Sunday, April 8, 2007

There is a time and place for everything


As I mentioned before, I'm not much into sex blogs, I'm kind of reserved in that way. Nudity in movies can be uncomfortable at times depending on who is watching with me.


It's not that I have severe hangups, but if I'm sitting in the living room with my 80 year old grandmother and some movie comes on where people are thrusting, grunting and groaning...well, it just weirds me out.

Most other people I talk to, think I'm crazy in this regard.

I'm not sure where it comes from but nobody else in my family is like this.

I've been married 16 years and I've never peed in front of my wife. She thinks it's weird that I close the bathroom door when it's just her and I in the house.

My parents tell me I was born this way. They always admonished me for being such a prude. It's a safety and comfort thing with me. Kind of like a dog that goes and hides when he has to take a crap.

It's not that I don't appreciate the female form or any of that, but I like that stuff to be kept in the bedroom, no cameras, mirrored ceilings, or audience.. that includes curious dogs that like to stick their cold noses where they don't belong...

Recently, I was in the bathroom reading my American Rifleman magazine that comes with my NRA membership. It's always been a family oriented magazine with articles about all types of new products, shooting competitions, hunting, political wranglings etc... There are articles about teaching kids to hunt and target practice.

I got to the end of the magazine where the manufacturers advertisements are and I saw a full page color advert for a stay hard penis cream..."Stiffyderm" or something like that.

I started reading the advertisement. It had a picture of a dude bending this girl backwards onto a car while ripping her blouse open with her boobs half hanging out.

Then there were the testimonials about, "he's never been harder", and "filled me like never before", "His manhood throbbed inside me." "What would my husband think if he caught me?"

It was a good thing I was sitting on the toilet because I about shit myself.

I've been reading this magazine since I was a kid and have back issues all the way back to 1945 and there has never been shit like this in my last precious bastion of 1950's morality.
It was like seeing Grandma on the cover of crack whore magazine.
.

I got online, found the editors physical address and fired off a couple of letters informing them of my extreme displeasure.
.
I told them my young son reads my gun magazines while sitting on the pot too and who the hell were they to have this "hard cock throbbing inside her" bull shit in my goddamn NRA magazine. If I wanted a frigging porno mag I would buy one.

I didn't hear anything from them until a few weeks ago. The NRA sent me a personal letter stating that they made some changes and I should be happy with the result.

My latest American rifleman showed up and I didn't think much about it. Until I was sitting on the porcelain throne once again and reached back pages... There was the full page "stiffyMcCockenderm" advert again. But this time they just talked about intimacy, satisfaction and a better "experience". The picture had changed to a fully clothed couple that are about to kiss.


Much better.
.
However, I'm paying 750 bucks for a life membership. I would think the NRA wouldn't have to solicit these kinds of advertisers.

Oh well, for once in my life a letter got the desired effect...
.
Take that... You cock cream peddling mother fuckers!




Labels:

39 Comments:

At April 8, 2007 at 8:07 AM , Anonymous Joker_SATX said...

Hammer,

First off, I wouldn't call it Prude...I would call it honest. You know yourself and you also know that there is a place for everything. Having this kind of advertisement back there doesn't belong. I agree with you.

Of all people, you would think they would have gotten anyone else but Ron Jeremy.

Have a Happy Easter!

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:14 AM , Anonymous Mushy said...

I'm going to have to go sit on my throne and flip back through my NRA library and find one of those ads. I missed them somehow, and I could really use some stiffy-cream!

I always close the door...you never know what might come up!

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:26 AM , Anonymous barista grazioso said...

I don't think you're a prude at all Hams, probably because I'm the same exact way. I get embarassed over kissing scenes in movies. I find that ridiculous, but that's just the way it is. You did a great job w/the letter. At least they cleaned it up a bit.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:30 AM , Anonymous Ordinary Janet said...

You're my hero!

Happy Easter!

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:33 AM , Anonymous Kim said...

