Silly stuff.
I developed a potty mouth fairly early in life but didn't know what the heck I was talking about for the most part. I sometimes made up my own word combinations when having an insult fight with some asshole.
Fifth grade:
"well you're a freaking cum ass" I was just barely starting to understand what was disgusting about that. It was such a wrong thing to say to someone that it could usually stop the insult game dead in it's tracks.
Asswipe was one of my all time favorites and still is. I didn't know much about sex back then but I knew what shitty toilet paper was and it was pleasurable and satisfying to call someone an asswipe.
Turd twister was the precursor to fudge packer. I guess it was a learning curve.
I coined the term Butt monkey in 1986 by the way. Sadly I didn't copyright it and "Beavis and Butthead" absconded with it. Sigh...
By seventh grade, I was the master of the double entendre. Once I got on a roll there was no stopping me. Anything longer than it was wide was a big joke. 'I've got your post hole digger right here buddy!"
I once had a smoking hot art teacher. Mrs Garza. She was as clueless as she was yummy. One day she was demonstrating how to work natural clay.
She said, "stroke the clay up and down until it's about 8 inches long and becomes firm, then work it some more until it starts doing what you want...be sure not to let it get dry" All this time she was giving this big brown phallic tower a handjob in front of the class. I started to snicker, I looked around and most of the guys had their back backs in their laps pretending to look for something. Pretty soon the whole class is laughing.
The teacher kept asking what was so funny. She was indeed clueless.
In highschool I began my art career. My favorite canvas was the school newspaper. I found that I could erase the ink and make certain things appear in the photographs.
I found one classic picture of the assistant principal holding his hand cupped out in front of him while standing behind the giant 75 year old lesbo detention teacher. After doing my stone-age photo shop magic he looked like he was trying to corn hole big ole Mrs Brown with a giant penis. It was a true work of art.
Just then, my science teacher walked up behind me and said "my! that is the biggest Johnson I've ever seen..did you draw that?" I was busted. Lucky for me however, she thought it was funny and took it to show the assistant Principal with the promise of keeping my anonymity. I never knew she was that cool. I never got my artwork back though. I bet Mrs Scheckter framed it.
Butter Krust Bread supplied book covers to our school district. It was like early pre-internet spam banners we had to stare at all year long.
I remember it well: BUTTER KRUST SLICED BUNS MADE WITH REAL BUTTER MILK
Fifth grade:
"well you're a freaking cum ass" I was just barely starting to understand what was disgusting about that. It was such a wrong thing to say to someone that it could usually stop the insult game dead in it's tracks.
Asswipe was one of my all time favorites and still is. I didn't know much about sex back then but I knew what shitty toilet paper was and it was pleasurable and satisfying to call someone an asswipe.
Turd twister was the precursor to fudge packer. I guess it was a learning curve.
I coined the term Butt monkey in 1986 by the way. Sadly I didn't copyright it and "Beavis and Butthead" absconded with it. Sigh...
By seventh grade, I was the master of the double entendre. Once I got on a roll there was no stopping me. Anything longer than it was wide was a big joke. 'I've got your post hole digger right here buddy!"
I once had a smoking hot art teacher. Mrs Garza. She was as clueless as she was yummy. One day she was demonstrating how to work natural clay.
She said, "stroke the clay up and down until it's about 8 inches long and becomes firm, then work it some more until it starts doing what you want...be sure not to let it get dry" All this time she was giving this big brown phallic tower a handjob in front of the class. I started to snicker, I looked around and most of the guys had their back backs in their laps pretending to look for something. Pretty soon the whole class is laughing.
The teacher kept asking what was so funny. She was indeed clueless.
In highschool I began my art career. My favorite canvas was the school newspaper. I found that I could erase the ink and make certain things appear in the photographs.
I found one classic picture of the assistant principal holding his hand cupped out in front of him while standing behind the giant 75 year old lesbo detention teacher. After doing my stone-age photo shop magic he looked like he was trying to corn hole big ole Mrs Brown with a giant penis. It was a true work of art.
Just then, my science teacher walked up behind me and said "my! that is the biggest Johnson I've ever seen..did you draw that?" I was busted. Lucky for me however, she thought it was funny and took it to show the assistant Principal with the promise of keeping my anonymity. I never knew she was that cool. I never got my artwork back though. I bet Mrs Scheckter framed it.
