Gun show rant.

I've been going to gunshows on and off for a long time now.

As a teenager they were really cool. I'm not just saying that because I was a wet behind the ears wide-eyed kid. They were genuinely frigging awesome.

I remember buying a Enfield jungle carbine for $35, bags of obsolete ammo for 50 cents or a dollar. There were models in string bikini's posing with automatic weapons.

The tables were manned by wise and crusty old lawmen and hardened Vietnam vets that looked ready to jump over the table and cut the throat of the next sissy-mary who inquired about jerky or scented candles.

Mmmmm..yep thems was the good ole days.

Fast forward to today. The bikini models and automatic weapons are gone now having been replaced by Buela Lickskillet selling beany babies and costume jewelry.

No more crusty old lawmen ready to spin you a yarn about killin in the ole days.
Now we have the misanthropic ass master who greets each customer with a sneer and snide remark.

Me: Hi there got any stainless .45 barrels for a 1911?

Assmaster: Well I don't know if this table full of em would count.

Me: Nice. Why don't you keep em.

I finally see some old cowboy with some genuine looking Colt peacemakers and various other old west fodder.

Me: Hello! What is that .44-40 peacemaker goin for?

Old cowboy: More than you got BOY.

Me: Ahh that probably why its been sitting here undisturbed for the last 70 gun shows.

Then there is the table with a tool or item I'm genuinely interested in.

Me: Pardon me ma'am how much for this set of .308 reloading dies.

Lady: Ahh me no know husband not here. I watch table.

What good is a table staffed by a person who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground.?

There there are the tables full of rusted junk guns that look like they were fished out of the bilge of a lituanian freighter, spray painted black and marked up 200% of retail.
They act extra insulted if you offer them blue book value.

Then there are the nazi memoribilia vendors. They look like Michael Moore with worse facial hair and thats the wife...or sister... they are selling autographed portraits of Rudolf Hess and copies of mein kampf. Whats that? I've got TEOTWAWKI covered thanks.....

The guy at the next table bless his heart has a Nazi helmet with a .30 cal bullet hole in it. He takes pleasure in showing to Michael Moore at the next table..

Now I know why scented candles sell so well at gunshows. If you have to go to the bathroom you are taking your life into your own hands. People say that guns from gunshows kill...nope gunshow bathrooms kill.

Imagine 5 stalls each occupied by a person who has consumed nothing but beer and chili the night before. Green fumes cloud the air..I can't even take a leak without retching.You cannot imagine the sounds, the terrible terrible sounds coming out of that bathroom. I can only describe it as if someone put a weed whacker into a bucket of oatmeal and powered it on at full speed.

The snack bar is right next to the restroom so the tops of the soda cans all taste like butt and the hotdogs are being served out of a dirty cardboard box. Im amazed sometimes at what people eat and where they eat it.

Past the snack bar is the ammo man. He's got a bunch of stuff at good prices. So I stand there and the guy is on his cell phone complaining about how stupid these gunshow customers are and blah blah for 5 min. I've got my cash in hand, the item I want picked out and the fucker just ignores me. Well I guess he must not want the $300 bucks I brought. Maybe the bathroom fumes made him retarded.

After a five dollar entry fee and walking around for over an hour all I have to show for my trouble is a bag of roasted almonds, a migraine and a butt flavored diet coke.

I'm not going to another gunshow until they bring back the bikini's chicks with machine guns.