Good for you! I feel the same way about movies, and if I read the mag I'da done the same thing.
Years ago when I discovered a trivia site led directly to HO'S!NEKKID BABES! etc. I tracked the site-holders down and hollered at them, noting that my kids look at trivia stuff... They actually responded, too and supposedly cleaned up the link.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:48 AM , Anonymous JAM said...

I'm with you on this one. Seems a wierd place to advertise such an item.

My daughters are 18 and 21, and it is creepy to even see how blatantly sexual network tv shows have gotten. I'm the one sitting there blushing during tv shows.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:54 AM , Anonymous Cheesy said...

Good job on the letter. I don't pee with the door open either,,, hell that's my alone time lol.... The pups and kitten don't like that I do this... I hear whining and see little paws under the door all the time. I'm glad they listened to you. My Pop would have loved seeing it in the back of his favorite mag lol...he was a dirty old man tho!

 
At April 8, 2007 at 9:21 AM , Anonymous BBC said...

Shoot, it doesn't bother me to take a leak in front of someone. What do you do when out in public?

Wasn't in the military? We showered together, big deal.

Something not quite right in your head there my friend. :-)

As for porn, I don't look for it either, but if I see a little of it I'm not going to get upset by it.

There are much bigger things to get upset about on this stupid planet with a bunch of monkeys fucking around on it.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 9:41 AM , Anonymous Hammer said...

flyinfox: thanks :) actually I used the first advert that had a similr product.

mushy: lol Glad I could help, Try Oct 2006 ;)

barista: hehe glad I'm not alone :)

janet: thanks :) Happy easter.

Kim: the same thing happened on my trivia site I had to stop playing.

jam: you are right. I have to turn off the TV at 7pm becuase of all the raunchyness.

cheesy: the kids and dogs can't stand it when I'm in the bathroom, they think that's the time to ask me stuff lol.

BBC: I go in a stall but mostly I have an issue about peeing in front of women. The porn thing doesn't bother me much other than the fact that my kids read my magazines. I read that kind of stuff way too young when my parents left it around. I had nighmares of being chased by giant man eating vaginas with teeth ;)

 
At April 8, 2007 at 10:47 AM , Anonymous Jenafear said...

There's actually a cream that claims to keep it up? Oh my. I hear you, even I think they go over the top with these ads and content out there.

I wish my hus wouldn't pee with the door open.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 11:13 AM , Anonymous tweetey30 said...

I agree. There is a place and time for everything and you have your personnal space and time so that is up to you.

Now this magazine thing has disturbed me slightly. My husband gets Chess Life because he has a membership with USCF and I have never seen these pornographic ads in the back but you just never know when they might start and our oldest daughter six years old likes looking at them. That would be awful if they did that.

I am glad to hear you got through to them though. As a lifetime member they should take your advice seriously.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 11:20 AM , Anonymous Little Lamb said...

There's nothing wrong with being a prude. I myself am one, too. To a point. I do consider that some things should be left in the bedroom.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 11:27 AM , Anonymous IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

No not Rob Jeremy... Now I have this mental picture of him sucking his wee wee. Gross. Thanks Hammer.

I would have to agree with you on the magazine ad. Porn should stay in porn magazines.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 11:38 AM , Anonymous Doggy Smile said...

Ohhhh-kay ! They certainly took your letter to heart -- just changing the wording !!! Sigh...
Erotica has its place. And it's not in a gun magazine.

p.s. appropos of nothing, Hammer, and maybe it's just cause I'm a girl, but I don't think I've ever stayed in the bathroom long enough to read ANY kind of magazine ! Thank goodness for windows and matches. I do my thing and I'm gone ! I prefer to read stretched out on the sofa with my feet up and a chenille throw on my lap...

 
At April 8, 2007 at 12:10 PM , Anonymous No Mas said...

Cock cream peddlers! lol
My hubby has never let me witness the peeing act either. After all those years in the military, you'd think he wouldn't be shy.

