none of my actions seemed weird. It was just something that needed to be done.. an ugly whole in the universe that needed plugging

I sold my last six caps at the hub cap annie and ended up buying my own freaking hubcaps back from those mother fuckers with the money they gave me.

How did I know they were mine?
They were my babies....each one is an individual.

I ended up 43 cents richer than when I started but for some reason the money didn't matter it was just something that needed doing.

Most cars have solid alloy wheels or mags these days, thankfully. I would hate for my obsession to manifest itself and become the hubcap fairy again.