Butter Krust Bread supplied book covers to our school district. It was like early pre-internet spam banners we had to stare at all year long.
I remember it well: BUTTER KRUST SLICED BUNS MADE WITH REAL BUTTER MILK
After some slight modification they were perfect.
BUTT KRUST MADE WITH BUTT MILK
BUTT RUST LICED BUNS
BUTT LUST WITH BUTT MILK
Damn... I was pretty immature back them. I guess I still am to some extent.
BUTT KRUST MADE WITH BUTT MILK
BUTT RUST LICED BUNS
BUTT LUST WITH BUTT MILK
Damn... I was pretty immature back them. I guess I still am to some extent.
posted by Bill Rowland @ January 03, 2007
17 Comments
17 Comments:
I think I'm in love with your art teacher.
Hee...I loved the days when we would just spout off nasty words and they made no sense, but we thought it was the biggest burn in the whole world!!
My sister refuses to believe that she DID NOT invent the name ASSWIPE. I know we used it a lot but I don't think we are the ones who made it up-
That's okay
Asswipe
He,he,he.
Ha - I think I'm getting old - I don't remember any good insults from when I was young. Maybe there weren't any.
In 1980, I used to make silkscreen T-shirts of whatever struck my fancy. For the night crew at a grocery store where I worked, I printed up 12 tees with the saying "Just Do It!" on it.
It was what I yelled at 4am when we were all starting to sag in our work...
Now, if I just thought about making shoes...
lexcen: The stuff of boyhood dreams.
aisby: some of them are embarassing to think about :)
JP: If it was pre 82 I'll defer to her.
BBC: Smartass :D
Jeannie: It'd strange how we move from fraidy cat and booger head to the nastier ones like tampon tongue and spooge gurgler.
Scott: Nike owes you an apology and about eight billion dollars. I suggest you send them a bill with interest.
Hmm, I don't even know what to say since I didn't cuss until college years. My dad can string expletives better than any I have ever heard - usually at us kids. We always would have rather had a whipping instead. Of course it is hilarious in reference to someone else.
Ahhh, the ability to weild colorful expletives is a true talent.
I hate to ask this. I'm afraid it'll be right up there with my Stevie Wonder incident and my Raisin Bran incident. I just... I have to ask... What does "asswipe" have to do with sex?
I wonder if, by now, Mrs. Garza understands what was so funny. I mean, she may have seen the scene in Canadian Bacon with the sculpting of the model of the CN Tower. Then again, she may not have understood why that was funny, either.
Nomas: Not having profanity to unburden your soul must have been difficult.
Jarhead. It's all in the delivery :)
Phoenix, I meant since I was a kid with no sexual banter skill, I had to resort to scatological insults instead.
Mrs Garza was a strange bird. Everything seemed to go over her head.
You do have an irreverent way with words.
I think by now we have all pretty much figured how YOUR mind works. :)
I worked for Dominos Pizza in my youth and they had just come out with pan pizzas at the time. They had an aerosol spray can for the pans that must have been like flavored PAM spray, but it was called "Butter Mist". I'd routinely tear the lables so it read "Butt Mist" and laugh all day. I still laugh at that. Apparently my inner 8 year old is alive and well.
l>t you got me pegged :)
stucco: lol I love it. Yep we're on the same wavelength. :D
I remember cutting the lables on the cleaning spray from:
GLASS and SURFACE cleanser to
ASS and FACE cleanser
Not everyone seemed to think it was as funny as I did.
We still laugh, and this is sick because we're the parents, at our youngest's attempt at swearage while my great college friend and her hub were visiting years back. Our kidlet was 3ish or so and we really didn't cuss horribly in front of him or his brother then. But, he was doing his tantrum thing and being willful and all and kept saying, "Buttshit! Buttshit!"
Dint make any sense at all and I have no idea where it came from. My friend still refers to it everytime we visit. Ain't that special?
Some things never change! In fact, my potty mouth has gotten worse wiht age! Damn shit stabber!
Some things never change! In fact, my potty mouth has gotten worse wiht age! Damn shit stabber!
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