Once he had my dad watch Something About Mary. When the part regarding the "hair gel" came on even my dad was embarrassed - I could have died.

A funny recollection: as a stinky kid about 10 yrs old, I was using deodorant. Mom tells me I stink and need to use deodorant. Told her I was using it. She asked to see what I was using - Feminine Deodorant Spray! She never explained what that was but gave me real deodorant and took that bottle away! he he I have laughed with her about that recently.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 12:12 PM , Anonymous Hammer said...

jenafear: There was a worse on in guns and ammo and they totally ignored me. Door open = bad ;)

tweety: I wouldn't be surprised if they have that kind of stuff in there. I was shocked when I got the letter. I think I'll frame it :)

little lamb: We must live in the wrong era. :)

snowmanpoop: that is a disturbing picture lol. Glad I could help ;)

annie: They changed the wording and pictures, made it a little better. I'm pretty easy going, even in my weirdness.

Reading in the bathroom, it's a habit passed on by my dad. Used to be only place to get peace. Now it's a psychological dependency. can't go without it ;D

 
At April 8, 2007 at 12:16 PM , Anonymous Hammer said...

nomas: FDS? I'm laughing my ass off. I bet you smelled like a summers breeze ;D Something about Mary embarassed me too, still a funny movie.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 12:54 PM , Anonymous Scott from Oregon said...

The long held belief that gun nuts are making up for "other" disfunctions has finally manifested itself in target advertising...

Teehee...

Now THAT is funny!

 
At April 8, 2007 at 1:20 PM , Anonymous Malnurtured Snay said...

Happy Giant Bunny Rabbit Day!

 
At April 8, 2007 at 1:55 PM , Anonymous mutleythedog said...

that includes curious dogs that like to stick their cold noses where they don't belong...

I don't intend to take this personally Mr H other than to say that I thought "invited" meant "invited" - It was honest misunderstanding, as I was testing the cock cream.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 2:40 PM , Anonymous JP said...

I won't fart around a woman...for some fucked up reason, they don't think farting is all that funny.

Stay hard pills and penis enlargement seems to be a big business these days...Back in our days, we could keep our monster cocks hard enough to satisfy our women. These Nancy boys today need all kinds of help. Sissies.

BTW...there's nothing wrong with having higher standards than street scum when it comes to common courtesy. There's nothing wrong with you Hammer.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 2:53 PM , Anonymous Hammer said...

Scott: I would expect the enzyte guy would me more appropriate advert for the common liberal stereotype of gun owners.

malnurthurd snay: you too bud :)

mutley: well what can I say..Next time warm up the nose and trim your nails ;D

jp: lol nancy boys, they probably just don't like women all that much ;) Thanks for the vote of confidence. I guess manners and modesty are becoming less common.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 4:44 PM , Anonymous Groovy Lady said...

Seems like an odd type of ad to have in the back of that type of magazine for sure. Especially the first one.. I don't think I have ever seen an ad that explicit outside of a porn magazine, not that I've been thumbing through a lot of those mind you, lol. :D

Good for you on sending that letter!

Happy Easter to you and your family Hammer! Hope your day was a good one. :)

 
At April 8, 2007 at 5:40 PM , Anonymous BBC said...

It's like I told my last wife.

"No, you can't hold it while I pee, it's too distracting."

Other than that, no problem with peeing around a woman.

You monkeys are sure weird.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 5:42 PM , Anonymous BBC said...

Don't look now but momma's got her boobs out.

LOL

 
At April 8, 2007 at 6:16 PM , Anonymous Matt Harris said...

You should be happy to know that your site is the only result Google returns for "Stiffyderm".

 
At April 8, 2007 at 7:00 PM , Anonymous Jeannie said...

I think some things just aren't meant to be shared between different generations of the same family. I'll probably post my own little story about this later.

