Hammer vs the potato chip.

In the spring of 1998 my wife and I decided to drive to Galveston island and stay in a hotel on the beach. It had a kitchenette and a view of the water. We had brought stuff to make sandwiches, some wine, sodas and a couple big bags of potato chips.

We got there around noon, made ourselves lunch and headed to the beach.

As I was packing up, I noticed that the potato chips were the new ones made with "olestra" the fat substitute. We must have accidentally grabbed those instead of the regular kind... oh well they tasted fine to me and we had bought two of the two pound mega bags to last us through the trip so we went ahead and ate them.

I had a good time. Galveston isn't known for it's beaches but the Victorian, homes, museums, shops and restaurants more than make up for it. The first day was great and we got back to the hotel and ate more sandwiches and chips because we were saving our money to go to a fancy fish place the next day for dinner.

I tried to lay down and get some sleep but I started to feel weird. There was a heaviness in my lower gut and I had this strange feeling like I had to go to the bathroom but it didn't feel quite right.

Finally, tired of feeling sick, I went into the bathroom and sat down, when all of the sudden this sticky tar like substance oozed out of my rear exit like toothpaste. My guts were churning. It felt like a witches cauldron along with the hags all stirring excitedly in my belly. Something wicked this way comes indeed.

I must have sat there for an hour trying to get the tar to stop coming out. I used up a roll of toilet paper but it wouldn't stop leaking. I had no control over my sphincter. It was a very scary feeling indeed.

Finally, I crammed a wad of toilet paper up there, flushed, and waddled to the kitchen. I scanned the potato chip bag up and down when I finally came to the small print hidden on the back of the bag. "This Product Contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools."

Damn.

They didn't say anything about my anus forgetting that it's supposed to lock up for the night and not drip crude oil into my underpants.

Other than having to change my toilet paper ass tampon every hour or so, I didn't let the anal leakage ruin the rest of my vacation. I did make it a point to run out to the ocean for a natural bidet rinse after every horrific bathroom episode. The worst part was, when I ran out of toilet paper and the hotel ignored my calls to bring more, I had to resort to using the bath towels they so kindly provided. When I was done, those things looked like they had been used to clean up after the Exxon Valdez.

I stuffed the soiled towels under the sink so I wouldn't be constantly reminded of my fecal shame.

We left on the third day and I was slowly returning to normal. My first and foremost thought was, how in the hell can Frito lay sell food that makes people's asses go haywire and shoot roofing tar all over the place?

I wrote to the company when I got home and they responded that it could not have been their chips and all their research points to "other causes"

Then I found this:

"In documents marked "Confidential and Proprietary," Frito-Lay admits that olestra caused "anal oil leakage" in a study commissioned by the company. Olestra is the controversial non-caloric fat substitute marketed by Procter & Gamble. " (click for full article)

ASSHOLES!

Just what we need, another company that doesn't give a damn about it's customers and sits on a report that could derail FDA approval and cost it money.

Needless to say I'll never get anywhere near that vile olestra substance again, unless it's for a practical joke on someone I really hate.

I was so moved by this experience that I wrote a couple of Olestra Haikus

Sphincter exploding

Olestra army marches on

Brown stained coffin

Can't eat just one

Human Valdez pulls into harbor

eternity of wiping

Here are more for your reading pleasure

http://www.rumor.org/olestra.rumor