And good for you to tell the editors off. I'm sure you weren't the only one. But still, I don't understand why there has to be such a big deal made about sex these days.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 7:55 PM , Anonymous Infinitesimal said...

personally, anything ron jeremy is pimping to aid in sex is NOT going to be a selling point for me.

yuck!

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:41 PM , Anonymous Rose said...

I hope that you will continue to read my blog despite my sometimes sexual topics? Wow unbelievable about the advertisement and good to you for sending that letter and to think some trolls were blogging about my use of Garfield on my blog.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 8:51 PM , Anonymous Hammer said...

matt-harris: Woohoo I hit the jackpot :)

jeannie: Actually it's the principle of the thing. I spend 25 years reading a sex free magazine and all of the sudden they are flinging cock and pussy in my face.
It's not what I signed up for ;)

infinitesimal: Oh come on you know the hedgehog gets everyone hot ;)

Rose: Don't worry, as long as it's done tastefully :) And yeah I'm meeting more and more bloggers who are targets of trolls. Sad.

 
At April 8, 2007 at 11:00 PM , Anonymous FHB said...

Always close the door. That's personal shiut. Who the fuck wants to see someone else take a dump. Remember when we had one shitter and I used to have to brush my teeth while my dad took his morning dump. Eeeew!

And I'll have to go back and check my mags too.

 
At April 9, 2007 at 12:47 AM , Anonymous M said...

oh yeah I'm certainly not going to be peeing in front of anyone any time soon (read: never) and actually I agree with you on the magazine thing.

Why does sex have to infiltrate every single thing we have nowadays? If you want sex, it isn't going to be that hard to find it - I do enjoy being um..inspired in such ways but I don't want it in my favourite vanilla mags or TV!

 
At April 9, 2007 at 1:45 AM , Anonymous KB said...

Wow....ummmm...glad they changed the wording and picture....but still.....

Peeing.....a private thing but if the loo is in the bathroom, sometimes it's unavoidable.

And again....WHY do some men need 'penis-hardener'??

 
At April 9, 2007 at 6:36 AM , Anonymous Hammer said...

fathairybastard: dumps definitely!
My dad would spend hours in there so I had to brush my teeth with a paper towel so to not miss the bus.

m: hehe sounds like you know how I feel on the issue. The lines are being blurred between normal stuff and erotic stuff.

kb: In mens bathrooms that just have a big pee trough it's unavoidable but I guess I'm about the chivalry thing and not going in to pee when my wife is putting on makeup or curling her hair.

 
At April 9, 2007 at 11:14 AM , Anonymous Scott from Oregon said...

Just wanted to warn you about the reading in the bathroom thing. It is the number one cause of Roids-- seriously. Seems the relaxing sphincter bit allows the blood vessel time to swell and sag.

When I was in my teens, Pops used to bang on the bathroom door all the time...

"What are you doing in there?"
"Nuthin' Pops!"
"You're not READING are you? You've been in there quite awhile."
"No Pops!"
"Well OK then..."

 
At April 9, 2007 at 2:24 PM , Anonymous Carrie said...

Adam and I don't piss in front of each other and we have been together on and off for 16 years. That also includes burping or farting. Unless it was completely by accident but I don't recall that happening. I just feel that is my time and it isn't something I want to share with others.

i feel you on the American Rifleman. That is such bullshit! They shouldn't do that. I'm glad your letters worked.

 
At April 9, 2007 at 2:24 PM , Anonymous Hammer said...

Scott: I hear you on the roids..ouch I learned to speed read instead :)

 
At April 9, 2007 at 2:55 PM , Anonymous Hammer said...

carrie: yeah it's a personal thing. Accidents are one thing but most don't want people blowing ass on them on a regular basis. :)

 
At April 9, 2007 at 4:25 PM , Anonymous Infinitesimal said...

i saw a photo of ron when he was a young man

he was pretty good looking

but that is a BAAAD photo on the dick creme

bad bad bad

wash my eyes bad

 

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